Notes: Sorry for the long wait for the final chapter. This was a hard one to end. Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed. I think this was my favorite piece to write! As always, thanks to Mariel for being an awesome beta.
Danny was exhausted. Completely exhausted. But every time he closed his eyes, he was in the shed again. The sensation was so strong that he actually felt a chill in the air.
Jim had brought him home that afternoon. He'd told Danny that he would be happy to stay, but Danny had insisted that he leave by telling him that all he wanted to do was sleep. But now it was evening, and Danny couldn't even close his eyes. The doctor had given him something for pain and to help him sleep, but he never liked taking drugs. So he only took the pain pills when his stomach or hands became unbearably painful.
He'd tried eating the soup that Karen, his neighbor, had prepared for him, but it hadn't tasted good to him.
Nothing tasted the same. Nothing felt the same. He felt like he was coming out of his skin, but he didn't have the energy to get up and move. He couldn't go for a walk or a run. He just had to lie there on the couch and keep reliving his nightmare over and over again.
Finally trying to close his eyes once again, he was completely startled by the ring of his telephone.
"Christ!" he exclaimed. Taking a deep breath to compose himself, he picked up the phone. "Hello," he answered in a weak tone.
"Hey. It's Sam."
"Hey," he replied as he sat up.
"I'm downstairs."
Eyes widening in surprise, he asked, "You're here?"
"Buzz me up. It's freezing down here," Sam responded in an agitated tone.
Nodding, Danny hit the key on the phone to buzz her in.
A couple of minutes later, he heard a key in the door. Samantha knocked as she entered. "You decent?" she called out.
"Yeah." Danny smirked as his frown deepened. "Um…you have a key to my apartment?"
Samantha walked in, closed the door and went to the kitchen. After putting a brown bag down on the counter, she turned to him. "It's your neighbor's key. I forgot to give it back to her. We used it to get into your apartment."
"Right," Danny replied, closing his eyes for a moment as reality continued to set in.
"I hope things weren't too out-of-place when you got here."
"It wasn't bad," he replied quietly, feeling suddenly uncomfortable at the thought of Samantha going through all his personal things.
Samantha sat down next to him on the couch. "How are you feeling?"
Hesitating for a moment, Danny shook his head. "I'm tired. So tired. But I can't seem to sleep," he admitted. "I didn't expect to see you tonight."
"I hadn't planned on coming. Jack said you needed your rest," she paused, carefully considering her next words, "but then Martin told me he saw Emily Phelps at the hospital. That worried me."
Frowning again, Danny gave her a wry smile. "And what? Did you think you'd find her here?" he asked, looking around the small apartment.
Samantha bit her lip for a moment before responding. "Not really, but I'm the one who interviewed her. She's quite manipulative."
Danny nodded. "That she is."
"Do you…do you want to talk about it…talk about her?"
"Not really."
"I understand. It's personal. I just…I understand."
Danny smiled as he motioned towards the kitchen counter. "What'd you bring me?"
Samantha returned the smile, not surprised that Danny had changed the subject. "I stopped by that soup place down the street."
"Oh yeah? The one that always has the line out the door?"
"Yes. I braved the cold so I could bring you their special chicken soup. It's supposed to have healing powers. You hungry?"
"I didn't think I was, but now that you mention it…"
Minutes later, they were both eating from the large Styrofoam bowls. Danny could only eat about a quarter of the container before he felt full.
"Is it not agreeing with you?" Samantha asked, her voice full of concern.
"No. It's good. The doctor says I won't be able to eat like a normal person for at least another week. Apparently, your stomach shrinks when you don't eat or drink for over three days."
"Imagine that?"
Danny smiled as he watched Sam continue to eat her soup. They sat in a comfortable silence for several minutes before Danny finally spoke. "I wasn't in love with her, Sam."
Samantha looked up as she put down her soup and wiped the corners of her mouth with her napkin. "No?"
Danny shook his head. "No. I just met her at the wrong time…a time when I needed…something…someone. But I knew it was wrong. And I knew it wouldn't turn out well. I didn't imagine that all this would happen, but I knew it wasn't healthy for either of us."
"What do you want?" Danny asked as he watched Emily enter the room.
"I wanted to see…to make sure you're okay," she replied in a small voice as she sat on the edge of the bed.
Danny nodded as a frown formed in his brow. "Why didn't you want to make sure I was okay when the FBI questioned you? Why didn't you tell them what you knew?"
A look of surprised cross Emily's face, as though she hadn't expected that he'd confront her.
"What? Did you think I would just let that go, like I let the drugs and the blackmail thing go?"
Emily took a deep breath and then she finally responded. "I convinced myself that whatever happened to you was because of the stabbing. I didn't want to believe that Ben was capable—"
"Why didn't you tell them about the stabbing? I mean, when it was clear that I was gone, why didn't you just tell the truth?"
Tears filled Emily's eyes. "I-I…"
"Your career…"
"No."
"Yes," Danny replied. After sighing heavily, he continued, "I take responsibility for getting into a self-destructive thing with you. But when you needed me, I was still there for you. I never wanted to see you get hurt."
"I didn't want to see you hurt either. I made a mistake, but I did…I do have very real, very strong feelings for you."
"Feelings? A…a mistake? This?" he asked as he looked around the hospital room, "is a mistake? I almost died. Your crazy boyfriend locked me up out in the middle of nowhere. A mistake? You really are the definition of a narcissist. And I'm pretty sure you're not capable of really feeling anything."
"It's not like I haven't paid for it, Danny."
Danny smirked. "Oh, this will be good. How did you pay for it? Did the Congressman dump you?"
"When I told Agent Malone about Ben, he told me that I wouldn't be charged with anything. But that didn't stop him from calling the hospital and telling him my role in Ben's death and what happened to you. They kicked me out of the residency program. I've been blackballed. Everything I've worked for is over."
"Poor you," he deadpanned without an ounce of sympathy in his voice.
Emily frowned. "So that's it? We're done?"
"We were already done. I promised myself a long time that I would stop doing unhealthy things. I slipped up when I met you. I won't do that again."
"I'm sure that was hard for you," Samantha said quietly.
"Hard? That woman sent my life into a tailspin—"
"Some part of you must have cared for her. You gave her so many chances. As messed up as she was, I think she cared about you as well. She even tried to stop using for you. She realized what you could bring to her life, but I just don't think she knows how to love or to be loved," Samantha said. As she said it, she realized she was talking about herself as well.
Shaking his head, he responded, "I'm an addict, Sam. She was just a new vice, and I rationalized keeping her in my life even when I knew she was bad for me. That's it."
Samantha didn't respond. She knew he was just protecting himself. It was easier for him to pretend instead of dealing with his feelings, so Samantha let it go.
XXX
Two Weeks Later
"How you feeling?" Jack asked, taking a seat at his desk.
Sitting down, Danny responded. "Good. I'm good."
"I'm going to keep you on a desk for the next week or—"
"Come on, Jack. I'm fine. My stomach and hand are almost completely healed. There's no reason—"
"You went through a major trauma. I'd like to see for myself that you are fine before sending you out in the field That's non-negotiable."
"Okay," Danny responded, raising his hands in surrender.
"How are you sleeping these days?"
Danny smiled. "Excuse me?"
"Sam mentioned that you'd had trouble sleeping."
"That was like the first night I got out of the hospital. I'm doing much better," he lied. He hadn't had a full night's sleep since he'd gotten home.
Jack nodded as he took a moment to look at Danny. He really did look like he was back to normal. Other than slight bags under his eyes, the color had returned to his face and he even appeared to be gaining some of the weight he'd lost. But Jack knew, when it came to Danny, looks could be deceiving. He'd looked perfectly fine the two months prior to going missing. None of them had had any idea that he'd gotten mixed up with John Taylor or Emily Phelps until it was too late.
Jack braced himself for his next question. "In addition to desk duty, I'd also like you to get cleared by Dr. Harris."
Shaking his head, Danny started to rise from his chair.
"Sit down, Danny."
"I'm not seeing—"
"I said, sit down," Jack repeated firmly.
Sighing heavily, Danny sat back down. "I'm not seeing a shrink, Jack. I didn't get hurt in the line of duty. Nothing that happened to me had anything to do with this place. So you don't have the right—"
"I have every right to protect my team."
"Who are you protecting? Me? Or them?" he asked, motioning in the direction of the bullpen. "Because I'd never do anything to jeopardize them."
"I was thinking more about you. You showed poor judgment in your personal life. Dr. Harris could help you examine that."
Danny's eyes narrowed in disbelief. Before he could even think of what to say next, he responded, "I used poor judgment? Go to hell, Jack. You have no right…no right—"
"Oh no? Why didn't you go to the ER after John Taylor stabbed you? He committed a felony. As a federal officer, you were required to report it."
Closing his eyes, Danny shook his head. "That's not--"
"What about Emily Phelps?"
"What about her?"
"Do you make it a habit of sleeping with drug users and blackmailers?" Jack asked, but immediately regretted his insensitive tone.
This time when Danny stood up, Jack didn't even try telling him they weren't finished. He knew he'd pissed him off completely.
"Is there anything specific you need me to work on while I'm on desk duty?" Danny asked.
"Not at the moment. No," Jack said as he watched Danny walk out the door.
XXX
As Danny read through the file, his stomach felt like it was tying itself into knots. With the turn of each page, he felt more and more uncomfortable, as though the walls were closing in on him. He tried to take a deep breath, but his lungs felt constricted. Rubbing his eyes, he tried to refocus on the pages in front of him.
"I was wondering where you disappeared to."
Startled, Danny looked up like a deer caught in headlights to see Vivian walking into the quiet file room.
"Um…I…" Danny stammered.
"Are you all right? You look pale," she said as she walked towards him.
Shuffling the pages, Danny tried to close the file before she could see it.
When she reached him, Vivian caught sight of the folder. Looking down, she shook her head. "You shouldn't be looking at that."
At first, Danny couldn't respond, a mixture of embarrassment and apprehension making him temporarily mute. Finally, he found the words. "My name's on the file. If I can't look at it, I don't know who can."
"It's too soon, after everything, it's too soon."
"Come on, Viv. I think it's only fair that I know."
"Nothing we found out changes anything."
"Oh really? Jack feel the same way about that?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, his opinion of me has clearly changed. Not only am I on a desk until he deems me okay for the field, but he also thinks I need a shrink to work on my 'issues,' he responded as he motioned to his case file.
"Danny, that's got nothing to do with it. It's more about helping you deal with what you went through. You were trapped in a dark, cold room for three days. You can't possibly just get over something like that."
Motioning to his file again, he responded, "I've been through worse, as you just found out."
XXX
One Week Later
The week had been nothing short of miserable. Every time Danny caught someone looking at him, he assumed they were judging him. With his file a public record, it stood to reason that all the agents in Violent Crimes knew the truth about him, and he hated the worried, sorrowful glances of pity that came his way.
The environment within the team was worse because they were trying to pretend nothing had changed, as though they didn't now know every sad detail of Danny's life. Feeling so exposed, Danny felt more trapped now that he ever had in his three days of captivity.
His agitation was at its height as he sat waiting in Jack's office. Trying to take a couple of deep breaths, he tried to remain composed.
"Thanks for staying late," Jack said as he walked in. "I had a budget meeting with Van Doren. I thought it would never end."
Looking up, Danny nodded as he watched Jack sit down. "It's fine," he responded in a quiet tone.
He'd barely spoken to Jack all week, except to give him whatever case-related information he'd tracked down on desk duty. He was surprised when he'd gotten an e-mail from Jack asking that he meet him in his office at 5 o'clock.
"How'd things go this week?"
Frowning, Danny shrugged. "Fine. Did I miss something? I mean, I've been here all week."
"I know, but you've also barely said two words to anyone."
"Busy week," Danny replied in a short tone.
Jack nodded. "Well, I said that you'd only be on a desk for the week. I'm still not sure your ready, but—"
Danny interrupted. "Um…actually, I've been thinking maybe I shouldn't go out in the field."
Completely surprised, Jack responded, "What?"
"Yeah, I, um, I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. And I think maybe I need a change."
"A change?"
Danny nodded.
"What sort of change?"
Danny took a deep breath. "There's an opening in Legal Affairs. I talked to their SAC, and she says that she'd be interested in hiring me as long as I take the Bar exam within the next year. I figure having a nine to five job would be the best way for me to have time to study."
For a moment, Jack felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. "What…what…brought this on? If you need time to study, I'll give you as much time as you need. Legal Affairs is desk job. It's…it's securing warrants and bureaucratic litigation. I can't imag—"
"I just need something until I can pass the bar, then I'll probably leave the FBI," Danny responded in a matter-of-fact tone. He was trying to stay composed, trying not to let Jack see how this was tearing him a part.
"Danny, what's wrong? We just got you back. We don't want to lose you again."
"I'd just be upstairs," he replied, still trying to keep any hint of emotion out of his voice.
"You need more time—"
"I don't need time. I need to move on. This is the time to do it."
"What if I don't sign the transfer?"
Danny smirked. "You're seriously going to deny me the opportunity to further my career? Why?"
"Because you are a part of this team."
"It's just a job, Jack," Danny lied. It was everything to him.
"What's happened to you? What happened to you in that shed?"
Rolling his eyes, Danny laughed. "It's not about what happened there. Don't you get it? You don't see me the same way you used to. None of you do. And I can't take that."
"Nothing we found out about you changes how we feel."
"Right, Jack. That's why you think I'm this dysfunctional, damaged soul who needs therapy so I don't demean myself anymore."
"I don't think…" he started to respond and then paused as he careful chose his words, "All I said was that I thought you could benefit from talking to someone. You went through hell in that shed. And yes, it's also apparent that you went through hell in your past. I think…I think it's fairly remarkable that you've managed to turn out as well as you have. You didn't deserve any of the bad things that happened to you. All I'm saying is that you may need some help processing it. Let me get you some help. Don't run away, Danny."
Danny had to take a quick, deep breath to stop himself from losing it. He looked away from Jack, struggling to control his features. He had to do this. He had to get away, start over. Finally gaining the control he needed, he turned to Jack. "I don't want to run away...but I feel like the walls are closing in on me here, Jack. I need a change," he said firmly.
Three Weeks Later
"Did you go see your brother last week?" Dr. Harris asked.
Danny shook his head.
Dr. Harris didn't respond. She just waited.
"I called him," Danny finally said. He was sitting on the couch in her office. She was sitting in their adjacent chair.
"So you did talk to him."
Danny nodded.
"You want to talk about it?"
"We didn't say much. I just let him know I was okay. That's it."
"I'm sure that meant a lot to him," Dr. Harris responded in a gentle tone.
This was Danny's third session with Dr. Harris. Jack had told him he would support his transfer if he just went to see Dr. Harris or any doctor of his choosing for a month. So Danny complied, if for no other reason than to prove to Jack that he was fine.
"Any other contact with Emily?" Dr. Harris asked hesitantly. This was an area that he'd had trouble opening up about.
"Nope."
"How do you feel about that?"
Danny shrugged. "It's what I wanted."
"Still…it was the end of a relationship. That often takes time to heal."
Danny raised his eyebrows as he glanced at Dr. Harris. "It wasn't a relationship. It was sex," he responded callously.
"You don't believe she had feelings for you?"
Danny shrugged. "Doesn't really matter. I think if she ever cared about me a little, she would have been truthful with Sam and Jack about Ben Hancock."
"Do you realize that she is responsible for something really awful happening to you and yet, you don't sound that angry when you speak about her?"
Looking up at her sharply, he responded, "I'm angry."
"You don't seem that angry when you talk about Emily. Is it possible that you are minimizing what happened with Emily? Maybe you regret making yourself vulnerable to her?"
"I wasn't vulnerable. I wasn't in love with her. The only thing I regret is getting her help that night. That...was stupid."
"Still, you were more angry when you talked about Jack and how the rest of the team was treating you."
"Maybe I expect more out of them," he responded.
"How are things out there?" Dr. Harris asked as she motioned toward the office.
"Better, I guess. Fewer eggshells. But it doesn't change what they know. What they all know."
Dr. Harris smiled. "You're somewhat of a dichotomy, aren't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, before this, our sessions, my impression of you was that you could care less what people thought about you. You walked around this place with so much confidence."
"I am confident, but that doesn't mean I want the world knowing every detail of my life."
"Danny, you were missing. Your team and to a larger extent, this whole office, did everything in its power to find you. I understand this is all overwhelming, but have you thought about the alternative? What would have happened if they hadn't done their jobs so well?"
XXX
Later that day
"Your first day back in the field and it's definitely looking liked a dead-end stakeout," Martin said as he kept his eyes focused on the apartment building across the street.
"Probably part of Jack's master plan," Danny mumbled as he continued to read the Sports section of the newspaper.
"What?"
"Nothing," he replied as he folded the paper and handed it Martin. "I'll watch now."
Martin took the paper, but didn't open it. "So I hear through the grapevine that you put in for a transfer."
Not taking his eyes off the building, Danny shook his head. "The grapevine? Right. Was it Jack or Viv who told you?"
"Neither. The receptionist in Legal Affairs asked Sam if you were single. Seems she's laying the groundwork early."
"Great," Danny deadpanned. "Just what I need."
Martin smiled slightly as he started to respond, but then stopped. Not sure how to phrase what he wanted to say, he stammered, "I just...um...well—"
Glancing over quickly at Martin, Danny frowned. "What?"
"Nothing. I just...when I worked in white collar, we didn't really work as a team. I had a partner, but a lot of the work we did was separate."
Still frowning, Danny responded. "So?"
"I think the team we have is really good. I've really liked being a part of it that last six months, and I would just hate to see it go away so soon."
Danny first instinct was to say, he couldn't agree more. He'd loved being a part of the team, too, but instead he responded, "The team will still be there, with or without me."
"No. It would be different...a lot different," Martin replied. After taking a short breath, he continued, "I haven't known you that long, Danny, but I think you would miss it, too. I'm sure what you went through was a life-changing experience. I understand about wanting to make a change. I really do. But when I decided to make the move from Seattle, I was trying to run toward something."
"That's what I'm doing, too," Danny said, but his voice didn't sound convincing.
"No. It's not. It seems to me like you are running away—"
Rolling his eyes, Danny started to argue, but Martin brushed his arm. "That's our guy," he said as he pointed to the car that had just pulled up to the building.
Without saying a word, Danny exited the car. All he and Martin had to do was glance at each other to confirm the action they would take. Martin moved to head off their suspect, while Danny quickened his pace to cut the suspect off if he decided to run. Like clockwork, they worked together to apprehend and then question their suspect.
XXX
Later that night
Typing away at his desk, Danny was trying to complete his paperwork before leaving for the evening. Samantha and Martin were boxing up files to return to the file room, as Vivian spoke quietly into her desk phone.
Jack approached Danny's desk with a file in hand. "You have a minute?" he asked.
Looking up, Danny nodded. "Sure."
As Martin and Sam passed by wheeling the file cart, Sam said, "We're returning these. Danny's finishing up the report, and then we're out of here for the weekend."
"Sounds good," Jack replied as they wheeled the cart toward the file room. Turning his attention back to Danny, he leaned against the edge of his desk. "Dr. Harris says I should sign your transfer."
"Does that mean she deems me well enough to make decisions on my own?" he asked, voice slightly sarcastic.
"Actually, she spent the better part of the last hour telling me that I should have signed it three weeks ago. You have to understand what I...what we went through when we thought you were gone. Maybe I tried to dissuade you from leaving for more personal reasons that I cared to admit. It truly won't be the same without you, even if you are just upstairs," Jack said as he handed Danny the signed transfer papers.
Taking the papers, Danny traced his finger across Jack's signed name. Swallowing hard, Danny quelled the emotion that started to rise. Looking up, Danny watched as Samantha and Martin reentered the bullpen and started to gather their coats. Vivian also rose as she hung up her phone and then took her purse out of a drawer. Then, Danny looked up Jack.
Biting his lip, Danny tore up the transfer order as he gave Jack a small smile. "I, um, I'm not ready to leave yet, if that's okay with you."
Jack nodded as his lips curved into an almost smile. "Make sure you e-mail me that report before you leave tonight," he responded as he turned away. Walking towards his office, he tossed one, final comment over his shoulder: "Good work today, everyone."
Danny smiled as he turned back to his computer to put the final touches on his report.