Class Meets Stupidity: A Gwen and Theresa Tale
by: Amisha N. Smith

Well hello again and welcome to my third Passions fanfic. I have gotten a lot of feedback from my first and second Passions fanfics. Some liked them. Some didn't. Of course, all feedback is welcome. But once again, may I ask that you guys give ratings instead of idiotic immature rants? I know most of you are smart enough to know the difference between the two, but the reviews I got from my first fanfic has taught me that there are some idiots out there who obviously don't. If you disagree with the fanfic, then just give an intelligent response saying that you disagree. And to the morons who can't seem to grasp that concept, really, the cussing and the insults aren't necessary. If you don't like how the story is going, don't read it. It's just a fictional story told about a fictional soap opera. Get a life. Anyhoo, this story is a change of pace from my other two. It's a humor fic! Yay! I often wondered how Gwen and Theresa would operate if circumstances forced those two to work together. Haven't you? Yeah, I know you have. Well, here's my take on what sort of insanity would ensue if such a thing were ever to occur. This is also my take on the absurdity of Theresa's many "plans" and the frequency of which they all have disastrous results. Like always. The feisty blonde princess and the hot Latino tamale are forced to work with each other in this my newest fanfic, whether they want to or not. Heh, this is gonna be fun. Now, without further delay…

Class Meets Stupidity: A Gwen and Theresa Tale

Part I

Gwen gritted her teeth and seethed with rage as Ethan pulled their car into the driveway of 'Critterz 'R' Us', the last place on earth she wanted to be and, thanks to Theresa, her new place of employment for the next two weeks. Ethan parked the car in the driveway and turned to look at his wife. The look on her face must have perfectly reflected her mood, because he sighed and started stroking Gwen's hair reassuringly. "Come on, honey. It's really not as bad as you're making it out to be", he said.

"Oh, it's not?", Gwen said hotly as she turned and glared at Ethan. "Well, that's news to me." She shifted in her uncomfortable turquoise work uniform. It was itching the hell out of her. "If it wasn't for Theresa I wouldn't even have to be here. I swear, that girl is such a bitch."

"Hey now, honey. None of that", Ethan warned. "I'm telling you, you have to learn to control your temper. Really, it's only halfway Theresa's fault that you're here. It's just as much your fault as it is hers."

"Excuse me?", Gwen said, her eyes flashing angrily. "I can't believe you said that! I mean, who's side are you on here? It was Theresa that started that fight! Just as always, she's the one who initiated the problem! I was just out shopping for baby clothes for Jane when Theresa suddenly showed up out of the blue and decided to berate me. She had the nerve to tell me that I the clothes I was picking out for Jane were crap. Like I need her help when it comes to dressing Jane! And then when I told her to kiss my ass and that I can dress my daughter however I choose, she threw her cup of cherry Icee on me! She totally ruined my silk blouse!"

"Yes, I understand that", Ethan said in a soothing tone, trying to calm his angry wife down. "But your response wasn't too much more appropriate than what Theresa did. I mean, how exactly did you think upper-cutting Theresa under her chin and then kicking her in her head repeatedly while she was laying unconscious on the ground was going to help the situation?"

"Well, it sure made me feel better", Gwen said with an evil smirk.

"It sure got you arrested, too", Ethan countered angrily. "You know Gwen, I must say that I'm rather disappointed in you. I always thought you had more class than that."

"Well, usually I do. But why should Theresa have all the fun?", Gwen said with a shrug of her shoulders. "Besides, I wasn't the only one who was arrested. Theresa got a free ride downtown too."

"And that's supposed to make it better?", Ethan asked. "Honestly, sometimes I think you're as bad as Theresa. Well, I hope it was worth it. Because now thanks to how the both of you acted, you've been sentenced by Judge Poirot to work together at Critterz R Us for two weeks. And I hope for your sake you two can co-exist in peace for fourteen days. Because if you can't, you'll both be sentenced to three months in jail."

Gwen sighed and looked up at the wooden Critterz R Us sign hanging in front of the tacky shop and decorated with crudely drawn dancing raccoons. Once again, she had to be put through a bunch of crap because of Theresa. That's how it always seemed to go; Gwen is minding her own business until Theresa shows up and starts shit, Gwen fights back, a tug of war of one-upsmanship starts until bam, a disaster occurs, Gwen's day/month/year is ruined, and Theresa walks triumphantly off, her work being done. Of course, Theresa wasn't able to skip away from this disaster scott free. The judge had sentenced Theresa to work in this toilet of a shop as well. But somehow, the fact that she'd be working side-by-side with Theresa for the next fourteen days came as little consolation to Gwen. Her blood began to boil when she saw Theresa walk out of the shop. Upon seeing Ethan, Theresa began to grin and wave coyly. She trotted over to their car towards the driver's side, only to wind up standing there with a crestfallen expression on her face as Ethan finished hastily rolling his window up just as she reached the car door. Gwen smirked at Theresa smugly, who returned her smugness with an icy glare.

"Okay sweetheart", Ethan said earnestly as he looked his wife between her eyes. "You're gonna have to make me a promise. Promise me that no matter what Theresa says to you, no matter how she tries to provoke you, you won't fly off at the handle and try to kill her. Promise me you will control your temper. I don't want you spending the next ninety days in jail because of Theresa, okay? If you get the urge to murder her before your two week sentence is up, try to think of Jane and how much she'd miss her mom. Let that keep you on track, hm?"

Gwen inhaled a sharp breath. Of course. There's no way she could let her temper get the better of her. Not with ninety days out of her life at stake. She had a daughter to take care of. "Yeah, you're right", Gwen relented. "I'll have to control my temper if I'm ever to be free of this stupid work program. And the last thing Jane needs is for her mommy to be sentenced to three months in jail over stupidity."

Ethan smiled warmly at her. "That's the spirit", he said before leaning over and giving her a long passionate kiss. When they pulled apart, Gwen couldn't help noticing the enraged and envious look on Theresa's face. Gwen resisted the strong urge to grin at her rival.

"Okay, I'll be back to pick you up in eight hours", Ethan said as Gwen got out of the car. "Be good."

"I will", Gwen promised with a cheerful wink. "See you soon."

"Hi Ethan", Theresa said hopefully. Ethan merely waved shortly at her before pulling out of the driveway and speeding down the road. Gwen turned around and walked towards the shop, again resisting the urge to gloat in her rival's face. I don't have time for that, Gwen reminded herself. I'm gonna do what Ethan says and serve my two weeks so that I can get back to my normal life and as far away from that stupid bitch as possible. She opened the door to the shop and saw animals in cages all over the place. Rats, bats, rabbits, raccoons… it was plain to see why this shop was called Critterz R Us. On the right of the shop sat a long wooden desk with a telephone and a computer on it. There was a note tacked to the front of the desk that said "Be with you in a minute. -P." Gwen sighed and took a seat in one of the two empty chairs in front of the desk. Just before she could get semi-comfortable, in came Theresa. The girl looked over at Gwen and sniggered.

Oh crap. Not now, Gwen thought to herself as she turned her head the other way. Geez, give it a rest already! Get a life, you brain-dead whore!

"Well, here we are", Theresa said as she walked over to where Gwen was sitting and took the other seat. "I must say, I'm really sympathetic for you Gwen. I know the concept of hard work must be like kryptonite to you."

Oh, give me a break!, Gwen thought, already getting angry. I bust my ass every single day making a living for myself and my family! All she has to do is hop up and down on top of Alistair's genitals and she gets whatever she wants! However, as much as she was tempted, Gwen did not say her thoughts out loud. She remembered what Ethan told her and kept her mouth shut, not saying anything, not doing anything, not even looking at her. She just faced forward, waiting for the manager of the shop to show up.

"Oh, I get it. You're ignoring me", Theresa said with a laugh. "What, did Ethan tell you not to pay attention to big bad Theresa?"

"I think the person you should be worried about is big bad Poirot, Mrs. Crane", said a voice from the office room behind the desk. Into the small lobby where Theresa and Gwen were waiting walked the same white-haired sharp-featured elderly woman that had served as the judge at Gwen and Theresa's trial and had sentenced them to work together at this place; Judge Poirot! Only instead of wearing a traditional black judicial robe she was dressed in an expensive looking gray coat and pants suit.

"Judge Poirot?", Gwen said, shocked.

"Nope. Just Ms. Poirot at present", the judge answered. "I own this shop and I work here as the manager. So just call me Ms. Poirot while you work here, alright? Anyway, I figured this would be the perfect place for you two to work, seeing as how I can keep and eye on the both of you while you're here." She then turned and eyed Theresa like a hawk eyeing a tiny mouse. "I can see that you are indeed the instigator of you two", she said sharply. "I heard you trying to start trouble. Listen, I'm not putting up with it, you understand? Keep it up, and I'll immediately sentence your ass to spend three months in jail. Comprende?"

Theresa seemed to sulk at Poirot's words, like a child in kindergarten who was chastised for cutting the graham cracker and juice line. "Yes mam", she said shortly.

"That goes for you too, Mrs. Winthrop", the judge warned Gwen as well. "Although somehow I don't think you really need that much of a warning. You definitely seem like the more mature one." Gwen wisely resisted the urge to smile at the judge's words.

"Well now", Ms. Poirot said as she sat down at her desk and folded her hands. "Welcome to Critterz R Us. This shop specializes in two things: Getting unwanted animals out of people's homes and off their property, and delivering certain requested animals to people. So, I guess you can say that we are an animal drop-off and pick-up service of sorts. I started this business about five years ago because I've always had a love for animals. I originally went to college to study to be a veterinarian and took law as a minor. Funny how things work out, isn't it? Now I'm a high ranking judge with a side business as an animal collector and deliverer. Well anyway, I've been meaning to hire some temporary help. And that's where you girls come in. Your ongoing feud with each other has the potential to turn itself into a blessing for me. And perhaps even for you, in the best case scenario." Ms. Poirot reached down into the drawers on her desk and pulled something out. She tossed two I.D. badges onto the top of the desk. The badges had both Gwen and Theresa's mug shots on them. Gwen grew red with embarrassment.

"Those are your work badges, ladies", Ms. Poirot said. "You will have those on your person while you work here. Neither one of you two will have a higher position than the other. You will work side by side as equals. And hopefully this experience will teach you to work together and coexist in harmony with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you do have to respect each other, whether you want to or not. You also have a duty to respect the law, and not disturb the public peace by having a catfight whenever and wherever you want to. If you two do well, I will release you from the program after your two weeks are up. If you don't do well, you'll both be cooling your heels in jail for the next ninety days. Comprende?"

"Yes mam", Gwen and Theresa said in unison. Gwen gritted her teeth and her blood pressure began to rise. Two whole weeks of working with Theresa. Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty six hours. Twenty thousand one hundred and sixty minutes. I can't wait, Gwen thought, already beginning to feel sick to her stomach.

"Alright! Now for your first assignment!", Ms. Poirot said excitedly as she handed some papers to Gwen over the table. "This is the address of Ms. Drover. She called earlier today reporting that she had a bat problem. Specifically, a bat colony has taken up residence in her attic, and she needs our help in expelling them from her home. Your job will be to drive to her home and set off a specially made smoke bomb in the attic that will put them all to sleep. You will then go up into the attic and scoop them up using the standard nets that will be provided to you and put them in the large cages in the back of your new company van. Then drive them here so they can be inspected for rabies or any other diseases. The healthy ones will later be let back into the wild onto a legal animal preserve. Any questions?" Neither Gwen nor Theresa said a word. "Good! Then let's get to work!", Ms. Poirot instructed as she tossed the keys to Theresa. "Your van is parked outside in the front. All of the equipment you'll need is already in it. Good luck!"

With a sigh, Gwen got up and followed Theresa out the door of the shop to the white van parked out front. She just knew this was going to be the longest two weeks of her life.

To Be Continued…