FIRST OF ALL: I would like to apologize for the long wait... I've been unbelievably busy lately, and I don't usually get home till around 7:30pm - 8pm, and then I generally go do my homework for an hour or two and then stay up on the phone with the bf... I've had volleyball tournaments, work, and church these past couple weekends, and I really just haven't had time to write at all. This chapter took me three days, writing inbetween events, and it's not that long. Again, I apologize, and I'm gonna try to write longer chapters AND update sooner...
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hikaru no Go, or any of its characters or components.
Forgotten
Chapter II
by Genie
A week had passed since Sai had appeared to Shindou. They were rather uneventful, every day Shindou learning something new about Sai, and the other way around. Shindou was still light-hearted, still clueless, still beautifully, heartbreakingly naive.But there was still one thing missing: Shindou's passion for Go.
Sai noticed it in every turn. He didn't – couldn't – understand it. He brooded over it every second, and saw its effect like a pebble falling into a pond and causing ripples to skim across the face of the water, touching every stone, leaf, and twig... It seemed inconceivable to him that Shindou's memory loss had not only affected himself personally, but had actually altered the course of history!
They had played many games since the first, and at each one Sai found himself playing the most trivial form of shidou-go against the boy he had once respected as a growing rival, a lion still waiting for a chance to bare his teeth. It was unnerving, and carried a certain weight of grief that such wonderful talent had once existed... but no more.
The pain never went away. It subsided, for moments at a time, when Sai found himself laughing at Shindou, or playing or watching Go. But, it always lingered, a shadow that followed him always. It was an exquisite sort of pain, watching a boy who had become like a son to him – but so much more – and not being able to talk to him as such, or even show some affection. Worse, however, was the change in Shindou himself. The thing that defined him, constructed his very being... A space in his heart and soul, empty and void and dark, waiting to be filled with a burning fire: the one Sai knew first began when Shindou sat facing Touya Meijin across a Go board, and his desire to play first realized itself.
There was hope. Sai was an optimist, and always had been. Day after day he continued to take the stunning changes in stride, yet still hoping for some unknown miracle – what that miracle could possible be, Sai didn't know.
He sighed. It was Saturday morning, and Sai knew it would be time to awaken Shindou for school.
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Sai was an enigma, a man walking unseen on the modern streets of Tokyo, yet still hidden in a thick shroud of mystery.
Shindou understood him.
It was strange to him, at first. It happened during a game; Shindou knew that Sai was bored playing shidou-go with him, and it was irritating to know that he was considered to be no less than a novice. He played his best every game, but the results were always the same... And, deep inside, Shindou's irritation soon began to transform itself into something so much more potent: passion.
The game itself had begun the usual way...
"Sai... Let's play?"
Sai sighed, looking slightly put off by Shindou's request.
"Alright."
Shindou pursed his lips in annoyance. His feelings for Sai were an odd mixture of envy and admiration. He didn't know what it was that got to him, really... It was a quality that Sai possessed, a quality Shindou had seen in so many Go players around him yet had never been able to harness himself.
It was desire.
Shindou loved Go. He craved the feel of the stones against his fingers, the startling "pa-chi!" of the stones hitting the goban. The suspense of the game, reading ahead, and the feeling of satisfaction at having beaten his opponent. He had even come to love the surrender of the game, for Shindou had learned that there was no better motivation than defeat. Even so, there was something missing... He thought about Go, and felt on a small frisson of pleasure and delight. The same feeling could be easily achieved with anything Shindou wanted to be skilled at, whether it was soccer or dodgeball or any other game... Go was his love, his partner in life, yet Shindou knew inside that it could easily be replaced.
He had been looking for it all his life: a reason. Something to look forward to. Something that would define himself, make him truly... Shindou Hikaru. He wanted it to be Go, but the right element was missing... The passion, the desire, the ever-burning fire that yearned to climb to heights deemed impossible by everyone but him.
That element, that certain quality was in Sai's eyes. It was stronger in Sai than in anyone else Shindou had ever seen. It was quite obvious that Go was what drove Sai, for he had even escaped the afterlife in order to continue playing it.
Shindou sighed, and placed the first black stone; it had become agreed that he would always go first.
Pa-chi!
Pa-chi!
Pa-chi!
Pa-chi!
The game progressed quickly. It always did. Again, Shindou felt a flash of annoyance at the almost condescending way Sai was playing him.
Pa-chi!
He gasped. Sai had just comletely destroyed Shindou's game in that one move. He looked up, and saw that Sai was bored, even... Indifferent.
And in that moment, Shindou hated Sai.
After that, things changed for Shindou. It wasn't a startling revolution, or even a stark moment of clarity. The moment that changed Shindou's life lacked all the drama usually involved, the sudden realization of what his desire was. But, in the end, it was still that: the moment that changed Shindou's life.
It started with hatred and envy. Shindou researched all of Honinbou Shuusaku's games and began to study them earnestly. Sai noticed but said nothing, taking secret pleasure in Shindou's struggles. He knew that his passion had nothing to do with Go itself, but simply with his desire to play Sai in an even game – one where Sai could seriously consider Shindou as a fellow player. Sai also knew that as time progressed, that passion would evolve into a love for Go.
It was past midnight. The only light in Shindou's room was emanated from his computer screen. On it was old kifu from Shuusaku's games. Sai, being a spirit, was not sleepy... But that certainly didn't stop him from being bored.
"Shindou... Shouldn't you get some sleep?"
Shindou pried his eyes away from the computer screen.
"I'm studying kifu. And don't you think it's about time you call me Hikaru? If I'm gonna be stuck with you, you might as well get comfortable."
Sai smiled, almost relieved. He had had some difficulty calling the young boy Shindou on a regular basis, but didn't want to appear overly acquainted... Luckily, that would not be a problem anymore.
"Studying is good, but it's almost two hours past midnight. Shouldn't you get some sleep?"
Hikaru looked over his shoulder and eyed Sai warily.
"Pro exams are next week. I want to pass with flying colors."
Sai's breath caught. Oddly enough, he had never discussed Hikaru's career as a Go player in the past week, and had simply taken for granted that since Hikaru's rival was Waya, he had to be a pro already. A thought crossed Sai's mind... He frowned. No, it can't be...
"Is... This Waya... Pro already?
"No... We're both at the top of our classes right now, and we're hoping to pass this year."
"I see." But he didn't see. Sai let the concept roll around in his mind, thinking about the possibilities. He thought about the change in Hikaru's strength... And suddenly knew. It was almost obvious, in a way, what was happening. Just as Hikaru's strength as Go player had come to be as a result of his relentless chasing of Touya Akira, Waya's strength too had come as a direct result of his desire to stay ahead of the mysterious insei who was growing with such alarming speed that he was considered a leader in the new wave of Go players...
The corners of Sai's mouth tugged upwards as he thought of something else; it would seem that Shindou had found his object of desire... Sai. Like Shindou's chase to achieve status in Touya's eyes had brought him further than anything else could have, he now had someone else to chase. There was a comparable difference, of course, between Sai and Touya, but he knew that for now it would do. The ramifications of his actions, coming to Shindou in a dream, and offering his bargain... Sai realized he could never know the full extent of that fateful decision.
He sighed, and closed his eyes. Everything that was happening seemed to swirl in his mind at once... And, quite suddenly, Sai began to regret his decision to return to Hikaru.
As the Alfred Lord Tennyson's cliché goes, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
With a wry smile, Sai wondered what Tennyson would have to say about having loved, lost, losing memory of the one loved, having that person return to you, and – hopefully – coming to love him again.
He stared at the back of Shindou's head and wondered what the gods had in store for him. With that thought, he let himself go into the dreamless sleep of the spirits...
-tbc-
I do realize that there hasn't been much action going on, and I intend to change that starting Chapter 3. I'm trying to establish a certain environment and relationship between the Shindou and Sai before I stage some public scenes and introduce other characters. I still have alot of trouble keeping them in character, so please let me know if they show any OOCness.
Again, I do need a beta. I usually proofread my own work, but I value a 2nd opinion - more than that, I need someone to tell me when I'm getting too boring, OOC, etc.
TO MY REVIEWERS:
to dizzy:
I think I explained why Sai has been calling Shindou "Shindou" instead of "Hikaru" in this chapter. I know if some ghost appeared by my bedside and started calling me by the nickname all my friends call me, I'd be slightly uncomfortable until we got to know each other better. With that said, thank you very much for your review . I'm glad to know I have a regular.
to TenshiReike:
I always assumed that when Sai disappeared, he was watching over Hikaru from wherever he went. That would explain how he knows about Hikaru's life AFTER he went away.
to sendoh11:
Patience, m'dear, patience.
to all my reviewers:
Thank you all very much for your reviews! Believe it or not, they keep me going :P. I feel guilty whenever I get a review asking me to update and it's been a while. Without these past few reviews I've gotten, I probably would have never updated... lol. Again, thank you all! I hope I keep you all interested.