For Ronnie

That Deserted Island Cliché Bad Fic

So, out of the blue and on the wings of convoluted fandom clichés, Kagome decided to ditch Inuyasha for Kouga and take him to live in her time with her, in hopes of someday having freakish looking hanyou wolf demon rug rats and living happily ever after.

But for shame! They certainly couldn't live happily until they had a big expensive Western wedding and then go on their honeymoon! Why, this wouldn't attest to a hopeless fanpoodle's taste if we didn't write them a story of true love and happiness fueled by the ideology of a Barbie Dream House! And Kouga definitely wanted Kagome barefoot and pregnant as soon as possible.

Kouga, being the outsider here, didn't much know what was going on, nor did he care. He was going to finally shag Kagome. SCORE!

So bring on that preacher! Bring on the overpriced cake-shoving entertainment so the fan world can swoon on their perfect wedding! And then they could get their romantic bitch-asses on the plane and fly to Cuba for the perfect island honeymoon. Why wouldn't Cuba be the perfect vacation? They could chill on the beach, have sex in the rising tide, and drink expensive mixed drinks until sunset. Ignore those nasty Cubans rioting in the background, you adorable little fandom couple – Kagome's baby making days are now HERE!

However, the idea of a honeymoon seemed nice in theory, and Kouga and Kagome couldn't wait until they landed. Kouga couldn't wait because damn it if it didn't closely resemble some kind of canon, he was NOT used to planes. And he had expelled his breakfast numerous times in light of his squeamishness to modern travel.

"Bleeeeccccch!" he ralphed in Kagome's lap for the fourth time that day. Kagome didn't mind in the least. After all, Kouga was NOW her TRU LUB!

"Is that a fox tail in your breakfast?" she asked, inspecting the wet furball in her lap.

"Um…yeah," Kouga said sheepishly. "I kinda ate Shippo before we came to your era."

Indifferently, Kagome shrugged and replied, "Meh. He had it coming."

Then, as Kouga was about to molest her for her sexy coyness and acceptance of his crude eating habits, the plane they were own rocked terribly and sent people flying into the aisles.

"What the --?"

Suddenly, a dark skinned man, obviously American, came running down the aisles shouting on the plane. People started screaming, and then Kagome realized there was something crawling on her leg. She squealed when she realized it was only Kouga's hand.

"Oh my God!" one large lady yelled, flinging off a serpent that had slithered through her bodice.

"Just calm down, people. There are snakes on this motha' fucking plane, but I've got things all under control!"

More people screamed. Snakes starting slithering around, biting chunks out of people and their hissing became the only sounds on the plane.

Funny thing was, the snakes seemed to stay away from Kagome and Kouga – and they were the only ones that were safe.

"Humm…" Kagome commented. "The snakes aren't coming toward us." She turned to her new husband. "They must be afraid of you…or the smell of your puke. Either way."

"Ha!" Kouga shouted. "Of course they're not going to mess with me. I will so fuck them up!"

"Hey, cracker," the black man yelled at Kouga. Kouga seemed to be shocked by what the guy called him. "C'mere and help me fight these snakes."

"Schweet!" Kouga answered jubilantly. "I never turn down a fight!"

"Yeah, so we'll use your horrible body odor to drive them away!" the man said, and Kouga seemed offended. He looked over at Kagome who shrugged.

"Well, honey, you do kinda smell. But I still love you!" she said with a fan-girl squeal.

"AhhAHHHH!" the man yelled, and his continuous jabbing and stabbing of the enemy snakes seemed to be ineffective, and the snakes were rising in numbers, swarming the poor guy and still ignoring Kouga and Kagome completely.

"Damn it, bitch, get off me! I will not have this end up like Deep Blue Sea!"

"What happened in the Deep Blue Sea?" Kouga asked conversationally as the man was being eaten away.

"Motha' fucking shark ate me! He ate me, bitch!" And then he screamed his last breath, the pilots of the plane were snake food, and they were falling to their death.

And in all the drama, Kouga could only scratch his chin and wonder how the hell snakes got on the plane in the first place, and who the genius was that would use such a terrible plot device.

----

"Speaking of horrible plot devices…We're now stuck on this deserted island? What should we do now?" Kagome asked, still indifferent to her situation. 'Wow, being OOC was easier then I thought it would be,' she thought.

Kouga shrugged. "We do what were meant to do on this island – shag like rabbits and become primitive people, start our own tribe with our children and smear our own dung on our house in ownership.

"Oh, and don't forget, I still have to give you that mating mark!"

Kagome grimaced. "Gee, do you have to?"

"It's what the fangirls want – speaking of what the fan girls want, can you believe this mess we're in?"

"Yeah so?"

"Kagome, how can you be so blasé? There were SNAKES on a PLANE!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Kagome! Don't you get it? SNAKES ON A MOTHA' FUCKIN' PLANE!"

"Yes, yes, I get it already! That's enough. Don't you think that joke's been overused enough?"

"SNAKES ON A PLANE! HOLY CRAP!"

"Kouga, just take off your pants…"

The End