Disclaimer: I own the plot of this fic only, and it's certainly not earning me any money. worships Arakawa-sensei

Warnings: Mild language, cross dressing, and general ridiculousness.

Notes: Slightly AU, since I'm throwing political and alchemical ramifications out the window to give Ling, Al, and the whole military crew happy endings (no, not that kind, mind out of the gutter.) Thanks to my darling Kyaru-chan for betaing! This is the first of 25 Ed'n'Al-centric fics that are supposed to be fluffy but…eh…this one kind of fails. It's more crack than anything else. Hope you enjoy regardless, and remember to review!

Chinese Whispers

Edward Elric had fought through adolescence with the reassuring knowledge that his brother needed him. The responsibility became a comfortable weight on his shoulders, as unquestioned as the force of gravity. He'd stopped noticing it merely because it was a part of him that he never expected to lose. Even after Alphonse returned to his body, it had taken weeks of devotion, each night spent in a chair at his bedside, to nurse him back to full health.

Edward had never anticipated that his brother would be the one to finally break their connection. It was as if Al had removed a plug from some hidden socket in Ed's chest, suddenly finding that he could run on his own power. And run he did, a knight, finally bereft of his shining armor, chasing his princess into the sunrise.

The portion of his heart that Ed had reserved for Winry seemed to grow with a keen sympathy for her trials over the years. Abruptly, he found himself tossed among the Waiters of the world, watching twilight fall with the disappointment of another day devoid of phone calls. He remembered the way she used to complain, to wistfully request that they be careful and come back safe and come back soon. The guilt and comprehension balled together in his gut ensured that Ed never forgot to keep in touch these days, and Winry understood why he always hung up quickly. It wouldn't do to tie up the phone lines.

The first call came in the early hours of the morning, no doubt due to a difference in time zones.

"What?" Ed snapped into the receiver, his tone promising grisly retribution on whoever dared disturb his slumber. If Mustang was calling him in again, he was going to tear the man limb from-

"…Brother?"

All thoughts of revenge flew from Ed's mind to be replaced by a frantic, angry sort of relief.

"Al! Where the hell have you been?"

His voice was faint and a little crackly when he replied, but Edward hung on every word, searching for some sign of fatigue, illness, or injury. "I just got here. Sorry if I made you worry."

"I'm not worried, I wasn't worried," Ed lied. "What do you mean, you just got there? It's been ages since you left."

A barely audible sigh carried down the phone lines. "It's only been a week, and that's pretty fast even with the train tracks up and running."

"Oh." Only a week. They'd been separated for longer in the past, but somehow this time seemed far more unbearable than any other.

"I'm not sure how long I'll stay here," Al continued.

"Well make sure to keep in touch."

"I'll do my best."

"A-" Ed swallowed, started again. "Are you sure you'll be all right on your own?"

A soft laugh pressed against his ear. "I'm not helpless, Brother. And I'm not alone. Mei met me at the station. She says she's found me a place to stay, so I should settle in just fine."

"Mei, huh?" Ed snorted. "That bean girl?"

"Yes, and she's been very kind." Al's voice rang with disapproval, but it seemed there were some battles he'd learned to stop fighting.

Ed couldn't keep the bitterness from his reply. "Well, isn't that lovely. I'm sure you'll get on very well with her and that demon cat, you're both-"

"Brother."

"What?"

"I'll miss you."

"You will? What, you mean you don't miss me yet?" Ed said with a smirk that verged very closely on a grin.

He could swear he heard his younger brother's answering smile. "Of course I do."

"Good. You better. Hey, buy me a souvenir or something will ya? And next time you call, don't do it at three in the morning."

Approximately one week later, seven days filled with far fewer phone calls than Edward had hoped for, the package arrived. It was thin, wrapped in brown paper, and covered with strange postmarks he'd never seen before. Beneath the paper and the lid of the box, lying atop a wrapped bundle, rested a simple note:

The color suits you.

Love, Al

The bundle contained something that was deep red, delicately embroidered and a dress. Needless to say, Ed was only concentrating on the last point.

"Why the hell did you send me a dress!"

"You asked for a souvenir, didn't you?" Alphonse asked, the sound of repressed laughter destroying his innocent tone.

"I'm not a woman, Al!" Ed shouted, unclenching his automail hand just in time to avoid crushing the phone. "And I hate that Xingian clothing anyway!"

"Aw, come on," Al pleaded, breaking into occasional fits of giggles. "I think it's lovely. I bet you'd look beautiful in that dress."

"Augh! Why don't you send these things to Winry and just buy me books?"

"Hmm… Because this is so much more fun."

"For you!"

Al's giggles broke into peals of open laughter.

"What happened to the sweet, innocent little Al I used to know?" Ed muttered.

"Maybe he spent too much time with his big brother."

Alphonse was left with a ringing in his ear as said big brother fiercely disconnected him.

-------

Edward Elric would not be caught dead in a dress. And he would never consciously decide to wear one. It just…sort of…happened.

In the beginning, all he did was look at it. He wasn't conducting much research, wanting to keep as far from the Stone as possible. Mustang hadn't found an assignment for him in ages, and it had been a few days since Al's last phone call. He had nothing to do and nowhere to go and his brother was hundreds of miles away. He was in hell.

Ed pulled the box from the back of his closet without knowing what exactly he planned to do with it. He ran his hand gently over the folded silk it contained, wondering where Al had picked the thing up. He lifted it, bringing the fabric to his nose, and breathed in. It didn't smell like Al; there was a strange, flowery perfume drifting from the dress, so decidedly female that Ed dropped it as if he'd been burned. He shoved the box away and left to wash the scent from his hands.

He never expected to pull the dress out again, but it seemed to keep happening, and with increasing frequency. Whenever he felt lonely or bored or just plain Al-deprived, Ed would let the cloth slip through his fingers and wonder where Al was now, what he was doing, would he call soon? Would he come home soon?

The sleeves were long and wide; they pooled around his wrists to nearly cover the metal fingers of his right hand. When he walked, the silk flowed smoothly over the hairs on his thighs, a welcome relief from constricting leather. If Edward hadn't meant to keep looking at the dress, he certainly had never dreamed of wearing it. That didn't change the fact that he ended up inside it anyway.

Ed would draw shades across the windows and sit on his bed, legs curled up to his chest so he could feel the shift of fabric on fabric with every inhale and exhale. He would breathe deeply, drawing in particles of the perfume that clung to his skin even after he'd stripped and showered and pulled his hair back into its familiar braid. He half expected someone to comment on the strange, exotic smell that followed him, but no one else seemed to notice it.

Ed tried not to think about what he was doing. It scared him, probably because the whole process was so damn comforting. Everybody has their little secrets, Ed told himself. I've already got plenty. What's one more?

Of course, the fates had never been kind to Edward Elric.

"He's just a petty thief, nothing too serious," Mustang told him over the phone. "Reports say he's an automail user, though. I figured that was right up your alley."

Ed made a show of grumbling, but he had to admit that he was glad for any assignment, no matter how small.

"Just capture him and bring him into custody. I trust you can handle that without destroying half the city?"

"Yeah, yeah, is that it?"

"Nearly. He seems to be nocturnal, so I'll send Second Lieutenant Breda around with a car at eight tonight. Unless you had other plans?"

Ed slammed the phone down on the smirk he heard in the older man's voice.

He knew he should get some sleep if this was going to be a night hunt, but with Al gone Ed's habit of grabbing some shut-eye anytime, anywhere had practically disappeared. While he would have happily slept away each day until noon, an anxiety seized him the moment his eyes opened and wouldn't let go until he had exhausted himself. So far, Ed had only found one solution to this problem. It was crimson and silky, and it lived in his closet.

-------

Ed's eyes popped open to the noise of a heavy fist on his door and a man calling, "Hey Boss, you in there?" He barely registered the words, "I'm coming in," but once they hit his brain, his body started moving faster than even he would have believed possible.

When Second Lieutenant Breda poked his head into Ed's room, he was met with the sight of the boy in nothing but a pair of boxers, frantically trying to shed some kind of shiny red garment that was bunched around his neck.

"Ba- Bathrobe!" Ed stuttered. "I was asleep, this is my- Just let me get dressed, I'll be right out!" And the door slammed shut on Breda's bewildered face.

After entertaining the frightening notion of Fullmetal in a dress and wondering briefly whether the boy would be willing to indulge the Colonel's miniskirt fetish, Breda banished the thought from his mind. Impossible. His eyes must have been tricking him.

Two minutes later, Ed was in the hall, complete with coat, pants, combat boots, and a slouch unmatched by any other. Despite his long hair, there was nothing feminine about him. "Are we doing this?" Ed asked gruffly. The rosy tint was already fading from his cheeks.

"Of course, Boss. Follow me."

And that was the end of the dress.

-------

"I'm sorry it's been so long since my last call, Brother-"

"Yeah, you better be."

"-but everything here has been so busy what with the wedding preparations and all, and it's impossible to get away."

Ed blinked. "…huh?"

"You wouldn't believe the amount of planning they put into these royal weddings, and with this one only a week away I don't even have a minute to sit down. I swear, every time I try to escape to the phone, a new order has to be placed, the flowers aren't right, the dress is too long, and I'm expected to take care of it all. There's been a prediction of rain for the wedding date and I think, maybe I heard wrong, but I think some of the guests are expecting me to change the weather!" Al laughed for a few seconds, before trailing off awkwardly at his brother's answering silence.

Ed had thought it was a joke at first, but as Al continued, the painfully shocking reality was descending with the force of a vindictive sledgehammer. "WHAT?" he yelped once he gained control of his vocal cords.

"I know it sounds like a lame excuse, but since when have I looked for excuses not to call you?" Al asked, his voice filled with a fondness that only made Ed's stomach curdle faster.

Ed forced a few halting words past his lips while his mind continued to reel. "I-Isn't it a little soon for marriage?"

"That's what I said," Al replied. "But I guess this is just the way they do things here. They want to start producing heirs as soon as possible and all that."

Ed's knees nearly gave out on him. Alphonse was getting married. His baby brother… saddled with a wife and… and… heirs! This had to be stopped!

"Do you have anything you'd like to say to the groom?" Al asked expectantly. Ed could hear the grin in his voice, picture Al's flushed face carrying the same expression as he gazed at his pint-sized wife-to-be.

"Con-congratulations," Ed replied, practically strangling himself with the word. "I have to go." He dropped the receiver with a clunk and sank to the floor.

Two hours later, Edward had breezed past headquarters with a hasty message of, "Family emergency in Xing, I'll be back in two weeks", ignored the Colonel's outraged cry of, "Fullmetal, where the hell do you think you're going?", and was now pulling out of the train station, settled in for a long trip to the East. As usual, he'd only packed a single suitcase, but this time it was made a little more full by a thin package wrapped in brown paper.

-------

She walked into the wedding as if she were royalty herself. Her red dress may have been wrinkled, but it was clearly well made, and the way she held her shoulders told anyone who dared to look that she had enough pride to match the emperor. A black fan obscured her lips and nose like the shadow over a waxing moon. Above its edge, her fierce gold eyes cleared away any man who dared to stand in her path. Her name was Edward Elric, and she had come to kick some ass.

-------

"I object to this marriage!" Ed shouted once he reached the head of the aisle. His eyes scanned the gathering, but he couldn't spot Alphonse anywhere. Had he come too late? Regardless, he had the audience's attention – it was now or never.

"The groom already has a wife!" he announced triumphantly.

He was met with hundreds of blank faces, a few confused whispers, and… the blades of seven kunai pointed straight at his throat. Flexing his automail hand, Ed wondered how effective a weapon his fan would be in getting past all those knives. To his left, he could hear an oddly familiar voice speaking a language he couldn't understand, and the blades were withdrawn, leaving a strange prickling sensation around his neck.

Only one of his attackers remained, and Ed followed that black clad arm up to a red and white mask that he had most certainly seen before, and had even tried to recreate.

"You!" he cried, before remembering his disguise and snapping his mouth shut.

"Ran Fan, I said you may stand down. You must be polite. Unexpected guests are still guests after all."

The woman reluctantly removed her knife from his throat, but Ed wasn't watching her anymore. Now that it was speaking in his own tongue, he would know that voice anywhere Reassuring himself that the fan still hid his face, Ed carefully bowed before Xing's emperor. When he straightened his back once more, Ling was grinning at him and he realized with a nervous jolt that Al stood behind Ling's back. His brother looked completely mortified.

"You say the groom is already married," Ling confirmed, and Ed nodded slowly. "I don't see a great problem there. It's not an uncommon practice in this country to take several wives, though in this case I think I ought to be aware of a previous marriage. Who do you claim this wife to be?"

Ed squared his shoulders and lifted his chin. "Me," he replied firmly.

A whimpery "Eeeeh?" slipped out of Al, while Ling's grin widened until it was positively and sadistically shit-eating.

"Hmm…" He began circling Ed, looking him up and down. "Who is this bold young maiden with such a low voice and such a… compact… stature?" Ed bit his lip to keep from shouting. "I don't seem to know her, yet those striking eyes…" He reached beneath the fan to tilt Ed's chin with the tip of a finger. "So familiar."

There was a pause during which Ed held his breath, a breath that Ling's next words knocked out of him completely. "Generally, the emperor will only take the daughters of the fifty tribes as concubines. However, if you are so enthusiastic I might be willing to make an exception for your case."

"Wh-what?" Ed breathed, his eyes widening in confusion.

"No need to look so grateful," Ling oozed. "How could I refuse someone so eager? I'll forgive your little interruption, and once I'm finished with this ceremony I'll grant you the honor of becoming my second wife."

"Young Master!" Ranfan exclaimed.

Ed's face transformed from pale white to scarlet in a matter of seconds. "I never said anything about-"

Ling continued talking over them both. "Of course, you'll have to wait a little while so we can plan a ceremony of some sort – not nearly so elaborate as this one naturally, but certain customs must be observed under all circumstances. Oh, I'm sorry, I never asked your name. What is it, my dear?"

Ling took hold of his bare automail hand quite solemnly, but the instant he looked into Ed's shocked eyes, the laughter burst from his grinning lips. The crowd was murmuring loudly among themselves and Ed felt his face grow impossibly redder. Freeing his hand from Ling's grasp with a rough jerk, Ed shouted angrily, "Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here?"

Finally Alphonse stepped in, his own cheeks flaring in contact embarrassment. "I'm so sorry, sir," he said, bowing low.

"Don't worry about it, Alphonse," Ling reassured him. "Just make sure to return quickly; I wouldn't want you to miss the ceremony after you've been so helpful preparing it. Oh, and you're welcome to bring your brother back with you, if he's willing to sit quietly and behave."

Al grabbed Ed's elbow and began leading him away. In a last ditch attempt to preserve his fleeing dignity, Edward yelled over his shoulder, "Idiot Emperor! I have no reservations about beating the shit out of you!"

He received a laugh in reply, cut short quickly so that Ling could call Ran Fan off the chase.

"Brother!" Al scolded once they were out of earshot. "You can't say those kinds of things! It was bad enough when he was a prince, but now that he's the emperor-"

"I don't care, Al!" Ed cried, pushing away from his younger brother's hold. "He humiliated me!"

"And whose fault was that?" Al glanced down at Ed's dress and snickered. "When I sent you that thing, I didn't seriously expect you to wear it. What on earth were you trying to do?"

"I thought… I mean, when you called…" Ed stopped and tried to come up with a way to word this that didn't make him sound like a neurotic idiot. He came to the conclusion that there wasn't one. "Never mind."

"Are you kidding me?" Al stopped walking and grabbed hold of Ed's arm again. "You can't just show up and make a scene like that and then not tell me why. Were you trying to stop Ling from getting married?"

Ed sighed, flushing again as he muttered, "Not Ling."

"Huh?"

"I…I thought it was you getting married," he explained quickly, avoiding Al's eyes.

"And you came all the way out here to- Where did you get that idea anyway?" Al asked. "It's not like I'd have a wedding without you there. Who would I marry?"

Ed shrugged awkwardly and began walking again, Alphonse at his heels. "I dunno. Whatsername. The bean girl."

Al laughed. "Mei? No way." Suddenly his eyes lit up. "Wait, do you really think she might-"

"Don't even say it, Al!"

The sound of their footsteps echoed along streets that had emptied in honor of the emperor's marriage.

"Hey Brother."

"What?" Ed growled.

"Told you that dress would look good on you."

"Shut up." Ed stomped his feet harder and tried to stare a hole in the ground. If he were lucky, he could hide in it until he managed to will his blush away. A sudden jerk on his hand broke into his thoughts, pulling him back and to the right.

"Come on, Princess," Al prompted with a gentle smile. "The house is this way."

Ed resisted the urge to glare, giving an answering curve of the lips instead. They didn't speak the words aloud, but the Elric brothers could read them in each other's eyes.

It's good to have you back.

"Lead on, little brother."

It took sixteen angry phone calls from Mustang to persuade them to return to Amestris, a week later than Ed had promised but with twice the Elric to make up for the delay. The red dress was never seen again (except in the pictures that Mei had snapped for blackmail material) and Edward Elric went down in history as the man who not only fed shoes to the emperor, but crashed his wedding as well.