Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me.

Chapter 1:

Forgive Thyself

I did what I had to do…there was no other way. She would have killed us all.

Logan sighed wearily as he sat up in bed, planting his feet on the ground. There would be no sleep tonight. Not for him.

Kill me

She had asked him to. Begged him. Pleaded. She had known what was inside of her. Known she couldn't stop it. Known she couldn't control it. She had known death was the only answer. Accepted it.

But Logan could not. He could still smell the sexual tension radiating off her body. Feel her nails digging into his skin. See the unmasked want in her eyes. Hear her breath in his ears.

No, Logan would never accept her death. He couldn't.

There had to have been another way.

Groaning, Logan stood up and walked over to his bedroom door. He eased it open and slid out into the hallway. Not even a floorboard creaked as he made his way over to the grand staircase. Logan descended the stairs and made his way in the direction of the kitchen. He pushed open the kitchen door and switched on the light as the door swung shut behind him. The only other sound besides his breathing was the hum of the refridgerator.

Logan pulled open the fridge and made a face at what he found inside. It looked as thought no one had done any shopping recently. Logan wasn't altogether surprised. The last few days had been hectic. Alcatraz Island, Jean's burial, a going away party for Hank…there just hadn't been any time for a trip to the grocery store.

Reaching inside to grab a cold can of soda, Logan made a mental note to himself to remind Ororo they needed groceries. A soft rustling sound soon alerted Logan that he was no longer alone.

"Can't sleep?" he asked upon turning around to find Ororo taking a seat at the counter.

The dark skinned woman yawned. "Some of the younger ones are still having nightmares. It takes a while to calm each of them down."

"How many tonight?"

"Three. Artie, Leech, and Melody."

Logan nodded at the mention of each name. He handed his soda to Ororo and re-opened the fridge to pull another one out for himself. He pulled out the chair opposite of Ororo and sat down. "How much longer do you think the nightmares will last?"

"It's hard to say. Everyone here has a troubled past. Since the death of Professor Xavier old demons have begun to resurface in the minds of the children. It could be a passing phase and go away in a couple of weeks…or it could become routine." Ororo shrugged helplessly as she opened her soda. "What are you doing up so early in the morning? I can't imagine you comforting students in need."

"I still see her. Every time I close my eyes I can see her…hear her…feel her."

"There was nothing you could do to change things, Logan. There was nothing any of us could do. Jean knew as well as we did that she was a danger to herself and everyone around her. No one could stop her—not even herself. You had no choice, Logan. Stop beating yourself up over it. What is done is gone," said Ororo softly, reaching a hand out to grasp Logan's.

"But there had to have been another way. We could have cure her with that damn cure!" snapped Logan pulling his hand away. "She didn't have to die!"

Ororo lapsed into silence, going over Logan's words in her mind. There was a truth behind them that she couldn't bear. The cure. Jean could have been cured. Had the psychic know that? Had Jean known death wasn't her only option? Or had she decided against the cure, not wanting to face the ramifications of the time spent as her alter ego, Phoenix? Killing the man you loved and the man who had helped raise you into adulthood were two things Ororo couldn't imagine forgiving oneself for.

When Ororo spoke her voice was barely above a whisper. "I don't think Jean would have let us cure her."

Logan gritted his teeth and stood up, gripping his can of soda in his hands.

Ororo watched as he turned to leave the kitchen. "You have to more on, Logan. Forgive yourself and let of the past."

Logan froze, his back stiffening at her words. "Never." Then he was gone, the door swinging shut in his wake.

The gruff mutant made his way back into the foyer and down the hallway to the back door. He pulled it open and stepped outside, reveling in the cool breeze. He shut the door behind him and took a seat on the front steps.

Please…kill me.

There had to have been another way. He shouldn't have listened to her. He shouldn't have fought to save her. He shouldn't have given up so easily.

I've lost her twice now. I let her go twice.

Logan opened his soda, not noticing as it fizzed out and over his fingers.

The most important person in his life was now gone. He had let her slip through his fingers forever. Logan could never follow her now. She would never be his. How could he have let her down like that? How could he have let her die?

Forgive yourself and let go of the past.

Was Ororo right? Should he move on? Bur for what reason? What more did Logan have to live for now? Jean was gone.

The sound of a window creaking open made Logan glance upwards. All he could see was the roof of the back porch, but he knew exactly which window had opened.

Rogue.

He had promised that he would take care of her no matter what. It didn't seem as though he had made good on that promise. She was an adult now. Eighteen. Cured of her powers forever. And yet, Logan had a feeling that she needed him now more than ever. She need him to be the adult now.

She's turning out to be too much like me. Independent.

Logan hadn't blamed her for wanting to get the cure. He would have done it too once upon a time. Xavier could call it a gift until he was blue in the face, but Logan knew Rogue had never been convinced.

Incapable of human touch. Untouchable. All gone with one shot.

Now Rogue was human. Normal. Different. It was the start of a whole new set of problems. Rogue was now the only non-mutant in the mansion and Logan knew she was growing restless doing nothing. She was itching to go out on her own and travel. See the world. Logan knew that whatever she did now would lead her down a difficult path…just as he had once had.

What is done is done.

It was time to let go of the past and concentrate on the future.

"This place is startin' to turn my brain to mush," grumbled Logan to himself. But deep down he knew he wouldn't have it any other way.

Taking a deep breath Logan gazed out at the night sky. A few stars dotted the blackness, shining softly. The leaves on a nearby treed stirred with the wind. He could sense that it was time to let Jean go.

She was never mine in the first place.

It was with that thought that Logan got back onto his feet and turned to re-enter the mansion. It was time he finally forgave himself and moved on. Others needed him more than a memory did.