::Edited on September 12, 2009 for Slightly Less Cringeability::

"Kyuuu"

Written on a Divinely Induced High by FreakofImagination

If I could draw something as awesome as Naruto, I'd have exploded from egotism. Having not exploded yet, I obviously cannot draw like Kishimoto, which means I do not own Naruto. Or anything else recognizable here.

…oh by the way. Mild yaoi warnings. Nothing graphic, otherwise I'd prolly suffocate myself from all the blood in my body risin' to me cheeks. Just so you can't whine at me later about how it came outta 'nowhere'.

Naruto was drunk. Completely intoxicated, thoroughly smashed, unreservedly pissed, utterly inebriated, and however the hell you want to say it, the boy was as far under the influence as you could get without passing out, which, believe me, took an ungodly amount of alcohol to do.

In fact, even Tsunade, in all her aged wisdom of years of drinking countless fools under the table, couldn't drink said ungodly amount without dropping instantaneously into a comatose-like state. It was a proven fact.

The last time it had happened, the Godaime Hokage had slept nineteen straight hours after passing out, thus missing three vitally important meetings, a shitload of paperwork, and random other Hokage duties crucial to Konoha's survival as a hidden ninja village.

But no big deal. After a panicked and furious Shizune had finally inserted, as a last, desperate measure, an IV of pure, untainted and unadulterated Red Bull into her superior's system, Tsunade grew wings and the paperwork/crucialhokageduties/whatever were done in one frenzied, ninja squirrel-on-drugs-like minute.

The only drawback was that several diplomats left Konoha with the distinct impression that the entire village of Leaf was on crack. Or some other illegal substance. Shizune didn't bother arguing. The theory was strangely plausible when one took a passing glance at a certain "Beautiful Green Beast" and his smaller, brainwashed clone.

Ah well. So! Where the hell was I…ah yes!

Naruto was despicably drunk, languidly lounging on a sofa, and suspiciously surrounded by waaaaaaaay too many empty or near empty sake bottles.

Alliteration's sexy. You want the alliteration. Oh yes you do, you horny beast…

….Ahem.

Legally drunk kyuubi-container. Right.

For some reason, the sofa Naruto was reclining upon was stuffed in the farthest back corner of Sakura's living room, tucked neatly inside a puny little alcove, thus making it entirely impossible for anyone to find him.

But somehow, by some godforsaken means (also known as true love), Sasuke found Naruto lying on his hot drunken ass on a sofa in an alcove in Sakura's living room in her house at her congratulatory jounin-acceptance party in the hidden ninja village of Konoha in the Fire country. Damn, but that was a mouthful.

Now Sasuke was quite surprised when he found the apple of his sexy sharingan eye in such a state. He was even more surprised when said apple cried out his name in delight and tackled without warning. But the ultimate surprise, Naruto slipping his hands under Sasuke's shirt to anchor himself to the boy and affectionately rubbing his whiskered cheek against Sasuke's normally bone-pale cheek (on the face people, on the face), was such a surprise that he abruptly froze and turned a bright, Super-Curry-of-Life-like red.

That can't be healthy.

Which was exactly the one drunken little thought that meandered aimlessly across his drunken little mind.

"Shasuke," Naruto slurred adorably, "Are youz shick?" The blonde one's concern was briefly punctuated by a loud, fairly obnoxious hiccup. He snickered at himself for making such a weird noise. "Yer reeaaaaallly red Shasuke!"

As his hands were occupied with the occupation of occupying the area of Sasuke's waist/chest, Naruto used the next best thing to feel the temperature on the other's forehead. His nose.

The lone survivor of the Uchiha massacre, feeling his rival/best friend/ inhabitant of his heart and countless wet dreams nuzzle his forehead, calloused hands sliding around on his bare skin, did what any self-respecting shinobi man would do when touched in such a way by an inebriated object of lust and love: swiftly reversed their positions (Naruto had been lying atop Sasuke, if you hadn't figured that out by now) and, with a flurry of mad ninja skillz, tied Naruto up.

Naruto, being as think as you drunk he is, could do nothing but be appealingly confused.

I warn you, what comes next involves mentionings of manly lurve and other unpleasant things…if you hadn't realized that by now with all of my oh so very clever, sneaky hints. Abandon thy innocent minds, those who doth enter here!

…Abandoned yer innocent mind yet? All right then, onward to the manly lurve!

"Shasuke?" He hiccupped, wriggling to and fro like an enormous, rope-covered, black-and-orange-and-gold little fishie. A poor little fishie that was being eyed by a very large blue-and-black-and-red cat with eyes fairly burning in a hungry desire.

Now this wasn't just any hungry desire. This was a decidedly male hungry desire. And not just the usual male hungry desire of the stomach whining for food. Oh no, not at all. This was the male hungry desire of the stomach and lower unmentionables crying out for RELEASE! …But release of what?

….Good god, I just made myself snort and blush simultaneously. There's something that doesn't happen every day.

'Kay, since normally such an event spectacularly outta character for the uuuuuuusually cold, stoic, emotionless, unattached, too-cool-for-school Sasuke, we shall HENCEFORTH take a moment to delve into the squishiness of his BRAIN to figure out exactly WHAT, besides me, is making our darling iceberg act so HOT and STEAMY….pardon me while I snigger at the word 'steamy'. Heheh. Heh. Hehhheheh.

Sasuke's Brain: …

Hmm….nothing…seems remarkably IN character…well that's odd. We shall take a moment more.

Sasuke Brain: ………Naruto…drunk? Must….must……...molest…….to the point of law-breaking awesomenes…

Well, that was oddly specific! However, everything all makes sense now! Our much loved wittle Cockatoo-headed ninja wants to do unspeakable things to his blonde-haired teammate we all know and coo over…Ye gods! That means Sasuke's hormones have finally kicked in after years of dormancy! Oh dearie noes!

Our innocent, naïve, chaste Naruto-chan, having somehow retained his virtue throughout years under the tutelage of the infamous super, normal, and closet perverts Jiraiya, Kakashi, Ebisu….and others I prolly don't know about…is finally going to be tainted!

…About damn time, I say.

"Yes, Naruto?" Sasuke-kitty purred as he leant down so perilously close to our favorite fishie…em…fox…that the foxy boy could nigh on taste the hot, musky, salty air that was breathed out. In his muddled confusion, only one thought ventured across the vast unknown of the swirly fishcake's mind.

"Shasuke shmells like ramen?"

Sasuke blinked. Then abruptly wiped the stunned expression off his face because the LAST UCHIHA was WAY too awesome to be stunned. Oh yeah. Nothing stunned this badass. Except his love proclaiming he smelled like a noodle soup. Because except for Naruto, and occasionally Iruka and Chouji, nobody smelled like ramen. The outrage! The utter scandal! The shock! The horror! What sort of alternate universe had they stumbled into??

"Shasuke feelsh like ramen…"

Naruto, of course, was referring to the uncanny resemblance between hovering above a humid, steaming bowl of noodoos and Sasuke's humid, steaming breath hovering above him, but the thought process of a blonde is not so easily followed (yes, by saying this I am indeed insulting myself)!

And so, the imagination of the self-proclaimed seme produced a rather objectionable mental image of a clump of slimy noodles with a pair of sharingan and the Uchiha stuck on the back and front, respectively. The image proved to be an EXCELLENT ego-killer, and without his famed cockiness (cough), Sasuke's hotness went down three points. Aww.

MEANWHILE, on the other side of the conversation, our dear little Naru-chan had reached a startling, amazing, magnificent, wonderful conclusion.

"SHASUKE ISH RAMEN!"

And with a jubilant shriek and a marvelously tasty display of flexing and upper body strength, Naruto was FREE from his bonds of love, promptly pouncing on the source of his belovedly luscious, scrumptious ramen, intent on devouring.

What Foxy Boy actually ending up doing, in his smitten, muddled state, was once again pin Sasuke to the ground and plunge his tongue as far down the wannabe rapist's throat as was humanly possible.

Not counting Orochimaru of course. He's not a human. He's a villain, and we all know that villains aren't people, because they…are EVIL!

Besides…what Orochimaru can do with his tongue is much better left between him, Kabuto, and rabid yaoi fangirls (such as myself). And not necessarily in that order.

Naruto was very sadly disappointed when he discovered the source of the ramen-esque essence he had discovered, was not, in fact, ramen. But instead, a quite wet, strangely nice tasting Sasuke mouth. Scrumdiddlyumptious.

Naruto looked down at the surprisingly pleasant flavored boy beneath him thoughtfully, or as thoughtfully as he could manage in such a state.

Sasuke gazed upwards at the unpredictably domineering boy above him contemplatively…as contemplatively as he could achieve in such a snogged-senseless condition.

Yay thesauri! And yay, British slang I definitely have no right to be using!

Carrying on…with Sasuke-kun's thoughts…

Although Uchiha males traditionally were always! On! Top!...regardless of the gender they were choosing to share fluids with (don't ask exactly how or why he knew that), perhaps he could bypass tradition. After all…his name did have 'uke' within it and being the vessel of an incredibly powerful demon was bound to have some…advantages that would be well worth relinquishing custom. He had the uncanny feeling somewhere deep inside him (located somewhere around the area of where his Royal Uchiha appendix had once lain) that his blessed ancestors agreed to the Nth degree.

Naruto's thoughts…were, by this point, buzzing and zooming and whip lashing around so fast, it would be utterly pointless and a great mental strain to even attempt to explain them in a manner that would make sense to all you non-drunken blondes out there.

So instead of trying to explain himself to the audience of few or many watching, he did what he did best, and took action.

Action being leaning down and resuming his previous activities.

Previous activities being devouring Sasuke.

Devouring Sasuke being…ferociously tearing open the elder's mouth with his own and plowing it as thoroughly and methodically as a wizened old farmer would his field of corn.

Odd as this description sounds, Sasuke loved it, and happily joined his old buddy in the cultivating of the field.

…All right; enough with the farm metaphors…similes…whatever they are. How the hell should I know anything about corn? I'm from Florida!

Dot and Dot and Dot

Right, exactly, SMACK DAB on a moment later, Shikamaru somehow happened to pass by the puny little alcove where the two were engaged in their heated battle of "I CAN HAS SHASUKE RAMEN"/"MineMineMineNarutoIsFinallyMine" amongst piles of sake bottles and bits of shredded rope. Well, speaking objectively of course. And that is what we all aim for! Objective, unbiased tale-telling of the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!...Okay yeah, you can spot the BS in that statement from a mile off. I'll quit while I'm ahead, shall I? So it wasn't as much of a battle, per say, more like a contest of who was in a greater state of bliss, but meh, same difference.

Shikamaru glowered. "About time," The shadow user muttered, then abruptly grinned smugly. He had several bets to collect. Severa substantial bets.

He turned on his heel and slouched off happily to find the unlucky losers. And there were many. After all, hardly anyone could guess the Last Uchiha with an entire Clan to resurrect would prefer the gender without a natural uterus. And no one but a genius (i.e. himself, Kakashi, strangely enough, Neji and even strangelyer, Gaara) would have known the person the boy would have selected among his own sex would be been Naruto.

It helped he had been sent on a mission with Sasuke and seen a rather – hmm, how to put it without tripping the ever-so sensitive wire separating the T from the NC-17…hold on, this is Shikamaru! Duh! – troublesome sort of dream play out, unbeknownst to Sasuke, when it had been his watch. How the other had reacted, only slightly embarrassed, when he awoke was obviously pointing out that such a dream was a normal occurrence.

Genius really came in handy in awkward situations.

Handy meaning he would now be several thousand ryou richer because he had seen the possibilities of betting such knowledge instead of remaining his usual, lazy self. Pity Shizune had forcibly threatened Tsunade with a veritable mountain of paperwork out of betting though, otherwise he'd have made three times as much.

Ahh, having to use his Powers for the sake of Good was so troublesome…

Later on…when much time had elapsed...as in, it was the next morning when….

Sakura woke up to many very abnormal happenings.

One, she was suffering an excrutiatingly blinding hangover, which she straightaway fixed with her small supply of Tsunade's Miracle Hangover Cure™ (now available to the general public, so that you, yes YOU – the average, unimportant, not-cool-enough-to-be-an-actual-character citizen could drink like a dehydrated primp and STILL keep up with all your lovely ladies!). Upon doing so, she discovered the second very abnormal happening that happened to be in her bathroom.

There were two quite naked, quite wet teammates of hers sleeping in her quarter-filled bathtub. Inwardly, the blossom-headed girl growled out viciously horrid language that her mother would have washed her mouth out for if she were within hearing distance. There went three hundred ryou down the drain that led to that lazy bastard Shikamaru's pocket. Then, she smiled goofily.

The pair looked appallingly cute together.

Suddenly, with a BOLT of manmade lightning, a light bulb winked on over her head.

While Naruto didn't really mind being thought of as 'cute', 'adorable', or even downright 'cuddly'…Sasuke, on the other hand, flinched whenever the word was even mentioned around him. Sakura giggled. And not in the nice, goody-goody, I'm-A-Little-Angel kind of way.

Despite her mentor's legendary bad luck, Sakura had luckily inherited not a smidge. Which meant that she could blackmail her once-upon-a-time-lurve and all that would come of it would be good fortune to her wallet, and a lovely addition to her "Team 7 Scrapbook".

Snapping a picture with a portable camera that was conveniently kept in her bathroom cabinet…for whatever reason I shall not bother to explain…she left the small tiled room, whereupon she came across the third of the very abnormal happenings.

The rest of her house was completely awash with ninja. Precisely…passed out ninja, ninja with half or more of their clothes missing, ninja hanging from precarious and potentially deadly places, ninja that were cradling several of her household appliances in their arms, ninja that were snoozing away on a pile of sharp pointy objects, ninja entangled in various scandalous positions with other ninja, and ninja that had extraordinarily managed to do all of the above. Namely Kakashi and Iruka for the last one. Though even without his vest, shirt, shoes, socks, hitai ate, or gloves, Kakashi still retained his mask. Damnit.

Recovering from her initial gape of astonishment and internal snarl that nobody was leaving without cleaning up, she snapped pictures of each and every one of the ninja. A cackle left the ordinarily peaceful medic nin.

Oh yes. Blackmailpaid. And it paid well. Depending on how badly a certain Hyuuga "I'm a bishie and I have the angst to prove it" Neji wished the numerous snapshots of him, wearing a dangerously low riding pair of pants, cuddling with a similarly clothed Kazekage, and covered in suspicious red bite marks atop her kitchen table, to remain out of the public's eye, it could pay very, very well indeed. Assuming he didn't sic Gaara on her. Sakura made a mental note to refortify her defenses with extra teddy bears. Gaara seemed oddly reluctant to wreak murderous havoc on them.

Nearly skipping out of the kitchen in jubilation, Sakura hummed. Twas an awfully happy hum, filled with many meaningless mumbles relating to "cash", and adding to "scrapbooks", whatever that meant. But while she was merrily a' prancing, she somehow came upon a ghastly thought.

Alcohol. In the same vicinityas Rock Lee.

With a sudden whimper of terror for whatever room the taijutsu specialist had been in, she scurried off in a mouse-like dash of fear…and 3.141592 seconds later, arrived back at the same spot, puzzled, perplexed, utterly bewildered, and holding a set of fairly familiar beige weights.

Her beloved, spandex-wearing, more-than-just-a-friend friend was without his training weights, and nowhere to be found…at least not in her house.

Sakura breathed a sigh of relief

HER DWELLING WAS SAVED FROM THE NATURAL DISASTER KNOWN AS "INEBRIATED LEE"! And some other poor sap had to deal with the mental agony, throbbing bruises, and insanely high construction costs! HaHAH! Take that, Karma!

(Four fateful hours later, the Fuzzy Eye-Browed boy was unearthed from a pile of KO'd nasty humongous spiders in the Forbidden Forest by a rather confused and teary-eyed half-giant.)

THE ENDE

Authoress's Note

…cough…..To anyone who read this and went somewhere along the lines of, "…What the fuck?"……yeah. I'm right there with ya.

This originally started out as a semi-serious drabble. Then I got bored and abandoned it for an hour or two for a non-sugary/non-caffeinated/non-alchoholic/non-drugged up dinner. I came back and sat down, saw this on the screen…and ka-BLAM! Instantly, I was hyperactive, giggling. And this be the result spewn forth by my crazed fingers.

The only problem was when I lost the frenzied insanity, I also lost whatever fuel that had been keeping this fic going. THIS made it extremely hard to write consistently. BUT! When I discovered the number of personages hitting my fic (I love the abuse, hinthint), the frenzied insanity returned, and KYUUU LIVED ONCE MORE!

As towards the title of the fic…? It was the name of the document. No idea why I named the document "kyuuu", but I believe it had something to do with the idea that Naruto was purring while he was drunk. Yes, the purr would sound like some horribly squishy and sickeningly cute pokémon.

…Y'know I'm finding myself craving OrochimaruKabuto lemons now….anybody else besides my shoulder angel think that's sick and wrong? 'Cause the shoulder devil's making an awwwwwfully convincing argument right now…

Please R'n'R, I will be extremely and pathetically happy if you do! …and I hope people like my baby…sniff…I love it most of all out of my children…