Joe and Gromit Present
A feature presentation
By Joe and Gromit
A Joe and Gromit production.
Fish. (Yes, thank you for that remark, Gromit, now get back into your jacket)
Joe: Well, it's happened. For the first time ever, me and Gromit ( or Gromit and I, if you're a soulless nerd that likes to make fun of others mistakes. WELL PISS OFF, YOU'RE A BAD PERSON.
…
BAD!)
Yeah, he can go away…was there a point to all of this? If there was, I've lost sight of it a long time ago (most likely during my anti-nerd tantrum. To you, Gromit, before I say something I shouldn't.
Gromit: Fish. Thank you.
Joe: …In our dictionary (soon to be published) 'fish' means anything in particular that Gromit wants it to. Right now, it's meaning is 'review for this chapter or I'll shove this 'Fanta' can up your…' now, really, Gromit, that's just not healthy. A person your age should not be thinking like that.
Gromit: Fish.
Joe: Oh, is THAT how it is! Well, fish you too.
Gromit: thank you.
Joe: What did it mean there?
Gromit: You complimented me on my hair. Yes, it is very beautiful….Joe?...I never knew you felt that way.
Joe: … … … … …Gromit?
Gromit: Yes?
Joe: You are a sick minded individual and need medical attention. I like women. I'm not sure about you anymore after that statement.
Gromit: You're gay.
Joe: ………Okay… Gromit, why do you seem to want me to be homosexual? Right, at the end of this author's note, there's a story, believe it or not. It's based on the everyday conversations and deeds of Agni & Rudra, everyone's favourite irritating talking swords. Enjoy.
Gromit: (Slyly) fish.
Joe: Okay, that's it, YOU'RE DEAD!
(Slamming noises, then choking noises. Next, the strange sound that's seems like breaking windows)
The Life and Times of Agni & Rudra
It was a crisp, breezy summer morning, and dawn had only just broken. It was showing good signs of fine weather.
Dante yawned mutely and opened his eyes, immediately wide awake. A trick he had learned along the ages. He got up and slipped across the room, gently placing one foot silently over the wooden floor. He made great care in making sure that the door made no noticeable sound, then crept through the corridor, towards Trish's room.
He opened the door in a similar fashion.
There lay Trish, her mouth agape, and drool flowing freely out upon the pillow, soaking it.
Dante reached into his pocket and took out a small pocket razor, and flicked it on. The noise was not great enough to wake the beast before him, so it was safe enough to finish this mission.
She had thrown a perfectly good box of pizza before he had gotten to it. So what if it was a month or two out of date? Dante was a half demon warrior, not a bleeding little schoolgirl. He could handle it.
He failed to suppress a smirk as the razor moved ever nearer to Trish's head of golden hair.
Then, out of the blue came a shout from downstairs.
"MASTER! MASTER! IT'S MORNING! IT'S BRIGHT AND BLUE AND SUNNY AND I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GIVE BROTHER AND I A WALK, AND I WANT BREAKFAST, COME HERE THIS INSTANT!" rang the voice of Rudra, the sword of flame from downstairs.
Trish opened her eyes immediately, shocked by this new and unexpected eruption of noise.
Though, her eyes encountered something different than she had expected; Dante on top of her, brandishing a razor of unimaginable wickedness. Upon his face was…guilt? Yes, that was it. Guilt. Mixed with fear, apparently.
Dante tried desperately to control his fear, as Trish would most likely be more annoyed if he pissed in fear on tom of her.
In vain.
Trish let loose a bloodcurdling scream.
The scream caused dust to fall from the ceiling, showering all of the weapons on Dante's wall with dirt and dead moths.
(Telepathic conversation)
Rudra: Ah, it seems as though lady Trish has awoken. Perhaps she could make us breakfast, after all, that's what women are for.
Nevan (Angrily): Would you two just SHUT THE HELL UP!
Agni (pompously): Quiet you, you can't even talk.
(End telepathic conversation, and due screaming match)
Dante kicked open the door in fury, shortly followed by an even more furious Trish.
"HOW DARE YOU!" screamed Trish.
"HOW DARE YOU THROW OUT A PIZZA BOX!"
"IT WAS TWO MONTHS OLD, FOR SATAN'S SAKE. AND IT WAS EMPTY!"
"SHE WAS A GOOD PIZZA BOX, SHE LISTENED TO ME IN TIMES OF TROUBLE AND DOUBT, SHE WAS MY FRIEND!"
"Oh, look, brother," Agni announced "They're having a shouting match! Let's join in!"
"HOW CAN YOU BE FRIENDS WITH A –"
"AARGH!" Screamed Rudra proudly "AARGH! JOIN IN, BROTHER, IT'S TREMENDOUS FUN!"
"You know what, Trish?" Dante snapped, "You are a total mother –"
"AARGH" Agni exclaimed as loudly as he could "AARGH, AARGH! AAAARGH – oh, dear, I've soiled myself"
"Brother" Rudra inquired "What does 'soiled yourself' mean?"
"Well," Agni replied "Depositing urine upon oneself, often if one is wearing pantaloons"
"Oh, it sounds like super fun, let me try!" Rudra announced.
He attempted to soil himself, but missed by several metres, catching both and Trish in a lukewarm jet. If you are astounded by this amazing physical feat done by a sword, we are too. (Gromit: Hey, we're only writing this damn story, we can't physically control the script)
This stopped both Dante and Trish's argument, they both took a step towards the twin blades.
"Look!" Agni exclaimed "We have stopped their argument, they ought to give us a medal!"
…
…
…
"Brother, where are we?" Rudra asked.
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't like this at all."
"Perhaps we can burn ourselves out"
"That's a great idea!"
Dante dusted his hands as he walked away from the kitchen cupboard upstairs from the office, when a crackling sound attracted his attention. He turned slowly around, half afraid of what he would see.
Before him was half of his kitchen, burst into flames. He fell to his knees and burst into teats, beating the ground with his fists, for Penelope the pizza box (Dante's latest crush) was in the microwave at the time, which was now amidst the centre of the inferno.
Joe: Did you like it? Well then review and tell us!
Gromit: Did you hate it? That's great, then review!
Joe: I think we've made our point.
Gromit: Fish.
Joe: Yes, Gromit, that too.
Disclaimer: We disclaim everything and everything. We did most certainly not break that window. We would also like to add that M&Ms are quite tasty, which we are currently fighting over.
Oh, and the things WE own and can sue you for if you use and don't disclaim are: Jack Lynx, Roy Phoenix and Andy (Who's surname we cannot remember. It's in 'Predator: War' by Gromit) Crìnge, Pontius, Tailor, Joel and whoever the hell else I made up for 'Justice Within Two Evils', an action by me.
Gromit: If you liked this you can read our other humour fics like "Yet another DMC Parody" tm "Devil may grow up at some point Dammit" And "Financial Diaries of a Devil Hunter"
Joe: Ciao.
Gromit: Meow.
Fish.