Evaluations
"Welcome, welcome!" said Ryuuzaki as all the teams gathered at the tennis courts. "We're so glad that all of you were on time! We apologize for the conflicting information, but we almost completely forgot to announce to you who the winners were!"
"The winners of what?" said –INSERT YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER'S NAME HERE—.
"The entire competition of course!" said Sakaki. "This WAS a competition after all."
"You mean the whole family thing was a competition?" said Gakuto.
"Yes." Said Banji. "Whichever family did the best job at being a family wins. And the people in that family won't have to come to tennis practice for a week and will not be penalized for it!"
Everyone gasped.
"So now we will review our notes." Said Ojii, picking up his clipboard. "I was assigned Team One and Team Two."
He cleared his throat.
"Will Team One please step forward?" Ojii requested.
They did and waited for the worst.
"This team was, for the most part, in cooperation with each other." Ojii said. "But when I say cooperation, I'm not sure the cooperation was entirely voluntary. Fuji was able to dictate every single thing that happened in the family because of the fact that the rest of the family was afraid of him and because he kept winning the competitions."
"Is that why you were all so cooperative?" Fuji said. "Because you were frightened of me?"
His team only stared at him with expressions that said "DUH!"
"This team also only completed one of the five tasks that were assigned to the family members on the Second Day. Now, in addition to that, this team committed three notably violent acts." Ojii went on. "The first one was an act against Fuji by Kirihara in which he hurled a chair at him. But there were no injuries."
"Yeah, except me." Said Mizuki bitterly.
"Another one was against Mizuki by Fuji, in which he slapped him for speaking out of turn." Ojii went on.
Fuji chuckled in fond remembrance of that moment. Mizuki only glared.
"And the last was an act against Fuji in which the entire team drugged his orange juice." Ojii finished.
The team gaped at Ojii for revealing that.
"So THAT'S what happened." Said Fuji, looking entirely OKAY with that.
"Judgment of the teams is reserved for the end after all the teams have been evaluated." Said Ojii. "I would now like to see Team Two."
Team Two stepped forth.
"This team was shaky at first, but in the end, they seemed to become the best of friends." Ojii evaluated. "Everyone on the team completed the tasks given to them on the Second Day. However, there are a few things worth noting."
"Oh no." said Momo, slapping his forehead.
"On the morning of the Fourth Day, Momo decided to perform what he referred to as an 'Intervention'." Ojii said. "The first thing he did was ambush Gakuto while he was sleeping and tied him to a chair. When Eiji and Marui walked in on this occurring, he proceeded to ambush the two of them and tie them to chairs as well."
"How embarrassing for us!" said Eiji, covering his face.
"No, this is embarrassing for ME!" said Momo angrily.
"AND THEN," Ojii said. "He used chloroform to subdue Ootori and then left the four of them tied up for the remainder of the day until the competition."
"Hey, what about me?" said Shishido from the chair that had been provided for him in his sickly state. "I suffered too!"
"Yes, but you weren't part of his family so we don't take that into account." Ojii said.
"Lame!" said Shishido.
"Anyway," said Ojii. "After their falling out, this team appeared to, as a previously stated, become the best of friends. HOWEVER, Ootori left the house last night and did not return."
"We were afraid you were kidnapped and raped." Said Gakuto to Choutarou.
"Haha…nope!" said Choutarou with horseshoe eyes.
"So this team is automatically disqualified." Ojii finished.
"AW MAN!" cried the team sadly.
Choutarou immediately lost his horseshoe eyes.
"So…it's all…MY FAULT?" he said, his eyes now filling with tears.
The coaches all stared at him as he started sniffling and attempting to wipe away and hide his tears. The other coaches nudged Ojii.
"I mean…no!" said Ojii. "You're not disqualified! I was just kidding!"
"Why is everyone always making such hurtful jokes?" Choutarou stuttered between sobs.
"Wait, so they're not disqualified because Ootori started crying?" said Oshitari with a raised eyebrow.
"YES!" said the coaches.
"It's my turn now." Said Banji. "I was assigned Team Three and Four. Team Three? Please step forward."
They did. Woot.
"This team was essentially in harmony throughout most of the time they stayed in the home." Said Banji. "It was not cooperative, but they abided by the rules set up by the Dad, who was consistently Tezuka, and had no violent acts committed on each other! They also completed all the tasks given to them on the Second Day!"
"YAY!" cheered the team.
"EXCEPT," Banji went on, and the team's faces fell. "One time in which Tezuka aggravated his injury playing Old Maid, they fed him Nyquil."
"It was an accident!" argued Aoi.
"And we already apologized for that!" said Tachibana.
"And what about all the times they slapped me?" David whined. They all slapped him for pointing that out.
"Next!" said Banji. "Team Four! I am pleased to report that this team had NO intention violent acts against each other."
Team Four threw a little mini party before they realized that Banji was clearing his throat.
"However," he said. "Not only did this team not complete ANY of the tasks given to them on the Second Day, this team also violated the biggest and most important rule of all."
Everyone wondered what that rule was.
"THEY PLAYED TENNIS." Banji said.
The entire world gasped. Yes. Everyone. Even you. You just don't know it.
"Tennis?" said Saeki with a laugh. "That was HARDLY tennis at all!"
"You called it tennis, didn't you?" said Banji.
"Err…yeah…" said Saeki slowly.
"So Team Four is officially disqualified as well!" said Banji.
Team Four looked sad, and then Saeki quickly turned to Ryoma. "Hurry!" he said. "Start crying!"
"Why?" said Ryoma.
"So we won't be disqualified!" said Saeki.
"It worked for Team Two!" agreed Sakurai.
"No way." Said Ryoma. "And why does it have to be me?"
"CONTINUING!" said Sakaki. "I was in charge of evaluating Team Five and Team Six. I will start with Team Five and just pretty much tell you straight up and your team was disqualified from the very First Day."
"WHY?" they all demanded angrily.
"Because when a member of the family sleeps outside the house or the doghouse, that means you are obviously not a good family." Said Sakaki. "And Kamio slept in the front yard the first night."
"Why didn't you sleep in the doghouse?" demanded Sengoku as he grabbed Kamio by the collar and slapped him around. "I did when it was MY turn!"
"I refused to sleep in there on principle!" Kamio said, wrenching himself away from Sengoku.
"And then you were disqualified again when Oishi didn't sleep in the doghouse." Said Sakaki.
"OISHI'S FAULT!" Sengoku said, turning around to slap Oishi around but Oishi ducked behind Itsuki.
"In addition to that," Sakaki went on. "This whole business with Shishido would have gotten you disqualified anyway. After lying to us and saying that he was sick during the Dancing Competition when he was actually locked in the bathroom started it all off. And then you failed to treat him properly while he was sick and THEN you forced him to come to a tennis match and continued to lie to us when he obviously should have been resting!"
"You guys did all that lame stuff?" said Shishido, looking ultimately disappointed.
"I'm so ashamed…" said Oishi, bowing his head.
"So this is all…" Sengoku started as he turned around. "SHISHIDO'S FAULT!" Then he grabbed Shishido's collar and was just about to slap HIM around when the entire family dove on top of him to hold him back.
"So, even though most of you completed the tasks on the Second Day, Team Five is disqualified." Said Sakaki. "And now I would like to see Team Six."
"I hope we do better than them." Said Ryou.
"We probably committed too many violent acts against each other." Atsushi whispered.
"Well, despite the fact that this team committed so many violent acts against each other and destroyed both the television and the kitchen table, they didn't have any MAJOR offenses." Said Sakaki, double checking his notes.
"WHAT?" said Kaidou angrily. "No major offenses? Have you looked at our team? All of us have black eyes!"
"My glasses are broken." Oshitari added.
"I have a headache like you wouldn't believe." Said Akutsu with a frown, not exactly sure why he had said headache.
"I got punched more than everyone put together!" said Atsushi.
"Everyone made fun of my hair and said I looked like a girl!" Ryou finished, and Atsushi dope slapped him for that.
"Um…do you WANT to be disqualified?" said Sakaki.
"I think we deserve to be disqualified more than Team Four and Five." Said Kaidou.
The coaches looked at each other skeptically.
"Okay then…" said Sakaki. "Team Six is disqualified too."
"As it should be." Team Six said, crossing their arms and nodding.
"My turn!" said Ryuuzaki. "Obviously I am evaluating Team Seven and Team Eight, starting of course with Team Seven."
Team Seven stepped forth.
"Tem seven managed to complete all the tasks given to them on the Second Day." Ryuuzaki started. "They lived in harmony and had no violent acts against each other whatsoever! Isn't that grand?"
Everyone waited for something else to happen.
"Now for Team Eight…" Ryuuzaki started.
"Wait!" said Jirou. "That's it? Our turn's over?"
"Well, your team was very well behaved." Ryuuzaki said.
"Or BORING!" said Jirou.
"Aside from the murder of a single mosquito, not a single controversial thing happened in the house." Said Ryuuzaki, flipping through all the notes on the team.
"Wait a second." Said Shishido, raising his hand. "I have a question."
"We finished talking about your team a long time ago." Said Banji.
"Yeah." Said Shishido. "About that. If you guys knew I was locked in the bathroom and not actually sick like my team told you, how come you didn't come to the house and stop me from becoming actually sick?"
The coaches stared at Shishido silently.
"Team Eight now!" said Ryuuzaki. "You're up!"
"Okay!" said Team Eight eagerly.
"This team had no acts of violence committed against each other." Ryuuzaki said. "Though, they did not complete all their tasks given to them on the Second Day, unfortunately. But that is not the deciding factor. I must report that this team did NOT get along well at all!"
"IT'S ATOBE'S FAULT." Said the four on that team that aren't Atobe.
"This team also failed to sleep in the correct beds." Said Ryuuzaki. "And even though most families didn't ever sleep in the correct beds, we just thought it was worth noting."
"Why, to humiliate us?" demanded Yuuta.
"Um…yeah, pretty much." Ryuuzaki nodded.
"It's all right, Yuuta." Said Fuji, coming out of nowhere and starting to massage Yuuta's shoulders.
"Argh!" said Yuuta, diving away. "Do you have to be so damn creepy all the time?"
"Yuuta…that hurts my feelings…it really does…" said Fuji, turning away and looking despaired.
Yuuta shivered slightly and tried to set his life back on track.
"Anyway," said Ryuuzaki. "That means that Teams Four, Five and Six are all disqualified from the chance to win."
"But Team Two should be disqualified!" said Saeki.
"SHH!" said everyone threateningly to Saeki.
"All right," said Banji. "The winners are in the envelope! Shall I open it?"
"YES!" said the only teams that cared.
Banji slowly opened up the envelope and even slowly opened the paper.
"The winners are…" Banji said as the screen split into five parts, showing each team looking hopeful as a drum rolled. "Team…"
Even more pausing.
"NINE!" Banji exclaimed.
"YAAA—" started all the teams but then they stopped and looked around. "TEAM NINE?"
Sakaki pushed all the teams aside to reveal The Jimmies running forth looking thrilled.
"We won!" cheered the first Jimmie.
"Oh hurray!" cheered the other.
"TEAM NINE?" demanded all the other teams.
"They had by far the best teamwork and completed all their tasks." Ojii said.
"We forgot about them!" said Momo. "Where have they been this whole time?"
"Oh." Said Ryuuzaki. "Well, we exempted them from the challenges because there were only two of them and that would have been pointless and unfair for them to compete against you guys who had FIVE people."
"We're so proud of ourselves!" said the Jimmies together as if they had rehearsed.
"Oh gee…" said Teams One through Eight.
"You're all permitted to go home now." Said Ojii. "And we're glad you had this exposure to a non tennis activity for once in your lives."
"Don't ever do it again, though." Said Tezuka.
And what Tezuka says goes. Maybe.
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Total chapters: 57
Total pages: 277
Total words: 123,669
Total times "tennis" was mentioned: 302
Total chairs destroyed: 9
Total high fives: 5
Total extended high fives: 1
Total hugs: 4
Total dance parties: 3
Total public service announcements: 2
Total times someone started crying: 24
Total times people were slapped: 14
Total predictions by Renji and Inui: 26
Total inspirational speeches by Eiji: 4
Total meals prepared by Choutarou: 17
Total times Tezuka said "Don't let your guard down.": 4
Total times Tezuka injured himself: 3
Total times Fuji's eyes opened: 12
Total times Taka went Burning!Mode: 1
Total times Tachibana caused Fudomine to faint: 2
Total times Shishido said "Lame": 10
Total times Aoi needed/applied Arrid: 8
Total times Hiyoshi needed to be "strong": 4
Total times Jirou said "oh my god!": 4
Total times Ryoma was referred to as the Prince of Tennis: 3
Total times Kamio was in the rhythm: 6
Total times David made a pun: 11
Total times Team One specualed Fuji killed someone: 7
Total times Yukimura was hospitalized/passed out: 9
Total times Sengoku said some form of "Lucky!": 4
Total times Atobe put his hand in front of his face: 6
Total times sex occurred behind the scenes: 1