Title: What are they Doing?
Based on: One Piece
Characters: Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, and two bugs.
Theme: The birds and the bees.
Author: baka-yarou
Rating: T -Teen for mild language and references to sexual themes.
Couplings: Bzzt and Zztk.
Authors comments: I wanted to redo my "What are they Doing/SEX MAKES BABIES!" story. I found the way I wrote it originally was distastful. It was script format, and had so many grammatical errors. However, I loved the story itself. So, I believe it deserved to be redone. I looked through it, and fixed any spelling mistakes that word found, or that I spotted. I also looked through to find possible grammatical errors and fixed whatever I found.
WARNING! There is NO yaoi in this story!
It's also not letting me indent, which is annoying. :(
Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, Luffy, Sanji, Zoro, or anything related to One Piece. They belong to Oda Eiichirou and the people at Toei-animation, and shudder 4kids.
Monkey D. Luffy was sprawled on the goat-head figure head, looking out phlegmatically at the never-ending blue of the sea and sky ahead of them. There was not even a cloud to break up the boring, blue, monotonous seascape ahead of them. The invariability of the view he had seemed to sap the energy out of him as much as a net made with kairouseki. The more he stared at it, the more he was drawn into a void of perpetual blue, yet he found it captivating. He could not help but gaze into the blue abyss. Right when he was about to cross over the threshold of mortality, a loud sound caught his attention back to the world around him.
Feeling a little dazed, he looked for the cause of the sound. It was his first-mate, Roronoa Zoro, snoring on the deck. Yawning, he wandered over to the sleeping swordsman. Knowing full well that it would be impossible to wake him; he crouched in-front of the dozing man and pouted. He futilely poked him and then sighed. As he stood up, he noticed something on the leg of his cognizant-challenged first-mate. It was two bugs. Being the curious, overly excitable person that he is, Luffy shook the sleeping man and yelled, "Hey hey, check it out!"
Bleary eyed and grumpy, Zoro was dragged to consciousness where the first thing he saw was a blaringly bright straw-hat in his face. Looking at the face of the owner of said hat, he noticed that his loud captain was staring intently at his thigh. Reminding himself that his captain is not only stronger, but very strange and childish, he refrained from punching him and looked at where he was looking.
"Hey, Zoro! Look at those bugs!" the young captain of the Straw-Hat Pirates exclaimed.
Sighing, he looked at the bugs that were on his leg and rose an eyebrow. Yes, there were two bugs there. Not only were there two bugs there, they were mating. Shrugging, he closed his eyes, rather indifferent to the situation.
However, the bright-eyed captain chuckled, "What're they doing? Fighting?" He continued staring as Zoro just grunted a "sure". After a minute, or so, Luffy began to question his first hypothesis. "I don't think they're fighting. Hey, Zoro. What are they doin'?"
Not opening his eyes, he just smirked and said, "Screwing." After his captain made a confused sound, he realized that perhaps his captain did not understand what that meant. Sighing again, he muttered, "I'm no expert. Go ask that stupid cook."
Nodding loudly, he jumped up and ran to the kitchen. Upon barging in and startling the poor blond chef to nearly inhaling his cigarette, he yelled his name loudly. "Sanji!
After kicking Luffy for barging in suddenly and scaring him shitless, Sanji said in a rather exasperated tone, "Geez, Luffy. I fed you half an hour ago, don't tell me you're hungry!"
Looking at his chef blankly for a couple of moments, Luffy realized something. "You know, I think I actually am a little hungry!"
Rather surprised that his gluttonous captain was not lead here by his stomach, Sanji looked over and said, "What, you came in here for another reason?"
"Uhm," Luffy thought about the sunject for a moment. The thought of food distracted him to the point that he forgot why he had come here in the first place. "Damnit, Sanji! I forgot!"
Smirking at his captains simple-mindedness, he held out his hand and asked, "Hey, can you pass me that corkscrew?"
Looking at the utensils in front of him, Luffy picked one up and set it in Sanji's hand. "Is that it?"
"No, that's a fork. The corkscrew is the spirally one."
Luffy handed him another utensil, "Is that it?"
Setting the spatula that Luffy handed him down, he was getting a little annoyed, Sanji asked, "Does that LOOK spirally?"
"Oh! Right!" Luffy exclaimed and handed him the shredder.
Finally giving up, he went over and picked it up and showed it to his slow captain, "THIS! This is a corkscrew!"
"Oh!" Luffy smiled, "Corkscrew! Why didn't you be more specific?"
Slapping his forehead in exasperation, Sanji went back and grabbed the bottle of wine he was going to open.
"What do you do with a corkscrew?" Luffy inquired, suddenly curious.
Holding the bottle for Luffy to see, he pointed at the cork. "This is the cork." He then held up the corkscrew, "This is the corkscrew." He the twisted the corkscrew into the cork, "You screw the corkscrew into the cork," he paused as he did so, "and then you pull the cork out." He did just that.
"I see." After watching Sanji make a marinating sauce for the meat that evening, he suddenly remembered what he came into the kitchen for. "I remember what I was going to ask you!"
When Sanji was done making his marinate for the steaks, he poured himself a glass of wine and grunted out a "yeah" distractedly.
"What is screwing?" Luffy inquired innocently.
The cook thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, you take something spirally and twist it into something with a much softer texture. Like a screw into wood, or a corkscrew into a cork."
Looking dejected, Luffy stated, "I know that. But, what does that have to do with bugs?"
Raising his visible eyebrow, realizing what his naive captain meant, he chuckled, "Why do you ask?"
"Well, there were these two bugs, and I asked Zoro what they were doing. He said they were screwing, and I asked him with that meant. He told me to ask you," Luffy pouted because he was getting impatient and wanted to know.
The blonde chef sighed and muttered, "Shitty swordsman," after clearing his throat he said, "They were having sex."
"Sex?" he said after a slight blush and some confused blinks. "Bugs have sex?"
Pulling out a cigarette and placing it in his mouth, he said as he lit it, "Yeah. Where do you think baby bugs come from?"
"SEX MAKES BABIES?" Luffy exclaimed, obviously shocked at this information.
Feeling the awkwardness of being the one that informed his captain, a grown man, of the truth of where babies come from, he took a long drag of his cigarette, "Yes! You didn't know that?"
Luffy looked truly troubled, "Weird. Why did the mayor lie to me? He said babies came from storks!"
Sanji blew out some smoke, "That's just a tale to avoid talking about sex to kids. Don't tell me you believed that."
The young captain fumed and stomped back to the deck where the sleeping swordsman was, well, sleeping. While leaving the kitchen, he muttered, "Storks. STORKS!"
Zoro opened one eye and watched his captain emerge from the kitchen. His gaze followed him until he stomped up and sat heavily beside him.
"I hate bugs," Luffy stated.
Looking at the two bugs that were still using his leg as a bed, Zoro raised an eyebrow at their stamina. "Why?"
"They made the mayor lie."
"Huh?"
"BUG SEX MAKES BABIES!" Luffy yelled, disturbed by the thought.
"Uhm..."
"And here I thought babies came from storks! But, no! They come from bugs!" Luffy crossed his arms and fumed some more.
Laughing and looking at the bugs who have finished, Zoro shook his head and said, "From bugs, eh?"
Figure-Head: A lot of older ships have these. They are typically something on the front of the ship that is in the shape of a person, animal, or thing. In this case, it's the goat-head that Luffy sits on.
Net made with kairouseki: First of all, Kairouseki is the seastone that saps the strength of people with Akuma no Mi (devils/cursed fruit) powers. The Marines (navy) use these nets to capture pirates with powers.
Straw-hat pirates: Or "Mugiwara boushi Kaizoku-dan". The name of Luffy's pirate crew. Members: Luffy, Zoro, Nami, Usopp, Sanji, Chopper and Robin.
I hope you enjoyed the remaking of this. I added a bunch of pointless drabble, like the blue-void, and such to lead you in a completely different direction then the story was actually headed. I was having fun. Thank you for reading! Please review, criticize, comment, whatever!