Dawn.

Rejection.

a/n - this may - may - be the last chapter i write of this story. it's gotten very hard. we shall see. sometimes... stories just aren't meant to be told.

"Dawn?"

"Mmm." The world was hazy. I'm so tired. I don't ever remember being this tired.

"DAWN!" This time she sounded panicked. I opened my eyes and realized with a start I was holding my steering wheel. I jerked, swerving the car to the left. Nobody was next to me. Thank God.

I looked over to Sunny, who was staring at me, eyes wide. "I'm sorry." I said quickly, sitting up and yawning.

Asleep. I had fallen asleep driving on the I-5. I fell asleep driving. Jesus, what's wrong with me? I'm not a religious person, but I glanced up nonetheless. Thank you, God. Thank you for not letting me kill us. As I glance back at the road, I note that my exit is coming up. Shit. How long was I out of it?

Sunny is still staring at me. Avoid the issue. She's done much crazier things.

I exited the freeway and navigated to Sunny's house without further incident. When I pulled to a stop at the curb, I finally look over at her. "So."

She smiles, our near-death experience long forgotten. "Tomorrow. You ready?"

I am not. "I'm ready. Do you think this will work?"

"It's been over a month, Dawn. It was just a blowjob. He'll be over it."

I am not. "But he hasn't talked to me..."

Sunny tsk's and shakes her head. "But I have. Trust me. He's over it. He's being... shy. It is awkward, Dawnie. I mean, it's you, plus you're underage. Awkward."

"Awkward." I repeated. Oh, Sunny. Do you understand how truly awkward this is going to be? Have you ever been in this situation? Why don't I know the answer to that?

Sunny exited my car, calling goodbye. Awkward. She and I knew awkwardness for a few days, after she'd called. It didn't take long for us to fall back into our routine, though. We've been friends too long. She called, we talked, I told her what happened with Ducky, she'd apologized for overreacting and blamed the drugs, and we'd spent the last month partying far away from home. I've become something of an expert at driving under the influence. Tonight, for instance. I haven't slept in... two or three days. I've been drinking. I guess it caught up to me.

I say it all so nonchalantly. I feel nonchalant about it all. But tomorrow, Ducky's birthday, seeing him for the first time since we... did what we did? I am not nonchalant.

I pulled into my own driveway and left my car without trying to be quiet. It's three in the morning, two hours past my curfew, but I am beyond caring. Dad won't care. Carol won't care. They never do.

Sure enough, when I walked through the door, nobody was waiting anxiously for me. I headed immediately for my room, still not being quiet. They don't care. Why bother.

I fall into my bed without undressing. I think I sleep within seconds. But who knows. My mind is barely my own these days.

"What are you wearing?"

I look down at myself. Short black skirt, black bikini top, a jacket over my arm, tall pink sandals. "Uh."

My dad's eyebrows knitted together. I know what he's thinking. I look like a hooker.

"Beach party." I explained, sniffling.

He still looks disapproving. "Which beach? Who's party?"

"Since when do you care?" I asked. I wasn't being rude.

"Dawn." My father replied.

"Newport beach. Ducky's birthday." I sniffle again, and wipe at my nose absentmindedly.

My father approaches me, put his hands on my shoulders. "Dawn." He says again, meeting my eyes.

I only hold his gaze for a moment. I look away. Out of... guilt? Mistrust? I don't know. I wonder what he sees in my eyes. Dilated pupils, a dullness. Can he smell the beer on my breath? I'm chewing gum.

Does my father know I do drugs?

I pictured myself, lately. I've dropped a few pounds, my skin has gotten paler. I've developed a little acne on my cheeks. These are all things that could be attributed to adolescence, puberty. I've become withdrawn, bitchy. Again, adolescence. I'm staying out until God knows when, God knows where. I'm just a normal teenager.

He lets go of my shoulders. He looks sad. I wish he would just say what's on his mind. Liberal parenting at it's best, I suppose.

I turn and walk away from him, to no objection. He doesn't care. Of course he doesn't. He's got Jeff, a wife, a baby to worry about. His oldest daughter being on drugs does not fit into the picture.

I get in my car and drive to Sunny's quickly. I welcome myself in her house - her dad is at the bookstore. When is he not? When I barge into Sunny's room she's in the middle of a line. Sunny's lost weight, too. She's neglected her hair, which has faded to an unflattering pink. She doesn't care. Are we drug addicts? Or are we just teenagers having fun?

I do two more lines in Sunny's bedroom, and we head out. To Newport beach. To Ducky's birthday party. I don't know what to hope for as I'm driving. Honestly? I'm hoping he'll see me and swoon. Because I am not afraid to admit anymore that I am a little bit in love with Ducky McCrae.

So we drive. And we arrive. And there is Ducky. My breath is taken away by the sight of him. Tall, tan, healthy, happy. Sunny and I run to him, squealing. Ducky greets Sunny with open arms. After he lets her go he looks at me, smiling. "Dawn."

Hearing the man speak my name is enough to make it all happen again. I swoon. I fall. I wrap my arms around Ducky, fighting back tears. "I missed you." I whispered to him.

"I missed you, too." He replied quietly, tensing a little.

I held him a bit too long, not caring. My Ducky. What have we become? I kiss his cheek and he tenses even more. Oh, poor Ducky. I wonder again if he is gay. I had assumed no, after what happened, but maybe he's confused. I know I am.

I decided not to push the issue. Not yet. "Happy birthday!" I squealed as I pulled away. Sunny handed him our gift - a bottle of Southern Comfort. I hadn't wanted to bring back that particular memory, but Sunny had insisted it would be funny.

Ducky laughed as he took the bottle, twisting off the cap and taking a chug right away. He passed it to Sunny, who took a drink and passed it to me. I drink, long and hard. By the time I let go of the bottle it is half empty. No one notices. I run into Josh, Ducky's roomate. He's happy to see me. Everyone's happy to see everyone. Something nags at me.

I have more drinks. I do more lines. I have MORE drinks. It still nags.

Two hours after we've arrived, I see Ducky, who's standing at the bonfire chatting with a girl. She's pretty, a brunette, probably about his age. They appear to be friends. I watch them for a little while, drinking my drink and having a conversation with Sunny, not having any idea what we were talking about.

Then I see it.

The girl leans closer to him, telling him something private, I suppose. Ducky's hand lands on her waist comfortably, and stays there, even after she tells her secret.

The world went silent.

All I can see is Ducky's hand. Sitting there, comfortably, on some girls waist. Like it did on mine only a month ago. No. No. I shake my head. Sound comes back.

They're only friends. Ducky is an affectionate guy.

I walk away from Sunny.

Ducky sees me approaching, and his hand drops. I see his mouth move, and the girl edges away. Ducky comes toward me, and we meet almost in the middle.

"Come on, Dawn. Let's talk." He says, grabbing my wrist.

I allow Ducky to lead me away from the fire, toward the pacific. The moon is almost full, and I can see Ducky clearly. He sits down on the shore and pulls me with him.

"Ducky, what happened?" I ask.

He sighs. "I'm sorry I didn't call. I really am. I just... freaked. I mean, you're Dawn, and you're only sixteen, and... and I was starting to like you. I wasn't pretending, Dawn. I was very confused."

I smile, looking into his eyes. Poor Ducky. "I was starting to like, you, too." And now I love you. Fuck.

"You understand, though, right? Why you and I can never..."

"I get it, Ducky. You're gay."

Ducky blinked. "What?"

"I guess I've always known. It was just a stupid crush, I knew better... I... I'm sorry."

"Dawn-"

"I just hope I didn't ruin our friendship." I barreled on.

"Dawn I'm not gay."

I stopped.

"I just... can't. You know that. It's illegal, Dawn. You're much too young for me."

I stared at him. "You were flirting with me for weeks."

"I-"

"You were leading me on. Oh my God, you started it! You're not gay? I'm too young? Bullshit!" I shout, unable to stop myself.

"I was confused–"

"YOU were confused?" I'm shouting louder now. "What about me? Sitting by the phone for days, waiting for the guy I practically gave my virginity with to call... I'm too YOUNG? BULLSHIT!"

"Dawn, please stop yelling, please? I'll admit it, just stop..." Ducky looks as if he's going to cry.

I fall silent, staring at him.

"Okay. It's not your age. But I'm not gay. I was just... wrong? Okay? I'm just... not attracted to you. In that way."

I merely sat there, my lip quivering. How do you answer that? How do you answer the one thing guys have been telling you since you started dating? It's just not right, we make better friends...

"I love you, Dawn. You're my friend."

No.

I took a deep breath, raised my hand, and slapped Ducky across the face with gusto. All that trust, everything I had put into him... all for nothing. Everything I do is for nothing. It's like I don't matter.

Ducky didn't recoil from the slap, he simply sat there, still looking like he might cry. I stand up and run away, run to my car, and drive. I'm halfway home before I realize I forgot Sunny.

She's a big girl. She'll be okay.