Okay dudes, this is my fist attempt EVER at a humor fic. PLEASE tell me what you think, I NEED reviews. Sorry this is confusing, but I wrote it in a half hour. A sudden idea that popped into my head. Anyone, thanks to Bunnisteffi, Bree, Karalynn, Lhiannon, Flower Child, and Holly, for volunteering to be brutally murdered and be happy about it. Especially Bunnisteffi, who died the worst death. I'd also like to thank Libby, my beta. And Stephenie Meyer, for letting us post fanfics about her glorious book.
ALSO: This is a COMEDY, so NO FLAMES! It's a oneshot comedy, I don't care how unrealistic or OOC the story is. Its written for a laugh, not to win the Newburry award. Capishe?
NOTICE! I hid some song lyrics in this fanfic. They will probably be hard to pick out, because two of the words have been changed, but if you like the band, you'll get it.
Here's your hint: Their guitarist is only fourteen and has just recently died.
You get this one, and I'll give you five million cookies, I'll post your name everywhere I can think of, and some other stuff. I'm just warning you, it will be hard! I just like torturing you all...:D hehehe
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Twilight. But I do own the Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions.
...ooo000OOO000ooo...
Killer Vampire Chipmunks from Mars!
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Edward and Bella were walking together through the meadow. They couldn't go to school because of the sun, so Alice had said she saw them at the meadow, and that they should go.
"Okay, Alice, we'll go," Bella had told her.
They were walking in silence, until Bella suddenly spoke up. "So, Edward, what is the thing you regret the most in your life?"
"I'm dead," he replied, avoiding the question.
"Then in your death," she corrected.
"You already know, Bella," he replied.
"No, I mean, besides having to be a vampire."
"Oh, I guess then . . . it would have to be when I almost killed everyone on the planet."
Bella gasped, surprised by what he said. Why hadn't he spoken of this earlier? "You're joking Edward," she laughed after a minute.
"Not at all, darling. Ask Carlisle or Esme, they're the only ones that know about it," he replied calmly.
"Than how come you've never told me before?" she asked.
"One, you've never asked, and two, it wasn't a big deal," he shrugged.
"You almost destroyed the planet, and it's not a big deal?" she shouted, bewildered.
"Well, at the time it was, but now it's not."
"Well. What happened?" she prodded, eager to know the whole story about how her angel could have possibly almost killed off the entire planet.
"It all started with a trip to Mars," he started.
"You went to Mars?" she asked, surprised again. "B-but people can't go there. They'll die!"
"Bella, do I have to remind you again that we are vampires? We could go to Mars now, and we wouldn't be harmed at all," he said calmly.
"Sorry," she said, embarrassed. "Please continue."
"As I was saying," he started again, glancing at Bella, "It all started summer of 1922, when we--Carlisle, Esme, and I--decided to go on vacation. We all decided that Mars would be the best, because at the time, we thought it would be desolate and quiet, and we could possibly have a second house there."
"Do you?" She gasped.
"Bella, please let me continue," he said, getting slightly annoyed by her constant interruptions. "And, no, we never got around to building it."
"Oh," she said, slightly disappointed.
"Anyway, we packed our bags and went to Mars for two months," he said, but Bella interrupted him yet again.
"Could we go to Mars?" she asked, excited.
"No," he replied shortly, letting his anger get the best of him.
"Why not?" she whined, pouting.
"You'll see, if you ever let me finish the story," Edward said sharply.
"Sorry, please go on, I'll try to stop," she said bashfully.
"Mars was beautiful, and we were all set to have two months of peaceful relaxation. When we got there, though, we found out we were wrong. Very wrong," he said, glancing at Bella again, waiting for her next interruption.
"Well?" he asked after a minute.
"Well what?" she said innocently.
"Aren't you going to interrupt me again?" he asked, slightly embarrassed that he had to ask.
"I said I wasn't going to, and I won't. Now you're the one that's stopping the story. Please hurry up and continue," she said, just as sweetly, to bother him.
"Fine," he grumbled. "As I was saying, before I interrupted myself, is that, when we got there, we were shocked to find that Mars was not at all desolate. In fact, it may have had more things living on it that earth," he said.
"What kind of things?" Bella asked, breaking her promise.
"Talking Chipmunks," he replied, with a serious face.
"Edward," she laughed, "Be serious."
"I am being serious. They were chipmunks, and they talked like civilized human beings."
"What language did they speak?" she asked, shocked.
"English, of course. Honestly, Bella." He rolled his eyes.
"English-speaking chipmunks that live on Mars?" she gasped.
"Yes, Bella, English-speaking chipmunks that live on Mars. As I was saying, we did talk to them a little, and found out they were the most delightful company, not nearly as annoying as people would think chipmunks to be. We got to know them very well, and eventually became friends with a couple, especially one named Sir Gerald and his wife, Lady Freesia, the king and queen of the English-speaking chipmunks from Mars, or, as they like to call themselves, the 'Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions,'" he said with a completely serious face.
"Edward, you have to be joking about all of this!" she shouted, quite annoyed that he would think her so gullible.
"Bella, I can assure you that I am one-hundred percent serious. Besides, with your truth-determining power, you'd know if I was lying," he replied.
"Yes, but . . . " she trailed off, realizing he was right.
"Now, please let me continue." She nodded. "Okay, as I was saying, we became friends with the king of the Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions. Especially the king and queen. But we did have one little problem, and that was food. You see, a vampire can go two months without food, but only if it is nowhere near anything with blood. So Carlisle, Esme, and I figured we would be able to handle it, as it would just be each other that we were in the company of. But, with the Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions around, there was blood all over, and we knew we would never make it two months without blood. But, we couldn't return for the two months, for many reasons," he said, and glanced at Bella. Surprisingly, she didn't ask what the reasons were, and he wasn't about to explain them to her.
"So, on one horrible night, one and a half months through our vacation, I could not hold my thirst any longer. Neither could the others. . . " he trailed off, looking thoughtful.
"Go on," Bella urged.
"Well, it was nighttime, and all the Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions were sleeping, and it was just us three awake. We were all talking to each other, trying to distract ourselves and one another, but it only took a brief pause in conversation for the world to almost have ended," he sighed, and then continued. "The blood lust was too much, and I gave in, killing many of our Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions friends. Including some of my favorites, Flower Child, Lhiannon, Bree, Taxi, Halee, Karalynn, Allison, Bunnisteffi, and Holly. Poor things, I was so hungry, and they were right there . . . I ended up ripping most of them in half. Especially Bunnisteffi . . . poor soul . . . I was so hungry . . . and she was the first . . . I ended up ripping all her limbs off, and then her tail, but I got distracted with the other before I actually killed her. She ended up bleeding to death, calling out everyone's names, trying to get someone to save her . . . I felt so bad . . . " he trailed off, shaking his head and looking near tears.
"It's okay, Edward," Bella tried to comfort him, but he just shook her hand off his shoulder and turned around.
"I ended up killing so many," he cried tearlessly, "I mean, chipmunks are so small, with so little blood . . . you know it takes four mountain lions to fill me, and that's only when I go without food for two weeks! Imagine three vampires, who haven't been without food for a month and a half, unleashed on a crowd of poor little chipmunks! We killed everyone, including Sir Gerald and Lady Freesia! And of course, Lady Freesia had to be wearing pearls. I couldn't get one out of my teeth for weeks," he said, shaking his head. "I just feel so bad."
"Poor Edward," Bella said, putting her hand on his shoulder again, "It looks like you've kept this bottled up for quite a while. Does the rest of the family know?" she asked.
"No, Carlisle, Esme and I decided to go with the Vegas rule." Edward looked at Bella, and saw her puzzled expression. "You know, 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?'" he quoted. "Only this time, it was Mars."
"So how did this end up almost wiping to world out?" Bella asked.
"Well, after we were finally able to control our thirst, we had to check every single Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions, and make sure they were all dead. Vampire transformations are the same as they are with humans. If we bite it, but don't drain all the blood, they'll become vampires," he explained. "We didn't want millions of evil vampire Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions after us, so we made sure every single one was dead. But apparently, we had missed one. Sir Gerald."
"What happened?" Bella asked breathlessly, like a four-year-old hearing a fairy tale.
"Well, we had to wait the full two months before returning, so we spent the time burying each Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tion. And then we finally had the peaceful vacation we were hoping for. When the time came for us to leave, we packed our bags, and headed home."
"What we didn't know, of course, was the reason we couldn't find Sir Gerald's body. Once we returned home, we went hunting immediately, and played out our peaceful lives, innocent of the litany of excess and violence that was growing in the forests."
"Is that all?" Bella asked when Edward didn't continue for a minute.
"No. Months later, after we had all put the horrible experience behind us, things started happening," Edward said.
"What kind of things?" Bella asked.
"Well, we started finding dead chipmunks all over our house," he explained. "At first, we all thought it was each other, playing pranks. But when we talked about it, Carlisle, Esme, and I denied ever having done it. After about a week of pondering over who was doing this horrible thing, we had a visitor," Edward said.
"A visitor?" Bella echoed.
"Sir Gerald. And his army of vampire chipmunks," Edward said, calm as ever.
"He was back?" she gasped.
"He was back," Edward confirmed. "With, as I had said, a cult of evil vampire chipmunks. We had then figured out everything, why we hadn't found his body, why the dead chipmunks were showing up, everything. You see, We never found Sir Gerald's body because as soon as he had been bitten, he stowed away in our camping supplies, hiding there for the half months while we were still in Mars. He endured the transformation there. He had already known about how vampires worked, because we had told all the Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions about it. So, before we had even left, he started his plan for revenge. As soon as we got back, he went into the forest with us, and started recruiting his chipmunk army.
"We later found out that his plan was to not just kill us, but take over earth. You see, millions of years ago, humans had lived on Mars. But, the Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions had gotten jealous, and soon took over, claiming Mars as their own planet, and banishing the remaining humans to Earth. Now, that was his plan again, only this time, he wasn't going to banish the humans, he was going to use them as food for his army. We found out he had already killed half of the next city over. He didn't want to kill our city, for fear of getting Carlisle, Esme and I suspicious."
"So what happened? Did you win?" she asked, completely engrossed in the story.
"Yes, of course we one, Bella, or I wouldn't be here today, now would I?" he asked, rolling his eyes at her.
"Right. Go on," she urged.
"Well, the war went on for days. Fortunately, we had backup from the Denali clan, who heard about our misfortune, and some other vampires that happened to be passing by the town. It was a full two weeks before the war finally ended, and the God-forsaken Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions were completely exterminated. But, not without loss. Due to their vast numbers, we ended up losing seven vampires. God rest their souls. But, the Chirp-chirp-i-doodle-able-ack-tions war was over, and peace was again upon the land," Edward finished.
Bella stared, mouth open at him, hardly believing the story her angel had just told her. She knew he wasn't lying --her power told her that-- but the story was unbelievable. A band of killer vampire chipmunks, trying to take over the world? Impossible.
"Bella, I assure you, the story is completely true," Edward said.
"Yes, bu-but . . . it's unbelievable!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.
"But, it's true. Now, my love, should we head home?" he asked her.
"Okay," she mumbled, still in complete and utter shock. He just chuckled.
Bella knew, from that day on, she would never be able to look at a chipmunk --or Mars-- the same way again.
NOW PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE review. Fanfiction wasn't working, and I had to wait THREE DAYS to upload this. SO GO GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND REVIEW!