Secrets Rewritten

Note: For the purposes of this story, Jay and Spinner were not to blame for the shooting in any way. Just go with it. The basic premise: What if Emma and Jay had happened differently?

Part One: Study Date

Jay moves closer to her. She can feel his breath, warm on her neck. "You're tense," he says softly, his hands massaging her neck, her shoulders. It feels …

"I'm always tense."

"You'll snap in half if you don't relax …"

His hand slides down her arm, and she feels her pulse quicken. He moves even closer, so that their faces are almost touching. When his hand moves where it shouldn't, to cup her ass, her breath catches and her face goes red.

She could tell him to stop.

She could slap him.

She could kick him in the groin.

She could even march up to Alex, right now, and tell her that her skuzzy boyfriend just copped a feel.

But she doesn't do any of those things. She just stands there, forgetting how to breath, until JT's voice makes her remember. She moves away from Jay and onto the stage. She says her lines; she's the only one that's got them memorized. Alex and Amy are still reading from the script. And then – somehow, she can't help it, she looks back at him. His gaze is intense, lust-filled, and she … oh god, is she actually attracted to him? The possibility disturbs her even more than what he just did. Damn him.

Even after rehearsal, she can't get away from him – his car blocking her path as he not-so-gallantly offers her a ride. He's dangerous. He's trouble. Getting in the car with him would be stupid, and reckless. But she's had a gun pointed at her, and she's watched someone die, so just doesn't give a shit, and she gets in his car.

He calls, her "Greenpeace," tells her not get mushy when she implies he misses Sean too. He's not one to admit that he misses or cares about anyone, she thinks. But when they arrive at her house, before he lets her out, he tells her she should come down to the ravine, Friday night. He tells her they'll party, and it'll be fun, and it'll make her forget her troubles. He gives her the same look he gave her earlier, and she finally understands the expression "Undressing you with his eyes." Then he smiles at her, a smirk really, and she smiles back before she can stop herself, then bolts out of his car, blows past her parents with some excuse about pizza after rehearsal, goes up to her room, and tries very, very hard not to think about him. Anything, anyone but him.

It doesn't work.

The next day, there is a shouting match in the halls of Degrassi, between Jay and Alex. Several obscenity-laced insults are exchanged, and it culminates when Alex slaps him and storms off. They've been going out for a long time, Emma's heard, but apparently, it's all over now. She doesn't know how to feel about that.

Later, when she's reading in the library, he comes up behind her. She pretends she doesn't realize he's there, then nerves herself, and turns around to face him. "Are you lost, Jay? This is the library, not the ravine."

"Funny, Greenpeace."

"Don't call me that," she snaps, but he ignores it and sits down next to her. She hesitates, and then says, "So I guess you and Alex broke up?"

Jay lets out a snort of laughter, touching his face where she hit him. "Genius, Emma. What gave it away?"

She ignores his jibe. "You've been going out forever…"

"Yeah, I guess." For a moment, he looks almost sorry. "She just hasn't been that into me lately. I think maybe she never was. She's into … someone else. When I called her on it, she got pretty pissed, which I guess the whole school knows by now. So much for forever."

"Did you love her?"

His expression is incredulous, and then he laughs, shaking his head. "Emma, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. 'I love you,' is just something guys say to get girls to sleep with them. It doesn't mean anything."

"That's a pretty cynical outlook."

"It's the truth."

"No, it isn't. Maybe for some people, but not for everyone." She pauses. "So, I guess you said it to Alex, but didn't mean it?"

"No, I never did. We respected each other too much to play that bullshit game." There's bitterness in his voice, and something almost like sadness, or regret. She thinks he might have loved her, for all his protests to the contrary. Is he even capable? And why does she care?

"Well, I'm sorry you broke up."

"Are you really?" He gives her that look again. Damn. Why aren't the bad ones ever ugly? Must they all be hot?

"Why are you here, Jay?"

"Thought I might find you here."

"I have homework to do," she mutters, her face coloring again under his scrutiny. "And so do you. There's a big test coming up in Media Immersion for your year, my dad told me -"

"Oh please. I'll flunk it, as usual. Probably have to repeat the class at this rate, if not the entire year." He sounds unconcerned, and Emma bristles.

"Don't you even care?"

"What's the point?"

"Don't you want to graduate? Your future-"

"I'm not like you Greenpeace, I don't have a future!" He snaps. For a moment, she sees pain flash across his face. But then his "I don't care about anything" mask slips back into place.

"I could help you study," she blurts out without thinking. Jay stares at her like she's grown an extra head.

"Studying is not what I want to do with you, Emma. We both know that."

She glares at him. "Then I guess you don't get to do anything with me." She picks up her books and starts to leave.

"Wait!" He catches her arm, and she turns. "I'm …" He doesn't say, "sorry," but the implication of an apology hangs there between them in the air, and Emma looks less angry. "Make you a deal," she offers. "Study with me tonight, I'll go to the ravine with you on Friday." He appears to consider it.

"Okay. So where will we … study?" He smirks.

"Your place," she says boldly. Where the hell did that come from? God, she's got to stop blurting these things out before she thinks! She expects Jay to jump on the idea, but oddly enough, his face falls. The only thing worse than wanting him would be wanting him and having him reject her.

"Forge it-"

"No. My place. Fine." His smirk is back in place so quickly that she thinks she might have imagined his hesitation. "Pick you up after school?"

"Okay. I'll tell my parents I'm at Manny's."

"Ooh, bad girl." He leans in. Their lips almost touch, but Emma pulls back.

"Studying, Jay. Think you're smart enough?"

He moves away from her, slowly, smirking, as always. "Sure. See you soon, Greenpeace."