TITLE: On My Own
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: [email protected]
SUMMARY: Buffy gets a Christmas gift from Angel.....yeah because I'll tell you more
SPOILER: SLIGHT S4 Buffy/S1 ANGEL
DISTRIBUTION: Sandee, of course - My site - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com - Crystal and Butterfly if they want it - A Soul's Redemption - Anyone else - sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-PG - angst, angst, angst! Happy holidays!
DISCLAIMER: Xander is mine and everyone else belongs to Joss. Okay, Joss may've given our dear Xand life, but he lives at my house, he eats when I tell him to eat, and he even kissed my toes the other day. It's great having him around g
DEDICATION: Thanks to Garnet, for the wonderful gift ideas, and Sandee, just because.



"Buffy," Willow came into their dorm room with a large package in her hands. "Guess what just came?"

"Lemme guess. More latkes from your mom? Or maybe some soup from your grandmother?"

"It's for you," she set it on the floor in front of the Slayer. "Postmarked from LA."

Buffy's Holiday Sulk turned into a huge grin. "From LA?! Really?!"

"Open it. I'm late for a class."

"Thanks, Will." she smiled appreciatively as her friend left.

Buffy used her fingernail to cut through the tape and opened the box. Amid a lot of styrofoam packing peanuts was a box wrapped in simple Christmas tree paper and a card attached.

She set the gift in her lap and carefully opened the card, not wanting to rip the envelope.

And old-fashioned traditional Santa filling a tire with gifts decorated the front of the card. She opened it and instantly, tears filled her already puffy eyes.


Buffy,

Open the gift first.

I know you won't, so I'll go on.

I know you've always loved this song, and I thought of you instantly when I saw it. Maybe I'm wrong for saying this, but - Hell, I know I'm wrong for even sending you this. I just had to do it, Buffy. Somethings are too important to let slip by. Holidays are one of those few things.

This is the thing I know I'm wrong for saying. I hope that whenever you hear this song, you'll think of me. Someday, maybe you'll give this to your daughter and tell her what it means to you.

No, scratch that, leave me out of your future.

Doesn't it piss you off the way I just try to make you forget I ever existed?? I piss myself off when I do it too.

I hope you're doing well, Buffy. Cordelia and I are getting by as well as we can, for now. Thanks for the cards and even the cookies. They helped.

I love you. -Angel.


Buffy set the card on her nightstand and unwrapped the box carefully, not wanting to rip the paper. She opened the box and pulled out a beautiful wooden music box with a heart, stake, crossbow and halo carved into the lid. Her initials were inside the heart and she started to cry when she lifted the lid. 

She knew the music instantly and the lyrics floated through her mind as the song played. She wound it as far as the little key would go so it would play over and over and over. Lying down on her bed, she kissed the lid of the box before clutching it to her chest and closing her eyes.


//On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All alone

I walk with him 'till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me


In the rain

The pavement shines like silver

All the lights

Are misty in the river

In the darkness

The trees are full of starlight

And all I see

Is him and me

Forever and forever


And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself

And not to him


And although I know

That he is blind

Still I say

There's a way for us


I love him

But everyday I'm learning

All my life

I've only been pretending

Without him, the world around me changes

The trees are bare

And everywhere

The streets are full of strangers


I love him

But when the night is over

He's gone

The river's just a river

Without me, his world will go on turning

His world is full of happiness

That I have never known


I love him

I love him

I love him

But only on my own\\