A/N:
Ok...this is my first twincest fic. Actually it is my first Ouran High School Host Club fic...it is very sad so if you can't take it don't read it. If you read it, please please review!I accept flames.
Confessions of a troubled mind.
You love her...and I tried my best not to loathe her.
It's not her fault, it's no one's fault. After all you are not like me, we are twins but we are not the same and we don't have to be the same. So you don't have to love me...you can choose. And you chose her. I am not going to say it is okay because it's not. But I can't ruin something that makes you smile like you did to her...
Tamaki - senpai is not very pleased. I don't know if he truly loves her like you do or if he is just playing...the irony...games that lead their way into reality.
Maybe he was playing, at the begining. Just like me. But maybe after playing to much, it became real and he truly fell for her. Like I fell for you.
I don't know when exactly i fell in love with you...I just know I did. And for some time I hoped that maybe you could, someday, love me back. Until that day...we dyed our hairs differently and she figured it out...again...I looked at you, but you didn't look at me. From that moment on I knew things were never going to be the same.
I can't blame you for finding someone instead of your sick perverted brother. I should not love anyway, it is against all that is good and pure in society. It is a sin. So you see , I actually did the right thing.
I thought about mom's proposal. About going to England for a year. But I realized something very important. You can live without me Hikaru. But I cannot in any circunstances survive without you. You were my way. You are my way...not that you are not mine anymore I have got nothing left.
Nothing Hikaru.
I am sure the club will find a way to keep you there, without me. Cause you are you, now you are one whole person, and I am just a shadow. Maybe I never was a person...always a shadow...of you. So I am sure they won't let you down. Maybe you will be with Haruhi, the one you truly love.
She found something in you I didn't know existed. There are smiles and laughs I had never seen n your face before she appeared in our lives. And now you are different...distant.
You don't let me sleep with you anymore...even if I don't cuddle. You say I am big enough to sleep on my own. And that nightmares should not bother me anymore.
But they do...because every single one of them is about you. Every night I see you fading into the light of her sparkling eyes and leaving me in the lonely darkness. Every night I scream for you and you don't rescue me...
And now I finally understood why, dear brother, you don't rescue me.
It's because I don't matter anymore. I am not the one for you anymore...so it doesn't matter anymore if I am dead or alive...are you understanding what is going through my troubled mind dear brother, or are we to far away from each other to understand each other's minds?
That thought being concluded on my mind, I realized there was no reason to continue to live. I cannot in any way live without you, and I cannot share you. But you can live without me and I don't want to stop you.
I am truly sorry for all the trouble I caused you, and will cause with funeral and stuff. Maybe people will be shocked. I have always beend such a cheerful and playfull person. But I am tired of playing, and I cannot smile anymore...i don't have the strengh to do so.
I hope someday you can forgive me...I wish I could stay longer, at least until you are married so I would know you are safe and in good hands. But I can't...I can't remain this empty walking shell. With no sign of true happiness, with a broken heart.
I will miss everyone, the Club was so good to me and I am turning out to be very ungrateful. I apologize for that.
I hope you are very happy with her. I hope you get married someday with her or not, and have the happy life you deserve.
I will always love you;
Goodbye.
Hikaru ran through the corridors, he entered every room in search of his brother. Where could he be? Everyone was helping him to look for Kaoru, but no one had one clue to where he was, and the school was too damn big!
He continued running , praying for the first time in his life. Praying for his brother's safety. Praying that he would regret doing what he intended too.
He heard rushed steps and people yelling his name. Haruhi and Tamaki were running towards him, he stopped dead on his tracks. Afraid of what was going to be said.
Kaoru looked like an angel...sleeping peacefully in between the flowers aunder the tree. His face was wet for the tears he probably cried until his eternal sleep took him. First Hikaru thought to be tears of sadness and sorrow. But Kaoru was smiling...a peaceful smile. His eyes were opened and showed no sorrow or regret, they showed...joy. And that made Hikaru realize, that he hadn't seen his brother smile like that in a long time.
He cried and hugged his brother limp body. The glass of wine was there, next to sleeping pills that he probably took to die. The sound of an ambulance aproached them, but it was too late...Hikaru knew it was too late.
The day was bright. Too sunny, too hot, too happy. It should be raining, snowing, there should be an earthquake or something really drastic. Something to take his mind elsewhere.
Everyone was crying. Almost the entire female population of the school was present. The entire club cried. Haruhi cried...but not in his arms...in Tamaki's. Oh what a mistake. A mistake that cost his brother's life.
He tried to keep it cool and cry alone at Kaoru's room holding his pillow. But he couldn't. Seeing Kaoru like that...lifeless, pale and yet, smiling. He fell to his knees as the tears streamed down his face.
He was gone...forever...the only that was always there, that he loved the most, that he now knew was the one he was meant to be for the rest of his life...was gone.
And it was all his fault! His fault, and his fault only! He should have never doubted his love for his brother...he should have known better. But now...now was too late.
He stood up and looked at his brother again. He bent down and kissed his forhead. His skin was cold, unlike the way it used to be when he held him.
"I love you too my brother...I love you too..." he said and sobbed hard" till we meet again."
The day was too sunny, it didn't match anyone's mood...only his. Only Kaoru's. It only matched his smile...and Hikaru wanted to smiled too...just to see if it would bring him back...to know if they still had the connection they shared before. But the tears didn't let him smile...he never felt so alone in all of his life...and he never undestood his brother better than in that very moment.