This chapter kinda sucks. Sorry about that. I was supposed to have finished it before the seventh book came out, hence the Hat cutting him off before he goes into detail about the seventh year.

Professor McGonagall and Greta both looked rather sulky after the Hat's announcement. Serves you right, the Hat thought vindictively. With a slightly more furrowed brow, the Headmistress read the next name off the list. "Harry Potter Cadwallader!"

That was a rather catchy name. "Haaarry Pot-ter Caaaad-wallad-er!" the Hat sang in his mind. It almost fit the chorus of "Small World", other than that last syllable. As a boy with shaggy black hair (was that cowlick formed with hair gel?) and glasses with thick, round frames approached the stool, the Hat pushed those words out of his head (you'd find it creepy if a Hat were on your head singing your name to the tune of "Small World") and replaced them with the actual words.

What's that?

"Oh, that's a Muggle song one of your classmates got stuck in my head. It's from some place in Florida, Disneyworld. From what I've heard, it's really popular around the world."

The boy pondered for a minute. So...since it's a Muggle thing, do you think Harry Potter ever went there with his aunt and uncle?

The Hat tried not to snort. "How would I know? Well, probably not. They kept him in a cupboard--you really think they let him out to go ride roller coasters and say hi to random animated characters?"

Harry shrugged. Well, I don't know! Disneyworld could have been yet another adventure in his youth! He did have a lot of them, you know. His eyes took on an adoring gaze, although the Hat couldn't really see it. I mean, think about it! He'd already defeated Voldemort--it's so nice to be able to say his name now that we're no longer afraid--when he was just a baby. My parents named me after him when he was eight because they owed him their lives. Everyone owed him their lives. In his first year--in the second month of his first year, yet!--he beat up a troll that was attacking his friends. And then later he made it through that entire obstacle course that all the teachers set up to prevent Voldemort from getting to the Stone.

"He did have help from his friends on those, you know," the Hat reminded him, rolling his eyes.

He didn't have help in his second year when he descended into the Chamber and rescued his girlfriend. Well, she wasn't his girlfriend until years later, but still. And then in his third year, he perfected the Patronus and fought off more dementors than most advanced wizards could. In his fourth year, he even had to duel with Voldemort! Not to mention getting past all the stuff in the Triwizard Tournament, although he had LOTS of help with that.

Heaving a sigh, the Hat attempted to stop him. "Harry, I know all of this already. Could we--" But the boy plowed ahead.

Then in his fifth year, even facing that horrible Umbridge and the Ministry's bullying, he went to the Department of Ministries and fought the Death Eaters. That was when he became known in the wizarding community as the Chosen One. But it wasn't until his sixth year that he began collecting and destroying Horcruxes once Dumbledore--may he rest in peace--showed him his theories. That was when he truly began the fight against Voldemort, but it was a mere scratch on the surface compared to his seventh year, which was when he--

"HARRY!" the Hat boomed in his head, finally causing the boy to lapse into silence. "Do you honestly think I don't know this stuff? I may be only a hat, but I live in the Headmistress's office! I get all the information I need."

But you see, Harry explained, that's why I want to model my life after his! Such an amazing idol! The Hat rolled his eyes, but refrained from saying the snarky comments forming in its mind.. And if there is the slightest chance Harry Potter ever went to that Disneyworld place, then I need to know that song! Can you teach it to me?

The boy. Was asking him. To TEACH him. That song.

Would wonders never cease?

"Fine," the Hat sighed, resigned to his fate. He sang the words quickly. "Now if you wouldn't mind, let's get on with the sorting."

Harry bounced in his seat, almost knocking the Hat off his head. Watch it, kid. I get motion sickness. Harry ignored this statement, cheerily proclaiming in his head, I'm going to be a Gryffindor, just like Harry Potter! He then proceeded to hum that blasted song.

Gritting his...er...okay, just know that the Hat was really, really annoyed by this point...he forced himself into a murderous calm. You know the type, when people are horribly ticked off and ready to blow a fuse, they get that horrible grimacing smile on their face and hiss rather than scream. In a sickly sweet voice appearing inside Harry's head, the Hat asked, "Okay, so what brave things have you done lately?"

Silence reigned in the boy's head, other than that ticking the Hat could detect as someone thinking hard. Well...I...uh...

"If you're a true Gryffindor, it shouldn't be hard to think of a way your daring, nerve, and chivalry sets you apart from others."

Then the boy's eyes lit up. I know! Just last week, Greta and her gang were bullying my friend Eugene because he was showing me a tap dance he choreographed. So I stood up to them, told them to cut it out, because Eugene is a great guy.

The Hat...nodded. Something like that. Perhaps he merely moved back and forth on Harry's head. "I see. So you showed your kindness, sweetness, and loyalty."

Harry nodded enthusiastically. Exactly! I-- His brow furrowed. Wait a minute...

"HUFFLEPUFF!"