I was the worst person I think ever existed in human history. Yes, worse than that jackass on the road that cut you off, more rude than that bastard who stood in front of you in line to the movies—you know that one that, 'accidentally' spit on your brand new shoes—and even more of a jerk than that guy that tried to hit on the girl next to you in the beauty salon, knowing good and well that the girl was your daughter.
Yes, I am worse than all of those people. They did little things, to people that they probably never saw before in their lives, and people the probably, by all odds, will never see again. In a few months, you will have forgotten all about all of those people. Me, I did something far worse—
I hurt someone that I was close to. Someone that I loved. I deliberately hurt hem, and there isn't or ever will be an excuse for what I did. Every time I look into his eyes, I will always see it; that small spark of pain I caused him in a dark corner of his soul, the piece of heart that I broke that will never be replaced.
It all started that fateful day, when Taichi called me, his voice hesitant over the phone, telling me that he needed to talk to me. I thought, Maybe he's having girl problems or something, or on homework, something along the lines of the usual, the normal.
Only if it hadn't turned out the complete opposite.
I met him in the park, like he asked, and he was so jittery…I though something had happened to him. I asked him if he was alright, offered to walk around the park to help him clear his mind. He accepted the offer, and we walked around for about ten minutes before he said anything.
And then, he confessed his love for me. Right there, in the middle of the park. He said, "Yamato…I love you."
I stopped walking after that. I couldn't seem to control my legs at that point. I mean, he said he loved me. And I could tell that he meant it—you know—that way.
It wasn't that I wasn't used to the idea, either' everyone had been surprised when Ken and Daisuke came out.
I keep telling myself, to this day, that I just wasn't emotionally ready for that kind of declaration; I had just gotten dumped by Sora, so that was still on my mind…
But, honestly, tell me what you would have done if your best friend suddenly said that they were in love with you?
More than anything, though, I was scared, because that statement, as small as it was, made me question every aspect of our friendship. Every private moment we had, every intimate discussion, did it mean anything to him? Or was I like a china doll to him—pretty to look at, and nothing else?
To be honest, Tai was the only constant thing in my life at the moment. Through everything—the digital world the Sora thing, not to mention just everyday hanging out—Tai had been there for me. And at that moment, when he uttered those words, my reality shattered, and I couldn't help but assume I'd lost my best friend.
But my surprised was no excuse for what I did.
I pushed him away—both literally and figuratively. Our eyes met, and it was for the first time that I saw that pain, the pain that I would see in his eyes for the rest of my life.
And at that moment, I couldn't have cared less about that pain. I saw it, but as too appalled and taken aback by his words to even respond.
"Yamato…" Tai whispered, and he broke that gaze, looking at the ground.
And then suddenly, I was mad, and I was yelling at him, "Why are you telling me this now? Of all the times you could've said you were a goddamn fruitcake, you choose now?" he cringed, and now as I think back at it, I remember hearing a sound.
It was probably his heart breaking.
"Yamato…" he whispered again, then turned from me and ran.
And I watched him, I watched the tears in his eyes as he turned from me. And I didn't say a damn thing. Not one thing, because I didn't care.
But I ended up caring. Hell, look at me, I'm still lying—
I ended up falling in love.
No, I'm not gonna lie and lead you on until the end, when it will obviously turn out that way. I won't sugarcoat it, make it more than it was supposed to be.
After the incident at the park, I didn't see Taichi for a while. I knew he was avoiding me, and I avoided both him and the others for a while, too. I already knew it would be too awkward between us for the others to have fun, and Tai would just end up avoiding them because I was there. So I thought, Hey, let them have him. They can keep him, because I don't want him.
I was such a jackass.
So instead of hanging around with the others. I worked on my music, practiced a couple of tracks and the like.
And slowly, I—of course—began to get lonely. I knew that that would happen. Of course it would. I was alone. By then it had been maybe three weeks since I'd seen or talked to Taichi, since I'd hung out with my friends.
Honestly, I'm surprised that I lasted that long.
So I went to my friends again, and decided that I no longer cared about how it made Tai feel. And it turned out it probably would've been better if I hadn't come back. As I'd thought at first, it was awkward between me and Tai—and Sora too, for obvious reasons—and Daisuke and Ken kept glaring at me, I guessed that Tai had told them what had happened. We still did the usual, went to a pizza joint, talked about the things that we'd done all week (or in my case, three weeks). Basically, we did nothing. Went back to the soccer field at school to play a little. As usual, Tai and Daisuke, along with Ken, were the ones on top. Takeru wasn't so bad, and I don't think I was either. Sora, of course, was so aggressive that Koushiro and Jyou wouldn't even play, and Mimi was worried about messing up her hair, so she didn't play either. Kari cheered us on from the sidelines, and so did Miyako and Iori. It was the most fun I'd had in a while. Although Sora almost knocked my head off with the ball.
Don't worry, I found out why. She asked me, after the game, if I would drive her home, and I agreed—albeit reluctantly. She didn't live that far from me As soon as we drove off, she started yelling.
"What the hell is wrong with you! You leave us for almost a month, and come back like nothing happened? What's going on with you?"
I paused. "Nothing," I said. "I just, need a break from it all."
"From all what?" Then she looked down. "It's not because of what…happened between us, is it?"
I stopped at the light ahead, and made a left. Sora, Taichi, Takeru and myself still lived the same apartment complex—well, when I wasn't at the studio, I did—and I wondered for moment why Takeru didn't say something about my dropping them off.
"No," I said, and smiled at her. "We're still friends, remember?" On the inside, I was wishing we were still together, so I could talk to her about Tai. But, we weren't, and w would never have the same relationship again. "I just need the alone time…took a while, but I finally got lonely."
"Then what's wrong? Tai won't tell me—"
I clenched my fist around the steering wheel, made a right, and parked in front of the building.
"Nothing," I said, "nothing's wrong. Stop fussing over me! Stop acting like you care for me more than you do, dammit!"
"I do care!"
"yeah, but not that much!"
"How dare you! You don't have the right to tell me how I feel!"
"You don't even know what happened!"
"I would if you would tell me!"
And I won't lie; eventually, I did. I didn't really have a choice after she wouldn't let me out of the car. And you know what? She wasn't surprised, or offered any advice—
She hit me. It was exactly what I needed. You know, she always was good for that; the things that you need the most.
"You idiot! Everyone but you knew he was in love with you," she said, and hit me again. "Why do you think I broke up with him? He never was happy unless you were around…"
My mouth gaped open.
She nudged my shoulder. "Aww, come on, Yamato; you love him, too."
"I don't, goddammit! I don't 'do' guys," I said clearly. Why wouldn't anyone listen to me?
Oh, yeah; because I was wrong.
"Stop lying to yourself," Sora said. "You've been friends since forever, right?"
"yeah, friends. That's all—"
"What about all the things you've been through? You've never thought once that Tai was cute, or that he had a nice voice, or—"
"Are youtrying to make me gay?"
"…maybe. If it'll help Tai, sure."
"Oh, so now you're on Tai's side! Why do I get treated so badly?"
"You? I'm the one who's dated two gay guys in a row!"
"I'm not gay, for the last goddamn time!"
"How can you not be? You're in love with Tai."
"I am not."
"You are," she said roughly, and cracked her knuckles. "Look, just because you're afraid to admit it, doesn't make it any less true. If I have to beat it into you, I will."
"Look, Sora—"
"No, you look. I didn't find two perfectly gay men just so you can play hide and go seek out of the closet. Now, since we all live in the same building, you are going to go up there, ring Tai's doorbell, look him in the face, and tell him you love him."
"No," I said. "Are you crazy? I don't love Tai!"
Sora was red with anger, and I really mean that literally.
"You selfish bastard! You hurt Tai more than anyone else ever could, and you don't even care! He's your best friend!"
"He was."
"He is! You have to pull your head out of your ass. You can't tell me you're not attracted to him at all!"
"It think his hair is cool, how it sticks up and all, but that's about it. Look, you feisty girl you, I don't love Tai."
"You do. You just haven't seen it yet. If you won't face it now, at least tell him you're sorry. You did make him cry." She paused. "I was wondering why…"
"He cried?"
"Who wouldn't? You yelled at him and shoved him away like he had a disease or something. I would cry."
"You wouldn't. You'd beat the shit out of me."
"Maybe…but then I would cry."
I paused. Was it really that bad? Did I hurt him that much?
I opened the door, and she reached to stop me. I shook my head. "Fine. I'll go and apologize." She smiled. "But don't expect a whole make out story; it won't be going that far."
"Deal," she replied, and I walked into the building that was my home. But me, I lived on the fourth floor, and Tai on the fifth. I knocked on his door just to spite Sora, and as I did that, I realized that he most likely wouldn't even be home yet, since we had all left from the same place. That was confirmed when his mother answered the door. I told her that I would wait. I was going to go, but when I turned to the window, Sora waved a clenched fist in the air—the sign that I was to finish the job, whether or not he was there. I don't know to this day whether she knew I was watching her or not.
So there I was, sitting on the same couch I'd sat on when we were kids—which wasn't as long ago as everything makes it seem—watching Kamiya-san cook up her latest monstrosity. I never heard of Egg and Bologna stew in my life, and I wasn't about to try hers.
But as I watched her cook, I wondered quietly to myself if she knew about Tai. I really couldn't imagine what her reaction could have been, even if she did know, or what it would be when she found out, if Tai would ever tell her.
I waited only about ten minutes before he got there. He was by himself, which meant that Kari, Takeru, and the others were probably playing fames at Daisuke's house. I turned on my cell phone while he came in, just in case Takeru would call me for a ride.
He seemed surprised to see me.
"Ya-Yamato…" he said as he stared in disbelief.
I rolled my eyes, shaking it off and acting as though nothing had ever happened. "Yup. That's my name," I said.
"Want some stew, dear?" Kamiya-san interjected.
"I'm fine, mom," he said, and she frowned. Then squealed.
"My shows! Tai, did you tape them while I was at work today?"
I remembered then, that she never missed her favorite shows, despite the fact that she was at work everyday when they aired. So, she had Tai and Hikari tape them. They used to complain about it when they were little. "They're in your room, in the VCR, like they always are." Taichi said, and he looked away from me, blushing.
His mother squealed again, glanced at me, and ran from the room.
"Hi, Yamato…" Taichi said cautiously, sitting on a stool in the 'kitchen' part of the apartment.
Was it really that bad between us now? To the point where we had to sit in (technically) different rooms?
Hell yeah. And it was my fault.
I scratched the back of my head. I needed to get this over with. I needed to apologize—
Not to mention, I needed to get my best friend back.
"Look, Tai," I said, using his nickname so he'd know I was no longer upset with him, "I just wanted to tell you that I was a jerk the other day; I'm sorry." It was then I realized just how right I was. How I pushed him, yelled at him; he hadn't deserved it.
I realized that I was the one who started all this. What kind of an ass makes his best friend cry?
Of course, the answer was easy: me.
"I didn't have to do all of that," I continued. I was watching Tai's face, trying to see if he'd forgive me or not. He looked…expressionless. Like he hadn't yet decided h ow to take my apology.
Great.
"I was just…upset about some other things, and I took it out on you." I took a deep breath, and waited for Tai's reply. "I shouldn't have done that. You didn't deserve it!"
Finally, I say something truthful!
And Tai looked at me, and didn't say anything. I really didn't expect him to forgive me—I did make him cry.
Then, after a little while, he smiled. It was a fake smile, a sad smile, a smile that told me, I don't feel any better, but…you did at least apologize.
It was riddled with pain. Pain that I had caused.
And this time, I actually saw it. I reached down into the pit of my memories, and thought, Of all the times I've seen Tai happy, he sure didn't look like it—or something to that effect.
I could see through his lie, his façade, and I didn't like it. He looked as if he could burst into tears, still with at smile on his face. It mad me feel guilty. Like I had ripped out his heart and stepped on it.
Then another thought pushed it's way through.
Hey, wasn't that how you felt when Sora dumped you?
I shook my head slightly to clear my thoughts.
"I didn't exactly tell you at the best time, did I?" He said, still wearing that sad smile. I wished that he's stop faking his forgiveness. It was driving a dagger through my heart; it really was. "I don't blame you," he continued. "I was expecting it."
Then why do you look so hurt?
He was quiet then, and I knew that I should've left; he was silently telling me to get the hell out of his house. I stood and stretched, watching Tai as he watched me.
"Thanks for not kicking me out," I said, and walked to the door. He looked like he wanted to stop me, but did nothing, and I walked out.
Just to relieve the stress, I shouted from an open window to Sora, "GET OUT OF MY CAR, AND BRING ME MY KEYS!"
She paused, then shouted, "COME TO MY APARTMENT! I'LL MEET YOU THERE!"
Which, in girl language (which I happen to have learned a little of) means: Did it go well? Did it? Did it? Come to my house so we can talk!
Nothing important really happened after that, just so you know. Eventually, Tai and I began to hang out more, and like I said way back at the beginning, we did end up falling in love.
That story, you ask? You want to hear that one?
Heh. You'll have to ask Tai.
I don't know whether to put up Tai's version as a separate story, or an update on this one. What do you guys think? I'm waiting for your suggestions. Thanks! I appreciate it. The next chapter/story should be up in a couple of days.
"I will return, for I am the darkness..."