Disclaimer: If only it were mine...sigh!

Common Ground Tag

By Obsessed1

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Elizabeth nervously approached the Jumper bay, her heart clamouring to escape from her chest as it beat hard and fast in apprehension of seeing Sheppard. They had radioed in and told her that Sheppard was fine, that he was alive, but she still needed to see him to believe it for herself.

When she entered she saw that they had already exited the Jumper and the team and the marines that had been instrumental in the rescue mission were standing around Sheppard giving him handshakes, slapping him on the back and telling him it was good to have him home. Sheppard was standing in the centre of them, smiling, and appearing for all the world unaffected by his experiences away. She heard him laugh and took a moment to watch him. She hadn't known what to expect but she wasn't surprised to see him deflecting questions and hiding any feelings with a thick veneer of flyboy charm.

She parted the crowd and walked over to him, "Welcome back," she said managing to keep her tears of relief at bay. He turned to her; his skin was glowing, looking inexplicably young. She found herself looking at his hair. There was no sign of grey. She stepped forward and gave him an awkward hug.

"It's good to be back," he said. He smiled and she didn't miss that it failed to reach his eyes.

"We should get you to the infirmary and checked out," said Beckett stealing his attention.

Sheppard groaned and scrubbed a hand through his hair, "I'm fine Carson," he said and gave him a puppy dog expression which pleaded for him to be let off the hook, "I feel really good right now." He was unconsciously flexing his fingers, bounding up and down on his heels and looking at everyone with wide, if slightly glassy, eyes. If Elizabeth hadn't known better she would have said he had taken something. There was something off about his demeanour, his manic cheerfulness, the way he wouldn't really meet anyone's gaze.

"I'm sure you do," said Beckett, "but I still need to check that the aging process didn't cause any permanent damage." He crossed his arms over his chest in a well practiced gait that said Sheppard couldn't get out of it, "I promise I won't keep you longer than necessary."

Sheppard nodded, "Okay, but I'll hold you to that."

"Mind if we join you?" asked Mckay turning to him and flanked by Teyla and Ronon.

Sheppard rolled his eyes, "Sure. I guess I'm the new science project huh? Everyone wants to see the amazingly youthful man." The words were forced out, strained, and it would appear his 'top of the world' appearance was carefully cultivated.

"We're just concerned," said Teyla patting his arm.

The move was barely perceptible but he flinched.

"Mind if I come?" asked Elizabeth.

His eyes finally met hers; hollow and dead," More the merrier."

He strode out of the Jumper bay and motioning with one hand, "Are you coming?" he shouted over his shoulder.

----------

Beckett pocketed his penlight and crossed his arms thoughtfully.

"So how's he doing?" Elizabeth asked as Beckett wrote down the results from his battery of tests. She kept her voice low.

Sheppard was sitting on the infirmary bed, swinging his legs back and forth, and carrying out a conversation with Mckay. His hands were planted back onto the bed and he was leaning casually. The way he was acting, for some reason, Elizabeth found it infuriating.

"He's doing remarkably well. I can't find any signs that indicate he was fed on. His blood pressure is slightly elevated and his heart is racing, but aside from that, he's healthy."

Sheppard continued to swing his legs back and forth and Elizabeth was mesmerised by his nonchalance. Even if she knew it was forced. It had to be.

"Is he okay?" asked Elizabeth.

Beckett looked over at Sheppard, "He's hiding it well."

"He seems a little-"

"High?" Beckett finished for her with a nod, "I'd say he has a surplus of adrenaline circulating at the moment. I know you're worried and frankly, so am I. He appears healthy but there has to be psychological repercussions from this."

The both turned back to him in complete synchronicity.

"So I'm good to go?" asked Sheppard looking over to them with wide eyes. He was tapping his legs now, full of excess energy, wired like a Duracell bunny.

"I'd say so," said Beckett, "I would like to keep you in for overnight observation."

"No," said Sheppard with a wave of his hand.

Beckett continued, "- but I really see no reason to keep you in here. If you start to feel unwell I expect you back here though."

"Are you sure you're okay?" asked Elizabeth narrowing her eyes.

He looked at them all individually and then hopped off the bed, "I'm alive," he said, "I don't know how, or why, but I'm still here."

They were all sharing nervous glances, not really knowing what to say, or how to treat Sheppard. He had a nasty habit of glancing over events which affected him. In his time on Atlantis he had never disclosed any of his fears or voiced regrets. He simply pushed them away, compartmentalised them, and then conveniently forgot about them.

"I can't believe that the wraith can give life back," said Mckay.

"It's certainly an interesting development," said Beckett, "However, we don't have any idea how that would effect the body." He looked over to Sheppard.

"I'm not staying here tonight," he said shoving his hands into his pockets.

"You shouldn't have let him go," Ronon said.

Sheppard met his eyes, "We made a deal. And I'm not in the habit of breaking them."

"He is wraith," said Teyla.

"And he knows about Atlantis." Ronon argued.

"He won't tell," said Sheppard. He couldn't understand what their problem was. Wasn't having him standing here animated and alive enough for them? It seemed they wanted to question his decisions and motivations and really none of them knew what he had endured back there.

"You trust him?" Teyla asked.

"Look…without him, I wouldn't have got out of that cell. And without him I would be dead."

"He fed on you," said Mckay.

"I know," said Sheppard rounding on him, "I was there…remember?" Just thinking about it made his chest burn uncomfortably. If he blinked slowly enough he could still see the wraith looming over him with his outstretched and hungry hand.

"I think it would be a good idea if you spoke to Heightmeyer about this," said Beckett.

"I don't want to talk about it; in fact, I'd rather erase the whole episode from my mind."

"You might think you're okay but-"Beckett was cut off before he could continue.

"Look," The words came out rushed and harsh and Sheppard held his hands up as if they were pointing guns at his head, "I'm really okay."

"Are you?" Elizabeth asked again.

He narrowed his eyes, "What do you want from me? Do you want me to react? Punch a wall, cry inconsolably-"

"I just think-"

"Why don't you all go talk to Heightmeyer. You guys had to watch it," he countered before Beckett could finish.

"We are," Ronon added.

Sheppard raised his eyebrows, surprised at the admission, and swallowed hesitantly before continuing.

"Well then, you do that, but I don't want to relive the shittiest day of my life. I want to move on and…" he paused, "I want to get some lunch and go to bed and wake up in my quarters and not on the floor of some grotty cell." He put his hands on his hips.

"We'll join you," said Teyla.

"I don't need babysitting."

"Well maybe we're hungry too. We've been searching for you and haven't eaten either." Mckay said.
"Oh," Sheppard looked down at the floor, "Okay. Well let's go, if that's okay with you Doc."

"That's fine."

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Sheppard joined the lunch queue and picked up a tray. He moved down the line behaving like a man who hadn't just been imprisoned and fed on for two days.

He didn't notice Ronon, Teyla and Mckay all sharing glances behind his back.

"Do think he's okay?" Mckay whispered as he reached for utensils.

"Colonel Sheppard has a habit of-" Teyla stopped speaking when she noticed Sheppard covertly angling his head towards her.

"So, what have we got today," said Mckay clearing his throat loudly and trying to break the silence, "I'm starving."

Have you ever felt starvation Sheppard?

McKay saw Sheppard's back stiffen, but he didn't say anything, just continued up the line.

"Oh man!" Sheppard suddenly slammed his hand down onto the counter with frightening force. The counter shook, the utensils rattled and the glass wobbled in its hinges. The whole room seemed to look their way, a crowd of faces all nosily trying to work out what was going on.

"What is it?" Mckay asked wondering what had got the man so irate. Sheppard's face was contorted into one of pain, his breathing becoming erratic, and his eyes wide. He sighed and put his hand up to his head and Mckay was about to reach forward to steady him when Sheppard spoke.

The words which escaped his mouth weren't the ones that Mckay had been expecting. "Who ate the last turkey sandwich?" he turned to the lunch crowd and tried to eye everyone's trays for the elusive snack, "Dammit!" he turned back to the counter and picked up some meatloaf, "I hate meatloaf," he grumbled as he continued up the line. He reached out for some juice and another hand grabbed it before he could get it, "Son of a bitch," he muttered and picked up a glass to get some water.

He shook his head and angrily walked over to one of the tables and placed his tray down. He sat and dug his fork into the meatloaf, stabbing it repeatedly and muttering under his breath about it having the consistency of cardboard.

Mckay sat opposite him as Ronon and Teyla placed their trays down.

"So, I wanted to thank you guys," said Sheppard as he prodded his food. He didn't lift his eyes.

"You do not need to thank us," said Teyla.

"Yeah I do," said Sheppard, "I knew you wouldn't leave me there."

He stared at his meat loaf with disgust.

"We got lucky. Laden gave us the location," said Mckay as he dipped his spoon into his soup.

"Laden helped you?" Sheppard seemed surprised, "Looks like I didn't permanently brain damage the man."

"No," said Mckay.

"I tell you one person I'm going to damage," he stabbed his knife into his meatloaf with excessive force, "-Kolya. Rat bastard."

"Speaking of rats," said Ronon changing the subject skilfully.

"Rodney shot a…mouse?" said Teyla with a smile.

Mckay gave her a look. His eyes were still wide and panicked by Sheppard's displays of overt anger.

"A mouse?" said Sheppard. He seemed to calm, his shoulders relaxing, and his hold on his knife shifted from white knuckled death grip to loose indifference. He actually grinned. It wasn't natural, in fact, there was something remarkably creepy about the way he was smiling.

"I saw movement and I reacted to it," said Mckay with a shrug. He didn't know how Sheppard could carry on normal conversation and be so damn cheerful. He had been fed on by a wraith and he was acting as if it was just another day's work. His mood was noticeably changeable, switching from happy to pissed off in a matter of seconds. There was no doubt in his mind that Sheppard needed to talk to Heightmeyer about his experience.

"Mice aren't generally armed with P90's" said Sheppard with a wry grin.

"It was more like a rat," Mckay argued.

Sheppard drank some of his water and Mckay couldn't miss the shake of his hands. On noticing, Sheppard put the glass down quickly to mask it.

"So why are you so happy?" asked Mckay dropping his spoon. He couldn't help it. His mind always seemed to ponder a question and then he'd find himself saying it.

Sheppard looked up at him with a puzzled expression, "Would you drop it?"

"No, I'm intrigued."

"Before you guys turned up…that wraith drained all of my life. I was a breath away from dying and he brought me back."
"Why did he take your life?" Ronon asked shovelling his food into his mouth.

"He needed my strength to fight the Genii guards and-"
"You let him?" Mckay interjected.

"No, I didn't let him I-"

"He took it by force?" asked Teyla with a surprised expression.

"And you still let him go?" Mckay looked incredulous.

"No, I…look I told you about our deal….anyway, he gave it back and-"

"You are simply glad to be alive," Teyla finished for him. From previous experience, she knew that Sheppard had difficulty in articulating his feelings. Under the pressure of their questioning, she realised that he needed help and support and not an interrogation.

He turned to her slowly, "Yes exactly."

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Sheppard awoke suddenly in his bed, slick with sweat, chest tight and aching. It had been a dream. Another inescapable dream.

He'd gone to bed after his dizzying levels of energy had dropped, leaving him exhausted. He imagined it was close to the hypoglycaemic reactions that Mckay suffered from. It was when his high had gone did he really start to feel……everything. Everything was too loud, every sensation wrong and he felt dislocated from his reality.

He reached down, pulled down the top of his t-shirt and ran his fingers over smooth skin. There was no scar, there was no blood. He touched his face, checking the familiar lines, and sighed when he realised he wasn't aged.

He hooked his legs over the edge of the bed, bare feet touching the cold floor and reminding him by sensation that he was alive. He pulled on a pair of sweats, his trainers and left the darkness of his room for the peace of the balcony.

He stood and watched the sea undulate below him, peaceful waves, gently lapping and caressing his city. There was no brutality in its touch, no attempt to damage it. Like Kolya had tried to damage him.

Sheppard rubbed at his face, worked out the tension in his shoulders and then breathed in as much oxygen he could stand. Until his head was dizzy and there were little flashes of light dancing in front of him. He wanted to feel alive.

"John?"

He jumped involuntarily, the past few days, had made him a nervous wreck. "Elizabeth," he said without turning to her.

"Are you okay?" she asked coming to stand beside him. Her arm brushed his and he intentionally side stepped. Contact made his skin crawl. Had done ever since…….

"Couldn't sleep," he admitted hoarsely.

"Have you considered speaking to Heightmeyer?" she said peering over the edge of the balcony and down at the sea.

"I'm not going to," he said not meeting her gaze, "I'm fine."

"Why don't I believe that?" she said.

He swallowed convulsively, nausea gripping his stomach, head throbbing and pulsing as he stood there.

"John, you were fed on by a wraith."

The same old statement. It seemed everybody else had a problem with it. Why couldn't they just accept it and forget it like he could?

"The rest of the team are talking to counsellors. I think maybe-"

"No," the word escaped him in one harsh breath, the force of it taking him by surprise, "I don't want to talk about it."

"I can't force you," she said tapping his arm.

His fingers clenched, knuckles whitening, at the contact. It made him squirm, made him uncomfortable. Made him feel the wraiths hand on his chest, pulling out his life force and leaving him numb.

"Elizabeth," he said quietly.

She removed her hand and folded her arms.

He couldn't get the words out, didn't know what to say. He didn't know how he was feeling; all he knew was that it was beginning to make him feel physically sick.

He didn't want to tell Beckett that ever since he had got back he had been throwing up, that he was plagued by nightmares and phantom chest pains. That physical touch sent shivers running through his body. That he had the shakes continually.

He didn't want to have to admit to Mckay that although he berated him constantly for being scared and weak, he had in fact been terrified the whole time he was with Kolya and that wraith feeding on him had been one of his greatest fears.

He didn't want to tell Teyla that he lacked the strength to kill that wraith. The species she hated beyond all other.

He didn't want Ronon to know that he had felt a modicum of compassion for that wraith. A species that had put implants under his skin and tracked him like an animal.

And he didn't want to tell Elizabeth that he was scared now. Scared of human contact for fear it might give him awful flashbacks. Scared that he would lose control. Scared to admit that it had been a nightmare experience.

Scared to be alive.

His high had worn off, tiredness creeping into his body, aches he hadn't realised he had beginning to hurt his muscles, a headache flaring up at the base of his skull.

"I'm going to go and get some sleep," he said stepping away from the balcony and hoping that Elizabeth couldn't read his weary etched expression.

"Goodnight John."

"Night."

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He got back to his room without seeing anyone and passed his bed and went straight into the bathroom. He pulled his t-shirt off and stood in front of the mirror, staring at his expression and running a hand over his chest. There was no mark there and yet it hurt to touch. His brain wasn't accepting that he was really okay, couldn't connect with series of events that had left him alive. He leant against the wash basin and breathed out heavily.

He could remember the sensation of being fed on with such clarity that his chest burnt and he could feel his energy seeping out of him, control spiralling away with his falling adrenaline levels.

Unexpectedly he suddenly felt dizzy and sick, his hands were shaking and as he swallowed against the rising bile in his throat he knew that he was going to be sick.

He made it to the toilet just in time to watch the meat loaf he had eaten earlier resurface. He heaved continually, his chest straining, his throat burning as he leant awkwardly.

He slammed his hand down onto the edge of the toilet and cursed as another bout, produced watery bile and nothing else.

"Fuck," he whispered quietly as he wiped his mouth.

He slumped across the toilet seat, face resting against his arm, and he groaned.

His body felt like it was shutting down on him. He felt exhausted, his body spent, his stomach cramping spasmodically against a reaction he couldn't stop.

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Mckay approached Sheppard's door and raised an eyebrow when he saw Ronon and Teyla approaching from the other end of the corridor.

"What are you doing here?" he asked leaning against the doorframe in an attempt to look as natural as possible.

"We came to check on the Colonel," said Teyla.

"Me too," said Mckay.

"He's probably sleeping," said Ronon his emotionless voice rumbling through them.

"He won't be sleeping," said Mckay, "With the day he's had, he'll be awake."

Teyla checked her watch and seemed to reconsider, "Perhaps you are right Ronon."

Mckay sighed and knocked on the door loudly, "I know Sheppard. He'll be up. Sheppard!"

There was no answer and Mckay pressed his ear up against the door, "He's awake, I know it" He pulled back and sighed.

It was just then that they heard the sound of retching coming from inside.

They all looked at one another, Mckay bypassed the door controls, and they entered the room together.

Mckay walked straight through to the bathroom and found Sheppard slamming his hand down onto the floor as he dry heaved.

"Are you okay?" Mckay asked as he knelt down next to him, wrinkling up his nose, and placing his hand on Sheppard's shoulder. Sheppard's pain was palpable as he looked up at him, face white as a sheet, eyes watering. He looked down at Mckay's hand and he retracted it.

"I'll call Doctor Beckett," said Teyla leaving quickly.

Sheppard sat down onto the floor when he had finished and Mckay flushed the toilet for him.

His head dropped down and he listed to one side, eyes heavily lidded and closing. Ronon caught him before he could fall and held him up by placing his hand squarely on his chest.

Sheppard's eyes snapped open in an instant and he tried to back away from the hand, his eyes wide and unseeing, his face pallid and sweating. "Get off!" he said scrambling back until he could go no further. He pushed himself between the toilet and the wash basin and held his hands up, "Don't……touch me."

"Sheppard it's okay, its us," said Mckay shooting Ronon a look. "Why did you do that? That's where they fe-" He clamped his mouth shut, "Sheppard. You're on Atlantis."

"No," said Sheppard resting his head down onto his knees, not having the energy to keep his head up, "Go away."

"You're not well Sheppard," Ronon stated crossing his arms over his chest.

"Just leave me to my misery," he groaned into his knees.

"Misery loves company," Mckay offered with a grim smile and reached up for his face cloth, dousing it with cold water and then attempting to get Sheppard to get him to look up.

Sheppard grabbed the cold rag and tossed it to the floor, "Leave me alone. I'm fine, just…..go," he murmured silently.

"I knew you weren't okay," said Mckay.

Beckett entered the room and Mckay moved out of his way so he could get to Sheppard.

"Colonel?" Beckett turned back to the spectators, "What happened?"

Sheppard didn't move.

"We found him vomiting in the toilet," said Mckay closing the toilet lid and sitting on it.

"John?" Beckett gave him a light tap on his hand and Sheppard didn't move.

"This is bad isn't it?" said Mckay.

"John, wake up."

"Why isn't he moving?" asked Ronon.

"He's unconscious," said Beckett. He tapped his radio, "I need a gurney down to Colonel Sheppard's room immediately."

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Elizabeth entered the infirmary and found Ronon, Teyla and Mckay all taking up beds while Beckett tended to Sheppard. Sheppard was lying curled up on his side, the covers pulled up to his chin and he was shivering uncontrollably even under the swathes of blankets he had.

"Just leave me alone," he said loudly as Beckett talked to him quietly.

Beckett patted him on the shoulder and walked over to Elizabeth, pulling the privacy curtain as he went.

"Carson, what happened?"

"I should have expected this, I'm sorry," said Beckett dropping his head.

"What?"

"I just got his blood work back. He's got a significant amount of the wraith enzyme working its way through his system. He's suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms."

"Withdrawal?"

"We know that the enzyme is released on feeding and that he was fed on at least three times," said Beckett.

"Four," supplied Teyla.

Beckett looked over to her, "Four?"

"He said the wraith took all of his life at one point," said Mckay from where he was sitting.

"When did you find this out?"

"Over lunch," said Mckay, "You know normal lunch conversation."

"The wraith took more of his life?" Elizabeth asked, "And he still let him go?"

"We already had this conversation," said Mckay with a flick of his hand, "He made a deal." He scowled and shook his head, "He should have killed it."

"I agree," said Ronon.

"Well," Beckett said assimilating the new piece of information and composing himself, "we know that the enzyme is released to aid the feeding process. It would seem that by giving his life back to him a far more significant amount was released into his blood stream and its decreasing levels are causing him to go into withdrawal."

"From being fed on?" Mckay asked, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline.

"You're sure?" Elizabeth asked.

"It would explain his high when he got back and his sudden decline in health." He paused and wringed his hands together, "I'm afraid we don't know what to expect. You remember what happened with Ford?"

"He got violent," said Teyla.

"Aye." Beckett unconsciously massaged his throat and nodded, "We can expect nausea, vomiting, fever, cold sweats-" he paused and shook his head, "-basically, its going to get worse before it gets better."

TBC

Okay so I'm writing two other fics I know………I'm going to get this one done before the others. This will probably be about three or four chapters long. Not Alone and Painful Reminders will be resumed shortly after. But I'm sure you can all wait……please.

Please review and give me some motivation.