"Things Never to Say or Do in the Presence of the Dark Lord….Unless You're a Suicidal Death Eater"

By Regulas Black

During a Death Eater meeting, walk up to him, call him a mudblood and kick him in the ball

Ask him why he prefers 'mangina'

Hire a mentally handicapped muggle to dress up as the Dark Lord for the annual Death Eater Halloween costume ball

Slip the Dark Lord a powerful sleeping potion, and have said muggle take over for a week

Ask him to autograph a picture of Albus Dumbledore

For his birthday, give him a shirt that reads 'Godric Gryffindor makes me horny'

Replace his aftershave with 'scent of dead field mouse'

Slip him a truth potion, and hand him a portkey that takes him to the Minister of Magic's house

Turn his wand into a hobbit sized bong, and sell it on the black market

Get your Dark Mark color coded

Enchant his robes to sing 'Another one bites the dust' whenever he sits down

Wear red and gold robes next time he askes to see you

When planning the next massacre, rip the biggest, loudest, nastiest fart, and blame it on the Dark Lord

Feed his snake laxatives

Ask him if he likes to play with trouser snakes

Ask him if he's seen the muggle film 'Birth of a Nation'

Super impose the Dark Lord's face onto a centerfold, and charm it to be bonded to the wall in the toilet

Go to the Death Eater's Death robe laundry room, and replace all their robes with Auror robes

Run an add in the Daily Prophet asking 'have you seen my son' and include a picture of the Dark Lord sitting on the can

Claim to have met the love child of the Dark Lord and a yeti

Turn his hideout into a muggle tourist attraction, and keep all the profits

Send out a memo to all the Death Eaters that tomorrow is 'bring your daughter to work day'

Fix the Dark Lord up on a blind date with a (literal) troll

Run up to him, and tell him it's his turn to pay for the beer run

Teabag his snake, and take pictures

Buy him a tombstone that reads 'Moldy Wart: Killed by Harry Potter…..while on the can"

When late for a gathering with the Dark Lord, claim you were late cause you were finishing up with a 12 year old prostitute that looked remarkably like him

Ask him why he never taught at Hogwarts

Pack some oregino into a bong, light it up, and pass it to the Dark Lord

Tell him that the Ministry has made a new official holiday, 'whacking day'

Walk up to him and give him a big hug

Speak only in pig latin when in the presence of the Dark Lord

Tell him that the KKK has a better dental plan

Start wearing snake hide boots

Before taking the Dark Mark, get a tattoo of a sad clown making it with a mermaid on your left forarm

Offer to play strip chess with the Dark Lord

Next time he gets the flu, send him a get well card, and sign it "Mad Eye Moody"

Bake hash brownies with strong laxatives, put them in special wrapping, then give them to the Dark Lord, claiming they're a gift from Sirius Black

Take his snake for a walk, and come back with Chinese food

Ask him if he can change the color of the Death Eater robes to navy blue, cause it brings out the color of your eyes

Walk up to the Dark Lord, pull up his shirt, look at his bare chest for a second, then turn to the nearest Death Eater and say "I told you he didn't have three nipples"

Next time he's battling aurors, start singing "I fought the law, but the law won"

Ask the Dark Lord if he'll teach you to ball room dance

Walk up from behind the Dark Lord and say "I don't know what Malfoy was talking about my Lord, you don't look like a bitch from behind to me"

While the Dark Lord sits on his throne, light his robes on fire then point to Wormtail

Order him a male order husband from Japan

Plaster naked pictures of Minerva McGonagall all over the Dark Lord's bedroom

Next time there's going to be a muggle torturing in the Dark Lord's lair, rent the place out for an AA meeting

Place a permanent 'curse me' sign on his back

Run a Pauly Shore and Carrot Top movie marathon

Set up a novelty stand in Diagon Alley selling replicates of the Dark Lord's Horcruxes