Just over a week ago, I took the plunge and actually rented "Shadow the Hedgehog", the video game. I felt that I had to see for myself just how poor both fans and critics alike were claiming it to be. Hoo boy, they weren't kidding. I was never a Shadow fan, but this took the biscuit. Very clunky controls, dodgy camera, constant deaths by falling off the sides, messy and silly storylines and overall, completely the wrong theme for a Sonic game. The guns that they bigged up so much didn't even have a lock-on system, for crying out glaiven! The game was every bit as painful as I had expected it to be, from rental to returning.
But with it, ladies and gentlemen, came inspiration.
This, then, is my latest project - a satirical adaptation of the game's Neutral storyline. Why go Neutral? It was the only one I bothered to play from start to finish (and in only 3 hours or so, might I add). Some may find it hilarious, some may find it slanderous, some may find they can't understand half the jokes, but I know one thing - it's marginally preferable to Charmy's voice.
And now, the intro. Enjoy and it's good to be back in action!
"SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG: THE ULTIMATE PARODY"
Based on the game "Shadow the Hedgehog" by SEGA
Adapted by Professor Reginald Fortesque Vengeance (Esquire)
PROLOGUE
Westopolis - an all-American city with all-American people and an all-American rising crime rate. Just outside this bustling hive of humans stood a large hill with a single tree on top. As one of the only unpolluted areas around, it was mainly used for recreational activities, such as drug deals, a dog's toilet or making out on. Today, it was the thinking spot of a certain anthropomorphic hedgehog.
The hedgehog stood beside the tree, his arms folded to emphasise his badass attitude to the world. As if the black fur with blood red highlights, golden bracelets, permanent scowl and jet-powered shoes didn't do that enough. A stray newspaper blew against his leg ("Fire in the sky! Black Comet returns after 50 years! Parents worried sick!") as he lost himself in thought.
Shadow the Hedgehog...why does that name haunt me? I mean, it's such a stupid name. 'Shadow the Hedgehog'. God, sounds like it's for some generic video game anti-hero...It's the only thing I can remember...
The last few days had been a real rollercoaster for Shadow. First, he was freed from the lab of mad scientist and renowned ninny Dr Eggman, with little memory of his past. Then, he had to re-ally with Sonic the Hedgehog and his friends to stop the Doctor's renegade Metal Sonic conquering the Earth. Then, just as they were victorious and his memory seemed on the mend, he slipped on a banana peel dropped by Eggman and now, he can barely remember to put his shoes on in the morning.
And that gruesome image...
Shadow gave a brief shudder. The only clear memory he had was of a human girl with long blond hair and a blue dress. She was being chased down a corridor by a dozen armed soldiers and had just reached a dead-end. The guns were cocked; the girl cowered, fearing the worst...
But nothing happened.
The girl opened her eyes. Slowly getting back up, she found the soldiers frantically trying to fire their weapons, but only getting a series of hollow clicks for their troubles.
"Hah!" laughed the girl, "You wasted all your bullets wrecking up the place! You guys aren't so tough now, are you?" She then proceeded to poke one of the men and danced about in front of them, singing, "The army guys are wieners! The army guys are wieners! The army gu..."
A semi-automatic suddenly flew into her face and knocked her cold to the ground.
"Good thinking, Johnston!" announced one of the soldiers, "The innocent little girl has been subdued! When we get back, there'll be a Medal of Honour with your name on it!"
"Sir! Thank you, sir!" barked Johnston proudly.
"MARIA!"
Shadow's sudden outburst snapped him out from his flashback. That and the pigeon currently having a heart attack against his feet. Compassionately booting it to one side, he buried his face in his hands and growled.
"Who am I? And why can't I remember anything? And who is this 'Maria'? Hey, was I wearing gloves when I went out?"
A loud rumbling interrupted Shadow's rhetorical question session. Looking up, he noticed thick clouds rapidly gathering over the city, all a sinister maroon. Suddenly, the wind began to pick up and the clouds were now swirling above the tall apartments and offices like a crimson tornado. Lightning bolts began sparking from the cyclone and a good thousand-plus aliens descended in an orgy of pyrotechnical hullabaloo. Unfortunately, these weren't the usual grey-skinned, big-headed, "take me to your leader" B-movie aliens with accompanying Theremin music. These were more the multiple-toothed, big-muscled, "get in mah belly" R-movie aliens with accompanying rap-metal music. Bony winged creatures swooped overhead and 'bombed' car windscreens, while the more muscular ones flattened them and threw them away after stealing the hubcaps. Shadow couldn't help grinning as he watched the smoke and screams rise into the air.
"Hmm, look how pathetic they are", he sneered and turned his back on the scene. "I don't have time for these humans...whatever they are..."
"Shadow..."
Shadow froze. He could swear he'd just heard someone speak. Eh, he thought, probably a voice from another soul-wrenchingly tragic memory or something. So, he kept walking.
"Shadow?"
There it was again. Like someone was calling for him. Man, there's a lot of voices in my head for just one hedgehog, he thought and starting walking once again.
"Hey, asshole! Are you deaf or something? Turn around!"
Shadow nearly jumped out his fur and spun around. The real speaker was a hologram, projected by a myopic purple starfish creature hovering in mid-air. It was an immensely tall figure, with three clawed fingers on each hand and who seemed to float instead of having legs. He was dressed in a thick ragged cloak and heavy medallions with sayings like "I Heart Black Arms" and "Unidentified Fly Object". A long pair of horns made his head look rather T-shaped and three eyes adorned his face, all glowing a malicious red.
What a nice guy, Shadow thought to himself.
"You took your time", grumbled the alien hologram and cleared his throat. "Now then", he went on in a more professional tone, "As you can see, the day of reckoning will soon be here. Find the seven Chaos Emeralds and bring them to me as promised." He awaited the hedgehog's obedient response.
"...huh?"
The alien's three eyes widened. "'Huh'? What do you mean 'huh'?"
"What do you think I mean, Pickaxe-Head?" Shadow snapped, "Who are you? And how do you know I'm Shadow (if that is my name)? And what are you talking about?"
The mysterious being sighed heavily. "Listen, hedgehog. This game is short enough without me telling you your whole meaning for existence this early on. Just get the Emeralds quickly, so you can give them to me, I can tell you all about your stupid little past, you can kick my scaly ass in a Super-form battle royale and then, we can all go home with a shred of dignity still in tact. OK?"
At that, the hologram faded and the starfish creature flew away in a shot. Shadow was just about to follow, when a series of explosions went off all around him for no readily apparent reason. Not one of them hit Shadow, though, or even knocked him to the ground. He couldn't remember how to fall down.
"Just what was that about?" he asked aloud and stared down at the city under siege. "If he says he knows the truth about who I am, then like it or not, I have to believe him. Sure, he looks kinda like the Devil Incarnate and is probably just exploiting my amnesic state for his own diabolical purposes, but I'm not exactly getting anywhere standing by this...uh...big, wooden...thing. What's it called again? Damn it, I'm losing the point! He made an offer and now, the only way I'm going to get the secrets to my past is to get those Chaos Emeralds!"
Brimming with fresh confidence, Shadow bolted heroically down the hill and began skating his way towards Westopolis. Finally, the truth would come out. Finally, he would understand his purpose in life.
Then, he stopped again.
"Hang on...what is a Chaos Emerald?"
TO BE CONTINUED...