Mint's Big Surprise

Summary: Mint's romantic dream... and her two big realizations.
Rating: PG-13
(Author's notes are the bottom of the fic)

***

Mint was furious. Rue had gotten his wish, and she hadn't. No matter which frickin destiny you played, as her or Rue, she was screwed. The producers had failed to give her her only wish, WORLD DOMINATION. She couldn't understand it. They had the power to bring back a dead human, but they couldn't give her something as simple as world domination!? It was despicable.

"I HAAAAAAAATE YOU!!!!!!" Mint had screamed into the air as soon as the end credits had rolled. In protest, she went on her own quest to find her *own* relic. So much for writing that sunuvabeetch dingbat Rue like she'd promised, she was doing it on her own this time! He always screwed things up.

But after five years, she had yet to find even a single clue to another relic. In fact, Mint, not being the brightest girl on the block, forgot what she was doing after about four years. So she walked around aimlessly, until she one day somehow ended up on Klaus' doorstep.

"Oh my goodness! What the hell is this dirty, ugly girl doing on my doorstep?" He exclaimed.

"YOU ASSHOLE! IT'S ME, MINT!"

Klaus gasped. "Oh my goodness..." Now Klaus was a polite man, and he did not want to be rude to Mint. But, frankly, she smelled awful. "You're sister's been looking for you for years! Why don't you go see her in the Tower of Maya?"

Mint pouted. "Aw, well, I guess I'll do that. Thanks!" And she left as quickly as she came. Klaus finally let out a deep breath and prayed she hadn't infected him somehow.

Having lost a significant amount of brain cells on her journey, Mint could not remember how to get to the castle, despite the fact that it could be seen all over the world on a clear days. She finally found it after two long weeks and rang the royal doorbell.

Queen Maya opened the door. "Mint!" she exclaimed in happily. "What a nice surprise! I've been looking all over for you!"

Mint looked at her sister. She was older looking, very beautiful, and dressed in a lovely royal gown. But Mint only noticed one thing. "Why are you staring at me, Mint?" Maya asked, afraid she had forgotten to fasten a button..

"Maya! You've grown boobs!" Mint gasped.

"Well, I'm sixteen years old now," Maya responded, blushing furiously. "Older sister, I see you are just as flat as ever. And you look like a dead sewer rat. And to top it off, you smell terrible."

"Bitch!" Mint spat.

"Now, now, that's no way to welcome me," said Maya. "I am still happy you are back, and you can have a nice, long bath. Rue and Claire will be happy to see you at dinner."

"Rue and Claire? The hell?" Mint exclaimed.

"They've been living with me as my top advisors since you ran off," Maya explained, "and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm the queen, and I make the decisions here."

"All right," Mint sighed. She walked upstairs to take a long, hot bath. But that didn't keep her from being extremely pissed at idiotic Rue and miss perfect Claire just fo rbeing there. Gawd, she hated them. No, she was just jealous of their brother-sister relationship.

No, she HATED THEM!

After an extremely long bath, Mint grudgingly headed downstairs. She sat down at her designated place, noting unhappily that there were no dishes out for her to "sample" ahead of time.

"Hi, Mint!" came a voice, distracting her from her thoughts. "Nice to see you!"

Then, it happened.

The event which proved just how many brain cells she had lost on her trip. Claire and Maya were standing next to Rue, but all she noticed was him.

Mint turned beet red. He was so handsome! So sexy! So incredibly beautiful! Rue had grown from being a fourteen year old uglier then her ass to the most incredible, sexy man she had ever seen. Granted, the only men Mint had seen in her life were old guys and freaky perverts. But still.

"H-h-h-h-h-h-h-i R.....Rue," Mint stuttered nervously. "Y-you too, Claire." Rue smiled at her and then turned to Maya, sitting down next to her. Mint was instantly upset. Why couldn't her sit next to her?

The rest of the dinner, Mint sat around in a dreamlike state. She was so amazed at Rue, she didn't even notice that pumpkins were the main course. All the mattered was HIM! How had she missed his sexiness during their journey together! What a fool she was! (Well, she already knew she was a fool) She had fallen for Rue, her hero, all in one look.

And that was Mint's first true realization.

***

A few days later, Mint sat in the tub, singing. "Uh uh, oh oh, yeah yeah, I'm in love, I'm all shook up!" Of course, she had forgotten the rest of the song, but she was content to sing that one line, over....and over...and over...

"Mint, could you shut the hell up?" Maya suddenly screamed, barging into the bathroom. "I hate your voice!"

"Errr...sorry," Mint mumbled, snapping out of her happyland.

"You've been sitting in the tub for three hours, singing one line of a song! And your voice sucks!"

"I guess I've taken up singing for a hobby," Mint said, trying to explain her odd behavior.

"In fact, you've been walking around the tower in a trancelike state for the last three days, singing random lines of love songs! What had gotten into you, Mint?" Maya moaned.

Not bothering to reply, Mint stepped out of the tub in a dreamlike state, grinning stupidly. She proceeded to walk out of the room, butt naked. Maya shrugged to herself and drained the water out of the tub. She noticed that the bathroom had sure started to smell strange since Mint had been bathing there.

Meanwhile, Mint decided to go to Claire's room. Claire seemed like a nice lady, and Mint figured she could give her lovesick mind some advice. "Come in!" Claire said neutrally as Mint walked into the door.

As soon as Claire looked at Mint, her eyeballs practically bulged out of her head. "Um, Mint, do you realize you don't have any clothes on?" she asked politely.

"Shit," Mint muttered, looking at her nude eighteen year old body. "Um, can I.."

"Sure," Claire answered, handing her an ugly-ass dress. Mint put it on, again, not protesting the ugliness due to her flighty thoughts about Rue.

"Oh Claire," Mint exclaimed in an emotionally happy voice, one very different then what she normally spoke in. "I'm in love!"

"With who?" Claire asked innocently. "The handsome gentleman that delivered the letter to Maya at the castle last night?"

Mint groaned. "You stupid b-" she suddenly cut herself off, remembering she was supposed to be asking for advice. "I mean, I'm in love with Rue, of course!"

"I see," Claire answered, keeping her voice steady.

"You know Rue well, right? How should I let him know how I feel?" Mint pleaded.

"Well, the best way to let a guy know is just to tell him privately," Claire began, "But-"

Mint cut her off. "All I have to do is tell him! All right!" She yelled as she danced around, the ugly ass dress flying off her. (It was way too big in the first place) "I'm gonna tell him tonight!" Mint then ran out of the room, again completely naked.

Claire reacted with an odd, confused look. She certainly wasn't the first person to act that way after encountering Mint.

Mint ran to her room and threw on her normal outfit. "She was actually helpful!" she said to herself with glee. "Just a few more hours, and Rue 'n I are gonna be the inseperable boyfriend and girlfriend!" She then proceeded to sing a few more one line songs.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" proclaimed a distant voice. It was Maya, who was trying desperately to disinfect Mint's bathtub, as it had numerous nasty dirt and blood stains on it. That damn Mint. She should've thrown her out of the castle as soon as she'd rang the doorbell. Rue walked up to her, with a look of symphathy on his face.

"Don't worry, she bothers me a lot, too," he reassured her in his quiet manner.

Mint smiled at Rue. "Glad to hear it. Hopefully, she'll mellow with age."

"Geez Maya, you're sounding senile," Rue responded.

"Hehe, you're right!" Maya laughed. The two both burst into laughter, realizing it was the only cure to their headaches from Mint's voice.

The rest of the evening proceeded normally. Everyone ate their dinner of pumpkins (Maya was extremely pissed off Mint had failed to notice the main course yet) and the retired to their bedrooms to do what they pleased. Mint was up her her room, preparing.

Mint had snuck into Maya's room a few hours before that time and stolen one of her beautiful, royal gowns. Unfortunately, the petite Maya's gown was too small for Mint, and she was practically popping out on top. But crazy Mint failed to notice. She thought she looked as beautiful as Maya did in the gown.

Unfortunately, she was wrong.

"I'm gonna get a boyfriend, I'm gonna get a boyfriend!" Mint said in a singsong voice, dancing around in her room. Then, she heard the clock strike nine times.

"Perfect timing!" Mint said, running out of the room. She then proceeded to walk to Rue's room, which was on the other side of the castle. She happily noticed on her way there that Maya wasn't banging around in her room, like she usually did. All the better for her if Maya was asleep and didn't know what she was doing.

Mint's slow brain made it difficult for her to find the route to Rue's room, but she finally found it after half an hour of walking around. The door was slammed shut.

But she heard...noises...coming from the room. Rue was usually a quiet person, and it was strange he was making a lot of noises. A lot of groaning sounds at least. Mint knocked on the door.

No answer.

She knocked again.

Still no answer.

Being the world's most impatient girl, Mint had had enough. She opened the door and got ready to walk into his room.

But as soon as she opened the door, she saw something that completely rocked the crazy girl's world. And not in a good way. Mint gasped in shock and disdain and proceeded to take a huge breath and run to Claire's room, again barging in.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she let out, finally taking a breath.

"What? Are you all right?" Claire asked, worried.

"AM I ALL RIGHT? NO!" Mint yelled at the top of her lunge. "HOW COULD I BE!"

Claire looked bewildered, motioning for her to continue.

"RUE'S SCREWING MAYA!"

A look of relief appeared on Claire's face. "Rue's been going out with Maya for the last three years," Claire said in her serene voice. "I tried to tell you earlier today."

And that, my friends, was Mint's second, less pleasant realization.

Mint might have tried to kill Maya or jump off the nearby cliff in her anger. But fortunately, she was too stupid to do either of those things. Instead, she proceeded to sing "My Achey Breakey Heart" in the bathtub, for the entire night.

THE END

***

My notes: What can I say, I probably pissed off a lot of Rue/Mint couple fans. But I can't stand them as a couple. They have too little in common. Better that I vent my annoyance by writing this then writing mean reviews on all the Rue/Mint romance fics. Flame (or comment) away! ;)

PS- I really don't think Mint is stupid. She's actually my favorite TOF character. It just happened to work well to characterize her that way for this parody.