A/N: The long-awaited Chapter 31, wherein the Marauders torture each other, and various First Years, gratuitously.

ACHTUNG! This chapter is a little more mature than past chapters, so if you're at all offended by such lewdness, or are a young 'un, you probably shouldn't read it...or just skip the first question... sorry. We're hormonal teenagers, what do you expect? (Caution for gratuitous sexual references)

Dear Advice Thingy,

I saw the most beautiful girl last week, she was tall with black hair and huge- well I told her I Loved her but she ran away! What should I do to find my grey-eyed girl?

-Amos the Heartbroken

Oh dear.

-M

Give up. There's absolutely no hope you'll ever find her again. Forget it and move on.

- S

Amos? Isn't he that guy who chased us when we—

-W

Yes. Shut up Pete.

-S

Well, I think that's a tad harsh, Sirius. It could be true love, and one should never give up on true love.

- J

Well, to be fair, the questioner never mentions true love, as such. Just that he told her he loved her, and was promptly rejected.

-M

Still, he shouldn't give up. It's worth a shot. I mean, if I had given up in my pursuit of Lily, I wouldn't be where I am today. Perhaps Amos and this grey-eyed girl have a promising future ahead of them.

- J

I hate you.

- S

Well, I suppose you're right James.

-M

I hate you too. I hate you both, so much.

-S

But, Amos can't pursue her because McGonogall turned us all back into—

-P

Exactly, but Pete, really, shut up.

-S

Well, I'm sure whatever changes occurred since then won't be able to get in the way of their love.

- J

Well, then you'd be wrong wouldn't you.

-S

Hey, you never know Sirius. Don't underestimate the power of love, isn't that right James?

-M

Really? You think Amos would still be interested?

– P

You're right Remus. And I certainly do. I've seen the way he makes eyes at "her" during Charms. It's so romantic.

- J

I think I'm going to be sick.

- S

Now now, Sirius, there's no need for that. Honestly, you can be so narrow-minded sometimes.

-M

Yes Sirius, love takes many forms. If Amos' is as pure and –

- J

If you use the words "love" and "Amos" in the same sentence again, I'm going to break your bloody nose.

- S

Now now Sirius, most, if not all, people are capable of love on at least some level. I'm sure what Amos feels is as valid as anyone else's love. If not strictly "pure".

-M

Nothing about Amos Diggory is pure.

- S

Oh, so that's your problem. You don't think he's pure enough. Well, to be fair, Sirius, I don't think anyone would describe you as "pure" either.

- J

Yeah, he hasn't been "pure" since the summer before Fifth Year.

- P

Aw, be fair, Sirius is "pure" sometimes! I mean, he is very capable of pure idiocy on most days, as we have seen displayed over and over.

-M

True, true, we'll have to give him that.

- J

How about my "pure" hatred for you tossers!

- S

Well, then, I suppose you're much more pure than we first thought. Congratulations, I guess.

-M

Well, now I think someone is just overreacting –

J

Overreacting? You think I'm overreacting? I'm being shockingly calm all things considered!

–S

Well, though it is true that you are indeed being shockingly calm, that doesn't immediately disprove the theory that you are overreacting. Indeed, you are quite calm for you, but by normal people's standards you are indeed overreacting.

-M

I agree with Moony. He is being characteristically, yet at the se time, unusually angry. Perhaps it's all just a reaction to Amos' love.

-J

That's it. I'm breaking your nose.

- S

And bloody your porcelain skin? What would A,os think at such violence?

- J

He'd be shocked if his delicate flower were to obtain any sort of blemish to her "porcelain" skin, that's what.

-M

You know what? Why don't you all go crawl into a hole and die?

-S

Now Sirius, that was rather uncalled for. We are just trying to fulfil the purpose of this Thingy by giving practical and insightful advice to this here questioner. You are the one who is being uncooperative and surly, for, might I add, no good reason.

-M

Yes, no good reason at all. Young Amos is simply seeking our advice on how to capture his precious butterfly, and yet you're here, being unreasonably aggressive. Quite suspiciously so.

- J

...Wait, Diggory is talking about a butterfly now? I thought he was talking about –

- P

Someone might think that perhaps you are jealous.

- J

Indeed, the thought had crossed my mind.

-M

...What? Me? This is the most ridiculous conversation I've had in my life! Firstly, how can I be jealous of myself? And secondly, it's FREAKING AMOS! You people are sick. Sick and disturbed people indeed.

- S

You? Where did you come into the picture? Amos said grey-eyed girl with black hair and huge tits. I know you're vain, but how could you think he was talking about you? Unless there's something you want to tell us...

- J

You know full well the situation, Potter. And NO, there's nothing to tell any of you.

- S

Oh, I know that I know, but I do believe our readers may be misinformed.

- J

Maybe you should try that spell again, James. Give Diggory a first date.

- P

What an excellent suggestion, young Peter my friend. Excellent suggestion indeed.

- J

Um. I think I should inform you all of the fact that that entire escapade was recorded and subsequently published. To be honest, I have no idea how you didn't notice, or, for that matter, how Diggory didn't notice. My only conclusion can be that you are all, Diggory included, quite illiterate.

-M

Oh, I'm well aware of the fact. I was just waiting to see how long it took for Sirius to remember. Eh, buddy? Remember that day? Much fun was had.

- J

Hey, I noticed! Does that make me literate?

-P

Yes, well done Pete.

-M

What? You berks published that! I thought we all agreed to edit it out! Burn it, throw it in the lake, feed it to Mrs Norris and all that.

-S

Yes, well, we tried those things. But the parchment that, may I remind you, YOU enchanted refused to be destroyed for some reason. So, none of those things worked.

-M

And so we decided that it would be funnier to post it around the school instead. We even got pictures of you up in the common room. Quite frankly, I'm surprised you didn't notice them earlier.

- J

Honestly Sirius, how oblivious can you get? I thought all the wolf-whistles, if nothing else, would have tipped you off.

-M

Wolf-whistles? I thought that was just because EVERYONE thinks I'm a wildly attractive manly God of all things manly.

-S

...could your head possibly get any more inflated? Merlin, Sirius, you can't honestly believe that's what was happening.

- J

But it makes sense! All the evidence points towards that explanation. You can't blame me for using logic, as you lot so often say I should.

-S

Well, I guess we should just be happy he's using logic at all, no matter how wrong.

- J

Indeed, it is quite a step forward. Though for his "logic" to be in any way effective, he'd have to be, er, disillusioned first. Or at least significantly improve his skills of observation. Sure, I suppose wolf-whistles can be misinterpreted, but earlier today a fellow from Ravenclaw yelled "Oi! You make a hot chick Black! Nice rack!" and I'm not sure what other possible meanings that could have.

-M

Damn, I thought I had just imagined that...

- S

Maybe Sirius should make the change to female for good. People seem to like him better that way. Plus, he makes a less scary girl than Lily.

- P

Hey, great idea Pete.

- J

I don't know, I don't think I could withstand all the public self-groping without being irreversibly traumatised.

-M

Well... we could get you a blindfold?

-P

Or we could tape up his hands so he can't fondle his own breasts. That's just disturbing.

- J

Hey, you like it when Lily does it.

- S

Please can we not have this conversation?

-M

Perhaps, but she doesn't do it in the middle of Charms. Just when we're alone... Wait, how would you even know about that? Shit, now everyone knows. Lily's going to kill me.

- J

Haha, that's not a portrait of Sir Edmund the Gullible in the dorm. That's a one-way window.

- S

Sirius, you disturb me greatly. More than usual I mean.

-M

What? Is that... You mean you watch? Eeeeeeewwww!

-P

Damn it, now we'll have to go to the Shack if we want privacy.

- J

Hey! In my defence, I installed it for another purpose entirely! I charge the female students a galleon per minute to look through into our lovely lives. It's quite a lucrative business.

- S

... That doesn't make it any better Sirius.

-M

...I was wondering why Sophia kept winking at me during breakfast

- J

I can't believe you've sacrificed our privacy for a few galleons!

-M

What are you going on about? I've received multiple complaints about you, Moony, apparently all you ever do is read. Ever. And you always go to the bathroom to change (I haven't installed a window there... yet...) I mean, surely you can put on a bit more of a show? Our customers expect a little action.

-S

I refuse to take part in this strange and invasive "business" you're running.

- M

What do they say about me?

- J

Well, many weren't happy when you got a girlfriend, though their moods changed significantly when it led to you taking off your shirt more often. And before you say anything mate, I did do my best to make sure no one was looking in on your escapades with the lovely Miss Evans, not for your sake, but for the sake of my own precious life (Lily would not hesitate to decapitate me if she found out) but it's hardly MY fault if you're constantly at it, without giving me any warning whatsoever so that I can tell the girls to clear off. I mean really, you should, I dunno, ring a bell whenever you're about to shag or something.

-S

Hmm, perhaps we should have a secret codeword I can tell you whenever I'm about to go upstairs with her. Although you'd think me announcing "ok, I'm going to sleep with Lily now, the dorm's mine for the next hour, find something else to do" is a pretty good indicator.

- J

Oh, so that's what you meant by sleeping with her? I thought you would actually, you know, sleep.

- P

...

- J

Oh, poor naive Wormtail.

-M

I figured you two had psychic dreams and go frolicking in the woods together.

- P

...that would actually be pretty cool, but no. We just have sex.

- J

Just sex? Really? Cos the customers tell me you're into some pretty kinky stuff. Just sayin'.

-S

Well, it all eventually ends up as sex...but I'm not about to detail our foreplay routines in the Thingy.

- J

Is that why I found a horse whip under my bed?

- P

...man, i still have the red marks on my back from that.

- J

Will somebody PLEASE think of the First Years? And me, for that matter.

-M

Can't we just make this the "ages seventeen and over" edition? I'm sick of holding back just because of those damn First Years.

- S

Hmph. I would protest but I doubt you'd listen, however –

-M

Great! So now that's sorted, let's get down to the dirty details!

-S

Well, Tuesdays is theme night. So Lily and I like to –

- J

Before you go any further, I'd just like you to think about what you're about to say, and the fact that we will be completely incapable of unthinking any mental images you create.

-M

Hmm, good point. Lily might whip me if I divulge the secrets of our love life (what of it they haven't already seen through the window, thankyouverymuch, Sirius). And let me tell you, it's definitely possible to be whipped too hard

- J

...I think I know now what those strange noises coming from the stairs that time were...good news is, Peeves is the only poltergeist.

- P

I think she enjoys whipping me a tad too much.

- J

Right. I think that's my cue to change the topic by reminding everyone of the question. So! Just a friendly reminder from your only sane friend, that the purpose of this Thingy is to give advice, and that you should be fulfilling that purpose presently.

-M

Oh, right. Yes, Sirius should definitely turn into a girl again and shag Diggory. Question answered. Nice work there.

- J

Yay! Do we get cake now?

- P

I'm surprised Sirius hasn't said anything yet. Oh, wait, there he is. He's too busy sputtering indignantly to say anything.

-M

WHAT? I NOT doing that. ANY of that. YOU are a tosser.

-S

Why not? We could charge people five gallons to watch. I know a number of people who would like to see that.

- J

I hope those people aren't any people I know. I'd be most disturbed.

-M

Psh, you're ALWAYS disturbed Moony.

-P

Not without reason.

-M

Oh, I think you know a few of them. You know Alison, your study partner for Potions?

- J

Of course I know my own study partner. Why do you mention her?

–M

Oh, no reason...

- J

Let me just end this right now. I NOT going to go ahead with this INSANE ploy. There is absolutely NOTHING in the goddamned world that will make me agree to this. NOTHING.

- S

Oh really?

- J

NOTHING.

- S

Well, if it makes you feel better, you don't have to do EVERYTHING James suggested. I mean, I for one am against turning you into a girl, I still have nightmares about last time.

- M

Yeah! You can just skip that bit if you don't want to do it. I wonder if Diggory'd mind though?

-P

Hmm, good point. Perhaps true love can overcome gender differences...or lack thereof. Isn't that what all those homosexual support groups keep saying?

- J

THATS EVEN WORSE! There's DEFINITELY no way I'm sleeping with Diggory, period. ESPECIALLY as a man. I swear you people are just saying this stuff to scare me

- S

No, we're trying to make money. You should be proud. We're following your example.

- J

Exactly. You should have known when you installed a one-way-window into our dorm that there would be negative repercussions. Of the vengeful sort.

-M

THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

- S

Really? Now I'm curious. What sort of vengeance DID you have in mind?

-M

...well, it certainly didn't involve THIS.

- S

Aw come on, Sirius, you can borrow my fluffy handcuffs. Or should I say, Lily's fluffy handcuffs. I reckon Diggory would be into that sort of thing.

- J

I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH DIGGORY

- S

Who said anything about sleeping?

- M

MOONY!

-S

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

M

Is his face red because he's pissed off? Or because he's embarrassed? Or because he secretly wants to "bang" Diggery...whatever that means

- P

I'd say a combination of everything. He's pissed and embarrassed because he secretly dreams of Diggory and his "muscles" and exploring said muscles.

- J

I HATE YOU ALL.

- S

He's just thinking about rolling his oats. Polishing the footstones. Tapping the midnight still. Forging the moaning statue. Bucking the forbidden horse. Donning the velvet hat. If you get my meaning.

-M

Nice work Moony. I think this is the longest you've managed to talk about sex without blushing and telling us to grow up. Well done.

- J

...What? There's hats involved now?

- P

It's a little thing called a "euphemism" Peter.

-M

...dude, kinky.

- P

I'm not sure you understand...

-M

Don't bother. He's never going to get it.

- J

Get what?

- P

Never mind, Peter, never mind.

-M

Where do babies come from?

- P

Not this again. I swear you just do that to get under our skin.

-M

... What do you even do with your girlfriend, again?

- J

We eat toast. And play "hide the popsicle".

- P

...

- J

You see, I get the popsicle and hide it around the room, and then she has to find it. It's usually under the rock.

- P

...thank Merlin, I thought it was something totally different.

- J

I wonder what happened to Sirius? I hope he's not too cross about this question, he seemed a little miffed before, you know?

-M

Hey, where did he go?...Sirius, get back here. You can't climb out that window. It's a forty metre drop, you idiot.

- J

I think I'll take my chances!

- S

If you're paralysed, how will you keep Diggory from "taking" you? Or from me turning you into a girl for our amusement?

- J

OH MERLIN NO.

-S

Wow, I've never seen Sirius so easily dissuaded from doing something he'd set his mind to. Like climbing out the window, for example.

-M

Yes, I think we're finally found the right motivation for him.

- J

Yeah, the things people will do to avoid being ass-raped. You suck James. And I hate you.

-S

Oh, I'm fairly sure you would be the one doing the sucking –

- J

MERLIN JAMES POTTER. I am THIS far away from THROTTLING your scrawny arse right here!

- S

Now now Sirius, save that sort of thing for Diggory.

-M

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Sirius.

- J

Hey look, the vein in his forehead is back!

- P

Really now? I was almost beginning to miss it.

-M

I LOATHE YOU ALL!

- S

Hmm, there should really be another word that means something stronger than hate. Loathe just doesn't quite cut it.

- J

I'm sure if you invested in a thesaurus you'd be able to think of something.

-M

I can't. I spent my last sickle on... well, let's just say Lily made me buy it.

- J

Right, no need to elaborate. My curiosity is sated (not that it existed in the first place, mind you).

-M

...so, she made you buy her dresses?

- P

...sure, let's go with that. I suppose they could be considered clothing... in some exclusive circles...

- J

What did I say about elaboration and the distinct lack of need for it?

-M

Hey, Pete asked.

- J

I don't care. At least he's not talking about sodding Diggory.

- S

Oh, yeah, that reminds me.

- J

Why did I have to open my bloody mouth?

- S

I ask you that question all the time Sirius, and yet still have no answer.

-M

I saw Diggory skulking around the hall before. I think he was trying to find a way into our common room. I told the Fat Lady not to let him in, even if he somehow miraculously gets our password...

- J

And of course the Fat Lady would have every reason to listen to you James. I thought she was still, er, upset about you and Sirius' last prank.

-M

...oh crap, you're right. I hope she doesn't let him –

- J

Hey chaps, have you seen a tall busty woman around lately? My sources say she's a Gryffindor.

- Amos Diggory

...Diggory, what the hell are you doing in our common room?

- S

Well, this can only lead to disaster.

-M

Just looking for the girl. I have to find her. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on!

- Amos

You're not going to compare her to a Summer's day are you? Because I don't think I could withhold my laughter.

-M

Um, Diggory, I think it would be a good idea if you left. Now.

- J

You know, she kind of looks like you, Black. Do you have a sister or cousin I don't already know about?

- Amos

He probably has several. They're probably married to each other, knowing his family.

-M

Shut up Moony. Other than Bellatrix? No. I'd say Regulus is like a sister to me. Maybe you should go bother him. In fact, why don't you? The Slytherin password is "pig intestine".

- S

Yeah, or you could ask James to do that spell again.

- P

Spell?

- Diggory

Nothing. Don't listen to Peter. His brain's been addled. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Now get going!

- S

It's this spell that James cast, which turned Sirius into a –

- P

SHUT UP WORMTAIL.

- S

But, he was just about to explain!

- Diggory

And you. Get out already will you!

-S

Yes, I think it's time you left. You don't want to make McGonagall mad do you? She does hate it when non-Gryffindors intrude into the common room. She might have another argument with Professor Sprout. Remember what happened last time? There were winding vines everywhere.

- J

As I recall, the only reason there were any non-Gryffindors in the common room was because you decided to have a massive, and rather unruly might I add, party for James' sixteenth birthday.

- M

Well, that was a fantastic party, was it not? Until bloody Lucious decided to crash it with his Slytherin friends. Bastard. I hear it took Pomfrey seven vials of healing potion to fix his nose. I'm quite proud of that.

- J

Yes, well, you're the one who decided to make the password common knowledge amongst the entire castle. I don't imagine the Fat Lady was pleased.

-M

Oh, I remember that party. That was when I first hooked up with that Ravenclaw. Jillian, I think her name was. Quite lovely. Not as lovely, of course, as my grey-eyed maiden.

- Amos

Again with the mystery chick. Get over it Diggory, she doesn't like you. Now get out of here and move on!

- S

Oh you never know Diggory, she could be out there, waiting for you, pining for your love. You know. Things of that nature. Don't give up good man, you may yet see your desired damsel.

-M

You are one sly bastard, Remus Lupin. I'm onto you, that bookish facade isn't fooling anyone.

-S

Why is Black more irritable than normal? It's quite odd.

- Amos

Oh, you know, hormones. I think it's his time of the month.

- J

That... does not make any sense.

- Amos

It makes more sense than you know.

- J

Okay, this is kind of creeping me out.

-Amos

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

-M

Creeping you out, or turning you on?

- J

A bit both?

- P

Oh, is that the time? I think I'd better go. It's awfully late.

- Amos

Heh, funny, it turns out the fact that you're all complete and utter tossers comes in handy sometimes.

-S

Well, he left pretty quickly. Perhaps we were wrong, and true love does not indeed conquer all.

- J

...maybe you could try turning Sirius into a girl again?

- P

Well, that is one possibility

- J

Hmm... maybe our antics were slightly off putting. Ah well, we live to fight another day, as they say. And I would kindly suggest we not apply any gender-altering spells to Sirius' personage, I'd rather not have to ask Made Pomfrey for yet another batch of memory potions. I think she's starting to get suspicious.

-M

Are you sure? We could just do it one more time. I know the reversal spell now. It could be funny.

- J

NO BLOODY WAY. You people have had enough fun for one day. I will NOT just sit here and have you change my anatomy. And don't even think about it, James, or I'll break your wand!

-S

Which one?

- J

ALL OF THEM!

- S

Relax Sirius, I was just messing around. Merlin you need to relax. How about some bath salts and scented candles?

- J

Indeed, I'm sure you'd find that relaxing. We could even get Pete to chase Diggory and bring him back so he could join you, if you so wished.

-M

Oh, that sounds like a great idea. Maybe then you could go eat some silver, James could sodomise himself with his broomstick, and Pete could make friends with Mrs Norris. What a great bloody plan.

- S

Indeed. If you don't mind me saying, you seem a bit, how shall I put it, upset at the moment. Is something bothering you by chance?

-M

Oh, it may just be that my supposed "friends" are all bloody backstabbers who won't be happy until I've been sexually abused by the biggest ponce in the school.

- S

Well, I never said it wouldn't be consensual...

- J

I hate you.

- S

But you've made your point. No more joking about Diggory. Marauders' honour.

- J

Thank you.

- S

Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.

-M

I promise never to talk about how much you long for his touch again.

- J

You little –

- S

You should know better Sirius, Marauders' have no honour

- J

Whatever the case about the ambiguous nature of the honour of a Marauder, I propose we move on from this silliness, onto the next exciting question. So, shall we?

-M

Oh yes, more chances to tempt Sirius with the forbbidden fruit...of other men. I can't wait.

- J

I'm going to make a widow out of Lily by the end of this.

- S

A widow? Did you marry her James? You didn't say! How come I wasn't invited to the wedding?

-P

No, Pete, I'm not married. Not yet anyway. But believe me, if I do get engaged, you'll be the last person to know.

- J

Thanks...wait a sec

- P

Dear Marauder's,

I'm a sixteen year old virgin, and I Siriusly need to get laid. Do you know anyone who can help me with my "problem"?

- Celibacy sucks!

P.S. I'm looking for a one night stand, NOT an actual relationship!

Ha! Finally! See James? Girls are just out for a one-night-stand. So much for commitment!

-S

Clearly this girl is misinformed. There is nothing wrong with still being a virgin at sixteen.

- J

I concur. We shouldn't be supporting this growing trend in the belief that being a teenaged virgin is something to be ashamed of.

-M

Exactly. I mean, Moony was seventeen by the time he popped his cherry.

- J

It figures you'd say that. You lot are just out to ruin my fun. I mean, what's so wrong with exploiting girls' insecurities? ... Okay, I know that sounds bad, but it really isn't. Really.

-S

Can we PLEASE not talk about my private life? I mean really.

-M

Sirius, we should be telling these girls to appreciate themselves and their virginity, not throw it away like a used tissue. What kind of message are you sending to the First Years?

- J

But I thought we were supposed to talk about your private life

- P

No. The opposite in fact, Peter. And I agree with James, Sirius, supporting this sort of attitude would be adding to the growing change in attitude in society that is leading towards the trivialisation of sexual activities.

-M

Pft! It's just a bit of fun. Typical you making a big deal out of every little thing.

- S

But Sirius, your first time should be something special. This girl deserves better than your sleazy broom cupboard escapades. She deserves candles, and incense, and chocolate covered strawberries. And romantic music. Not dirty socks and tins of white paint.

- J

She deserves finesse and an experienced and attractive male, aka, moi.

- S

Experience doesn't matter. It's going to be lousy either way. At least the flickering lights and stink of cinnamon will distract from the disappointment.

– J

You see, that shows what you know. First times can be brilliant, if you're with someone who has stunningly good looks and knows exactly what they're doing. In other words, you know you're gonna have a good time if it's with, yours truly, Sirius Black.

- S

Once again I'm astounded by your humility. How do you manage it Sirius? Indeed it is one of the great mysteries of the universe.

-M

Before or after she steps into the filthy mop bucket?

- J

Well, obviously I'd have kicked the mop-bucket into a corner, or vanished it or something. I'm not as inconsiderate as you like to believe, Mr I'm-Oh-So-Romantic James Potter.

-S

Funny you forgot to do that for Caroline. The girls talk about that sort of thing, you know. And most of them agree it wasn't very romantic. Hardly the environment to deflower a young maiden.

- J

You know mate, you spend far too much time gossiping with girls. You're turning into one of those crazy paranoid house-wives who spend their lives gas-bagging about their neighbours.

-S

Well now that I'm practically tied down myself, I've got my own talking parrot who does little else but gossip when we're not being intimate or discussing school...and if you're reading this Lily, I love you...remember that.

- J

...you're married to a parrot now? Eww.

- P

That's bestiality James, I thought you were above that.

-S

Oh don't you start, you lecherous pervert.

- J

Don't worry Peter, Sirius is just being his usual, immature self. James isn't really married to a parrot, at least, I should hope not.

-M

Of course not. But seriously, Sirius I don't think it's a good idea for you to "help" this girl. What if she's got a large burly older brother? He might not be too happy if he finds out what happened. Remember what happened after Julia?

- J

Ah yes. Julia. You know, it never would have worked between us anyway.

- S

Of course, because you left her completely of your own volition, and not because her brother said he'd hunt you down and use your entrails to paint his fence or anything.

-M

That was mere coincidence.

-S

Sure. And what about Tabitha?

- J

What about her?

- S

Ah yes, how could anyone forget that fiasco.

-M

She had two brothers after you. One of them gave you a black eye, if I recall correctly, while the other one cracked a rib. You swore after that that you'd never take advantage of a girl's insecurities again.

- J

...that was probably the painkillers talking.

- S

You know, I would say that you deserved to be taught a lesson, but I doubt you're capable of learning from your mistakes, past, present or future.

-M

What's to learn from? Sometimes shit happens, sometimes it doesn't.

- S

But surely you've realised that there are certain events which lead to a higher chance of shit happening. Such as you destroying the purity of young women who don't know what they're doing.

- J

Actions have no meaning. Everything is just a random series of events. It's all just one big coincidence.

– S

You don't seriously believe that, do you?

- J

I have to mate, I have to.

– S

Well, I suppose that explains more than it doesn't, then.

–M

I have no idea what you're talking about.

-P

I guess that's for the best, Peter old friend.

-M

That doesn't even make any sense!

- J

Well, clearly "making sense" is a far off dream at this point, James. I lost hope long ago, but I see the dream still lives on amongst the idealistic youth of today. Oh to be young again.

-M

...you just turned seventeen Moony!

- J

I am aware of that fact. I was joking. It was a joke. As in "oh, jolly good, I am amused." And don't say what I know you're going to say.

-M

Pretty piss-poor joke if you ask me.

-S

Yes, that was the thing I was referring to you not saying, thank you for that Sirius.

-M

Well you're acting more like a bitter old crone every day, it's hard to know when you're joking or being seriously wistful.

- J

It's a bit of both, most days.

-M

What the hell do you have to be bitter about? You're getting top marks, you've dating one of the finest chicks in this school, and you've got the three greatest best friends anyone could ask for. What more could you want?

- S

A touch of sanity. But, yes, I suppose you're right. How uncharacteristically insightful of you.

-M

Well, I'm here to enlighten.

- S

When you're not busy deflowering innocent youths.

- J

You know, there aren't many innocent youths left to deflower James, I mean, that are within a reasonable age-bracket.

-S

That's because you're deflowered half of them!

- J

Well, as much as I'd like to, I can't take all the credit.

- S

You're unbelievable.

- J

Well, statistically speaking, it's not likely that Sirius has deflowered all the girls in Hogwarts. I mean, as much as he brags, he hasn't slept with every single female in this castle.

-M

Yeah, I know of at least one girl he has never slept with.

- J

Who? Bianca? Nah, I went back the next week and we talked it out...whilst naked.

- S

I'm talking about Lily.

- J

Oh, right...yeah, she's all yours...

- S

...you...you have not slept with her, right?

- J

Of course I haven't, mate. You've been pining after her since Third Year. Bros before hoes, and all that. I wouldn't dare...unless she made the first move. Then it's fair game.

- S

Luckily for you, that's never going to happen.

- J

Yes, Sirius, I'd hope you'd draw the line somewhere. And I'm glad to say that Lily has better taste, apparently, than most of the girls attending this school. Then again, she IS going out with James... so I suppose maybe her taste isn't that great after all...

-M

Hey, whose side are you on here?

- J

I'm not on any side. I am a neutral third party.

-M

Sure you are. Traitor.

- J

He means that he's on the side with the most chocolate.

-P

Ridiculous. I would not be bought with such bribery.

-M

I don't see why you're getting your panties all twisted up about this, Prongsie old pal. You've certainly un-maidened a few lasses in your day.

- S

What? Don't be ridiculous. Of course I haven't...

- J

Two words; Kathleen Turner.

- S

...I had no idea at the time...she was just a summer fling

- J

Doesn't change the fact that you're a hypocrite my friend.

- S

Well, to be fair, James' flings never quite matched your own, Sirius.

-M

Yes, thank you Moony. The few girls who I've happened to encounter are but a drop in the ocean compared to Sirius' conquests.

- J

What about Felica? And Monica? And Stacey? And Lily?

- S

Lily is my girlfriend.

- J

She still counts.

- S

You've never really had a steady girlfriend Sirius. At least, not one you've managed to go a month with without cheating on.

-M

What? You want me to stay true to one girl and deny the rest of the world a piece of Sirius? Do you know how cruel that is? The injustice? I could never commit such a terrible crime. Everyone deserves a bit of Sirius in their lives.

- S

And some of us have too much.

- J

Exactly, that's why I've got to spread it around. No one girl can handle all of me. I mean, I need three best friends instead of just one. I'd probably need double that amount in girlfriends.

- S

From the way you act, I'd think your goal was to quadruple it. Or more.

-M

Well, the more the merrier, as they say.

- S

Maybe you should move to a country where polygamy is actually legal, in that case. Like Saudi Arabia.

- J

Are we the merry men then? I thought we were the Marauders? Does that make James Robin Hood?

-P

I'm not living in a desert...with all the scorpions...and the heat. Don't be ridiculous James. And clearly I am the star of this show. James is Little John.

- S

What does that make me?

- P

The washer maid.

- S

Well, in any event, I refuse to be Friar Tuck.

-M

But he's perfect, Moony, plays by the rules, always out to spoil Robin Hood's grand plans. Just like you!

- S

...have you even read Robin Hood?

- J

...it's a book now?

- S

Yes. And if you had read it, you would see that I would make the best Robin Hood. And Lily would be my Maid Marian.

- J

Haha, she's not much of a "maid" now.

- S

But doesn't Robin Hood steal from the rich and give to the needy? Does that mean we have to steal from Sirius? 'Cause, I'm cool with that.

-P

Yes indeed, Peter. Go steal from Sirius now, and give the money to me, the needy Friar, who needs to buy some chocolate.

-M

No, give it to me, Robin Hood. I shall redistribute it amongst the disillusioned masses...aka, myself and Remus.

- J

I can live with that, as long as I get a decent cut.

-M

Are we all forgetting that I'm fresh out of cash since my parent's disowned me? I think I'm more needy than you lot.

-S

Says the boy with the jewel encrusted wand.

- J

...what? It's a family heirloom...

- S

Didn't you inherit a veritable tonne of galleons from your Uncle Alphrad?

-M

Yes, the one family member I liked (apart from Andromeda that is) died and left me all this money. Thanks for reminding me Remus.

-S

Sorry, I was simply pointing out the flaw in your previous statement.

-M

Remus is right, you're hardly in the poor house. You have enough money to live comfortably and never work a day in your life. It's a good thing you uncle was such a tight-arse and never spent anything.

- J

Hey, say what you will about my family, but Uncle Alphred was a great man. And yes, it's true he didn't like to spend much. But you don't have to say it like that.

- S

Honestly James, and you berate Sirius for being insensitive.

-M

Wait, so are we stealing anything or not? Cos I got my balaclava out and everything...

-P

...I didn't mean it like that, jeeze.

- J

I would thank you to leave me what possessions I have left, Pete. Else you would like to lose a finger.

- S

If nothing else, you would make an excellent guard dog, Sirius. If only you could get over your lecherous ways. I hear they neuter dogs like that, so they don't get distracted from the guarding.

- J

That is a supurb idea. Though I doubt we'd be able to find someone with the proper qualifications to do so in Hogwarts...

-M

Perhaps not, but I believe I know of a few...underground practitioners who would do just as good a job.

- J

...wait, are you seriously talking about having me neutered? What kind of friends are you?

- S

We're simply trying to do the world a service. Besides, it's not uncommon for dogs to be neutered Sirius. You'll be fine.

-M

But it's animal cruelty! It should be illegal! How more horrifying can you get than cutting off someone's balls? It's bloody barbaric!

- S

Well, it's not like they do it when you're conscious...

- J

...wait, so someone's going to cut off Sirius' balls? Why didn't we think of this sooner? It would solve the problems you've been complaining about, right?

- P

I really don't think that would solve any problems, apart from perhaps the problem of me not actually killing the lot of you on sight. Did I mention you're a bunch of tossers?

- S

Only a billion times. And just so you know, we love you too.

- J

Grrr...

- S

You know Sirius, making dog noises (of which growling is one, might I add) is not at all helping your petition for us to not treat you like a dog.

-M

Hey, that reminds me, I was passing a pet store in the summer holidays and I took the liberty of picking up your birthday present early. Here's a hint; it rhymes with bog piscuits.

- J

Is it dog biscuits?

- P

Oh, good. I was worried at first that we'd gotten the same thing, but mine starts with 'd' and rhymes with 'og collar'.

- M

Seriously, why am I even friends with you people? All you ever do it mock and insult me. And occasionally inflict pain. Why do I put up with this?

- S

Because you love us?

- M

My only response to that Moony, is laughter. Hysterical, ceaseless laughter.

-S

What about my gillyweed supply? If I recall correctly, that's why we became best friends in the first place...or at least, when we were in First Year, it was my mother's triple chocolate chip cookies. But whatever. It's all substance abuse.

-J

...your mum does bake amazing cookies...

- S

...Yes, I really do hope your gillyweed supply was not in existence at the age of eleven...

- M

Of course not...that didn't come in until Third Year...

- J

Yes, because that's so much better.

- M

In my defence, the Sixth Years told me it was magic tea leaves. Forgive me for being so naive at thirteen.

- J

I would if you hadn't used that exact same line on some Third Years a couple of days ago.

- M

It's called passing down the mantle, Moony.

- S

Exactly. Like a rite of passage.

- J

It's called gross irresponsibility is what it's called.

- M

Honestly, what harm is it going to do? We've been smoking gillyweed for years, and look at us; we're perfectly fine.

- J

Exactly. We haven't experienced hair loss, erectile dysfunction or blindness at all. Those smear campaigns are making shit up.

- S

I wouldn't exactly describe you as "fine". In fact, if I were to make a list of words in order of which ones would make apt descriptions of you, "fine" would be around the mid three-hundreds.

- M

...like you can talk, Mr OCD. The fact you're even making lists tells me you're a far distance from fine too.

- J

For the last time colour co-ordinating my socks does not make me OCD! How many times must we have this conversation?

- M

No, but colour-coordinating your wardrobe and organising your stationary in alphabetical order is OCD, not to mention the way you freak out at us at any change in schedule.

- J

You schedule things to be at ridiculous times just to annoy me! 4.17 is an inappropriate time to schedule something. It's just wrong! At least make it 4.00 or 4.30, it's just so much neater.

- M

Fun doesn't wait for when it's "neat", Moony. Fun is spontaneous. No wonder you struggle to grasp the concept.

- J

I have fun. This is another conversation we need not repeat.

- M

Yes, but your definition of fun is something you can fit into a neatly compacted box, between 4.00 and 4.30, back in time to have afternoon tea and then a nap before dinner.

- J

But James, you know how Moony gets if he doesn't have a nap before dinner

- P

Yes, he gets all fussy and irritable. Much like a child.

- J

Indeed. Very child-like. Moony is actually highly using when he's cranky. James, remember when I stole all the roast pumpkin from his plate and then he charmed all the food within a ten metre radius to throw itself at your head because I told him it was you? Fun times.

- S

...yes...fun. Almost as fun as the time I convinced him you replaced all his chocolate with laxatives, and he charmed your sweater into an un-removable strait-jacket.

- J

You have to admit, the strait-jacket was quite a good idea. I should do it more often. It would make the world a happier place.

- M

Yes, I agree. It would lead to much less stolen food...and groping of women, of course.

- J

Those are bad things. That is a bad idea. You are bad people.

- S

No, we are good people. You are the bad person, who needs to be stopped, before you do more bad things.

- J

Bad? Bad? Bad like tying up your supposed best friend and throwing him off the astronomy tower?

-S

...that only happened once...and I said I was sorry...with Apology Gillyweed.

- J

As much as it pains me to say this, I suppose you do have a point. Throwing people off the astronomy tower would be considered bad in most social circles.

- M

But not this one apparently?

- P

Apparently.

- M

We're a special case.

-J

Head case more like.

- M

Yet, you're one of us. And quite willingly, I might add.

- J

I know. That mere fact alone verifies that my theory that your crazy is contagious is in fact correct. Thank you James, you have given me your crazy.

-M

What about my crazy? Is my crazy contagious?

- S

I certainly hope not. If so, the future looks bleak.

- M

Only your herpes is contagious, Sirius.

- J

For the last time, the healer said I was clean!

- S

And we only have your word on that. Which is completely trustworthy. Completely.

- M

No, she gave me a certificate and everything. James saw, didn't you Prongsie?

- S

...well all know your aptitude for forgery...

- J

...You suck. I hope you know that.

- S

At least he doesn't have herpes...

- M

You also suck. You all suck.

-S

Even me?

- P

Especially you!

- S

...what did I do-

-P

You all suck! I have half a mind to dump you all and find a new group of friends.

- S

Don't be stupid Sirius...no one else would put up with you like we do.

- J

James is right. You'd be thrown off of the Astronomy Tower before you can say "Remus, James, Peter, I apologise for being a plonker and am ever so grateful for your friendship!"

- M

Pft, don't be daft. I'm Sirius Black. People are literally lining up to be friends with me.

- S

I think you're confusing that with the line of angry brothers and boyfriends who want your blood.

- J

And teachers who want your blood.

- M

And ex-girlfriends who want your blood.

- P

And let's not forget the Slytherins, who you've harassed since First Year.

- J

Okay, okay, I get it. But there's still bound to be someone in this school who'd want to be friends with me.

- S

...yes. And that's us. The people, who already know how retarded and criminally insane you are, but choose to hang out with you anyway.

- J

Honestly Sirius, I don't know what you're complaining about. We get the shorter end of the deal. Isn't it nice to have such supportive and accepting friends?

- M

I hope you're being sarcastic Moony.

- S

But we're not that bad, really. Remember last week when you asked to copy my potions essay, and I said "sure" and gave it to you? See what a good friend I am?

- J

...you shouldn't copy essays. Slughorn will notice, and it completely goes against the entire purpose for going to school, which is to learn, I might add, in case that wasn't already clear.

- M

...I thought we were here to prank Slytherins?

- P

We're here to do many things, Pete. And Moony, I wasn't copying James' essay, I was merely using it for...inspiration...

- S

Sirius, that's what normal people call "copying".

-M

Normal people? Who are these "normal" people you speak of?

- S

Oh, I think you may know a few of them- everyone else but you!

- J

Yes, that is the base requirement of being a normal person: not being Sirius Black.

- M

Also the base requirement of being a decent human being.

- J

And the base requirement for not being awesome! Boo yah! Take that!

- S

...Anyway, Sirius' insatiable ego aside, I think we've managed to get sidetracked, yet again, from our true purpose.

- J

That seems to be a requirement of this Thingy, doesn't it? I confess, I can't even remember the question...

- M

I do! I was about getting with me! I always remember those questions.

- S

That doesn't surprise me.

- M

No, the question was about losing your virginity at sixteen, which I still say is far too young for someone to be worrying about. When you're forty and still a virgin, then there's reason to worry and reach for desperate measures, i.e. Sirius.

- J

Come now James, don't be ridiculous. There's never any cause to resort to measures that desperate.

-M

What great friends you lot are. What would I do without you? Oh! I know: get laid.

-S

You do that anyway. Despite our best efforts, women seem to be blinded to your idiocy and complete tosser-ness, through some sort of charm or something you've probably cast on yourself.

- J

My theory is that it's a potion he mixes in his flea shampoo. Maybe some kind of love potion, or at least something that gives off strong fumes that when inhaled cause hallucinations of Sirius being in some way, shape or form a somewhat adequate selection for a romantic (or as it were, not so romantic) partner. I've been developing this hypothesis for several years and think it's the most logical conclusion.

- M

... YOU'RE a logical conclusion.

- S

I look forward to reading the thesis...or at least the abstract.

- J

It's still a work in progress. I haven't had the opportunity to conduct all of the experiments I've been planning.

- M

Wait, what?

-S

Don't worry Sirius, when it happens, you'll know.

- M

If you need any help with that, I'm in. As long as I get credit as a contributor –

J

Can I help?

- P

Um, I'm sure I can think of something for you to do... How about you be the official chocolate supplier! How does that sound?

– M

It sounds like you're trying to get me to buy you chocolate.

- P

Yes, it does sound rather like that doesn't it? But it's an important role. Very important. Some would say, the most important.

- M

Yes, almost as important as firewhiskey supplier.

- J

But I can't by alcohol. I'm underage!

- P

Pete...we're all underage.

- J

Oh. Yeah. How do you normally get it then?

- P

Well, Sirius usually goes in and flirts with the girl at the counter- ...I may have just remembered why we're friends with Sirius

- J

Because of my winning personality or dashing good looks?

- S

Well, it's clearly not for your ability to give sound advice.

- M

It's more the fact you can use your supposed "good looks" to cheat the system and get us booze.

- J

Even though some might think we are beyond this point in the Thingy, I do feel the need to point out that underage drinking is irresponsible and should not be practiced. That is all.

- M

Do as I say, not as I do, eh Moony?

- J

Something like that... Moving on, I think all the normal and decent people here can safely agree that sixteen is no age to be concerned about losing one's virginity, and that any age is no age to be considering losing it to Sirius Black.

- M

Agreed. Now who wants a butterbeer before the next question?

- J

I do!

- P

Dear Marauders,

This question is mostly directed at Remus since he "seems" to be the only sane one out of the four of you. (Though I'm sure James, Sirius and Peter will disagree rather vehemently.) Basically I need some advice about your so-called Advice Thingy, as it seems to be more accurately the Make-Every-Student-In-The-Whole-Bloody-School-Go-Completely-Insane Thingy. What I want to know is, how do you put up with a Gillyweed addict who's hopelessly in love with Lily Evans, a man-slut who apparently has an average relationship length of about hours and a complete and utter idiot (sorry about all the long words, Peter, by the way). Because I literally going crazy just reading your Advice Thingy that isn't really an Advice Thingy because it's really a Make-Every-Student-In-The-Whole-Bloody-School-Go-Completely-Insane Thingy and it can't be both at the se time and... GAH! Don't you see what you're doing? I hate run-on sentences and here I , speaking in them myself! HELP ME!

(Not So) Slowly Going Insane

...sounds like someone needs a joint of gillyweed.

-J

What? Remus the only sane one? I disagree vehemently!

- S

Yes, well, I would say that those are rather accurate observations. How do I put up with it? Well, in a range of ways really. I have a pair of spelled earmuffs (the others are under the impression that my ears are particularly sensitive to the cold) that specifically block out sounds I find annoying, like their voices for instance. And Sirius is actually quite manageable if you have a sufficient quantity of fleas and access to his beddings and clothes, and James is usually either too stoned or too love-struck (it's sometimes difficult to differentiate between the two) to be much of a nuisance and Peter, well, he may be a bit slow sometimes but he's not so bad really.

- M

...wait, where are we?

- P

I am not always stoned or love stuck...occasionally I'm also drunk. Don't forget that.

- J

Oh of course, forgive me for that terrible oversight.

- M

You and your fleas... you're a cruel man Moony, cruel and heartless.

- S

Well, maybe you shouldn't throw my textbooks at James just because you think he cheated in chess.

- M

But he did! That bastard!

- S

Me? Cheat? Never! I'm just a better chess player than you. And far more good looking.

- J

You sir, are a cheat and a liar. A plague on both your houses!

- S

Sirius, please don't try to quote Shakespeare. Please.

- M

I knew teaching him "culture" was a bad idea.

- J

I know, it is something I will forever regret.

- M

Oh, I know Shakespeare. He's that bloke who shook spears, right? I love him.

- P

Yes, Pete, that's exactly who Shakespeare was. He was also the inventor of the milkshake, and not in any way the greatest playwright in history.

- M

Oh! I love milkshakes!

- P

...sometimes, I really wonder if he was dropped on the head as a child...

- J

We all do, James, we all do.

-S

What? Yeah I loved milkshakes as a child too, if that's what you're asking... I never knew this Shakespeare guy invented them though. I figured he was probably too busy shaking spears, you know? I guess that maybe one day he got tired of shaking spears and just shook milk one day instead...

- P

Shh, Peter, I think you're going to make Moony cry... or consider going on a homicidal rampage... one of those two.

- S

Where are my earmuffs? I think my ears a cold.

- M

Those things? I was hungry, to I transfigured them into hamburgers. Real tasty.

- J

I hate you.

- M

Sorry...i though they were Sirius'.

- J

Since when have I ever worn earmuffs?

- S

...I thought maybe you had taken a sudden interest in winter ear protection.

- J

...well you thought wrong.

- S

I think –

- P

Don't lie, Pete.

- S

Shut up Sirius. As I was saying, I think... no wait, I've forgotten now.

- P

I take back what I said earlier about it not being so bad. Someone save me before I completely lose my marbles.

- M

Marbles? I didn't know you had marbles? Do you want me to help you find them?

- P

May I suggest another entertaining and hilarious transfiguration adventure? Like a pidgeon. Or maybe a polecat...

- J

I don't know. My head hurts. I think you lot have finally punctured my brain and all my sanity is leaking out.

- M

Aww, but seeing Peter run around as a cockroach could be funny. Oh! I know! A goldfish.

- J

I'm just going to be lying on the floor here, staring listlessly at the wall and waiting for the inevitable moment when I finally go completely insane.

- M

...I think we broke Moony.

- P

There's no need to be so melodramatic, Remus. And you say we are the annoying ones.

- J

Please just kill me now.

- M

To be, or not to be, that is the question.

- S

Actually, just kill Sirius.

- M

But we've already overused that gag. Any more times and people may start to think we actually intend to kill him.

- J

We don't? You've been lying to me this whole time? For shame James, for shame.

- M

Haha, very funny Moony, you'd never actually kill me... stop looking at me like that. It's unnerving.

- S

Yes, I agree. Stop looking so murderous. You'll scare the First Years.

- J

... I miss my earmuffs...

- M

Would it help if I transfigured something of Sirius' into new ones for you?

- J

Only if they're magical earmuffs that filter out his voice.

- M

...I could probably do that.

-J

Then yes. Yes it would help.

- M

Ok then, let's see what I can do...Sirius, give me your shoes.

- J

Hell no. These are Italian. Italian James!

- S

Please, you've got six other identical pairs in your trunk.

- J

One for each day of the week.

- S

Hand them over Sirius.

- J

...fine. But you owe me.

- S

Great. Now let's see...what's the spell...

- J

Stupid James... ruining my Wednesday shoes...

- S

Shut up. I'm trying to think.

- J

... you shut up.

- S

Shoicus earmuffius hey look, it worked.

- J

...oh, pink! My favourite colour.

- P

... Well as long as they work I suppose it doesn't matter what colour they are... Oh these are actually quite comfortable. Okay, let's test them. Sirius, say something annoying.

- M

You turned my one-hundred percent leather Italian, custom made shoes into pink earmuffs? I am outraged! Outraged beyond words!

- S

Get over it, you baby.

-J

It worked! Brilliant! Best shoe-earmuffs ever.

- M

Though really James, I have to congratulate you on some level for your transfiguration skills. You managed to turn a pair of handmade one-hundred percent Italian leather custom tailored shoes into the most hideous pair of earmuffs I have ever seen. Even I admit that it must have been difficult to turn something to stylish into something so... well... you can see them as well as I can. Bravo James, Bravo. Wednesdays will never be the same.
- S

...They're just shoes, Sirius. Shoes. What are you, a girl?

-J

No. Clearly Remus has that covered with his ridiculous pink earmuffs.

- S

This is brilliant work James, I can't hear a thing.

- M

Hmm, a thing you say...

-J

Are you plotting? I can sense some plotting. At least I'm pretty sure that's your plotting voice.

- P

No...this isn't my plotting voice...this is my plotting voice. Plot plot plot. Now shut up.

- J

Oh wow, that was really plotty.

- P

I can't believe you misjudged that Pete. Shame.

- S

Yes, have we taught you nothing over the past years? Nothing?

-J

Sure you have. I know how to get into the kitchens and I know that I shouldn't pull Sirius' tail when he's a dog... and by tail I mean hair... and by dog I mean... person...

- P

...smooth, Pete.

-J

These earmuffs smell kind of like feet... but other than that, no complaints. Consider my sanity saved.

- M

And that's my good deed done for the day. Time to crack out another splif of gillyweed.

- J

Yay gillyweed!

- P

None for you Pete. Not until you know who Shakespeare really is.

- J

You know, I might not be able to hear a thing you say, but I still have full use of my other senses. I'm not blind James, I can see the gillyweed and I can see the First Years and I can see the bad example being set.

- M

...they don't know it's gillyweed. They probably think it's... pixie dust.

- J

Oh, pixie dust? I want some!

- P

Shut up Pete.

- J

I can't hear what you're saying, but I know you're going to try to use the pixie dust excuse again, but I told you, pixie dust has even worse health risks than gillyweed. Wendy never went to Neverland, that's what most people call taking hallucinogenics and going on a massive drug trip. And then writing a children's book about it.

- M

...I can't believe I'm being scolded and you can't even hear me. I should've made those earmuffs blind you too. – J

You could just cast a silencing spell on him.

- S

Hey, brilliant idea Pads. Silencio.

- J

...he's glaring again.

- P

Yes, but at least he can't tell me off now. And he can't hear us either. This is brilliant.

- J

Indeed it is. Now, hand me the gillyweed, it's the least you can do after ruining my Wednesdays forever.

- S

Fine. But I highly doubt your Wednesdays will be forever marred by a lack of appropriate footwear.

- J

Thanks, mate. And they will. Trust me. I weep for the future.

- S

Come on. You don't hear me going on about all my stuff that you've ruined.

- J

...like what? I don't recall ever committing such a foul friendship crime as destroying something of yours-

-S

My father's compass, my blue sweater, first broomstick, my red tie, the wand case my grandmother knitted for me-

- J

Okay, okay, so I've ruined a few, small, insignificant things -

-S

And you also tore a certain special cloak, which cost a small fortune to repair.

- J

...I said I was sorry for that.

-S

Still, you did. So really, I should break a few of your things for us to be even...

- J

Well, now, I wouldn't get ahead of myself if I were you. I mean, the shoes alone should be enough, right? I mean, not only did they have a significant monetary value, but they had sentimental value as well. They were my favourite shoes to wear on Wednesdays, I mean, something like that just can't replaced right?

- S

...my cloak is a family heirloom. It's been in the family for centuries.

- J

Yes, but I actively seek to destroy my family heirlooms for my own amusement, so really the shoes are of much more value to me than any heirloom would be.

- S

But this is a magic cloak. That turns people- ...it's just special. More so than some lousy shoes.

-J

Yes, but it's fixed! And I did say sorry. And I would have helped pay for it if I hadn't been disowned. As I recall, I did donate a galleon or two to the cause.

- S

How can you afford custom-made Italian pure leather shoes, but not have any money to help pay for the cloak you ruined?

- J

To be fair James, the whole cloak thing was before my favourite uncle died and left me his fortune. Besides, it was sort of your fault as well anyway. I mean, it was mostly my fault, but I was only carrying out my part of your plan in the first place.

–S

No, you decided to deviate from the plan and detour past the girl's dorms so you could sneak in and see Hayley. If we had stuck to my plan, we never would've ended up running for our lives through Professor Sprout's Dancing Thorn Bushes.

-J

Well, you're the one who put the route so close to girls' dorms, you knew I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation, and yet you took that risk.

- S

Hey I remember that one! But wasn't the route on the other side of the castle to the girls dorms?

- P

As I said. So very very close.

- S

...you're grasping at straws, you know. And it's pathetic.

- J

No you.

- S

You're embarrassing yourself, really.

-J

You're embarrassing yourself.

- S

Moony- oh right, you can't hear me. Or speak. I'm beginning to see a downside.

-J

...he's still glaring. Still. I'm not sure if he's blinked yet...

- P

...you don't think I accidentally stunned him, do you?

-J

Actually, I kind of hope you did... he seems kind of mad.

- P

Nah, he's not stunned. See? That's his "I'm above you imbeciles so I'm just going to glare at you menacingly until you see sense and undo whatever misfortune you have dealt" look. Well, I'm pretty sure. It could also be his "I hate you and am going to destroy you as soon as I devise a painful enough method" look...

- S

...so...should I un-silence him? Or just let him sit there?

- J

Whatever you decide, just give me time to hide first...

- P

...I should un-silence him. Unsilencio.

-J

You know, I'd just like you to know that I hate you and am going to destroy you as soon as I devise a painful enough method.

- M

I knew it!

- S

Oh come on. So you couldn't talk for a few minutes. Get over it.

- J

I'm taking off these earmuffs so I can ridicule you all more effectively. Also, they really do smell like feet. And not just any ordinary feet, Sirius feet. I think I might pass out from the stench...

- M

My feet smell like fields of daisies, thank you very much.

- S

Sure, dead fields of daisies

- J

That have been covered in sewerage.

- M

...clearly you people and your inferior noses have no idea what you're talking about.

- S

Actually, our noses know all too well what we're talking about. You just don't notice it because your nose has been irreversibly damaged due to being in constant close proximity of the stench.
- M

Yeah, I'd vouch for that. I used to hate sleeping next to you, but now I barely notice the smell unless you've opened your trunk or the curtains around your bed or walked in my vicinity.

- J

You people over exaggerate so much. It's like I'm at an exaggerators convention.

- S

I'm on the verge of passing out from the stench now.

- J

Hey, I showered like an hour ago. Whatever you're smelling, it's not me.

- S

...Peter, when did you last shower?

- J

Don't look at me like that! Today's not shower day.

- P

Pete, every day should be shower day. Ever since Lily decided so.

- J

Of course. It's Lily's nose we should be concerned about at this point.

- M

Well, she *is* the most important person ever...

- J

Oh sorry, I forgot that fact, please forgive me.

- M

You're forgiven.

- J

How gracious of you.

- M

Anyway, what should we do about Pete? I suggest throwing him in the lake.

- J

The lake would just make the smell worse. I'm thinking something along the lines of bathtub. With lots of soap.

- M

Good idea. Lots and lots of soap. All the soap in the castle, in fact.

- J

Good plan, I'll go steal the soap from the girls' bathrooms shall I then?

- S

No. And don't look too happy Sirius; I think we should throw you in as well for good measure. Your feet are nauseating.

- M

Good idea. We can sneak into the Prefect bathroom. That place is huge, plus the mermaid always flirts with me whenever I'm there.

- J

What? No! I don't agree with this! You berks, my feet smell fine!

- S

Come on, you love that mermaid. She's topless.

- J

Well, you do have a point there, I'll give you that...

- S

You know, if I really smell that bad I can just go have a shower? You really don't need to throw me into anything...

- P

No, too late for that. We've decided to throw you into the bath. It's more fun for us that way.

- J

Well, fine, but I can just get in myself you know, you don't have to toss me in or anything.

– P

Yes he does. He's a tosser, it's in his nature.

-S

That's rich coming from you, destroyer-of-family-heirlooms.

- J

Yes, well, at least your Wednesdays remain untarnished.

- S

I doubt they'll ever be the same if you keep bringing this up every week.

- J

He will.

- M

Only because you tarnished them in the first place.

- S

...do someone's shoes need to be varnished?

-P

Not any more they don't. Maybe you can polish Moony's new smelly pink ear muffs instead.

- S

Quite frankly, I'm a little disappointed no one's commended me on my brilliant transfiguration efforts. They don't teach this kind of advanced stuff in class, I can tell you now.

-J

I said I was impressed! You managed to turn something truly beautiful into something truly... not. That was impressive. I was impressed. In a sort of annoyed and deeply saddened way. Deeply saddened.

- S

...I was hoping for more "Wow James, you made magic and stylish earmuffs out of some crappy shoes. You are amazing. I am amazed. Have all my chocolate, firewhiskey and toast."

- J

You and your ulterior motives. Keep your hands away from my chocolate.

- M

No ulterior motives. And you can keep your chocolate, in exchange for a little praise and adoration.

- J

I shouldn't have to "exchange" anything to keep something I already own.

- M

Do I really have to beg, Remus? Is this really what you've reduced me to?

- J

Say yes! Say yes!

- S

I'm not going to make James beg me to praise him for his transfiguration skills. James is the only one who can reduce himself to that level. If you're really that desperate for praise, go ask Peter.

- M

James is awesome! He is my favourite person named James!

- P

And that's why Pete's my favourite. Thanks Pete.

- J

Toast is awesome. Toast is my favourite food named toast!

- P

...I take it back. Pete, I hate you.

- J

Hate is awesome! Hate is my favourite... waaaaaaait...

-P

I don't see why we should be in awe of your horrible shoe-ruining skills. If you were Kreacher, Mother would kick you into the basement and not feed you for a week.

- S

...I really feel sorry for your house elf sometimes.

- J

You shouldn't. He spits in your food.

- S

...that bastard.

- J

Just be thankful he doesn't know about your mushroom allergy.

- S

Shush! I told you not to tell people about that. Now the Slytherins are going to try to poison me so I'm out of this week's Quidditch match. Nice going Sirius.

- J

If they wanted to poison you, they'd probably just put actual poison in your food. It's more their style.

- S

But where are they going to get real poison? Mushrooms are much more accessible. Those disgusting bastards grow in every dank corner and every crevice of this place.

- J

Mate, they live in a dungeon. They could just, scrape some of the slime off the walls. Or wring some of Snape's hair grease into a vial.

- S

Great, now I have to be worried about slime and Snape's hair grease. Thanks Sirius.

- J

No worries.

- S

I hate you. You're going to make me paranoid.

- J

Don't worry James, we'll make sure no-one puts slime, grease, poison or mushrooms in your food. And if they do, I'm sure some mysterious karmic event that is in no way related to me, law-abiding prefect that I am, will conveniently befall the perpetrators.

- M

Ah Moony, I do love your brand of karmic justice. Except on the occasions when they're found out and Pads and I get blamed. Because the "perfect prefect" would never ever set Merric's robes on fire after he knocked your box of chocolates, spilling them all on the floor.

- J

Me? Fire? Robes? Merric? Set? Why I never!

- M

Yes, well that's what McGonogall said, when I tried to tell her the truth. I'd never heard her laugh until that day.

- J

Because the very idea of such a thing is ludicrous. Honestly James, it's like you don't know me at all.

- M

Oh, I do know you. I know you better than anyone. Especially McGonogall.

- J

I'm with James on this one Moony. You know I got detention that time when you swapped Anderson's herbology project with a venomous tentacula, when I told Professor Sprout it was you she actually said "Remus? You really expect me to believe that? Remus is a sweetheart." A sweetheart Moony. You.

- S

I did no such thing. Also he deserved it. Not that that's relevant.

- M

Say what you will about our antics, Moony, but at least we take responsibility for our pranks. You just step back and use your "good reputation" to let us take the blame.

- J

I also step back when the Slytherins mysteriously and inexplicably all turn green for a week, or when the furniture in Filch's office just somehow happens to have become stuck upside down onto the ceiling of the staff room, or when all the pumpkin juice at Halloween tastes strangely similar to firewhiskey. And when asked, I ensure the teachers that I know nothing of such events, and as your close and personal friend have no knowledge whatsoever of you partaking in such activities.

- M

It would be nice if you could assure the teachers of our non-involvement the rest of the time too. Detention used to be tolerable, and sometimes even fun, but now it's just an inconvenience.

- J

Especially since Filch started searching me for flasks. Scrubbing the trophies in the trophy hall sober is unbearable.

- S

I can only assure them of your innocence so often before they'll start to think I'm lying or something ridiculous like that. You two also have a reputation you know. You might be surprised to hear this, but many of the staff here are slightly adverse to your, well, existence.

- M

What? Adverse to me? Charming and polite James Potter? Whose parents send them expensive bottles of port every Christmas? Whose academic record is as impeccable as his taste in liquor?

- J

What about me? I flirt with all the female teachers, even McGonogall! Especially McGonogall! Surely that gives me a few good points.

- S

Yes. That. I'm just going to be straight with you, that doesn't work. That was never going to work. I think McGonogall actually has your name on her hit-list (which I have personally never seen, but am sure exists).

- M

I have to agree with Moony there, although I loathe to do so. McGonogall does seem to have a special disapproving glare she saves just for you Sirius. And no, I don't think it's because she secretly wants you.

- J

What are you talking about? Of course she wants me. I can see it in the way she undresses me with her eyes, and the ways she moans "Detention, Mr Black" in that voluptuous husky voice of hers.

- S

...your mind is a strange and scary place, Sirius...

- J

I think I threw up a bit in my mouth.

- M

...I'm scared.

- P

We all are Pete, we all are.

- J

Ah, I wouldn't expect you children to understand our love.

- S

I can safely say, Sirius, that no one understands you. And if anyone does, then I fear for them. Truly.

- M

Yeah, I mean, McGonogall reminds me of my Grandma Patty. How can you honestly be attracted to that?

- J

Ah, age is simply a number. And the higher the number, the more experience she has in the bedroom. Sexy expierence.

- S

...James, is it possible to scourgify one's own brain?

- M

No, but I could do it for you if you want. As long as you promise to do me next.

- J

You people are overreacting. How can you not see the way she struts around the castle, like a sexy cougar. On heat.

- S

Souring may not be enough. I say this calls for a memory wipe.

- J

Obliviate me. Now.

- M

Will do. Obliviate.

- J

So, where were we? Have we answered the question?

- M

Hey Moony, read up a bit on the parchment.

- S

Why would I want to... I hate you Sirius Black.

- M

Maybe we could just burn the parchment. The world is safer without the knowledge of Sirius' sick fantasies.

- J

I second that motion.

- M

I thought you guys said it was indestructible. That's why you wouldn't destroy it when you talked about me and Mr Biggles.

- P

No, i believe Sirius' words were "No Pete, we can't destroy the Thingy, cos it's everyone's business what you do with that paedophile. For evidence in his court case, of course, obviously not to embarrass you in front of your peers". But he was lying. it was to embarrass you.

- J

I'm starting to really understand what the questioner was talking about. (See what I did there?)

- M

Same here. There are just some aspects of certain people's lives that just don't need to be immortalized on paper and spread throughout the school...where McGonogall will likely see it and give certain people detention for calling her a cougar.

- J

Ah, detention. Just another chance to work more intimately with my lady love...

- S

Sirius, stop before you actually make me throw up.

- M

Yes, please stop. Even my stomach is threatening to expel its contents if you keep this up.

- J

See, now you've told me that, I obviously have to continue.

- S

You really don't. You really really don't.

- M

Oh, but I do. McGonogall is more sensuous than –

- S

Silencio! ...I should've done that hours ago.

- J

Thank you for that James, you are now officially brilliant.

- M

Thank you for finally acknowledging it, Moony.

- J

... It's so quiet.

- P

I know. It's slightly unnerving...

- J

...Sirius, what are you doin- Oh, Merlin no. Please do not mime. Stop. You are going to make people sick.

- M

I should've known not being able to talk wouldn't stop him.

- J

I think this calls for fleas, he's destroying my brain.

- M

I agree. This level of torture cannot go unpunished. I'll go get the emergency jar.

- J

Wait, what's he doing now? What's that supposed to be? I don't get it...

- P

I'm sorry Pete, but I will not look. I refuse to look. I'm protecting my eyes. Actually that was a lie, I'm not sorry at all.

- M

Got it. It's surprising how quickly one can run up and to our dorm and back with the right motivation. And now to unleash sweet revenge...

- J

This is the quietest Sirius' has ever been when threatened with fleas. I love silencing charms.

- M

As do I. Without the noise, it's hard to tell if he's miming "No, don't you dare Potter or I'll set fire to your hair!" or "I feel like some pie". It's probably the pie thing.

- J

He's got that murderous glint in his eye again...maybe we shouldn't open the fleas.

- P

Nonsense, Pete. Justice needs to be served. No boy should have to hear about the fantasised sexual exploits of his House Head.

- J

Don't. Just, let us never speak of this again. That way I can at least pretend not to be permanently traumatised.

- M

Yes, thanks to him, I'll never be able to see her eat pudding again... die Sirius. *opens jar*

- J

...it's fun to watch him run...

-P

Oh, look at that. He just cleared the armchair with one leap. Watch out for the First Years- ...woops. I hope Pomfrey's got plenty of beds available.

- J

Oh dear...

- M

Ow, my legs!

- Unidentified First Year

...so, we agree the story is Sirius got drunk and went on a rampage while we were quietly studying?

- J

... I suppose so, since we are never ever ever to mention the actual story ever again. And if Sirius does, then he knows what awaits him.

– M

Yes, McGonogall's wrath. Which is the absolute furthest from being anything sexual even in Sirius' warped imagination. And probably involves suspension. For extreme vulgarity.

- J

He keeps tripping over First Years...why are they all scattered around here anyway?

- P

Ow, my spleen!

- Redheaded First Year

Oh, for Merlin's sake! Petrificus totalus!

- M

Ow, my back!

- Freckled First Year

...Nice work. Now he's like a sack of bricks. But at least the collateral damage is more contained.

- J

I think it's high time we ended this... And possibly left Sirius on the roof to think about his actions.

- M

Oh, shotgun tying him to the roof. I don't think there's supposed to be a thunder storm tonight...but I could be wrong...

- J

If there is we'll obviously take him down, I may be severely psychologically scarred, but that doesn't mean I want to electrocute the person responsible, no matter how much of an insufferable tosser he can be.

- M

...oh right...of course we don't want to electrocute him...that would be cruel...besides, i suppose being infested with fleas while in a body bind and unable to scratch must be punishment enough.

- J

Well, when you put it like that it sounds a bit harsh... I only put him in a body bind because he seemed hell bent on destroying the entire Gryffindor First Year population, one broken bone at a time.

- M

Good of the many outweighing the needs of the one, eh? Maybe we don't need to put him on the roof. If we do, he may seek to get us back even more. I think we could get away being even if we leave it at this.

- J

...should we move him off those First Years?

- P

No, they're fine. Anyway, I'll un-silence him. Unsilencio.

- J

YOU BASTARDS. YOU COMPLETE BASTARDS.

- S

Ah, silencing charm, I miss you so.

- M

YOU UTTER UTTER BASTARDS.

- S

Get over it. You deserve it for talking about McGonogall's breasts in that fashion. In fact, I think she'd do the same if she were here.

- J

James. Just... don't. Okay. Don't. We're not mentioning it. It never happened.

- M

YOU COMPLETE TOSSERS. UNBIND ME THIS INSTANT!

- S

As long as you promise not to go stampeding around the common room injuring the poor First Years.

- M

I'm a Second Year!

- Injured Second Year

And Second Years. Actually, all years.

- M

...we should probably unbind him. I think the kid he's lying on is turning blue.

- J

...I want my mummy!

- Suffocating First Year

Un-petrificus totallus!

- M

About time! Stupid fleas! Why is it we can turn expensive shoes into earmuffs but there's no spell to combat fleas?

- S

...most pet owners keep their dogs too clean to get fleas in the first place...

- J

Yes, well, I'm ready to eat inordinate amounts of chocolate to try and combat the trauma of this evening. So, in response to the original question (you all remember that right? You see, we do this thing, where we answer questions...) The truth is, that yes, this Thingy is a farce, but the questions all get answered eventually in some way shape or form. And yes, my sanity has been permanently damaged by my constant close proximity to crazy people.

- M

Don't try to act like you're above us, Mr Chocolate-Addiction. You contribute to the insanity of this Thingy just as much as the rest of us.

- J

I told you, it's because you've permanently damaged my sanity. I think around mid Second Year was the point of no return when I knew that my sanity would never be whole again. So, basically, I still stand by the fact that you lot were crazy first, and then infected me. Much like with the plague.

- M

...that's stupid. Everyone knows the quiet friendless types are the ones who snap and go on a killing spree. If anything, we saved for from going insane...by making you a different kind of insane.

- J

Wild speculation. Also, I'd like you to know, that every moment you continue talking to me, I have to wait just a little longer to immerse myself in sugary therapy, thus pushing me ever closer to the homicidal type of insanity, rather than towards the putting-up-with-crazy-people-despite-better-judgment type of crazy.

- M

You're inconsolable. I roll my eyes at you. Gratuitously.

- J

...so, should we get Madame Pomfrey?

- P

I need my chocolate to regain rationality.

- M

I'm dying...

- Dramatic First Year

...Nah, they'll be fine. Nothing a little firewhiskey and gillyweed won't fix. Right Sirius?

- J

I'm still mad at you!

- S

Right. I'm getting Madam Pomfrey, and then I'm getting chocolate.

– M

And I'm getting pie!

- P

Okay, so that took quite a while didn't it? This chapter was written over the course of... a LONG time. Seriously. There's even a Dragon Age: Origins reference in there. That's how long ago we worked on that question. We are sorry it took so long, but real life does on occasion obstruct fanfic production. Also I am lazy.

Thanks for all your kind reviews! We're super glad you all continue to be amused by this! Also, if any of you found any of this chapter offensive in any way, it was probably Tiger's fault. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

- discombobulated shoe

PS. Tiger says hi.