Title: I Get a Kick out of You
Author: Dru and Harem
Fandom: House
Pairing: House/Chase preslash/slash
Summary: Chase gets a checkup, and more than he bargained for.
Rating: PG-16 for some naughty words and situations
Parts: 1?
Status: WIP
Series/Sequel: Sequal to Ain't that a Kick in the Head
Disclaimer: Not ours. So very not ours.
Authors notes & Warnings: This is actually complete put its 50odd pages so you're getting a chapter at a time. Stop whining

I Get a Kick out of You

-Ch 1-

House didn't bother to knock. Chase had given him his key, well, he hadn't realized House had made a copy, and that was nearly as good. He fished the key out of his pocket and let himself in. "Honey, I'm-" He paused and tilted his head."-Confused…" He finished. "What are you doing?"

Chase fell over with a yelp, then glared up at House from the yoga mat in the middle of his living room. "House, what are you doing in my apartment!"

"At the moment? Trying to figure out how you do that without breaking your spine. And I asked first."

Chase rolled his eyes, untangled him self from…himself… and pushed off of the floor. He brushed his hair out of his eye.

I'm doing yoga. You're the one who won't let me run for three more weeks remember? Now your turn! Why are you in my apartment? And how did you get in!"

"You do yoga? Wow you get girlier every day! Huh. Hey can you reach your..."

"House!" Chase stopped him with a raised hand.

"Oh fine. Party pooper. I stole your keys and had copies made. You should really keep better track of your belongings you know. Any psychopath could get in."

Chase sighed and covered his face with his hands.

"Oh don't pout. I'm not just stalking you. I have Foreman and Cameron's keys too. Cuddy's too for that matter. And Wilson was dumb enough to give me a key on his own. Sucker."

"You really are psychotic you know that right? I assume you had a good reason for this visit other then just trying to make me break my neck?"

"We need to have a talk."

Chase snickered and gave him an amused look. "You're breaking up with me? I thought I broke up with you?"

"Cute. But no I'm serious. We need to talk about your physical. The mandatory, and-that-means-you yearly duckling check up."

"We didn't have one last year" Chase mumbled under his breath.

House ignored him and continued. "I got your results back today. But you know the funny thing is, all of those tests that you aced? Not a single record of them. No blood results, No urine tests, not even any used gloves. Just a check list and a gold star for the healthy wombat." He plunked himself down on the couch.

Chase looked defiant. "I took those tests! Ask Dr. Heartford. She administered them all herself!"

"Dr. Heartford's been trying to get in your pants since you showed up. So did the two of you do it in the exam room, or did she actually make you take her out to dinner before she would fake the tests?"

Chase blinked. "You think I'd sleep with somebody just to get out of a physical?"

"Duh."

"Our date had nothing to do with me not taking a physical." Chase ducked his head. "We just…lost track of time, and she didn't have any other free appointments." He admitted.

"I knew it! You are such a slut. And you're still getting tested. Even Cuddy's backing me up on this one. You're not coming back to work until I have a complete history, including a recent physical, with a paper trail. We're just going to have to add STD screening now."

"What!" Chase looked appalled. He sank back down onto the yoga mat.

"Well if you would keep it in your pants." House suggested.

"That's not what I meant! Why do I have to get a physical? They just checked me out the other day. My head's completely fine. I don't even get dizzy any more!"

"When was the last time you had a physical?"

Chase opened his mouth and House held up a finger in warning. "Ahh! No lying, a real physical."

Chase chewed on his lip for a minute. "Well… er… I usually do my own."

House sighed. "Stress on the word real, wombat. Try again."

"The school nurse checked me out before I was allowed to join the football team when I was 12."

"So you've never had a physical?"

"I said I usually-"

"You don't get to do your own!" House cut him off, feeling a migraine starting to gnaw on the edges of his brain.

House shook his head. ""You can't keep going like this, with your phobia. Ok I admit it you have a valid cause with what your father did to you as a kid, but it's been over 20 years, it's time to get over it. You work in a hospital! It's amazing you haven't landed your self in a bed before, what are you going to do if you get hurt again? Or get sick? You'll completely freak out. And then I have to jam the big needle full of sedatives in your ass. You have to get over this."

"Lots of people have issues with hospitals! And I have a good immune system, I take vitamins, and I don't get hurt easily. I've survived this long I'll be fine! Remember that time I sliced my hand on a piece of glass? I took care of it myself!"

"That was a scratch, and those people don't work in hospitals, with patients with weird, possibly contagious, illnesses, on a daily bases! How often do our patents have psychotic breaks and get violent! You've had near misses before, only it took a toss in the ER to finely land you with a head injury. What are you going to do when next time it's worse? When next time I'm not there to take you home and baby sit you, or it's too severe and requires staying in the hospital?"

Chase glared and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You're taking your physical. " House decreed.

"Oh come on! Like you get check ups?" Chase snapped.

"Yes."

"Yeah which consist of what? 'Hey Wilson. Not dead. Give me more Vicodin!'?" Chase snarked glaring.

"Not quite. But we're talking about you and your issues not me."

Chase made a face. "Alright fine. But...can't you just do it here or something?"

"You know as much as I want to role play kinky doctor and naughty patient with you, I'm talking actual real medical tests and exams."

Chase rolled his eyes. "That's not what I meant."

"Suuure it wasn't wombat. Sure. Look, even I took my physical this time. I let a doctor stick his finger up my ass for you, so you're going, whether you like it or not."

Chase blinked then suddenly turned on House. "You planed this! This- this- this whole physical thing! Just to get me examined!"

House tried, and failed to look innocent.

"There's no other explanation! Why the hell else would you suddenly decide every one on the team should get checkups!"

"...um. We're all exposed to icky germs on a regular bases?" House tried.

Chase snorted. "Try again."

"Oh fine! Yes it was all my evil plan to get you naked in an exam room and have my wicked way with you! And I would have gotten away with it it wasn't for you, you meddling kid! Curses! Foiled again!" House snarked.

"Well if that's all you wanted, you could've said so. Then no one would've had to go to the doctor! I'm perfectly willing to whore my self out to avoid unnecessary trips to the hospital."

House opened his mouth then stopped looking like he was considering it for a minute then shook his head and glared at Chase. He grabbed a magazine off an end table, rolled it into a tube and hit Chase over the head with it. "No! Bad duckie! Bad!"

Chase didn't look in the least bit chastised. He looked amused in fact. "Is that a no?"

"You are not getting out of this though your sexual wiles!"

Chase sighed. "There's no way I'm getting out of this?"

"Nope."

"Sure?"

"Yup."

"Damnit."

"You have two choices. Go back to Princeton Plainsboro, or if it will make you feel more comfortable, we can go to another doctor."

"We?"

"Yup. Someone's got to make sure you don't weasel out of it again."

Chase sighed.

"Still waiting for an answer." House sing-songed, looking smug.

"Fine! I'll call around tomorrow and try to find a doctor in the area." Chase sulked, figuring he had bought himself a few weeks at least.

"Door number two, good choice. I had a feeling you'd pick that one so I've arranged for you to go see a colleague of mine tomorrow. You'll like him, happily married, old, big hands. And just to make sure you keep that appointment, I'm spending the night here. Get within five feet of that door and I'm gnawing your leg off."

Chase sighed and fell backwards on to his yoga mat, flinging up an arm to cover his eyes. "You are such a bastard."

House simply grinned and reached for the remote. "Do you get porn on this thing?"