The Essential Light of Need
By: Tashalaw
Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. Don't sue me or I'll sue you back.
Summary: L/L, Post-Season 6. When April is injured, Luke needs Lorelai. Can a tragedy bring them together again?
Note: I haven't actually seen the entirety of season 6. I bought seasons 1-5 dvds in April and have been catching reruns on the WB as they come. I have, however, succeeded in spoiling myself irrevocably with fanfic and some recaps from TWoP. That said, if I miss a few details, please forgive me, but this story simply popped into my head after reading quite a few post-season 6 finale fics. Also, I don't remember them saying on the show how Luke's parents died, so I'm taking some artistic license.
Rating: K? I'm terrible at ratings. Its pretty tame.
Lorelai dressed quickly, her movements mechanical and graceless. She felt numb. It was as though after all the months of feeling pushed away by Luke and his refusal to elope with her the night before, she could no longer feel. Except, that wasn't quite true. She knew how she felt when she arrived on Christopher's doorstep - upset and drained and just tired.
But now, sitting on his bed the morning after they had... well, the morning after - she felt nothing. It was as though the worries that had been pressing upon her for so long had been lifted. She no longer had to worry about her problems with Luke. That weight was gone because she knew that in less than an hour she would drive into town, park her car, walk into the diner, make him follow her upstairs to his apartment, and tell him what she had done. And, having done that, their relationship would end.
And it would be her fault. It was her fault.
Lorelai repeated the words in her mind like a mantra. My fault. My fault. She could almost hear Dr. Phil's accompanying southern drawl telling her to own her mistakes. She idly wondered if even he could help her fix this horrible situation.
"Hey Lore?" came a voice behind her, reminding her all over again of exactly what she had done. No, there would be no fixing this.
She stood up from the bed and turned to face him. He was standing in the bedroom door. "I have to go, Chris," she said, not quite meeting his eyes, hoping her declaration would prompt him to move out of her way.
"Do you have to?" he asked hopefully.
"Yes."
"But don't you want to at least talk about what we-"
"No," she stated with finality.
"But... last night, we-"
"I know what we did, Christopher," Lorelai interrupted sharply, not wanting to be reminded. This time she did meet his eyes. He was surprised by how vacant and lifeless they looked. Lorelai had always embodied the notion of life and energy in every aspect of her being. It bubbled forth from her like a never-ending stream. But the woman before him was not the Lorelai he knew, rather a shell of her former self. Christopher hated the man who had reduced her to such a state, not realizing that he shared in that blame.
"Lorelai..."
He took a step toward her, but she unconsciously flinched, and he could see her physically fighting not to back away from him.
"I have to go," she repeated. This time she worked up the nerve to walk towards the door (and him). But Christopher stood still, refusing to move. She stood just as stubbornly, refusing to ask. They stared at each other for a long moment, he in hope and she in resignation. They both knew the night before had been a mistake, but he had no wish to admit the truth and she could not bring herself to voice it.
"Fine," he said finally, moving aside to let her through the doorway. "I'll call you later," he added hopefully as she passed him.
"Don't," she said, pausing.
"I want to know how you're doing."
Lorelai let her head fall forward as she forced an ironic chuckle.
"You want to know how I'm doing?" she said quietly. She brought her empty gaze up to meet his again. "You want to know how I'm doing? Fine, I'll tell you. I just ruined the best thing I ever had by doing something so incredibly hurtful and... stupid. I cheated on the only man I've ever truly loved and in the process I've lost not only my fiance but my best friend. And its all my fault. I can't blame anyone, not even you. It was me and I screwed it up. So yeah, that's how I'm doing."
Christopher was speechless for a moment. "Lorelai..."
"Look Chris, this isn't your fault. Well, actually it is partially your fault, but its just as much, if not more, my fault. I came here. I sought you out. I knew what I was doing-"
"You're talking like this was all one big mistake!" he exclaimed.
"It was! It was a huge mistake. The worst mistake of my life," she finished quietly. Her words left Christopher stunned, the obvious hurt showing on his face.
"Lorelai, we belong together, you and me-"
"No, Christopher, we don't."
"You came here last night for a reason. There are a million other places you could have gone, but you came here."
"Yes, I came here. Because I was hurting and I needed someone to talk to," she confirmed. "But that doesn't mean anything."
"Of course it means something! It means that you needed someone and you came to me. You needed me. You trust me-"
"I needed Luke!" Lorelai exclaimed. Her declaration caused Christopher to fall silent. But when he opened his mouth to argue with her again, she continued forcefully, "I needed Luke. I love Luke. I always have and I always will. Nothing can change that."
She found herself unconsciously wiping away tears as they streamed down her cheeks. The warm wetness surprised her as she had felt certain she had no more tears left to cry after the night before.
"I love you, Lorelai," Christopher said simply, one final, desperate plea. She could tell by the set of his shoulders and the determined expression he wore that he was telling the truth. Or at least what he thought was the truth.
"I'm sorry, Chris, but I don't love you. I'm sorry." With that, she left his bedroom, found her purse in the living room, and walked out the front door.
As Lorelai arrived back in Star's Hollow, she realized she had absolutely no memory of the drive back from Boston. She could not even remember which route she had taken or how fast she had driven.
All she wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, and forget the night before had ever happened. She didn't have a huge fight with Luke ending with an ultimatum and her walking away. They didn't break up. She didn't run to Christopher and sleep with him. It was all just one terrible dream.
But the adult part of Lorelai knew she could not continue running from her problems. Running had taken her away from Luke, had taken her to Christopher. Running had made things so much worse. And besides, she owed it to Luke to tell him the truth about what she had done.
My fault.
Her hand trembled as she opened her car door to get out. Walking to the diner, she fought to keep her legs from shaking as she avoided the eyes of people she passed on the sidewalk. She was conscious of the fact that she still wore the same dress she had on the night before. Part of her wished she had gone home first to at least change, take a shower, get a cup of coffee. But she knew it would only be a stalling tactic; no matter what she did, she would still feel dirty - inside and out.
Lorelai could not bring herself to look in the window before entering the diner. Part of her wanted to hide from the gazes of those inside, some of whom had probably watched her fight with Luke the night before. Knowing the gossip mill in Stars Hollow, those who had not seen first-hand likely knew about it already. She wondered when Taylor would break out the ribbons again.
But as she walked into the diner, the first thing that occured to Lorelai was the absense of people. Even though it was time for Luke's usual early-morning rush, there was almost no one in the diner. Kirk and Lulu sat at a table in the corner and some tourist was reading a paper at the end of the counter. But no one else was eating, and even the few customers seemed to only be drinking coffee. Caesar stood behind the counter, his ever-present apron mistakably absent.
"Lorelai!" he greeted her in a mixture of surprise, warmth, and apprehension. He had obviously heard about the night before.
"Hey Caesar, is Luke around?" she asked, trying to keep her voice even and emotionless.
The look of pity he gave her was all the answer she needed, but he said, "No, he's not here. This morning when I came in he said the stove was broken and he was going to Woodbridge for parts to fix it. So I've just been serving coffee and whatever we have..." He pointed to the muffin and donut displays, which had been virtually picked clean. Lorelai could not help but wonder how many people in Star's Hollow besides herself relied on Luke for their daily meals.
"Oh. Okay."
"Can I get you some coffee?" he asked, and she cringed at the compassion in his voice.
"No thanks," she said quietly, slipping out of the diner and back to her car. The drive home was both anticlimatic and a relief - she still needed to confront Luke, but she had successfully avoided it for the time being.
Lorelai realized her respite was only temporary when she saw Luke's truck parked in her driveway. Steeling herself for the inevitable confrontation, she parked her car in the yard, careful not to block him in. She knew he would want to leave quickly after their conversation.
My fault.
And then Lorelai saw him, sitting on the front porch steps like he had so many times before. She could not help but remember all the moments they had sat on those very steps, side by side, talking about their problems. The day he gave her the huppah he had built for her when she planned to marry Max. The day he offered to loan her money to fix the foundation on the Crap Shack. The night he told her about marrying (and subsequently planning to divorce) Nicole. Lorelai winced at the thought of him married to that woman, eloping with a woman he did not even love when just the night before he had refused to do the same with her.
But that had been a different Luke than the one sitting in front of her now. The man before her barely resembled 'her Luke.' He stood up as she approached and she noted the fatigue in his eyes, the stress in his slumped shoulders, the worry in his face. She did not realize that his posture closely mirrored her own.
"I thought you were in Woodbridge," she found herself saying by way of greeting. How do you segue into telling someone you betrayed them?
"What?" Luke looked confused. He had expected another emotional outburst like the one from the night before. But he could see immediately that the woman before him was much calmer, if not more sad than he had last seen her. No, 'sad' did not describe the expression she wore. 'Devastated' seemed to sum it up best, from her tired, puffy eyes to her listless hair and pale complexion. She looked as though she had spent the night crying. Even her bodily movements echoed despair as she walked towards him in slow resignation, as though she were going to the funeral of a loved one. Or her own.
"Caesar... he said you went to get parts to fix the stove at the diner," Lorelai explained quietly.
"Oh, that. Yeah, I took care of it," he said. Luke did not have the energy to tell her he made up the lie to Caesar about the stove being broken rather than close up the diner for the day. After their confrontation the night before, he could not focus on a restaurant full of nosy customers, but at the same time did not want to leave Caesar to handle things by himself.
They stood in silence for a few seconds, neither really knowing what to say. So much had been said already. He had spent half the night trying to understand where her outburst had come from. He knew they were going through a bit of a rough patch with April having suddenly entered their lives, but he thought they were working through that. That was until Lorelai started avoiding him. Then she showed up at the diner, crazed and frantic, insisting they elope. He did not understand what was going on, only that she was upset and terribly unhappy. And it was his fault for not having seen it before.
As he had closed up the diner after she left, he found a book April had accidently left there earlier in the week. At the time, he had stuck it behind the counter to give to her the next time he saw her. It was then, preoccupied with the ultimatum Lorelai had given him, that he suddenly made the connection between the two. Lorelai and April. Two parts of his life that he had held separate and apart from one another. He had done it out of fear and selfishness - fear that he would fail as a father and Lorelai would witness it first-hand, and the selfish wish to bond with April before Lorelai could enchant the girl with her unique brand of charm. Luke began to understand Lorelai's anxiety about getting married. They had postponed the wedding, but there was no new date set. And he had been pulling away from her in his attempts to connect with April. All apart from her, the woman he loved more than anything.
Standing before her after a night of cold self-reflection, Luke knew what he wanted. He wanted to take her in his arms and offer her all the assurances that he should have given the night before. And yet, he hesitated, seeing the anxious look in her eyes, as though she may bolt at any moment. And it did not bode well that she was in the clothes she had worn the previous day and obviously had spent the night somewhere other than her house.
"Are you okay?" he found himself asking, jumping over all the other obvious questions to the one that mattered the most.
Lorelai gave an ironic snort as she looked away from him. Her eyes floated over the house, the yard, the garage, the huppah... She squeezed them shut as a fresh wave of emotional pain swept over her at the thought of their wedding. The wedding that was never going to happen now.
"Not really," she answered truthfully, looking at the ground.
Luke moved towards her then, obeying the instinct to reach out and touch her. He took small, careful steps, as though moving too fast might scare her away like a frightened animal. But he stopped within a few feet of her as she held up her hands to ward him off.
"No, don't," she whispered, holding him at bay with the pain in her voice. "You can't. Not until I tell you..."
"Lorelai-" he began, not knowing what she was planning to tell him and at the same time not really caring. Luke knew there was so much they needed to talk about, but he also knew that he just had to hold her. Everything would be all right if he could just connect with her again.
"I slept with Christopher."
There, she had said it. Lorelai took a small measure of pride in her ability to actually get the words out. Four simple words. One sentence. The sentence that would effectively end her relationship with Luke forever. There could be no going back now, no attempts to lie or hide what she had done. He knew now, and he would leave her. She had left him with no choice. She had run to Christopher, the one thing he could never forgive her for, and she had betrayed him, cheated on him. Now that he knew, all she had left to do was weather the tide of ranting and recriminations from Luke that she so justly deserved.
She waited for several seconds, her eyes still focused on the grass at his feet as she waited for him to respond. When he still said nothing, she glanced up, wondering if he had heard her.
By the expression on Luke's face, it was clear he had heard her. But like a man given the news that he only had a week to live, he stood frozen, not sure how to react. He did not look angry - yet - only shocked, dumbfounded, as though he knew what she had just told him contained monumental significance but he could not yet process its meaning. Lorelai could not bear to see him so confused, stuck half-way between surprise and heartbreak.
My fault. All my fault.
"I slept with Christopher," she repeated, hoping the words would make more sense a second time. "Last night," she added unnecessarily. Again, Luke did not reply, did not speak at all, but only stared at her with an unreadable expression. Unable to endure the heavy silence, Lorelai characteristically filled it with the rambling explanation that she knew was no explanation at all. "After I left last night I drove to Boston because I was upset and I needed to talk to someone. I don't know why I went there, really. It wasn't for that - I swear. I just needed someone to talk to and I knew Chris would be there. I didn't mean for anything to happen. It was a mistake. Such a mistake! I swear, Luke, it just happened. I know that doesn't excuse it, and I'm not asking for forgiveness, I just want you to understand..."
She was crying again, the tears catching in her throat, threatening to choke her with aching sobs. But she continued speaking, knowing this was her one shot to try to explain, to apologize, to just get it out. Luke stood in that same eerie silence listening to her but not reacting.
"I love you, Luke," Lorelai said desperately, wiping at the tears with the back of her hand. "You're the only one I've ever loved. I'm so sorry, Luke. I'm just so... sorry. I can't even tell you... I was just so upset and I didn't think you wanted to marry me, and I didn't know what to do! I didn't mean to run to Christopher. But I showed up there and it was like I wasn't me. I was pod-Lorelai who just wanted to forget all this ugliness ever happened, and I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry, Luke. You mean everything to me. I just... I love you, and I wanted to say... I'm so sorry."
Lorelai finished abruptly, sensing that if she continued speaking she would never be able to stop. And she knew Luke needed time to process, to understand what she had told him and to figure out how he felt. That was just the way he worked.
So she stood before him, trying desperately to stop the tears she could not hold back. And she waited for his reaction, expecting a typical Luke-style rant, or even a few well chosen remarks designed to strip away her soul. That was what she deserved, for him to lash out at her and show her how much she had hurt him. And yet, another part of Lorelai hoped beyond all reason or rationality that he would accept what she said as true, forgive her transgression, take her in his arms and make all the pain go away. It was a selfish desire, like wanting to win the lottery, but she could not help wishing for it.
In the end, Luke surprised her - he said nothing. He simply stared at her for several long moments, as though searching her eyes for some answer she did not have. And then, without another word, he walked past her to his truck and drove away.
As she watched him leave, Lorelai stopped fighting the tears and let them stream down her cheeks.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered to no one in particular.