Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.
Chapter 26: The End of the First War
Our flat was dark when I got home. My eyes tried to adjust to the darkness as I looked around the room and saw no sign of Lola. I went to step around the coffee table, something crunched under my boot. I lifted up my foot, seeing soot from the fireplace. She did come back but where is she now? I dropped my jacket on the couch as I walked around it; a piece of dry wall laid on the floor next the end of the couch. I picked it up, wondering where it could have come from and a heap of black across the room near our bedroom door caught my eye.
I dropped the piece of dry wall, curiously walking towards the dark heap. I stopped in my tracks a few steps shy of the heap and my stomach dropped; dark hair was sprawled around one end of the heap. I waved my wand, illuminating the room and I immediately swallowed the bile that filled my throat. I stood frozen, my breathing becoming rapid and unsteady and tears filling my eyes. I closed the space between me and the body that lay on the floor; I numbly kneeled on the floor, reaching out to brush aside the mess of dark hair. My hands trembled as my fingers brushed the hair revealing the once perfect face that haunted me. I retracted my hands as if I touched fire and the tears flowed down my cheeks. Her once beautiful blue eyes, that captivated me, that showed all of her emotions stared at me empty and lifeless.
My body trembled from crying as I scooped Lola's limp body into my arms, cradling her to my chest and crying into her hair. She's been taken from me seemingly after the moments I got her.
My heart and soul went empty in the moments I had alone with her and my tears.
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An armada of Order members invaded my while I clutched Lola in my arms. I didn't acknowledge their presence as they surrounded me. This was my last fleeting moment to have her in my arms, they weren't going to take that away from me. I continued to cry into her hair, ignoring the shuffling and whispers around me. I can't let her go, not yet. I cried harder and the realization was drilled into me further that I had one chance with her and now it was over; all I have left of her is knowing that with the one chance I did have I gave her my heart and my soul, even if it was for a short period of time.
"Sirius." I knew the voice; Remus's voice, it always soothed me but not this time, "Padfoot." He chocked out in a barely audible whisper.
I sniffled, trying to suppress my sobs but it was hopeless and I acknowledged him with a shake of my head. He put his hand on my shoulder.
"We have to go to Dumbledore." He told me.
I shook my head, "I'm not leaving her again."
"I know Padfoot but we have to go to Dumbledore." He said squatting next to me. He untangled her from my arms and gently laid her on the floor. When we got to our feet, I wrapped my arms around him, crying into to his shoulder, "I'll take us." He said quietly.
My world moved in slow motion as we walked through headquarters; my eyes were red and puffy and my face tear stained. The other Order members watched us walk through Headquarters, none of them knowing what happened but I knew what they were thinking and they were wrong; it wasn't them that I was crying over.
We didn't knock before we entered Dumbledore's office. He asked us to take a seat; my knuckles were turning white as I clutched the armrests of my chair. He asked me to explain what I knew and I told him I knew nothing.
"She died alone and that's all I know." I said through gritted teeth; I was slowly slipping away from the overwhelming feeling of grief and replacing it with anger, "You said she was the one." I yelled at him, getting to my feet so fast that my chair fell over, "You said she was suppose to help us; that she was special."
"She was special." He told me.
"I know she was." I said quietly, "But she's dead; she was no help, just another casualty, another one for us to morn."
"But…"
"No." I yelled, "No more. She failed and I failed her. I'm going to kill that son of bitch."
"Sirius, you can't do this alone." Remus said, grabbing my arm.
"We obviously can't to do this together either." I said ripping my arm from his grip and storming from the room.
The sun was fully up as I stood outside Headquarters and summoned my motorbike. I jumped on my bike without an idea where to go. I ended up at Knockturn Alley, half expecting to see him just marching down the street. I slumped to the floor in the gateway between Knockturn and Diagon Alleys; Remus was right, I can't do this alone. I'm hopeless…and loveless. Tears started to crawl down my cheeks again.
I swallowed my depression and pushed myself to my feet, mounted my bike and zoomed off into the late afternoon sky with a destination in mind. I skidded to a halt in front of Remus's house. I dropped my helmet next to the bike and dragged my feet up the path to Remus's front door.
"I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours." He said when he opened the door, "We…uh…you can have Lola's body to have a funeral, if you want of course."
I nodded slowly, "I was the only thing she had; if I don't, who will?"
Somehow Dumbledore managed to arrange a funeral at a muggle cemetery in the countryside. My hand touched the cold Mahogany wood of her coffin, eyes tightly closed and tears sliding down my face.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, "I should have gone home with you; I'm so sorry you went this alone. I love you; I love you so much that this is killing me. Please forgive me and don't stop loving me."
As many Order members came as possible, laying flowers a top her coffin around me, after my apology and telling me how sorry they were. I couldn't leave when the last one of the Members left the white rose atop her. I rested my head on her coffin, my tears dripping down the glossy wood; I want to hold her in my arms once more; I want to see her blush with any compliment. With my eyes shut I can still see her face, her warm eyes and gorgeous smile and I still smell her shampoo, almost believing that if I open my eyes she will be there. I felt a hand on my shoulder, I knew it was Remus but if I acknowledged him I would have to leave her…forever.
I straightened up, taking a couple steps back to stand next to Remus. The sun was disappearing behind the horizon and Lola was disappearing into the ground. Remus stood to my left wanting to comfort me but I wanted who would have been on my right, if it were any other circumstances; I needed James.
I stayed at Remus's that night, not sleeping at all.
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I got up with the sun; I debated whether or not if I should wait for Remus to get up, he's done so much for me these last twenty-four hours and I haven't acknowledged any of it. I decided against it, my plans would take me half the day to get to as it was and I have to stop at the cemetery before I leave.
I left a bouquet of red and white roses at Lola's grave before heading for my destination.
I landed my bike at the end of a muggle street. The houses were decorated with Halloween decorations and carved Jack-O-Lanterns sat next to the front doors. I really don't know why I came here. I wandered the streets of Godric's Hallow slowly knowing that I was trying to accomplish the impossible. I stopped at a park, sitting on the swing, rocking slowly on my toes.
Life seemed so impossible and hope was escaping me. I hate to admit that I can't picture a future without Voldemort's threat. I thought about my life in these last few years since graduation, we knew what was waiting for us outside of Hogwarts but we never knew how our lives would become so topsy-turvy. I wish with every once of what's left of me that I could go back, back to Hogwarts where my friends were all together and blissfully happy. I stopped swinging, finally wondering where Peter was? He wasn't at Lola's funeral or at Headquarters earlier yesterday before that.
The sun had set; the sky was still glowing blue along the horizon. The muggle children were running from their houses into the street dressed in their Halloween costumes. I weaved my way through them starting my path once again to my destination. A green glow in the sky caught my eye; the sky was just getting dark enough for it, the skull with the snake, to be visible. I began to panic and started sprinting.
I stopped dead in my tracks, standing across the street from the house that shouldn't be visible to me. The glass was blown out of the windows and the front door lay on the front lawn. I didn't travel far into the house before I stopped, my legs going numbing and collapsing on the floor at my best friend's feet. He lay still and lifeless like Lola. My body trembled as I used all the self-control I had left to keep my self from breaking down. I slowly got to my feet, trying not to stare at his lifeless body as I went in search of Lily and Harry.
The door to Harry's room was being held on by one hinge. I had to lift the door off the remaining hinge to get into the room. The scene in the room punched me in the gut. Lily's violent auburn hair was sprawled around her and her fingertips just barely touching her wand. Seeing the bundle of blankets next to her is what brought me to my knees in tears.
They were like my family; she my sister, he my brother and him, my own son. I was at his birth, their wedding; he was there when I ran away; we were together for our first transformations.
A muffled cry brought me out of my self-wallowing. I didn't know where it came from but the blue blanket next to Lily squirmed. I jumped to my feet, wiping away my tears. I pulled back the blanket and Harry stared up at me with his vibrant green eyes. I picked him up with a chocked laugh; I wiped away the small trail of blood on his forehead before holding him tight to my body.
I hurried from the house and came face to face with Hagrid.
"He's all right." I told him but he pointed his pink umbrella that held the pieces of his wand at me; I furrowed my brow.
"Give 'im here Black." He growled.
"No." I said shielding Harry from him, "He's my godson."
"Dumbledore's orders." Hagrid says, "I'm to bring Harry to 'im"
I looked down at Harry; I didn't want to give him to Hagrid and giving him up wasn't easy but I know whatever Dumbledore has planned for him is better than anything I can give him now. I slowly placed Harry in Hagrid's hands.
I summoned my motorbike, "Take it. Get him to safety quickly." Hagrid looked at me hesitantly but got on the bike.
Once Hagrid was out of sight, I apparated out.
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Peter lived in the town surrounding the Leaky Cauldron. I still knew I was looking for a needle in a haystack. I rounded the corner towards the Leaky Cauldron when I spotted him. The two-face traitor was making his way to the Leaky Cauldron, probably to celebrate with everyone else. I whipped out my wand and ran down the street after him, pushing aside the muggles that got in my way. I grabbed his shoulder and ripped him away from the door. His eyes widened in shock when he saw me, he knew why I was here. I held my wand at him, not caring about the muggles that surrounded us.
After I called him out on his betrayal, he started yelling about some hogwash about James being my best friend and betraying him. Some rubbish that I didn't really listen but when I raised my wand to bind and gag him, a loud explosion echoed in the street and I instinctively covered myself. When I turned back to where Peter once stood, there was nothing left but a gaping hole and his severed finger but a pack of sewer rats were just escaping.
I laughed at my own stupidity; the man wasn't as brainless as I thought he was. I was still laughing when the Aurors surrounded me in the street.
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There is no warmth here. I grabbed the cold iron bars, looking around the prison that has become my permanent home. I don't know where I screwed up that my life had ended up here; was it letting Lola go home alone or should I go back to first year when I met him?
He played such a small part in my own personal development and held such a small part in my heart but he was such a major part in my breakdown and the breaking of my heart; I will have my revenge and I will avenge everyone he hurt tonight.
October 31, 1981 10:59 pm
A/n: So please don't hex me, just understand that I didn't want to make the story AU; I wanted to write a cannon story.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed:
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Review one last time, for me please