Confession

"How are you today, Miss Benson?" My nurse's voice is so syrupy sweet, I almost choke on it. She knows damn well that I prefer her to call me Detective. Does she? Nope. She loves to get under my skin. She's real good at it too. I can't stand her simple ass. I especially can't stand it when she and my doctor are together. God, they make a disgusting couple. Not like me and Elliot. Now don't get it wrong, we never hooked up or anything, but being partners at work is a different type of relationship.

Elliot. I miss him...a lot. He hasn't visited me in two weeks...since I woke up. I don't know how often he visited me while I was asleep, but he was there when I woke up...okay, he was there when I woke up and called him. He brought a simpleton with him. That's not nice. She seemed nice enough and she did chase off my nurse. I guess I kind of do like her, even if she took my partner. That's okay, she better take advantage of him while I strapped down to this bed. Cause as soon as I can get legs to take me somewhere, I'm walking my ass out of this hell pit and going back to work. Captain won't like that.

Don...I still have heard nor seen him. I suppose he's in shock. In the few words that Elliot spoke when he was here, he said that the doctors said I'd never wake up: the damage was so extensive. Well, I showed them! Unconfident bastards. I hate them.

Wait, I hear footsteps...maybe it's Elliot! Maybe he's come to save me! I attempt to crane neck to see who it is, but I only succeed in drooling all over myself. That's weird; I could move my neck last week. I was practically sitting up last week. As the figure comes closer, I see it's not Elliot. It's Fin. At least it's a familiar face.

"Hi, Liv," Fin says. He looks really sad and sounds so sorry. It's not his fault I'm in here.

"Hey, Fin." I don't mean to, but this comes out as sad as he sounded.

"How ya feelin'?" Fin still doesn't look at me...like he's scared or something.

"Alright...I've completely gotten the feeling back in my limbs and I'm walking now..." I reply.

"That's good...very impressive..." His eyes still avoid me.

"Yeah, that's what the doctors said..." He kind of smiles and gives me a small chuckle. "Fin..."

"Olivia, I'm sorry," Fin blurts out. I'm taken aback. It's not his fault.

"It's not your fault."

"Yeah, it is."

"No, it's not."

"You didn't want to go...I insisted..."

"You all insisted. I would've gone anyway, Fin. You couldn't have known what would happen..."

"You know, I came here almost everyday, praying that you'd wake up..."

"...well, someone upstairs must like you..." He doesn't laugh at my joke.

"Yeah."

"And now?"

"Now...Now, I realize that it never occurred to me that you wouldn't, or shouldn't, forgive me..."

"Good job in court today, Casey," John said, patting me on the back. I was in the SVU squad room, delivering the latest court news. I had gotten a conviction on a child molester that my detectives had been chasing for weeks. It was tiresome and my case had been falling apart. In the end, however, the perp's cousin stepped forward to testify against him. It was this that convinced the jury that the perp was guilty.

"Where are you going?" I ask as everyone put on their coats.

"I'm going home," Cragen answered, walking out the door.

"We're going to...Malone's?" Munch asks Fin. Fin, in turn, rolls his eyes and motions for John to follow him.

"What about you guys?" I ask Elliot and Kelly. Elliot doesn't answer me. He hasn't answered me in a long time. He refuses to talk anything but shop. It's wearing my patience ice thin and one day, I'm gonna break.

"Yeah, what are we doing, Elli?" Kelly asks, clinging on to his arm. I can see he's fighting the urge to push her away. I laugh to myself. Serves his stubborn ass right.

"I don't know, Kelly..." I'll bet he thinks that he didn't answer me. Hell, he hasn't even looked at me since I walked into the room. I'm fed up with this and I'm getting ready to say something when he suddenly speaks.

"Maybe...maybe we should go see Olivia..." There's something else I haven't seen in awhile. Usually, he'll refer to Olivia as 'she' or 'her' or sometimes even 'you know who...' He still said her name as if he was committing the greatest of sins, but it is definitely a step forward.

"That's a great idea, Elli!" Kelly exclaims. Kelly always exclaims. I don't think she knows how to speak any other way. "You wanna come, Case?" I don't mean to, but I feel myself bristle at the favored nickname coming out of her mouth. I push past the discomfort only to see Elliot watching me out of the corner of his eye. Like he's waiting for me to ask him if it's okay that I tag along. Yeah, right.

"I'd love to, Kelly. Thank you for inviting me," I answer, pushing past Elliot before I can see his reaction. God, I am so tired of his routine. I understand that he misses his best friend and I understand that he was scared that she'd never come back. I know that even after she woke up, he remains fragile. He's as broken as she is.

"You know what? I forgot today was my...my sister's birthday. We're going to a show on Broadway. Pffft, completely slipped my mind," Kelly announces suddenly. I don't fall for it. She looks at me and winks as she walks away. Elliot looks as if he's going to protest. "Go on, Elli. I'm sure Casey wants to see Olivia. I'll go along next time." I don't know if she knows it or not, but I see her mouth the words "talk to her" and shoot Elliot a dirty look before she turns around and gets into her car. As much as I want to, I just can't hate Kelly.

"Come on, Elliot! You dragged me all the way out here, and now you're not going in?!" I swear to God, I could strangle right here in this parking lot. He made drove two hours to get here, a complete mute as I carried on a one sided conversation with myself, and now he's trying to back out. What the hell?

"You're not getting out of this. We're going in!" I attempt to pull on his arm, but he only pulls away from me. "What's going on, Elliot? Why don't you want to go in?" He mumbles something, not really answering me. I'm on fire now. I just spent the last two weeks trying to save his ass from termination and this is the thanks I get? Before I can stop it, my hand is flying toward his exposed cheek. I don't even realize what I've done until my heart rate slows down and I see him staring at me in shock and hurt. I start to apologize, but then think better of it.

"What are you gonna do, huh? You mad? Gonna hit me back?" What surprises me most is that of all the emotions that are flashing in his eyes, anger isn't one of them. Right now, he looks more sad and sorry than anything. The little voice in the back of my head is telling me that he's hurting and needs a shoulder to cry on. It's pleading with me to just talk to him. However, just like I didn't listen to it when it told me not to drink so many shots and go home with that girl that one night in college, I don't listen to it now and start yelling.

"What is wrong with you?! Do you think you're the only one hurting? Think you're the only one feeling guilty? Wake up and smell reality, Stabler! Everyone is upset that this happened and everyone is happy that she woke up. Why are you? If anything, everyone should be jealous of you. Don't you know that the first thing she did when she woke up was ask for you? Nobody but you, Elliot. Don't you get it? Can't you see? Why the hell are you being stubborn instead of being there for her?" It is then that I notice that I'm pounding his chest with balled fists. It is then that I realize hot, anger tears are racing down my face.

I already know why I'm crying. I don't need to ask anybody. I'm crying out of frustration. I'm crying because I don't know what the hell is going on with my friend and there's nothing I can do to help. I'm not used to playing that role. I'm crying because my other friend has shut me out and won't let me in. I know I can help, but when he doesn't let me, I feel weak and helpless. I'm crying because I'm scared and I'm crying because I feel guilty. I'm crying because I haven't cried in so long and letting my anger get the best of me sent me over the edge.

Suddenly, he grabs me wrists and pulls me into him. His body, too, is shaking as he sobs. Thoughts of teasing him about this being too girly for him create a blip on the radar of my mind and are gone as he starts mumbling. Deciding that he needs this release, I stand quietly, hoping as he quiets down, I'll be able to decipher the words-if that's what you want to call them-he's blubbering.

TBC

next: Ups and downs