I decided to take another shot at this for I have had this idea for many many months—I probably shouldn't have though.
Disclaimer: Still don't own Harry Potter…or his father or his godfather or his ex-professor (a.k.a. his godfather's lover) or his best friend's ex-pet. I know…it came as a shock to me too. Oh and Whatever Gets You Through the Night is by John Lennon (R.I.P.). Blast that song for being oddly catchy.
Side Note: I have no idea when Filch began working at Hogwarts so for there sake of this fic, pretend that he just started. M'kay?
Oh, and if you are one of the reviewers from my first fic, I just wanted to thank you again for your uplifting comments. They were very much appreciated.
Late one night or early one morning—whichever you prefer—the Marauders were out and about, all dressed in black, doing what they do best.
"Okay…now cross the red wire with this here blue wire and—"
"No, Moony," hissed Peter. "That's not blue—that's green."
"What are you talking about?" Remus whispered back without looking up. "It's blue."
"Nuh-uhh," said Peter as he brought his lit wand closer to the wires. "That is definitely green."
Remus rolled his eyes. He didn't even want to be here. The full moon was just a few nights ago and it was his turn for midnight patrol duty tomorrow. All he wanted to do was go to bed, but no. He was, according to the other three, the only one who knew how to operate this stupid contraption. Now Peter was telling him what colour was what? Remus didn't think so.
"No offense, Wormtail, but you couldn't even tell me what colour an orange is."
"Hey," hissed Peter as he shoved the other boy. "I was just trying to help. No need for throwing insults."
"Hey, are you two done yet?" asked James just as Sirius asked, "Why you pushing Moony for?"
Peter looked over his shoulder at the two boys on the other side of the room. "No, because Lupin's being a berk."
"I highly doubt that," said James.
"His is so. I was just telling him that the wire was green and he snapped at me."
"That's because it's blue," murmured Remus.
Sirius and James looked at each other with quirked eyebrows. Sirius then gestured his head to where the others were, silently telling James to go check on them and that he would finish up what they were doing.
James crossed the room to the other side. "Alright, what seems to be the problem here?"
"Look at this wire," Peter said as he pointed at it with his lit wand. "It's green, right? If he crosses the wrong wires we'll like blow up or something. Make him stop."
"We're not going to explode because the wire is blue," muttered Remus in annoyance.
"Well if you ask me," said James as he adjusted his glasses, "you're both wrong."
Both Peter and Remus looked at James incredulously.
James looked over the wire one more time. "Yes, it's definitely a blue-green colour."
A loud groan came from across the room. "Oh will you all just shut it and cut the sodding wire already?"
"We're not supposed to cut the wire, Padfoot; just cross it with the red one," corrected Remus. As soon as the words left his lips the door creaked open revealing a cat with red eyes.
"Damn it, it's the Devil's spawn," hissed Black. This only meant one thing: the new caretaker, Argus Filch, was not too far behind. "Let's get out of here."
The boys quickly dropped everything they were doing and made a run for it; stopping only to pick up the map and cloak. As soon as they came to a crossroads, the boys spilt up. James and Sirius went left, taking the invisibility cloak with them while Remus and Peter went right with the map. After six and a half years of causing trouble, they all knew that they were unlikely to all get caught if they spilt up.
Up the stairs, down the corridors, through doors. When running in haste as James and Sirius were, it was only a matter of time before they became somewhat lost. In the dark, one hallway begins to look suspiciously similar to another. Plus it didn't help much that the staircases were changing their direction constantly. "Damn it," muttered Sirius, "next time we spilt up, I'm taking the map."
However, the other Marauders were doing just fine.
"I don't understand it," said Peter as he squinted at the map.
Or maybe not…
"The map said that the portrait hole was right here."
When Remus turned to look at the map, he sighed exasperatedly. "Peter, that's because that's not the portrait hole and you are looking at the map upside down," said Remus as he turned the map right-side up.
Peter turned a little pink at this. "Well," he sputtered, "that's the way you handed it to me."
"Fine, whatever, arguing about this isn't going to help the situation," said Remus as calmly as he could.
Peter looked at his surroundings in effort to find his bearings. "Does any of this look familiar to you?"
Remus gave him a look. "Why yes, Peter. I believe we've passed that same vase over there about three times in the last ten minutes."
"What is your prob—?" Peter never got to finish his question for Remus placed his hand over his mouth.
"Shh," Remus whispered. "I hear something."
The next thing they knew the side table that the vase was resting on toppled over. Remus made a dash for the vase and caught it right before it hit the stone floor.
"Nice catch, Moony."
Remus stuck his hand out into the air. "Sirius?"
"Yeah, 's me," said Sirius as he took off the cloak, revealing himself and James sprawled out on the floor. "If I'd known you were that good a catcher, I'd've made you tryout for Keeper."
Remus smirked. "That's precisely why I deliberately hid my talent from you," he said as he helped Black to his feet. "Why did you guys knock over the table? I thought you were Peeves trying to get us caught."
"Well," said Sirius as he scratched the back of his head, "I thought it would be fun to sneak up on you but then bespectacled boy over here tripped over his big fat feet and messed it up."
"It was a stupid idea anyway," said James as he stood up. "They could have easily spotted us on the map, idiot."
"Well they weren't looking at the map now were they?"
"Guys, shut up," squeaked Peter. "Filch is coming."
And they were off again. Remus, not taking a chance on Peter's sense of direction (or lack there of), swiped the map from the other's hands. Pettigrew then hissed something about getting a paper cut but Remus did not pay him any mind. All that mattered was getting back into his warm bed with, preferably, no detention.
Remus was just able to get a good look at how far behind Filch was when someone grab his wrist. The owner of the hand then muttered, "I get the map this time."
Black's statement did not make much sense to Lupin but he allowed himself to be pulled anyway. After two flights of stairs and four corridors later, all four boys found themselves at a dead end.
"Now what do we do?" asked James.
Sirius didn't answer him as he lifted up a tapestry, uncovering a door. "C'mon Moony," said Black as he opened the door with one hand; his other still wrapped around the boy's wrist. Stepping inside, Sirius pulled Remus with him.
"Make way," whispered James as he reached the doorway.
Black quickly turned around. "Wait! There's only enough room for two—"
However, Sirius' protests fell on deaf ears for the other two Marauders were already trying to push themselves in. As a result, Sirius was pushed flat on his back; followed by Remus, James, and Peter. In an effort to not be pressed up on Sirius, Remus braced his arms on the wall on both sides of Sirius' head.
Remus began to blush. "Sorry about this," he muttered as he tried to look anywhere but Sirius' face. Remus was a firm believer in personal space and this was making him feel a little unpleasant.
"Hey, move down back there," said Peter. "Give us some room."
Lupin was about to tell his friend that there was no more room when Potter elbowed him in the middle of his back, forcing Lupin to be pressed flushed up against Black. Oh God!
The room was about 4' x 4' in width and length but with boxes and other objects lined up against the side walls, it felt much narrower. Not to mention, it was pitch black in there.
"C'mon! A little further…just let me close…ah…there we go," said Peter as he finally got the door to close.
"Ah, mate…this is so uncomfortable," James said in a muffled voice. Apparently, his face was pressed into one of the boxes.
"You're uncomfortable—I have a door knob that's trying to get to third base," winced Peter. "Could you move down a bit more?"
With that said Lupin's eyes shot open. Move down more? There was nowhere he could possibly go. If he moved down any further, he would meld with Sirius and then they would be stuck like that forever and ever.
That's not such a bad idea.
Remus quickly pushed away that thought for he didn't like where it was headed. That wasn't what one ought to think about when alone in the dead of the night, much less when others where in the vicinity. Remus could not afford to be thinking such perverse thoughts. Especially since he had one thigh trapped between Sirius'. Was it too much to ask for this to end?
Apparently it was…for Sirius then began squirming. "Maybe…if I could just move my leg."
Oh please don't move your leg, Remus thought to himself as he stifled a moan. With all of Sirius' wriggling around it was causing quite a bit of friction in places that should be frictionless, if Remus didn't want to die of humiliation.
Sirius, on the other hand, seemed to be oblivious to what his actions were doing to his friend and continued to make himself more comfortable. When he finally settled down, his legs were spread apart just enough for Remus to fit snuggly in the middle.
Oh shit. And Remus thought things were bad before.
Sirius then moved his mouth closer to Remus' ear. "Alright there, Moony?" Sirius whispered so softly that Remus felt it more than heard it.
Remus quickly nodded his head in a "yes" fashion; too afraid to open his mouth.
"Comfy?" the voice asked, sounding a bit thicker and more seductive than before.
Remus made an unintelligent noise that sounded like a "guhh". He could not believe his own ears. No way had he heard correctly.
"I'll take that as a yes."
Though Remus could not see Sirius, he could feel the smile that was etched on the other's face. The knowledge of that smile made Remus tremble. The werewolf had no idea what Black's twisted game was about but he would be damned if he let himself fall victim to it. All he had to do was calm down, act indifferent towards his friend's actions, and Sirius would surely stop.
Silently patting himself on the back for coming up with a sure-fire solution to his problem, Remus began racking his brain to come up with something to help calm himself down. He didn't want to get caught.
Yeah, not get caught, Remus thought, but if only briefly. There were other things more imperative at the moment. Say, for instance, how he suddenly felt lightheaded as if someone sucked all the air out of the broom closet. Or how it became so hot—without warning or even a heat source. Things were just not making sense and that did not make sense. Remus was, if anything, a man of reason and logic. Ergo, there was an explanation to all of this. He just didn't get hot-flashes, he wasn't a woman.
With Sirius' face still near his ear, Remus could hear his deep, steady breaths. This did nothing to help the werewolf suppress the wicked thoughts that kept gnawing at his brain.
Remus then sucked in a laboured breath as Sirius ran his hands up and down his sides leisurely.
"Pipe down, Moony," whispered Potter. "Don't want us getting caught, do you? I know you're nervous but control yourself, man."
Control himself? That's really a lot easier said than done, wasn't it? What with Black playing his ribs like a xylophone and all.
As Lupin's sweaty palms stole the coolness from the stone wall, Sirius' hands diverted themselves from their repetitive path. They move down the other boy's lats¹ to his non-existent love handles and paused over the small of his back. Sirius then let his hands travel underneath the werewolf's t-shirt only to hook his fingers in the other's belt loops and pulled him closer, if that were even possible.
Heat source detected. Now there was no mistaking where the warmth was emanating from. Now…there were no mistaking Black's actions. This dance that they've been partaking in over the years could no longer be ignored. Whether this was a good thing or not, the jury was still out on that. Personally, Remus felt that he could have gone on with the rest of his natural born life without ever having to address the issue at hand. Restraint and control just came natural to him. He should have known better with Sirius "I do whatever I want" Black—always the monkey wrench in a perfectly laid out plan.
Someone ought to really give Black a talking to about that…not that he'd listen anyway.
As Remus pictured Sirius' confused face after being told to stop being a monkey wrench, Sirius' lips found their way to Remus' jaw. They weren't kisses, per say, but more of lips silently pressing onto the werewolf's strong jawbone. When Sirius felt no resistance from his friend he began to grow bolder in his actions. With his mouth still pressed onto skin, Sirius licked his lips and then began to drag them over a deliciously hot cheek.
Just as Remus' hands slithered down from the wall to grasp the Animagus' shoulders, a meow echoed through the closet. Soon after that, the boys heard footsteps and heavy panting.
"Yes. Go get them, Mr. Tibbs."
"Meow."
Oh great. We are done for. And me, with a bloody hard on that won't bloody well quit. Wonderful.
Drawing his head back slightly, Sirius rested his forehead on Lupin's and took a deep breath.
Maybe this won't be as bad as I thought.
However, all relief dissipated when Black brought their hips together in a slow grind. For some reason or another, Sirius felt that this was a good a time as any to get his rocks off. Apparently getting caught was about as important as finding out why fwoopers lay such beautifully patterned eggs. If anything, it just added to the excitement.
Holding the werewolf's hips stable, Sirius moved his pelvis in slow teasing thrusts. He knew that Prongs and Wormtail would not appreciate a show right now…or ever really. He just couldn't help himself. It was, in his deprived mind, the perfect opportunity. With Remus being stiff as a board (in more ways than one) and biting his lips to keep himself from moaning—how could Sirius possibly resist?
Remus knew he was not going to last. The combination of Sirius' long ago faded aftershave, the heat, and the high probability of getting caught was just too much.
He was going to have to put his foot down.
It was the only solution.
No questions about it.
But bloody hell, was Black hung like a horse or what?
Merlin, I'm in trouble.
xXx
Meanwhile, on the other side of the closed door…
Claw, claw, rip, rip.
…Filch was about to have a coronary. "Ahh! Stop! Get away from that tapestry! Dumbledore's mum made that!"
"Meow."
Scratch, scratch, RRRIIIPPP!
Apparently, English isn't Mr. Tibbs first language.
"AHH!" yelled Filch. "You…you good for nothing little fur ball!"
With a dash and swoop, Argus grabbed the cat by its scruff and tore it away from the ruined tapestry. He then brought the feline up to his eyelevel. His teeth clenched together, his eyes burning.
"What am I doing to do with you?" Spit flying out of his mouth as he spoke.
Filch then thrusted the cat in the direction of the tapestry. "Look at what you have done you stupid mangy cat."
Mr. Tibbs meowed somberly and then took another swing at the tapestry.
"BAHH!" Filch yelled and turned the feline towards himself once more. "Just one more mishap like this and…snip-snip," emphasizing the last words by scissoring two fingers with his free hand.
Mr. Tibbs, ever so subtlety, crossed his hind legs.
"I thought so," grumbled Filch. "Come on, those little monsters are long gone."
xXx
Back in the broom closet…
Oh…oh…OH!
…One could say that things were definitely looking…well…up.
Remus was desperately trying to hold onto the cry of frustration and pleasure that was, at any moment now, about to seep out from his trembling lips. Oh, was Black going to pay for this.
Oh, I'm going to give Black a licking of a lifetime. Oh, Yes! Wait! No! I meant a spanking. Uhh…right there. Mmmh. Don't stop. No! Not that either. Grr…Oh blast it all!
Fighting a loosing battle, he was.
Just a little more…almost…oh, please.
Well, at least Remus was enjoying himself.
"James, do you reckon it's safe?" Peter asked.
"Stone me if I know," hissed James. "Why don't you changed and take a look for yourself?"
"But what if that mangy animal is still out there? I don't want to become its midnight snack if you catch my drift."
"Well, think of it as taking one for the team, yeah?" The whispered voices pulled Remus out of his soon approaching euphoria, reminding him once again of how fucked he was.
"Why am I always the sacrificial lamb? Why don't you go?" Peter asked defiantly.
"Pete, are we really going to argue about this? Look at me! I'm practically making out with a cardboard box…and a filthy one at that. Yuck! Don't you think that if I could get past your fat arse I'd be the first one outta here?"
"Fat arse? Now isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. Ever since Evans dumped you, again might I add, you've been carrying a little extra junk in the trunk."
"What are you on about? She didn't dump me, I dumped her. Besides, everyone gains a bit o' weight in the winter."
"Yeah, okay," Peter snorted. "Bit o' weight he says. Two stone², a bit of—"
After interrupting Wormtail and telling him exactly where he can put two actual stones, Prongs shoved his friend towards the door. "Just do it."
"Just so you know I'm getting really sick of this hierarchy system and so is Remus. I have just enough—"
"Just go, Wormtail." It took a few seconds for Remus to realize that those words came out of his mouth.
In the dark, Sirius pulled away from Remus in shock; however, he quickly brought his mouth next to the werewolf's left ear. "You are so cute when you are frustrated," he murmured.
"Oh, really nice, Lupin. I stick up for you and you—"
"Just GO!" hissed all three boys.
"Alright, alright, I'm going, I'm going." With that said the door crept open just enough to let a small rodent scurry through and then Wormtail disappeared.
"Oh, yeah," said James as he moved to stretch. "That's loads better."
"Yeah, well speak for yourself," muttered Remus before he could stop himself.
James was just about to go off on about how he was basically frenching a dusty, moldy old box when Sirius jumped in.
"Don't pay him any mind, Prongs. You know how Moony gets when he's…on the edge."
Remus wasn't quite able to hold back a moan at Black's words.
Suddenly, the broom closet door opened completely, allowing some light to enter. "Alright gents, Filch is gone. You could stop molesting each other now. It's very unsightly."
Potter quickly exited the cramped closet and began walking down the corridor with Peter. "Aww…feeling left out again are we, Wormikins?"
"Oh, most indubitably, Mr. Prongs," bemoaned Peter as he mockingly hung his head in shame.
James laughed at that and slung an arm across his friend's shoulders. "Sorry about whole "fat arse" thing, mate."
Peter nodded his head. "Yeah, well, sorry about the whole "two stone" thing. It's only about one and a half really."
After hitting Peter on the back of the head, James continued on. "Yeah, I really got to get her back. I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll be a dead ringer for Slughorn before the year is through."
"You know word has it that Lily's been eyeing those new dress robes displayed in Gladrags' window…"
"Oh, 'Tail, you're the best. Now tell me which one?"
"Wait. What about Remus and Sirius?" Peter looked over his shoulder and saw nothing but the damaged tapestry.
"Ah, don't worry 'bout them," assured James. He was just so anxious about the thought of winning Lily back that he couldn't be arsed about the other two Marauders. "I'm sure they'll be able to find there way back. Got the map don't they? Anyway, as I was saying…"
xXx
"You know, we really should get going. Get a descent night of sleep and all." It wasn't that Remus really wanted to leave, it was just that he had a feeling the he would be able to start thinking clearly again if he got far as possible from this blooming broom closet.
"It's the third Sunday of the month and you know what that means: hot cakes, blood pudding, and fried eggs. Mmmh-mmh. Your favorite. Now if I could only—"
Remus' voice trailed off when he felt a hand on his shoulder and a warm body behind him.
"It's not like you to leave business…unfinished, Remus," uttered Sirius.
"Business? What are you—? Oh, right. The prank. Well, I'll go and clean up right before breakfast. No one will be—"
"That not what I'm talking about."
"Right…well…"
"Look at me, Moony." The request sounding more dismal than it ought to.
Oh, don't use the dejected voice. I HATE when you use that voice. Nevertheless, Remus turned to face the Animagus.
"If you want to walk out of here, I won't stop you."
Remus scoffed at this and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Hey, let me finish. I just want you to consider the possibilities first."
"Really, Padfoot, I don't know what you are playing at. Of all the times to spring this on a bloke you pick a moment where we could have been caught by an authority figure. You realize that we could have gotten suspended or even expelled. I'm almost sure that this…this incident would have been written down in our permanent record if we were caught."
Remus took a pause to allow what he had just said to sink in.
Sirius just looked as if he were being told to not do something for the billionth time. Lupin just sighed and continued on.
"At the very least, Padfoot, consider what would have happened if Prongs and Wormtail saw. We could have been ostracized by our best friends. It's one thing to sit them down and explain to them that we were thinking about having…er…relations with one another, but to have it off for the first time right under their noses is not on."
"Well, that's how we found out about James and Lily. He had his head right between her—"
"Enough, Sirius," cried Remus as he shuddered involuntarily. "I was just beginning to recover from what we saw that horrid day. My poor eyes."
Sirius just smirked.
"Wait, hold on. As I recall it, you didn't take it so well either. You kept staring daggers at her for an entire month because she nicked your best friend."
"Nuh-uhh. I was staring daggers at Snivellus. Evans just happened to be in my line of sight…from time to time."
"Right," said Remus, looking completely unconvinced.
"Whatever," groaned Sirius. "We got past it, didn't we?"
"Yes, but it is only natural for a boy and girl. You know: the birds and the bees, the flowers and the trees."
"This isn't the time for your fancy-shmancy metaphors. In English, man!"
"Boys and girls are supposed to go together." Remus was getting annoyed. "Didn't your mother ever tell you where babies come from? Where you came from?"
"I'm going to ignore the fact that to mentioned my mother in favor of telling you that you're so cute when you're frustrated," said Sirius as he looked at Remus endearingly. "Have I told you that before?"
The wrinkles in Lupin's forehead began to smooth out. "You may have…in passing."
"Yeah, well I hope you don't mind me saying it again," muttered Sirius as he put his hands on his friend's hips.
"No, I suppose not."
"Good. Now answer me this. With what happened tonight, are you really brassed off?"
"Yes," Remus responded with a smirk.
"I knew it," said Black as a smile crept up his face. "Now, give us a kiss."
Well, that's the end. I hoped you enjoyed it! If not…well…sorry about that.
FYI: This will not be the last you see of me. I still have two more unfinished R/S fics and I will try to get them done because, frankly, I'm sick of looking at them.
1. Lats is short for latissimus dorsi—one of the major human posterior muscles.
2. Two stone is equivalent to twenty-eight pounds. Aww…Prongs has a bit of pudge.