Jigsaw

A/N So first off I'm really bad for starting a new story when I'm not quite done with Sky Blue and Black (I did update right before adding this one, if you missed it) and I'm putting Polaris off for a week or two. But this story is a little different, and I wrote the first few chapters while stuck at my brothers baseball tourney this weekend and ended up liking it a lot. When you're writing fanfics, it feels like all the set ups have been done (pregnancies, moving away, car accidents, etc.) and I wanted something more original. Not being able to think of anything right off, I decided to take one of the standard set-ups and do something completely different with it. That is, take it in a direction that, hopefully, hasn't been done before much.

Info to know: One month after the finale. Meredith and Derek are NOT together. The rest of the events that filled in that one month will become revealed as the story goes on…you'll see what I'm talking about pretty soon when you start reading. George and Meredith incident didn't happen, but everything else is the same. Denny died, Callie and George are together, Burke is pretty much recovered, Izzie is working at the hospital again, because I don't feel like going into the whole quit thing. But she recently started back, for the sake of the story.

Derek Shepard washed his hands as he left the OR. Successful surgery. He'd pulled it off like it was nothing out of the ordinary. As if the patient was nothing but a normal car crash victim, female, 29 years old, sustained major head trauma.

He had been able to make his hands stop shaking and keep his vision from blurring with the tears that kept coming when the terror hit him.

None of the interns had scrubbed in, for obvious reasons, but Dr. Bailey had. She'd remembered for him to close the gallery off.

As he scrubbed his hands at the sink, his surgical mask dangling around his neck, his hands shook and his breath came out in sharp gasps. He'd held it together in there. He hadn't had a choice. If he'd shown what he was feeling, he wouldn't have been allowed to do the surgery.

No way would he have let anyone else do that surgery.

Dr. Bailey smiled slightly at him when she came up at the sink next to him. "Good surgery."

He exhaled slowly. "Yeah. The risks, though-"

Dr. Bailey shook her head. "She'll get through that. Could have been so much worse. She's lucky to be alive."

"Yeah." He thought back to the choking panic when he'd been called on a consult by one of the ER doctors. He'd arrived just before Bailey had, giving her or anyone else no time to get him away.

Bailey raised her eyebrows at him. "You want to talk to the other suck-ups out there or should I do it?"

Derek untied the surgical cap on his head and slowly ran his fingers through his hair. "No, that's…I'll do it."

Bailey nodded. "If I were to guess, they're standing right outside."

Sure enough, the minute the two doctors emerged from the OR, Cristina, Alex, Izzie and George descended on them.

"Is she okay?"

"She gonna be okay?"

Bailey slapped Derek on the back with a smile. "All yours."

He cleared his throat and watched Bailey walk down the hallway. "The surgery went well. We repaired any damage and she should be fine."

Sighs of relief filled the air.

"There is one other thing. She…we were working around the temporal lobe of her brain, where what is stored?" He quizzed them as if they were in surgery.

To no one's surprise, Cristina spoke first, giving the answer automatically. "Memory."

"Right, yes. Memory." Derek shifts uncomfortably. "As I said, we…we were working in that area and…there's a possibility of damage. To the memory."

George stared at him. "You mean…she could lose her memory?"

"Well, generally…" Derek is having trouble maintaining his professional tone. "If there is damage, it's usually on partial memory loss, and temporary. But…it could be fine. We won't know for sure until she wakes up."

Izzie was staring at him fearfully. "Dr. Shepard? I don't get it…partial loss?"

"Yes, it can be anything from temporary loss of short term memory, or she could not remember a certain amount of time before the accident."

Alex shook his head slightly, clearly thinking hard. "But…not permanently?"

"It's…very unlikely. And as I said, she could wake up and be fine."

"When will she wake up?"

Derek studied the floor distractedly. "Shouldn't be more than a couple of hours. Are…I mean, are you going to be there? With her."

They nodded. Cristina said, "None of us is on call."

"Okay, well…page me when she starts waking okay? I've got other patients, but I'll check on her as much as I can." He turned and walked off.

Izzie turned to Christina after he left. "He acts like he doesn't care."

Alex shook his head. "No, he acts like she's just another patient."

"He's faking it." Cristina sounded sure of herself. "You guys didn't see his face when I got to the ER. He was terrified for her."

They began to walk down the corridors to Meredith's post-op room.

Izzie looked worried. "About that memory thing…"

"You heard Shepard. It'll probably be temporary."

"Still…"

George met her eyes. "It could have been a lot worse", he said quietly, unknowingly repeating Bailey's words from earlier.

"You never know about post-operation. You can think everything is fine, then…" She trailed off softly. Alex looked down, and Cristina and George glanced at each other uncomfortably. It's still hard for them to know how to handle these comments from Izzie, the ones that serve as a quiet reminder of everything she went through when Denny died.

"She'll be fine." Cristina said confidently.

They entered her room, where Meredith was lying on the bed, giving the appearance of a deep sleep. She looked no different than she had right before going into surgery, after the blood had been cleaned off.

Izzie sat in one of the two chairs. "A few hours, right?"

"That's what Shepard said." Alex confirmed, taking the other chair.

Cristina stared at him indignantly. "Uh, excuse you?'

"What?"

"The chair. Give it up."

"Why should I?"

George grinned slightly. "It's what you're supposed to do for the ladies, man."

"She's no lady." Alex grumbled, standing up from the chair anyway. Cristina smirked at him as she sat down.

Izzie was staring at Meredith. "Now all we can do it wait."

XXXXXXXX

Derek left Meredith's friends and turned the corner of the hallway and headed instantly for the on-call room.

He locked the door when he got inside, confirming it was empty. Breathing heavily, he touched his hands to the wall and leaned forward, staring at the ground.

She'll be fine, he repeated to himself over and over. She's going to be fine.

He tongued the inside of his cheeks; they were raw from his constantly biting them to keep from screaming or crying or cursing or whatever else he'd felt since he saw Meredith on that stretcher earlier.

He had kept of the professional act up in front of her friends. The hostility in their eyes, a familiar sight that had returned the past month or so, showed that they didn't see how he felt about it.

They thought he didn't care.

The truth is, Derek had never been more terrified.

He had lied about having other patients. He wasn't on call either. He was dying to go into her room and wait by her bed to know as soon as possible if she was alright.

But he couldn't do that. It would blow the image.

He waited there, in the on call room, trying not to stare at his pager, for about three hours before it began beeping.

He stood quickly and half-ran down the hallway toward her room.

Panting slightly, he stuck his head in the door. Meredith's friends were crowded around her bed.

"She awake?"

George looked at him. "Close."

Derek walked over and stood behind Alex and Izzie on one side of the bed, watching Meredith's eyelids flutter. "Meredith?"

He tried to position himself closer, between Alex and Izzie but they gave him no room, Alex shooting him a glare as he moved closer to Izzie.

Derek got it. He wanted to act like just her doctor, than that was all he was.

Meredith moaned slightly.

Cristina was talking, "Mer? C'mon, Meredith, wake up…"

Meredith's eyes opened and shut instantly against the light. "What...what happened?"

"You were in a car accident." George told her gently.

Her eyes darted around at each of her friends. "Oh…"

Derek stepped back and pretended to be studying a machine.

"Am I…am I going to be okay?"

Izzie smiled at her. "You're going to be fine now. But you freaked us out…"

"Do you remember the accident?" Cristina asked.

Meredith was shaking her head. "No…"

"Well, that's normal." Izzie glanced at Derek. "That's normal, right?"

Before he had to answer, Cristina spoke, "Of course it's normal. She's fine, watch." She met Meredith's eyes. "Mer, who am I?"

"Cristina." Meredith's eyebrows knit together.

Cristina jabbed George in the side. "Who's this?"

"George."

"See, she's fine."

Derek had moved back against the far wall, scribbling something on the chart. Meredith hadn't seen him yet.

Meredith looked at Cristina again. "Where's McDreamy?"

"Who?" Izzie and Cristina had spoken at the same time. Derek was staring, too. Meredith hadn't called him McDreamy-or anything but Dr. Shepard, for that matter- for the last month.

"Derek." She looked at them questioningly. "Did he do the surgery?"

Alex jerked his head behind him to the wall. "He's right there."

Meredith met his eyes.

His heart was melting slightly. She wasn't looking at him with the usual distance, indifference or, occasionally, if he caught her at it, anger. It was the old look.

He stepped forward, unable to keep up the professional act anymore. The others were staring so much they didn't think to get in his way. He knelt down so he could look at her. "Hey."

"Hey. Am I…am I really going to be fine now?"

He nodded, suddenly fighting a lump in his throat. "Yeah, you're…you're fine." He smiled shakily. "God, I was scared, Mer…" Maybe this would be his chance. To apologize. Maybe the car accident was what it had taken for her to forgive him.

Then she did something that shocked all of them.

She put a hand on his cheek and kissed him softly.

Derek kissed back without thinking, but when they broke apart, he was staring at her.

"What the-" Cristina started to say, but Izzie stepped on her foot to stop her.

"Meredith…" Derek asked, his heart pounding but trying to keep his voice calm. "What month is it?"

"June." She answered immediately.

"Year?"

"2005."

Derek inhaled sharply. He turned and looked at her friends, who were staring at each other, openmouthed.

"What?" Meredith's voice rose slightly in panic. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just…" Derek had his soothing tone. "I need you to answer some questions for me."

"Derek, my head hurts…"

"I know, but I'll get you something for the pain…just tell me..." He paused. "Tell me something we did together. Recently. The last thing you remember."

"You showed me your trailer." Her face gave away the fear she was feeling. "Derek, please tell me what's going on-"

"You said 2005?" Alex asked.

"Yeah…" She met Derek's eyes, hers pleading. "Is that wrong?"

Derek closed his eyes momentarily. "Mer…it's 2006."

"What?"

"When we operated we were working around the temporal lobe."

"You mean I can't remember a whole year?"

"It's a…" Doctor mode again, he willed himself. "It's a form of partial retrograde amnesia. Don't worry, it's almost always temporary…"

"Don't worry?" Meredith repeated faintly. "I've lost a whole year-"

"Temporarily. Um, when you recover…for most patients, they'll start to recall older memories first, then the more recent memories but…as we get into more recent memories, the ones that happened close together tend to return…the bits and pieces, that start to come back in a more random order, like…well, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle." This was how he described it the couple of times he'd seen something like this happen.

Meredith's face was pale, and she looked like she was trying to comprehend everything. Derek slipped his hand into hers and squeezed it reassuringly.

Repeating Bailey's earlier words, he told her softly, "It could have been worse."

She smiled weakly at him.

Derek's head was spinning. He had only gotten to the realization that Meredith thought they were dating before he'd stopped thinking ahead.

Christina and Izzie were staring at each other in horror. They had gotten further than Dr. Shepard in understanding the reality of this.

"So…" Meredith's voice was shaking, like she was trying really hard to stay calm. "So what happened? For the last year?"

"Well-" Cristina started.

Derek interrupted. "Actually, Mer, it's better if we just let you remember on your own…shoving a lot of information could confuse you." Cristina is sending him a withering glare. "That's, um, that's what I've found, at least."

"Dr. Shepard, could I see you in the hall?" Cristina asked him, faking a smile.

"Um, yeah. Sure." He smiled at Meredith. "We'll be right back."

"And then we should probably go, Mer." Izzie told her, smiling. "It's like two a.m. and you probably need to rest."

Meredith looked at Derek before he left the room, asking hesitantly, "Derek? Will you…will you stay with me tonight?"

He met her eyes, smiling. "Yeah, of course."

Out in the hallway, Cristina was glaring at him. "Seriously!"

"What?"

"You're going to take advantage of this? She thinks you're dating! You really want to use that-"

"Actually, I happen to know it's better not to act like anything's drastically different until she starts remembering." He told her with a smirk. "Stress. Confusion."

"Maybe so, but you said the older memories return first. Which means that one of the first thing she'll remember will be your wife showing up."

Derek's smirk faded.

"You want to be the one to deal with that? Fine." Cristina turned and went back into the room.

Derek leaned his back against the wall and slid slightly down it, groaning softly.

The magnitude of what was happening finally hit him.

She thinks we're dating, he told himself. And soon she'll start remembering…and she'll have relive all the hurt of the past year all over again.

Damn.

Chapter Two

Derek followed Cristina back into the room to see Meredith's friends telling her goodbye.