A/N - This is going to be a slightly shorter story then my last one. Something different to work on before starting the sequel to And It All Falls Apart. And this story is definitely different. I tend to avoid writing stories in first person like the plague, but I thought it would be interesting to tell a Mer/Der story alternating between their viewpoints. So this story switches back and forth between Meredith's and Derek's POV. (I write from the perspective of male charecters even less then I write in first person, so my apologies if I completely butcher Derek. Hopefully I'll get the hang of it before the end.) Anyway, this story is a bit of a fun exercise for me. It's got a plot that I know won't happen on the show, although I do think the potential for this is there...that's why I wanted to write this I guess. Well, enough of me rambling. All comments and reviews are welcome! Also, it's important to remember that this story is about Derek Shepherd, the man, and not McDreamy. And yes, there's a difference. ;)

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Meredith

I think I'm becoming a second Isobel Stevens. Seriously, my world has turned that silent. A week ago, there was color and life. I felt things and I did things. Now, everything has just turned so numb. So silent and cold. I'm just like Izzie. She sits alone in her room, all day, every day. It's dark in there because suddenly she seems to hate the light. Maybe its because the hospital had lights in it, so the light reminds her of Denny? I don't know, I no longer have any idea how her mind works. Actually, I think it doesn't work anymore. I think she might have seriously lost her mind. It started going when she came up with her incredibly stupid idea to steal Denny a heart, and then when he died…the last shred of sanity she was holding onto for him? Well that just fucking disappeared too.

So now, she just sits there in the dark, living in a rumpled corner of her bed. She alternates between crying and staring at the wall. I think she's lost her mind. (I said that before, didn't I?) But yes, it's definitely gone. She isn't Izzie anymore, she's a shell of Izzie. And I'm a shell of Meredith. God, that sounds dramatic. If only I'd thought of that in high school, I would have scrawled it in big black letters over all of my notebooks. Dark black angst goes fabulously with pink hair. Or you know, with a cheating whore of a dirty mistress. Same thing, right? That's the real problem, if I'm going with honesty here…and I might as well try for honesty in my own mind. Everything is numb because of Derek. Everything is silent because of him, everything is nothing because of him. A week ago I was actively living my life, trying to be happy. I think I might have been doing a halfway decent job of it too, but I can't really remember. Everything that happened before I slept with Derek at prom has been stored away in a hazy back corner of my memory. Shell-of-Meredith doesn't have time to deal with stuff like that. She's too busy tiptoeing around the hospital, making sure her roommate doesn't starve to death, and of course actively not talking to Derek Shepherd. Actually, simply saying I'm not talking to him is a huge understatement. We're not just not talking, we're going out of our way to show how much we don't notice each other. It's this grand scale demonstration of just how much we are not speaking to, hearing, seeing, or in any way acknowledging each other's existence. It's terribly mature. I think I've played something similar to this before. In kindergarten. On a freaking playground. Oh well, Shell-of-Meredith seems to enjoy it.

Poor little Shell-of-Meredith. That's actually starting to sound catchy. I remember the exact moment when I transformed from me into her. Surprisingly, it wasn't when I had sex with Derek. I was definitely still very me then. Definitely still feeling things. Lots of things. Lots of excellent, Derek-induced things. My world turned numb and silent a little bit later. The whole transformation seemed to happen in slow motion as I walked across the hospital lobby to take Finn's outstretched hand. I stared at Derek the whole time. He was giving me that incredibly intense stare where his blue eyes turn navy and I start to melt and forget to breathe. I think we were trying to say stuff with our eyes, as if we could stare hard enough and somehow solve all the issues between us. I think my expression was a cross between "I'm sorry," "I can't," and "God, you're hot." The last one kind of wrecked the mood, but I couldn't help it. He was looking at me. That's part of the reason why I slept with him in the first place. Eye contact…it's the new excuse for adultery. (Classy Meredith, really classy.) Derek's eyes pretty much went from "Why are you walking towards Finn?" to "I can't believe you actually chose Finn" and then some more general shock and disbelief. He almost seemed hurt for a moment or two, but that vanished pretty quickly to make room for what I can only describe as the Death Glare (and yes, it deserves capital letters) that he shot at Finn.

And then we left. Finn and I. I don't know what made me walk over to him except that he was my date. I had already been rude enough. I couldn't just leave him standing there and run off for another round of exam room sex with Derek. Even though that would have been a lot better then the very awkward ride in Finn's car back to my house. And a lot louder too. Derek and I have always been loud. But that's not my point. I'm not supposed to think about Derek anymore. I'm pretending he doesn't exist.

Derek who?

Yeah…much better. Seriously, I don't think I'm even managing to fool myself here. I might be fooling Derek though because lately, he seems to have gotten pretty good at hating me. I leave prom with my date and ignore him for a day or two, and suddenly he has grounds to hate me? He seriously has a lot of issues with Finn. Maybe even more then I have with Addison. Plus, he deals with his issues by shooting me these piercing dark looks that just scream angry, hateful things about veterinarians while I'm stuck staring at walls and feeling sad and empty. It's simply not fair, his coping strategy is far superior to mine. Just thinking about it makes me want a drink. Actually, scratch that. How did I forget to include alcohol in my list of coping strategies? It dulls everything that's sad and empty and actually makes staring at walls more fun. That's it, I'm going to Joe's after work. It's been surprisingly long since I last visited Joe, he probably misses me (because he's a nice guy and not at all an asshat like Derek.) If only I could go there now, but no, I have to deliver lab results like a good little intern.

"Meredith!" That would definitely be Cristina. I should probably look up or at least try and reply. Nope…not fast enough. "Why are you staring at the wall?" she asks. Coping strategy Cristina, it's a coping strategy.

"Umm…no reason," I say, turning around and smiling hopefully at her. Maybe she won't realize that I'm slowly going crazy here. "I wasn't staring. I was thinking." Good job Mer, that'll fool her.

"Right…" See, she's not fooled. That tone right there is Grade-A Cristina Yang sarcasm. All that was missing was the complimentary eye roll. "I cannot wait for tomorrow," she says. Good, at least she's letting the subject of my possible insanity drop. What's tomorrow though? Oh right, OR time. "Finally get to scrub in again. I swear, one more day on sutures and I would've gone all Izzie Stevens on the hospital."

"Yeah seriously," I snort in agreement. And that is why I'm a horrible person. I'm laughing over the fact that my friend's name has become a synonym for a psychotic episode. But give me a second…I can justify this. It's her fault that the Chief banned all of us from surgery for an additional week after the prom. And I need surgery. I'm a surgeon. It's what I do. (Well all that plus the fact that scalpels help distract me from Derek.) So really, I should be able to giggle at her expense for a moment or two guilt-free. Not likely though, lately I haven't managed guilt-free anything. "At least it was only a week," I add, as I successfully tear my gaze from the wall. However, Cristina's giving me a funny look. It's very skeptical, very Cristina.

"So when are you going to tell me?"

"Huh?"

"About what's going on with you and Shepherd."

"Oh…nothing," I stammer. Hopefully that sounded casual. She raises an eyebrow at me, eyes darkening and her lip curling slightly. She definitely thinks I'm lying. However, what I said? It's painfully true. "Seriously Cristina, I don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing going on." Hmmm…apparently I'm feeling defensive today. I should just tell her, she is my person after all. But she's got Burke to worry about, I should spare her my Derek drama. I'm feeling very torn here.

"Whatever," she says. "You know I'll find out anyway. I always do." She always does. Crap. I probably should not have nodded when she said that. Now she knows I agree with her. Now she knows she's right. Yep, Cristina's smirking. She knows. "Gotta go Mer," she adds, looking down at her pager. "Joe's tonight?" I just nod as she walks away. I'm so ahead of her on that one.

But why is she leaving? Now I actually have to do something about the lab results I'm holding, possibly deliver them some time this day. Only, they go on the sixth floor and I'm down on two. That means one thing. The elevator. Maybe he won't be in there. We haven't done an elevator yet. I don't know how we've managed to avoid that one for a whole week. It's pretty much the perfect opportunity for the two of us to blatantly ignore each other.

He doesn't seem to be waiting for the elevator though, that's a good sign. I wish I wasn't feeling so tense, as if every muscle in my body had suddenly seized up. It's just an elevator ride…just an elevator ride…just a…crap, he's in there. Leaning against the back wall, his hair in his eyes, very McDreamy. Maybe he's getting off? Maybe this is his floor? Nope, not a chance. But now he has had time to see me standing there gaping at the open door. He's got the tiniest of smirks on his face, as if he's amused by my confusion. I've got to walk on, I've absolutely no choice in the matter.

I make it in a second before the doors start to close and stand at the opposite side of the elevator. Far, far away from Derek. Sadly far, far away is not actually that far when you're inside an elevator. Everything sounds painfully loud, the low hum of the elevator moving upward, the sound of Derek's breathing. Even the silence seems loud, as if it's not just the absence of sound but is really this huge living, breathing barrier stuck in the elevator between Derek and I.

I swear this elevator is malfunctioning because we still haven't reached the third floor. This is just my luck. Not only am I stuck on an elevator with Derek, but I'm stuck on an elevator pretending I haven't noticed he's on the elevator with me. That should be bad enough, but apparently the elevator isn't even moving.

The world hates me.

'3'

Okay, never mind. I just heard a definite dinging sound, and the little square labeled with the number three is glowing above the doors. We're moving, it's just at a pace that could put the geriatrics department to shame. I wonder if Derek notices how slowly we're moving…I could ask him. Only then I wouldn't be ignoring him anymore and bad things might happen. I need to keep ignoring him. I need to focus only on the little row of lights above the door. Only three more floors to go and I'll be safe. The only problem is Derek has already broken the rules of our game because I can feel him staring at me.

"Are we ever going to talk to each other Meredith?"

And now he's speaking. Freaking fabulous. The silence is shattered. Actually it's more then shattered, it's utterly and completely obliterated because his voice is low and soft and makes every single one of the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up. But no, we're not going to talk. Remember, you're ignoring him Meredith. I thought he was ignoring me too, but apparently not. He was just waiting until he had me cornered in an elevator. "Are we, Meredith?" he asks more insistently. I shake my head.

"No," I manage to say.

"No?" he echoes, crossing over to stand in front of me, so that I have no choice but to look at him. "You never want to talk about what happened? Don't you think we need to talk about it?" His little smirk has disappeared and his eyes are darkening again. I wish they didn't do that. It makes my heart race and I feel like smiling even though I'm mad. Derek simply looks…worried. Actually, I recognize this look. It's that hurt and confused expression he had for just a moment after the prom when I finally took Finn's hand.

"There's nothing to talk about. You're with Addison and I'm with Finn." Whoa…I've no idea where that came from. I'm with Finn? I haven't even talked to him since the prom. I've been in full on avoidance mode from everyone and everything all week. I probably should try and return at least one of his phone calls. But technically I haven't ended anything with Finn, so I guess that counts. "There's nothing to talk about," I add, sounding a bit more forceful.

"Finn…right." Derek starts glowering the second I say Finn's name, his eyes darkening even further. "You're with Finn." I nod, gasping slightly. Because…oh my god. His eyes.

"I'm with Finn," I repeat at last. I need to focus on Finn, on his impressive breakfast-making abilities, on the weather even. I'd gladly think about anything other then what I'm thinking about right now, because right now I'm trying to figure out if there's any possible way I can kiss Derek in the elevator without causing serious damage to my point that there's nothing for us to talk about. This is why I've been ignoring him. Ten seconds of conversation, and I'm already contemplating more inappropriate physical contact. I have a serious problem. "With Finn…" I stammer yet again, forcing myself to back away until I'm pressed against the rear wall of the elevator. Derek cocks his head to the side, his eyes boring into me.

"Just what is so great about Finn?" he asks, stepping towards me as he speaks. His voice has turned into this low, rough whisper that sounds injured and angry. The fact that we're once again only a few inches apart is not making it easy to follow the no kissing policy. I don't know why we always seem to argue with our bodies practically pressed up against each other. It's really hard to remain focused when I'm standing this close to Derek. I can't stop staring at the way his lip is curling just a little as he speaks, and how the fact that he is angry is giving his eyes the same heavy-lidded look they had in the exam room. I seriously need to start falling for unattractive men, because the way Derek's bracing himself against the wall as he leans towards me is sending everything spinning out of control. I think we are supposed to be fighting, but all I can feel is the sudden desire for more of this, more of Derek, more of us, more of this closeness.

"He's got…he's…well, Finn…" I hear myself stammer. I don't know how I'm managing to speak at all. My voice sounds faint and faraway but at least the fact that I seem to be talking means that I'm not kissing Derek.

"What Meredith?" Derek sounds exasperated, slamming his hand against the wall of the elevator as he speaks. Somehow, I manage to hear the soft little clink of metal on metal as his hand collides with the wall. My gaze turns towards his hand, but I already know what it was. His wedding ring. Married, married, married. The dizzying rush that was inching my lips closer and closer to Derek's is fading away because of that one, tiny little sound. I shake my head and move away, but Derek is still staring at me expectantly, his eyes demanding an answer. I wish I had one, it's a reasonable enough question. What's so great about Finn? My mind latches onto the only thing I can think of.

"Finn has plans," I snap. I've sure started putting a lot of weight on these plans. I don't even know what they are yet, just that Finn has them. But, I could probably use some plans. My life is one huge unplanned mess. Maybe that's what is wrong with me. If I had plans, I wouldn't have slept with my boss the day before starting my internship. If I had plans, I wouldn't have slept with him again at the prom. I also wouldn't have been seconds away from kissing him in the just now. And Finn's nice. He cooks and takes care of animals. He doesn't have a wife. I would probably like his plans.

"He has plans," says Derek scornfully. His expression looks surprisingly like a sneer. I don't know how Derek thinks he has the right to sneer about Finn when, out of the two of us, he is the one with the freaking wedding ring on his finger.

"Yes, he has plans," I repeat, growing angry. "He's honest and nice, and he likes me." I whirl around to glare at Derek when suddenly there is a loud ding and the doors to the elevator slide open. I don't believe it. The sixth floor. I've made it. Derek opens his mouth as if to speak, but I shake my head and start moving towards the door. There is no way that he is getting the last word in this. "That's more then you and I have ever had Derek…" The words come out in a low hiss because I'm halfway out the elevator and back into the open air of the hospital. Well, that was unexpected. Apparently I'm going to be calling Finn when I get out of work tonight.

Derek slumps dejectedly back against the elevator wall as the doors glide shut, and I turn away, breathing heavily as I sink down onto an empty gurney in the hallway. I made it out of the elevator without kissing Derek and I got in the last word. I should be happy.

Somehow I just feel empty.

Derek

I've always been one of those guys for whom things come easily. In New York it was just a way of life for me. The ideal internship, the successful career, the gorgeous wife. I'm not saying I don't work hard because I certainly did and do still. It's just that things have always had a way of simply falling into place for me, without much effort on my part. At least it always seemed that way until I came to Seattle. I suppose technically things started to shift and be less then perfect way before that. The moment I found my best friend screwing my wife simply being the most glaringly obvious example of this. However, Seattle brought Meredith, and she's the catch. She's why things haven't fallen back into place, she's why nothing is easy anymore. She's…well, she's pretty much impossible. That's the best way to describe her. She's impossible to get over and impossible to forget. The way she smells and feels and tastes, what her favorite food is, the way her eyes light up when she smiles…all of that is permanently etched into my memory.

Most of the time, she's impossible in a good way. But sometimes, like now, she's just fucking impossible to understand. She ignores what happened at prom, pretends it didn't happen and then goes out of her way to make sure the two of us are never alone for even a second. She does that for a whole week, taking long roundabout routes through the hospital and clinging to the other interns like a shadow. She won't even look at me after she leaves the prom with that overgrown boy scout she apparently wants to date. I know I don't exactly have a lot of ground to stand on when it comes to Meredith, but I didn't think a few minutes of conversation was too much to ask for. I finally managed to get her alone in an elevator this afternoon long enough to find out that it apparently was. There's nothing to talk about and she wants Finn.

He has plans.

I don't even know what Meredith means when she says that. He has plans? Everyone has plans. I don't see what's so damn special about being able to make a few plans. But apparently it's something because she brought it up in the exam room as well. I could pick up the phone and make a dinner reservation, and then tell her the two of us have plans. Somehow I don't think Meredith would be amused. And actually, neither would Addison. Wives have this funny habit of getting angry when they see you with your ex-girlfriend. They probably get angry when they find out you just had sex with said ex-girlfriend too, but fortunately Addie doesn't know that yet.

I thought about telling her. Sitting at home in the trailer, after I watched Meredith leave with him, I almost just blurted it out. I wasn't even planning any explanation or lead-in to what I was going to say. Simply, "Addison…I slept with her." I wouldn't have had to say her name, we both know it's always Meredith. I'm not sure what I was hoping to accomplish by telling Addison. I don't think I was even thinking at all. I just felt so cold. As if, when Meredith left with Finn, she stole away everything that was good and warm within me, leaving me hollow and blank and cold. After that I just wanted some sympathy, wanted someone to tell me what to do about Meredith. And Addison gives good advice. I used to come to her with all my problems, from stupid things like needing a tie to match a suit to the big things like an important surgery I was stressing over. Back when we took the time to talk, she always knew what to say. She would always manage to see something that I had overlooked. Somehow, I don't think she'd respond as helpfully now to my problems with Meredith.

Fortunately, Addison didn't give me the chance to talk. She just stared at me wide-eyed, her blue eyes seeming close to tears, before shaking her head and going to bed. She left me alone in the tiny dark kitchen, the words still lingering unspoken on my lips. I don't think I slept at all that night. I just sat there listening to the even sound of Addison's breathing, trying to pretend that Meredith leaving with Finn didn't feel like the freaking end of the world. I pretty much failed because a week later it still feels that way.

I've tried to imagine what Addison's reaction would be like if I told her, if she would scream or cry or throw things. Maybe she would simply accept it. Sometimes, I think she already knows, or at least suspects that I've slept with Meredith. It's something in that tired hurt look she gives me, the one that makes me feel like even more of a bastard then I already know I am. That look is why, after the first night, I haven't thought about telling her. I honestly don't see the point in telling her. She looks hurt enough, and this would only hurt her even more. Once I know more, once Meredith finally agrees to talk to me, then maybe I'll tell Addie. Maybe. Maybe she never needs to know the details. For now, we're just pretending that everything's fine. And that's what I'm about to do now, go home with Addison and pretend I'm thinking about something other then Meredith.

If I could just find my wife. The hospital lobby is pretty empty, and I sit down to wait for her. I've barely been sitting there for a minute, when I hear someone clearing their throat, and I look up to see that dark-haired ortho doctor…umm Dr. Torres I think it is.

"Dr. Shepherd," she says, practically spitting out my name. The way her eyes flash with subtle, unspoken resentment is even more impressive then Meredith's angry glare.

"Dr. Torres," I reply. Hopefully I sound casual, as if I've somehow managed to forget that she walked in on Meredith and I. God I hope that's not what she wants to talk about. Maybe Meredith told her everything, they do seem to know each other. But then, everyone seems to know Meredith. I just frown, looking at Dr. Torres expectantly.

"Your wife is looking for you." Her voice sounds bitter, dripping with scorn as the word wife rolls off her tongue. Well at least she's not here to talk about Meredith. I don't know why she's playing messenger for Addison though.

"Well I'm out her looking for her too," I say, tilting my head towards the row of chairs holding my coat and bag.

"Funny. I'd of assumed you were looking for Meredith," she says shortly.

"Dr. Torres," I begin angrily, straightening up at her words. Apparently the fact that I'm an attending and the head of my department doesn't get me any respect in this hospital. "Dr. Torres," I repeat. "I…" But before I can continue, George O'Malley has wandered over to us.

"Hey Callie," he says. Callie…that's her name. He's resting his fingers against her waist as he speaks, and when she turns to look at him her expression softens. Something clicks into place in my mind. George and Dr. Torres are together. That's how she knows Meredith. Good. At least it means he won't have any reason to try and sleep with Meredith again.

"Hi," Dr. Torres replies before turning back to resume glaring at me.

"Oh…hello, Dr. Shepherd," continues George, looking back and forth between the two of us. He frowns in confusion as I return his greeting. "Umm…am I interrupting?" he asks hesitantly.

"No, not at all," I say at once. "We're finished here."

"Yeah, we're done for now," says Callie, her voice equally blunt. "I'm ready to go George." She smiles and turns to leave with him, but manages to narrow her eyes in my direction one more time. I just sit there as they walk away, letting my head drop down into my hands once they're out of sight. I have no idea what I'm doing here. I wish like hell that I did, but…I don't.

When I finally look up again, there she is, halfway across the lobby. Meredith. She's talking on her phone, tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulders as she laughs. If only she didn't look so incredibly beautiful… Before I even realize what I'm doing, I've stood up and am walking towards her.

"Okay…I know, definitely. Tomorrow night yeah, I promise. I know, I know, I'm sorry. Alright, I've gotta go," she says into the phone, smiling as she closes it and slips it into her purse. I hope that wasn't Finn she was talking to, but somehow I'm pretty sure it was. I have to actually bite my tongue to keep from blurting that out.

"Meredith," I say quietly. She turns around, seeming surprised to see me standing there. The gentle smile on her lips fades away and she raises a questioning eyebrow.

"Dr. Shepherd," she says flatly. I hate when she does that. She knows it's Derek. But then, she probably does it because she knows I hate it.

"Meredith," I insist, using her name again.

"Doctor She…"

"Mer come on," I plead and she sighs.

"What, Derek?" she asks, giving in a little. She crosses her arms over her chest, frowning at me. "I'm busy here. I have a depressed roommate I have to go check on. Do you need something?" Well yes, I need her. I need her to stop looking at me like that, to come back to me, to forget that Finn ever even existed.

"Meredith, please…can we just go talk somewhere? I don't want things to be like this between us. You're too important to me," I say softly, and she seems to hesitate. At least she hasn't turned around and stormed off yet. She's eyeing me warily, biting down on her lower lip, but not saying anything. Unable to stop my hand, I reach out, just wanting to touch her. I brush the hair away from her eyes, my fingers running down the length of one loose wave. Meredith has always had the softest hair, sort of like silk. I feel her tremble slightly beneath my hand, but she doesn't pull away. She just stands there staring back at me, her green eyes wide and almost helpless. I can't help but think that maybe Finn isn't all that great because if he was, well…she would have pulled away already.

But then she does. I can feel her tense beneath my fingers, and she jerks away, slipping out of my grasp. She's staring at something over my shoulder. "Mer…what's wrong?" I murmur.

"Don't," she snaps, before turning her attention back to me. "This is wrong," she hisses as she adjusts her purse and turns around, hurrying out the door towards the parking lot. I want to follow her, chase after her and make her listen to me, but her words have left me with a heavy sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I turn around slowly to see what Meredith was looking at, but I'm pretty sure I already know who caught her attention.

"Addison…" I say quietly, as the two of us walk towards each other. Of course it would be her. Her expression is cold and harsh, something that could be described perfectly as "frigid bitch" if I didn't know that I completely deserved it.

"Are you ready to go now Derek, or are there any other interns you need to manhandle?" she asks. Her voice is clipped and as cold as her eyes.

"Addison…" I begin again, thinking about arguing. But I end up settling for just sighing heavily, and agreeing to go home with a nod of my head. We've already put on enough of a show in the lobby for one evening. It takes me a moment to realize that I'd left all of my stuff sitting over on the chairs when I went to talk to Meredith. Addison just stands there in the middle of the lobby, hands on her hips, waiting as I collect my things and walk back towards her.

The two of us walk outside and through the parking lot in total silence, the only noise being the constant click-clicking of her heels against the pavement. I should say something. I was only talking to Meredith, just talking. She knows we talk.

"Look, Addie…" I finally try as we reach the car.

"Derek, don't," she snaps as she yanks open her door and slides in. That wasn't the first time I've heard that tonight, and I have a feeling that it won't be the last either. I don't know how I'm supposed to solve any of this mess when I keep getting met with opposition from both sides. I sigh and get in as well, turning up the radio as I start the car.

At least, for a little while, the silence isn't so painfully obvious.