Title: Muse
Author: Akuni-A
Universe: Bleach
Genre: Humour/Romance – very silly premise! Borders on crack!
Rating: M
Pairing: Renji+Ichigo
Spoilers: read through Soul Society Arc to be safe
Word Count: 2100

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, I'm just borrowing it for a while.
Distribution: Also posted to my LJ. Please ask if you want to share it :)

Dedication: Dedicated to my friend 'the artist'… and Kuchiki Byakuya.

A/N: My Bleach OTP is RenRuki, but I'm hooked on fandom Renji/Ichigo. If you're reading this story, I don't have to tell you why! (fans self)

I started writing this scene just for a laugh, but it turned into something much more than I'd originally expected. And let me state up front that I agree, self-insertions are weak, but anything goes in a crack fic, right? ;)

(Man I have the worst time formatting here... sorry, I'll work it out eventually.)

The artist looked around her living room with satisfaction. Everything was ready – now she just had to wait for inspiration. She sat and opened her sketchbook, and lined up her pencils. Her husband had taken all four of the kids out for the day, and she had the house to herself for the first time in weeks. It was blissfully silent and free of distractions, and she could indulge in her favourite pastime.

A faint breeze and change in the air pressure told her she did not have to wait any longer. She turned to see who her muse had sent her this time. She was delighted to see her favourite model standing behind her chair. She smiled at the orange-haired man, and was pleased when his habitual scowl faded when he saw her.

"Oh, it's you." He looked surprised. "This'll be OK then." Then he smiled at her.

Her stomach did flip flops. Ichigo never smiled at fan artists – what he thought about fan fiction writers didn't even bear mentioning!

"I… you don't mind me drawing you?" she was honestly curious.

"Naw, you're one of the good ones."

She blinked. She was?

"You don't make me do anything weird. It's always… tasteful." he continued. "So, where do you want me?" he looked around.

She bit her cheek sharply to keep the smirk off her face; he was in a good mood, and she didn't want to spoil it.

"I thought we could work on the…" she was interrupted by another flutter of air at her back. Ichigo looked startled.

"What's he doing here?"

She turned to face her second guest. What was he doing here? She hadn't expected two of them.

"Oh hey, it's you!" Renji sounded relieved as he walked across the room and made himself comfortable on her couch. "We got lucky, Ichigo!"

"Why are you here?" Ichigo asked again. "She's never drawn both of us before."

Renji muttered something under his breath and busied himself straightening the folds of his uniform.

"What?" Ichigo demanded. The scowl was back.

"I said 'Rukia made me.'" Renji refused to look up. The flush on his cheeks grew as Ichigo actually began laughing.

"You are so whipped," Ichigo chuckled as he sat next to Renji on the couch. "Why do you let her push you around?"

"The same reason you do," Renji grumbled, still not meeting their eyes. "She plays dirty. She asked in front a' Kuchiki-taichou in that fake schoolgirl voice of hers."

Ichigo stopped laughing and made a face. "Oh."

"Yeah. I figured anything was better 'n lettin' him slice me up again after her last round a' crocodile tears – remember how mad he was the last time we 'made her cry'?" They both shuddered.

"So, um… do you guys have any suggestions? I really wasn't expecting the pair of you, so I haven't got anything in mind." She was at a loss. Their easy interaction was not something she was expecting – obviously they got along far better 'in person' so to speak.

"Actually," Renji squirmed a bit. "That's already been decided, too." Ichigo looked at him sharply.

"What do you mean… oh no, you're not serious."

Renji nodded, swallowing hard. Ichigo buried his head in his hands.

"Wait what am I missing here? Guys?" she was beginning to get worried. What could rattle them so badly?

Renji looked up, finally. His eyes were a little wild. "Rukia's gonna send instructions after we've all had time t' 'get better acquainted'."

Oh. Well that wouldn't be so bad, would it? She'd enjoy the opportunity to chat with the guys, and knowing them better would help her breathe life into her drawings.

"Well ok then. I've always wondered something, and it seems we've got the time for me to finally ask." She would start with an easy question. "How is it that you are here? Surely you don't have time to make appearances to every artist and writer out there."

Renji and Ichigo looked at each other. Renji quirked an inked eyebrow; Ichigo nodded.

"Well we're not, really." Renji began.

"Huh? I see you plain as day. I'm not imagining this… am I?" Had she finally gone crazy?

"No, we're here, but we're not quite here." Ichigo ran a hand through his hair. "It's kinda hard to explain. We're… aspects of ourselves."

"I… see."

"Do you really?"

"Um… no?"

"We're here at the same time as we're at home. We're projections of ourselves. We come here, do your thing, and dissipate back into the main consciousness." Renji tried to explain.

She was beginning to understand, dimly. "Doesn't that get confusing? I mean, having so many different yous out there to keep track of?"

"Sometimes. It's easier just to not think about it and process it all when you're asleep. It used ta be a lot worse though – not everyone gets a projection anymore, and there are definite rules about what we will and won't do for people."

"Yeah, talk about constant nightmares." Ichigo looked a little pale.

She didn't blame him. She'd been around the 'net enough to know there were some things these guys just shouldn't have to go through. "Well I can promise you that I won't make you…" she broke off as something inside Renji's uniform began humming and beeping.

Renji's hands were trembling as he fished out his spirit phone. One look and his eyes bugged out in shock. His face turned white, then bright red as he passed the communicator to Ichigo without a word.

"Oh no, she can't be serious." Ichigo was incredulous.

Renji couldn't speak; he nodded helplessly.

"In front of her?" Ichigo's voice was strangled.

Renji nodded again. Both of their faces were flaming now. What on earth could Rukia be demanding that was so terrible?

"Guys, really, whatever it is you don't have to do it." They looked at her.

"We appreciate that, but… actually we do."

"Is that some kind of rule? I won't tell anyone, I promise." she was sincerely worried for them now, the way they kept glancing nervously at each other.

"No it ain't that," Renji found his voice again. "Rukia'd… she's…"

"Blackmail." Ichigo's voice was hoarse. "I can't believe she's dragging you into this, though. That's just not fair, you've always been good to us." He looked at her then. "Listen, it's… you don't have to… we don't usually do this in front of people like you." Renji nodded his agreement.

"People like me? Do what?" she was totally lost.

"You're so nice to us, you probably don't…" Ichigo was interrupted when the communicator went off again. They snatched it up eagerly, obviously hoping for a reprieve. As they read the message, their jaws dropped and their eyes snapped onto her face simultaneously.

"She really does… wow, who woulda guessed it, huh?" Renji's usual smirk was finding its way back onto his face. "She's always been so…"

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed. There was a strange look in his eyes that she couldn't place. "That makes this a whole lot easier, then."

What in the world was going on here? "Just what did that thing say about me?"

"We'll tell you later, if you still haven't figured it out. Just do us one favour, ok? Don't say anything, and don't interrupt. Go ahead and sketch… I suspect that's still the reason why we're here. We're counting on you to do this right."

"O-ok, but Ichigo…" her question died away as the two men on her couch turned their eyes on each other and several things suddenly fell into place in her mind.

Oh my god… they're not… are they…

They reached for each other at the same time. Renji's hands grasped the front of Ichigo's robe and pulled him close; Ichigo reached up and snapped Renji's hair tie, burying his hands in the fiery mane that spilled down. Their eyes slid closed as their lips met.

They were kissing each other in her living room. On her couch. And not just some tame peck on the lips - this was the real thing. It was crystal clear that this was not unfamiliar or unpleasant territory for them.

One thought filtered through her dazed mind – they were counting on her. She fumbled for her sketchpad and pencil. The pencils slid off the table and onto the floor, but the couple on her couch were too wrapped up in each other to notice. Her hand flew across the page, recording the incredible scene playing out in front of her.

Ichigo drew back into a reclining position; Renji's hands slipped into Ichigo's robes and caressed his chest. They looked as if they were attempting to devour each other, lips and tongues battling fiercely.

Ichigo slid farther down, sinking deeper into the cushions as their bodies pressed together. He untangled his fingers from Renji's hair and tugged the other man's robe down off his shoulders. Renji made a noise that was part chuckle and part growl as he finally broke the kiss. They stared at each other, chests heaving together as they fought for breath. They were both flushed and sweating.

Ichigo sat up only long enough for them to strip their robes down to their waists. His fingers unerringly traced the familiar patterns of the tattoos on Renji's back while Renji attacked Ichigo's neck and chest. Their legs twisted together in a tangle as their hips ground together, and they groaned simultaneously.

Renji's lips traced a path down Ichigo's chest. Ichigo's head was thrown back, eyes tightly shut; his swollen lips were parted, his breathing ragged. "Renji…" he rasped, grabbing fistfuls of the bright hair spilling across his stomach.

Ichigo raised his head and opened his eyes to meet Renji's questioning gaze. "We…" Ichigo licked his lips. "Enough?" Understanding dawned in Renji's glassy eyes. "Right." Renji leaned forward to press one last, lingering kiss on Ichigo's lips. They sat up and straightened their clothing. They returned to their previous side-by-side positions on the couch, but Ichigo's hand found Renji's and linked their fingers together.

She was sure she was flushed from head to toe. Her sketches were incomplete, but the essentials were there in black and white.

"Um, what do you want me to do about this?" she inquired. She didn't want to invade their privacy but… this was really too good to ignore.

"Draw whatever you like." Ichigo smiled at her reassuringly. "We trust you'll do your usual good job." Renji indicated his agreement with a wide grin.

"Ok." She smiled back. Really, Ichigo ought to smile more often. He was so much more handsome that way.

Renji's communicator beeped again. One quick look, and their faces grew serious.

"Hollows," Renji explained tersely. "We have to go – we have to be completely focused in battle."

"Of course. Take care, guys," she stood up, unsure of how to go about saying goodbye to her astonishing guests.

Her heart sped up as they both stood and crossed the room to stand next to her. Together they wrapped their arms around her shoulders and she felt their lips brush across her cheeks. "Thanks," they whispered, and then…

The rush of air told her that she was alone in her home once again. She collapsed into her chair, breathing heavily. She had no idea whether this was a dream or a strange piece of reality, but she was eternally grateful for the experience – and she was going to make the most of it. Right after she had a long bike ride and a hot shower…

A blinking light on her computer monitor attracted her attention – a message. "You won't believe what just happened! I'm sending you a new story..."

Rukia smiled happily. Her latest visit to the living world had been very profitable. She hid the printouts in her robes as she strode through the corridors of the Kuchiki mansion towards her brother's office.

She poked her head around the door. "Nii-sama?"

The noble head of the Kuchiki family waved her into his office without ceremony. Really, once they'd gotten to know each other, she'd discovered that his noble aloofness was nothing more than a pose.

She dropped the sheaf of papers on Byakuya's desk, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders affectionately. "Happy birthday, nii-sama." She placed a chaste kiss on his pale cheek, and withdrew to allow him the privacy to enjoy the gift.

Byakuya untied the ribbon securing the roll of paper. He allowed himself a smile as he recognized the artist's tasteful style. His slender fingers hesitated a moment as he realized that there was more than just the usual sketch. He shuffled the papers, and was unable to stop the uncharacteristic smirk that spread across his face as several type-written sheets spilled out over his desk. It appeared to be a story of sorts.

"Thank you, dear sister." He murmured, as he eagerly bent his attention to his birthday gift.

END