Disclaimer-AtlA doesn't belong to me. I make no profit off this or claim any rights to the show or characters. I wrote this as a gift for a dear friend of mine, but I hope that everyone enjoys this!
This was supposed to be a drabble but ended up with over 1000 words… Oy. X3
zzz
Being blind has given me the ability to really see people. I listen to their voices, whether they direct it at other people, or at me. I feel their footsteps and sense how they move – how they sit, how they lay down, how they react to other people or me.
But even with all that, I am not omniscient. Things still elude me. I cannot see faces. I rely on voice to see if people are smiling or frowning. Sometimes I desperately wish to see, so I could read a book, or see the colors of the flowers I smell, or to take in the food that I put in my mouth.
At times I do not let this bother me. There is nothing I can do to make me see, so I learned to live with my blindness a long time ago. I suppose that I was fortunate to be born blind, so I am not aware of what I am missing and therefore cannot lament it. I learn to celebrate what I can do and to be happy about the abilities I have that other people do not have. If people choose to see me as just a little blind girl, like my own parents do, then they are the blind ones, not me. I have friends who respect me. They do not treat me as poor or helpless, and speak to me equally.
I take pride in being a good teacher to Aang. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and worth to know that I am doing this for an Avatar. No doubt this is better than languishing in my father's manor at Gaoling, shut away from the world. What kind of prospects would I have had if my spirit were not so strong? Sitting around, waiting for my father to find a suitable match for me so I could give him grandchildren and continue the glorious Beifong line? I have often asked myself why I had no brothers or sisters.
My 'adopted' family gives me siblings. Katara is my older sister, and she tells me everything that an older sister should. Without her, I would be lost, because Mother was a prim and proper lady. She was not the easiest person to talk to, and even right before I left, she treated me like a little girl. Sokka sees and treats me as an equal. At times, I think that he actually forgets that I am blind, and it is nice to have my disability be the last thing in someone's thoughts.
And then there's Aang. My first real friend. It was frustrating at first, I had to admit. For me, I always had to face things head-on, or sit quietly like a rock (around my parents), so teaching him and trying to understand his approach to things was new to me. We truly were opposing elements, and I suppose that was what attracted me to him at first. He was just so different from myself or anyone else that I had ever known that I could not help but be intrigued.
I felt so proud of him when he started to understand Earthbending. I only wanted the best for him, and I enjoyed it when he spoke to me with such respect and affection. But it was not the kind of affection I sought.
I am just like anyone else, needing love and comfort, even though I would never say that out loud. Just respect is not enough for me. I wanted to be cherished. I became jealous when I heard Aang talk to Katara, or about her. The affection that I heard in his voice caused jealousy to stir within. What was wrong with me that he could not speak of me in the same way? Was my disability so unappealing to him? I knew that as the daughter of Lao Beifong, I was a good match for prospective suitors – for my money and lineage. I knew that my adopted family saw none of that. To them, I was just Toph.
I suppose that was all I was to Aang. Toph, the Earthbending Master. Not Toph, the girl. Sometimes, during night, I would sit in my little stone tent and weep softly to myself. No one ever heard me cry. Would anyone ever see me as a real woman? Not as a little girl, not as a blind person, not as a wealthy heiress, not as a little 'sister', not as a Earthbending Master.
I continued to suffer in silence, almost as if I was a deaf-mute as well as a blind woman. Aang remained oblivious to my suffering, but then why would he be otherwise? He had the Waterbender to fawn over, and I envied her for being so worthy enough to have someone's desire. I longed to be needed and desired. I longed to be told by someone that I was valued by them. I felt stirrings in my blossoming body that brought me frustration, for I felt that these stirrings would never be sated.
When the exiled Prince and his uncle joined our group, I was delighted to have new companions. I had enjoyed my encounter with the older Firebender previously, and his nephew was also an interesting person. He was Aang's opposite-brooding, usually silent, and very serious. He was almost aloof in his treatment of everyone, myself included. I found it amusing when he had one of his rare fits of anger, or when we would make snarky comments at one another. When I heard him and Katara fight, I became jealous again. It seemed that Zuko desired Katara as well… Katara had once told me that sometimes, when a boy liked a girl, he would seek attention from her, even if it meant provoking her.
I had no idea how to attract a man, really. I was unable to check myself in a mirror and make myself attractive. No one in the group considered me a 'lady' – I had left that back in Gaoling as part of the shy little girl that my parents had thought that I was. I supposed no one would ever accept me for who I was, not what I was supposed to be in other people's eyes.
It seemed that Zuko was the only one who took me at face value. He knew who I was, what I did, where I came from. From the way he spoke to me, I could tell that he cared about none of that. I came to appreciate that very much. I enjoyed his company for the fact that he did not put me in any roles like everyone else did. Whenever we spoke, or snarked at eachother, it felt natural to me.
We began to teach eachother our own respective bending styles. From this, we gained new perspectives. I realized that while taking on things head-on often worked for me, there were a few situations which called for otherwise. We had grueling training sessions, which often left both of us exhausted but content. I felt a certain kind of contentment that I did not feel after I trained with Aang.
One day, near the end of summer, he and I were sparring. I knew that this might be the last time we did it, so we were intense with eachother. I was fully tuned in to his presence as I hurled rocks and earth at him, challenging him to get as close to me as he could and capture me. He had improved much and was able to last a lot longer during our sessions. I was actually very proud of him, like I was for Aang. His ordeals through the last few years had molded him into a fine man, one that I knew Iroh had always been proud of. It was too bad that his own sire did not value him. I wished that the Fire Lord could see him the way that Iroh and I did.
I smirked as I dug my feet into the ground, sending up small boulders and aiming them at him. I felt him move about, dodging some, shoving others aside or destroying them as he struggled to come closer to me. I could see that he was determined to make his way to me, so I intensified my barrage. Yet he kept coming at me. I managed to knock him backwards a few times, but he made steadfast progress. My limbs started to grow sore from my relentless Earthbending.
Finally, he dropped one of his swords and grasped my wrist and tugged it down, causing the rocks and earth to fall down. I stood there, panting slowly, feeling the sweat drip down my forehead. Zuko's heart was pounding as mine was. This was the first time he had managed to make it to me during the few times we had done this particular exercise. His hand remained around my wrist, as if he was afraid to let go.
"Very good, Zuko. I am proud of you." I said with a wide smile, "I know that was not easy for you."
I could not see his face, but I knew he was smiling. He squeezed my wrist a little.
"It was worth it."
zzz
Spleef