A/N: So basically, this is my first fic, it's my take on Rachel and the reasons why she is the way she is. I didn't like the whole "she's not just a stupid blonde, she's so much more" yet she's still quite shallow: she's a fighting machine that's all there is to it, so I have decided to give her some actual depth. You also get to find out about her past. This story takes place before the end of the war, but later in the series. Warning: Rachel angst.

Disclaimer: I don't own Rachel, or any of the other Animorphs, Animorphs related characters, species etc., etc. They belong to K. A. Applegate. Neither do I own the song Iris, which is owned by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Chapter 1. and I don't want the world to see me . . .

" . . . And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand . . ."

The song played on the radio as I waited for him to show up, and I thought, you can say that again. That one line pretty much summed up my life. It also reminded me of that night. When Tobias and I were at the school dance, when he almost got trapped as a human. It was the last song we got to dance to before he had to go. He left just before the song ended, leaving me to listen to the last few lines of "And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am" before I ran out after him. Watching him leave, and listening to those words, made me feel utterly pathetic. I wanted him to stay so badly . . . I wonder sometimes exactly why I ran after him, if I really thought he might stay if I asked him, or to make sure he got out okay. Then there's the conversation we had . . . "I'm not just a warrior, I'm a girl. I'm trying not to be dragged off the cliff, away from all normalcy, into this insane life we live. I don't like what it does to me, Tobias . . ."

In that one moment, I almost told him everything, about why I am the way I am, how I'm not really the way I seem. Almost told him how much of everything I hated, how much of everything was a brave face, a front, an act. And I wanted to tell him. I love Tobias. It's taken me a long time to admit it to myself, and I know it'll take me a long time still to be able to tell him that. If I ever did choose to tell someone, it would be Tobias.

I heard the flap of wings outside my window, and a familiar ((Hi, Rachel)). I sat up on my bed, turned the radio off, and smiled at him, that-everything's-fine-with-me million-dollar smile.

"Hi Tobias."

He glided through the window and perched on my desk. ((No homework tonight?))

I smiled to myself; Tobias probably supplied the answers to more of my homework than I did. "No, I thought maybe we could just talk or something." Though let's not talk too much I thought. "You could morph human", I tried to say it offhandedly, like I didn't care, but he knows me too well, he knows I do care. He sighed, that doesn't mean he's above letting me know what he thinks, but hopped off my desk and began to morph. I smiled again, for real this time, and went to dig out his clothes from my closet.

I shifted some boxes around, trying to find his clothes. I reached up and felt around on the top shelf, where are those clothes? Aha! Clothes. I pulled them down with one hand, my other hand hitting something else, and it fell down beside me. I looked down, and I froze. A photo album. A very particular photo album, yellow and blue with big, childish daisies painted on it. I dropped the clothes, dropped to my knees, and snatched it up with trembling hands. It's been how long? Yet I already knew the answer. Five years. I hadn't seen this photo album since we'd moved here. Five years ago. So much happened then, so much that affected everything- the way I am, the way I do things, why I do things. Yet I'd almost forgotten. I flipped it open to the middle. The last page with photos on it. It was only ever half-filled. I swallowed hard as the scene from one of the photos started to play over in my head.

"Blow out the candles you two!" "Smile for the camera you guys. Dan, would you get Sarah and Jordan out of the way for a minute? There . . . Big smiles now! . . ."

"Rachel?" Tobias' human voice brought me back to reality. I shook my head, trying to clear it. I shoved the photo album to the back of the top shelf, not noticing the folded slip of paper that fell out of the back. I picked up the clothes and walked out of the closet.

"Sorry," I say, "some stuff fell down, I had to pick it up." I gave him that smile again, handed him his clothes, and sat back down on my bed, suddenly not in the mood for talking.

I couldn't help but smile when I saw Tobias fully dressed though. This is the way Tobias really is I reminded myself. He came and sat down beside me.

"Hey"

"Hey yourself. " I snuggled closer to him, and rested my head on his shoulder.

"I guess you really meant talk or something huh?" He smiled at me, rare for him, and my heart melted. Tobias has the best smile.

"Yeah, or something." I brought my head up, and kissed him, slowly. It isn't often Tobias is in this kind of mood, and it almost made me feel normal, most of the time. But tonight wasn't most of the time. I tried to put the album out of my mind, but Tobias could tell I wasn't my usual self tonight.

"Something wrong?" I knew he was concerned, even if he didn't show it.

"Relax Tobias," I flashed the smile again, and gave him a quick kiss. "I'm fine." He was quiet for a minute; I could never completely fool him with the I-never-feel-bad-about-anything-I-do, -I-love-this-war act, but he didn't push it. I brushed his bangs out of his eyes. "You need a haircut."

"Yeah, I guess I do" he said as he pushed my hair behind my ear. I smiled, but my heart wasn't in it. I wanted to be enjoying it, I really did. It's so rare for Tobias to be in that king of mood. But I couldn't keep that album out of my mind. I willed Tobias not to pick up on my mood.

"You're in a good mood tonight." I said, changing the subject.

"Things have been quiet lately, we may actually be getting a break for a while. I guess I'm just feeling optimistic." Pause. "I may even be convinced into going to the dance next week."

I felt my smile evaporate. Dance? Crap. How had he found out? Yes, I wanted to go, I wanted to go with Tobias. But I also didn't want to go. I didn't want to pretend to be a normal couple in a gymnasium full of real normal couples. I was finally beginning to accept that Tobias and I were not a normal couple, and that we probably wouldn't be a normal couple any time soon. I didn't want what we didn't have thrown in my face. Especially after the last dance.

"What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy about it." Guess my feelings were showing on my face.

"It's not that I'm not happy about it baby, really. It's just . . . I don't know." I shifted uncomfortably. "Why? I guess. Dances aren't something you usually leap at the chance to go to."

"Because I know you want to go." Uh-oh. "Especially after the last dance. I know it's hard for you, and you're right, you do need some normalcy in your life. We both do." He held my hand in both of his.

"Tobias, you know what almost happened last time. I can't ask you to risk that again." I can't go through it again. I brought my eyes up to meet his. Crap.

"Rachel, I just want you to be happy. I know there's a lot that you deserve that I can't give you. Please. Let me do this for you." Why do you have to be so sweet?

I smiled. "Okay." What are you saying? If you don't want to go, why don't you just tell him?

He smiled now too, and leaned over to kiss me. We came up for air, and he smiled again. "Good." He leaned in to kiss me again. This is almost normal. I thought. But if this is what I wanted, why aren't I happy?