Chapter 30

Vignettes On Pregnancy

Each of the following scenes took place during the month of January or early February. They are listed here in no particular order…

Words of Italian wisdom from my mother in law.

"I can't understand what you are saying," Joe's mother said into the telephone. "Are you trying to eat and talk at the same time?"

"Gno." I croaked. "I tkink I habe a code." I coughed again and sneezed twice. "De docktorr saids I can'dt takke adythink for it."

"Oh, you have a little cold. Poor thing. I'm sorry you'll miss Sunday dinner with the family. You know, you'll appreciate the baby even more when he finally comes since you've had to suffer with a cold."

Communication from Joe

"No, you don't look like a big duck waddling around the track. You just look like a pregnant lady getting a little exercise on the track. Exercise is good for you and for my God Son." Dunphy instructed. He was pretty proud that we'd asked him to be Joe Jr.'s Godfather and tried to wedge it into every conversation.

"Okay," I huffed, "Can I have my note now?"

"You've only been around the track once. Give me two more laps and you can have your note," Dunphy grinned.

The notes from Joe have become sporadic and Dunphy calls me to come to the gym for a walk on the track to pick it up. Joe indicates that they are 'very close' to wrapping things up, that he is 'very close' to coming home and that he is 'very close' to killing Teri Gilman and hiding the body. 'Yeah,' I thought, 'you and me both, buddy.' However, each note is still signed with 'Love, Joe' and I want them bad enough to walk without complaint. Oh, okay, without a whole lot of complaint. Geez.

The Diet

"What do you mean you are only eating Jelly Beans?" Connie and Lula were watching me curiously. I was sitting behind Connie's desk, with my swollen feet propped on the open file drawer and a big bowl of jelly beans in my lap.

"Even drinking water gives me heartburn, anymore. Since I have to eat, I'm going to eat what I want to eat. I've gone on a strict diet. I am eating only jelly beans." I said. "You can get almost any flavor you want in jelly beans. Want some root beer? Here! Have some root beer jelly beans," I illustrated my point by digging through my bowl and coming up with the reddish brown ones. "Want some watermelon? – There's jelly beans for that." I showed them the little pink ones. "Buttered Popcorn, you say? – Yes, there really are popcorn flavored jelly beans – they are white with yellow splotches. Jalapeno! Sure, there are jalapeno flavored jelly beans! See, they are these two toned green ones."

Connie and Lula just looked at each other in wide eyed amazement, mouths open. I continued, "My favorite is the combinations you can make. For 'Steph's Surprise' - you take two caramel apple jelly beans, three buttered popcorn jelly beans, one peanut butter and one sizzling cinnamon jelly bean and stuff them all in your mouth at once. It's best if you can follow them with an orange juice chaser. Do NOT drink lemonade with it unless you enjoy feeling your jaw seize up. Done right, however, it's an amazing taste combination." (CAUTION: Be careful to be sure to use the sizzling cinnamon – not the regular cinnamon – or the entire thing is ruined.)

"My second favorite is chocolate pudding jelly beans and cantaloupe jelly beans mixed two to one. I had to stop and buy more this morning because I was down to a bunch of margarita flavored ones left over from my bachelorette party last year. I've been licking salt off of my hand and popping them quickly into my mouth but it's just not the same," I said.

Lula offered, "You should write a recipe book for jelly bean lovers. Everyone likes recipe books and they sell like crazy. You'll make a million bucks."

Connie scrunched up her nose, "I think the jelly bean diet is gross. You are going to end up in a sugar coma anytime now."

I'd look forward to that, actually, since I can't get comfortable enough to really go to sleep anymore. Also, my mother is very concerned that I can't get full nutritional value from jelly beans alone. Therefore, I may start to supplement with bacon, cooked to a crisp.

Hygiene and Housekeeping

"Bob," I said, "I think I'm going to have to do some laundry." We could barely get into the bedroom. I'd stopped doing laundry after my tummy started growing. I mean, why wash something that has now become too small for you to wear? I couldn't even wear Joe's sweats and t-shirts anymore because my belly was too big. However, I've been taking my dirty maternity clothes over to my mom's house when I go and she's been washing them for me.

"I think I'll also have to wash my 'Joe' scented t-shirt I have stretched over my pillow. It really smells more like you now than like Joe anyway." Bob didn't have anything to say. He just seemed happy that he wasn't in line for a bath.

We made a party of it. I had Mary Lou help me haul all of the laundry down into the basement, along with a radio and Rex's cage. We did laundry all day that day and talked about babies, sex, and families. You know, girl stuff.

Doctor Hands

My doctor's appointments have escalated to once a week at this point. Everything is going great except that I seem to be experiencing high blood pressure periodically. He said something about becoming Toxic or something like that, but I think he's over-reacting because my mother blabbed to him about the jelly bean thing.

Doctor Hands says that Joe Jr. is doing fine and he will be a big, healthy, boy. He projects him to weigh at least 8 pounds. That sounds big for a baby, but then I saw a woman bringing in her newborn for her followup and she said he was 8 pounds and he seemed teeny tiny.

It is terrifying to me that they are just going to wrap this new baby up in a little blue blanket and then hand him over to me and send me home with him. Then what? Boy, I really hope Joe is home by then. Everyone, it seems, has offered to come home with me when the baby comes if Joe isn't here. He will be. I just know he will be.

Childbirth classes

Mary Lou and I finished the last session of childbirth classes last week. They showed videos that night. The teacher (Donna Babitzke, who is at least 10 years younger than me and 15 pounds lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight) was frightening. She would cover all these horrifying incidents that have happened to people and then just smile and say, 'but after all that, their baby was born perfect and they lived happily ever after.' Of course, Mary Lou has children and so does my sister. I've been around (at arm's length) when they were each having their babies and from what I remember, things went very well. At least from my side of the curtain, they went great.

It is a little daunting, however, when someone you know tells you the horrific childbirth story (you know the one: 40 hours in labor, breech presentation, emergency cesarean, snowbound in a cabin) but then smiles at you like the Virgin Mary and says, 'but as soon as I had the little angel in my arms, I forgot all about the pain and fear'. Valerie and Mary Lou both say that is a bunch of crap. They remember every, single pain they suffered and bring them up liberally when their kids are acting like brats.

Preparing for Baby

I spent time one weekend with my mom and Grandma Mazur going to Target and Toys R Us and doing the baby registration thing. That's fun. We got to just pick everything that looked cute and scan it in on this cool little hand-held scanner so that people knew what we wanted for the baby shower. We ran into Mooner, too. Between he and Grandma, we ended up scanning some questionable material at Target, but we'll see what happens.

I remembered Joe's definition of a Super Hero and we avoided anything resembling Batman stuff. We found some really cute little Super Man and Spider Man PJ's and onesies as well as sheets, curtains, and towels. Mooner got himself some Spiderman PJ's, too. I think he's worn them every day since then. I went back later and picked up Joe some in the Super Man motif, but that's a whole other story – let's just say I don't intend for him to wear them to sleep in.

Grandma's New Job

"I am tired of just staying at home and going to the beauty parlor and to the funeral home. I've decided I'm going into business doing commercials as a spokesperson for a local small businessman," Grandma Mazur announced over dinner at my parent's house one evening.

My father's eyes never left his plate. My mother looked up in dignified horror. My sister Valerie just grimaced. I finally bit. "Grandma, who are you going to represent?"

"I'll show you." She said, leaving the table, spindly little legs dancing from the room in a happy little pattern.

"Okay," my mother said to the rest of us, "your grandmother is just trying to regain some independence. Let's try to support her in her decision. Remember how cute some little old ladies can be when they do commercials. Maybe it's for hearing aids or a doctor's office or something."

Grandma Mazur came back into the room wearing red hotpants, a red cowboy hat and a bright yellow T shirt with red sparkly glittering letters that read, "Big Dave's Muffler Repair and Titty City".

"How nice." Valerie replied in her most supportive voice. "I like the red, Grandma. It brings out the color in your eyes."

The Baby Shower

Today is February 12th. I'm due to pop in 2 weeks – on February 26th. My baby shower, hosted by Lula, Connie, Mary Lou, Teri Gilman's mother, several of my mother's friends, Joe's God-mother, and some of Joe's mother's friends, will be this afternoon. I can't wait. All the new baby clothes and stuff will take my mind off Joe, maybe.

Unfortunately my nose has exploded overnight. Have you ever seen anyone whose nose took on the characteristics of the pregnancy? You know what I mean? Overnight my nose expanded in size about 400. No kidding. Each nostril looks fully capable of housing a Land Rover.

Mom Morelli is coming to pick me up in 15 minutes and I can't figure out how to minimize my huge nose with makeup. I know how to cover bags, wrinkles and zits, extra large noses are a new thing for me. Of course, she's early.

"Hello! Come in. I'm almost ready," I said. Grandma Bella didn't exactly look happy to be here. But she never seems really happy. Mom Morelli hugged me tight and kissed me right on the end of my huge proboscis.

"Bundle up warm, honey, it's cold out there!" She said. "Oh, Bob's not going to the shower, is he?" Bob had gone to the door with us. He really hates to be left at home alone and he's been my boon companion for the past several months.

"No," I answered, "my Dad is going to babysit. He's at home, so we just have to drop Bob off on the way to the shower."

"Oh, good. I was afraid he'd eat the petit fours and drink the punch if we weren't careful." She said, petting him affectionately.

"He would. That's why he can't come." I gave him a look. He sort of hung his big shaggy head. He'd eaten my sandwich last night, after he'd finished his own.

We loaded up in Mrs. Morelli's Buick and set off for a big day of adventure. We dropped Bob off at Grandpa Frank's Daycare where my sister's 3 kids were, along with her husband who also needed a sitter in my opinion. Valerie and I had agreed to disagree on the fact that I wouldn't 'face facts' and divorce Joe. Albert, her husband, never failed to let me know the paperwork was all ready and all it needed was a signature and a date.

Sentiment in the Burg was divided. Those who really knew Joe well knew there was something going on behind the scenes. This included most of his family (his brothers notwithstanding) and those involved in law enforcement. These people were quietly supportive, withholding speculation and conjecture.

The local busybodies, of which there were many, had spun the story into epic proportion, expecting me to be checked into the funny farm any day because my grasp on reality had such a serious flaw in it. They felt so terribly sorry for me. These ladies were people who were mostly my mother's age and never missed an opportunity to tell me how sorry they were that 'things turned out this way'.

The shower was a good mix of these two groups and should prove to be fun anyway. There were already a lot of people there when we arrived. The shower, to my surprise, was held at the Grizolli mansion. I guessed this is where Terri grew up. But, no, I don't think her family came into a lot of money until we were grown, or at least in high school. The home was beautiful and the shower decorations were first class. There were lots of flowers, ribbons, bows and beautiful wrappings. No crape paper honeycomb baby rattles hanging from the crystal chandelier in this joint.

I was presented with the traditional corsage made of lacy baby booties, but it also had a few of my favorite fire and ice roses in it – a gift from Joe, Terri's mom told me privately, with a wink. At first it surprised me, but of course she'd know what was going on. Terri was there too.

The gift from the hostesses was a wonderful stroller and high chair. They were set up in the corner next to the chair where I was told to sit and open presents. Mary Lou sat next to me to write down the gifts on a tablet so I could use it to help with thank you notes and so it could later be transcribed into the baby book. After a million pictures around a lovely serving table, we got down to business.

My mother is our family's 'appropriate behavior police'. She's the one who will let you know if you have created a social faux pas. I wore a light coral colored maternity dress with a winter white jacket and matching shoes. Valerie had picked them out for me, so I knew I was dressed okay. I balanced a plate of petit fours, nuts and handmade mints on my belly until I caught my mother giving me the evil eye. I carefully moved the plate to the table next to the chair where I was sitting and I sat up straight. Grandma Mazur was passing out business cards for Dave's but Mother caught her and hid her stash.

I felt like I had opened gifts for 2 days, but it was, I guess, only a couple of hours, because I was safely deposited back at my nice, quiet, little house by dark. Mom Morelli had stayed to help clean up, so Lula had brought me home. I was exhausted. Let's just say that getting into Lula's Firebird was a lot easier than getting out of it. She finally got her legs over the console from the driver's side and launched me out with her feet on my rear end. "Are you sure you don't need me to come in?" She said.

"No. I'm just going to go in and crash on the sofa. My Mom and Dad are coming later with Valerie and Albert to deliver the gifts and Bob. They'll bring dinner, I'm sure. Until then, I just plan to sleep." I said as I unlocked the door and swept inside.

"Okay, call me if you need anything." She called, with a wave of her hand as she headed back to her car.

I went into the quiet house. It was almost eerie without Bob. Things are never really still when he's in the house. I went to the kitchen to see Rex spinning on his wheel. I thought it was unusual to see him up so early, but he comes out at all different times. I realized that I'd left the milk out on the counter, too. I hate it when I do things like that. I started to pour it down the drain, but it still felt pretty cold.

My heart sped up. I tossed my jacket on a chair and I raced up the stairs.

Joe.

He was sound asleep on our bed. He was still wearing his jacket, and even his shoes. He was on his belly. His hair was long, curled around his ears, and over the collar of his jacket.

I was afraid to wake him up. Afraid it was all a dream. I walked slowly to the foot of the bed, and then just crawled up beside him. His beautiful dark brown eyes fluttered open and a big grin lit his face. "Hey, Cupcake. I'm home."