A rather humorous P/O slash piece. Could be a one shot or maybe a chapter by chapter thing like GOL and OWGSP that I have posted before. Just a heads up that it features a certain 'sealed' section in a magazine named Playwitch. Enjoy and as always, this is rated M and slash ( guy on guy ) and has the usual implications with said rating and content. You have been warned.

THE PLAYWITCH FIASCO

Percy Weasley was late. Not just a bit late. He was lucky-he-wouldn't-get-his-arsed-fired late and at the moment he did not need anyone giving him the evil eye as they ate their bowl of Cheerio cereal while still dressed in their bra and panties. And grinning like an evil demon bitch from the third level of hell.

Which of coarse was what Penelope Clearwater was doing right now.

" You better hurry up Percy, otherwise Fudge will find your replacement in t minus fifteen minutes. And counting."

Percy glared at her as he ran from one area of their flat to the next, grabbing his briefcase off the kitchen table while scooping up his travel cloak off a nearby lounge seat. " You could've woken me up you know ! It's your fault I'm running ruddy late this morning !"

" I'm not the one who decided to go on a massive bender on a work night did I sweet cheeks ?"

Percy glared at her. " Stop calling me that ! And you did have something to do with it as I recall you being the one to help pour all that Guinness down the funnel that was shoved down my throat."

Penelope help a hand in mock surrender. " Hey ! I was under a lot of peer pressure from the other girls and besides, we won that bet with that Quidditch team didn't we ?"

" How much was it ?"

" We got 100 Galleons and an unlimited drinking card for a whole month. Pretty good booty if I don't mind saying myself. And speaking of good booty, did you check out the..."

" No I didn't. Now listen, I have to go or I will be fired so lock up when you go and..."

" Make sure to pick up the mail on the way home from the post office."

Percy nodded as he reached for the door handle to exit the apartment and make his way down the hall to the elevator when...

" Could you pick up some things for me on the way home ?"

Percy sighed, hand itching on the doorknob. " What'll it be this time Penny ?"

" Just a packet of tampons and the latest issue of Playwitch."

" Tampons and chick mag. Got it. Now I really gotta go so remember to pick up the mail and..."

Penelope waved a hand at him and smiled.

" Just go before you do get your arsed fired. I'll be fine."

--------

Great. Just what I need on top of everything else.

Work that day had been a bitch to put it mildly. He had to deal with a rather livid boss who hated anyone, let alone his own personal assistant, be late and then proceeded to yell and abuse him in front of his entire floor. Then there was a backlog of paperwork that had to be processed from Norway in under four hours, but because he was late he had to work through his lunch break to get it done under time. And now, just when he was a block away from home and a nice hot shower he was stuck browsing the magazine isle in the local milk shop for this bloody magazine that his ex girlfriend wanted.

There's Cosmowitch, Witch Cleo, English Witch Day, Home Maker Witch. But no bloody Playwitch !

Percy cursed. It was useless. Penelope must be getting a good laugh at home at this very moment he'd wager. Sending him on an errand that lead nowhere on a night such as tonight. Of all the...

Percy stopped dead. He was just going out of the door when a title of a magazine caught his eyeline. Playwitch. Playwitch like Penelope said the title was, which was surprising enough that she was actually telling the truth for once, but more to the fact where the thing was situated.

At the far back. In a small alcove where no one could see unless they knew where to look.

With an ADULTS ONLY sign above it.

Shit.

Percy gritted his teeth and cursed. Of coarse Penelope would think of something like this to get her giggles, knowing full well from their past that he blushed at the mere mention of sex or anything sexual. Making him go to a public place and buy a porn magazine in front of everyone, let alone one that would most obviously contain pictures of nude males judging by the short cut brunette fringe of the bloke whose mug was on the cover.

Well if she wants to play, then I'll fuckin' show her !

Eyes straight ahead he moved in and swiped the nearest copy before he would be seen, not even bothering to look who was on the actual cover even before flying at high speed to the cashier's counter. He realised then how ridiculous it would have looked, this reedy man moving like the wind as if hell hounds were on his tail and judging by the few raised eyebrows he was getting from the few who were around it was that case already.

Or maybe it's because I'm purchasing a dick magazine with a full on face blush to boot. Damn Penelope ! She is gonna...

" Twelve sickles sir."

Percy's eyes snapped up from the counter. " Pardon ?"

The sales assistant, a young witch with spiked blonde hair and a rather large gold ring in the left side of her nostril, smiled.

" For the magazine and tampons sir. Twelve sickles."

" Of coarse. Sorry about that."

He quickly got out the change from his robe pocket and slammed it down on the counter. " Thanks."

" But sir, this is Twenty galleons. Don't you want your..."

Percy shook his head and grabbed the magazine and tampons and stowed them quickly into his satchel bag and like lightning bolted out there as fast as his legs would carry him. He could feel his face burning with embarrassment and his nostrils he swore were flaring with the indignation of it all. The redhead swore he could hear the cackling witches laughing at him when he exited the shop, not to mention that sales chick giggling when he presented the magazine and box of tampons for purchase.

Penelope is going to die a slow and very, very, very painful death. Life sentence in Azkaban be damned !

--------

Percy slammed the door shut behind him, relishing the loud boom that echoed through the apartment when he did so.

" CLEARWATER ! YOUR FAT ARSE IS MINE BITCH !"

Percy smirked. That fat comment should get her nice and riled for a good verbal slanging match which was just what he needed to let off this pent up steam. He waited a minute, then his smirk dropped when there was no blonde chick with a green pasted face and her hair wrapped in a towel running in full pelt and yelling abuse.

" Penelope ? You home ?"

Of coarse not you arse ! If she was she'd be here right in front of you and laughing her own arse off.

He waited a minute but again only silence greeted him. Sighing he undid his travel robe and hung it on the hook by the door, chucking the bag with the magazine and tampons onto the kitchen counter as he passed it on his way to the fridge, not caring that the contents spilled out onto the marble surface for all to see. All he wanted now was a cold beer followed by a hot shower with maybe The Killers playing softly in the background before hitting the hay for the night. It was while opening the door to retrieve the beer that he saw the note Penelope left for him, stuck to the surface with what appeared to be a magnet shaped like a snitch.

Percy,

Gone out with the girls for the night. Be back late so don' wait up for me

Penny

PS - Hope you enjoyed your little thrill on the shop detour !

Bitch.

Scrunching up the note and throwing it into the nearby waste paper basket he quickly retrieved his beer and made his way to the lounge area, grabbing the remote as he flung himself into the nearest seat and squirmed around to make himself at home. He was grateful for Penelope in badgering him for the muggle device before they moved in as it passed the time better than reading some dusty old novel he already devoured ten times over. Then he remembered why he was pissed off at her and why he needed the beer and suddenly seethed, gritting his teeth before taking another swig from the bottle.

I don't care if I have to wait up all night. As soon as she steps one toe into out flat she's been transformed into a freakin' toad !

--------

" Oh Percy baby ! Wakey Wakey !"

Percy groaned and opened one eye. Penelope was smiling, no beaming at him, and holding out what appeared to be a mug of coffee and a freshly buttered croissant with strawberry jam.

Shit. I slept all night and she got off being reprimanded. Lucky cow.

Percy grimaced, accepting the coffee while waving away the croissant before stretching himself and propping his body up a bit with a cushion behind his back. Penelope meanwhile was just smiling at him from the seat on the other side of their small wooden coffee table, sipping her own coffee while flicking through a magazine.

" I hate you."

Penelope smirked, still flipping through the book and sipping her coffee.

" I love you too Percy. And thanks for the magazine by the way."

Percy spat out his coffee. His eyes latched onto the magazine she was reading and gaped at the Playwitch title pointed right at him.

" Your reading that filth first thing in the morning ?"

" Why not ? It's not a crime for a woman to enjoy the nude male form you know Percy and besides, ever hear the phrase morning wood ? Think of it like that only in picture form."

Percy snorted. " Your perverted you know that ?"

" Which you would know from dating me for two years wouldn't you baby-cakes and..whoa ! Check out the cock on this slab of beefcake !"

Penelope turned the book to show him but Percy immediately bolted out of the chair with his coffee. " No thanks. I'm going to go grab a shower and head out to get a proper breakfast. You come with ?"

" No thanks. I actually woke you up to let you know I'll be going away tomorrow and won't be back for a week."

Percy paused halfway to the bathroom. " What was that now ?"

" Remember that job assessment I I had coming up for that Ministry job in Norway and that I had to leave for a week to go there and try out the office to get my feel for the layout ?"

" Yeah. So ?"

" So that time is now. I'll be leaving tomorrow morning around six."

" Which is why I suppose you decided to have a little fun at my offence with the whole porn mag thing. One last fling as it were."

" Among other things."

Percy raised an eyebrow at the innuendo laden line but shrugged it off as headed down the hallway towards the bathroom and a hot shower, his mood already lightened by the news of Penelope leaving and being gone for a whole week.

Place all to myself for once. No annoying ex to bug me or send me on bogus errands to buy porn. Nights of Chinese take out and Neon Genesis Evangelion here I come !

--------

" Percy ? It's me Penelope."

Percy looked up from over the edge of his fluffy duvet, eyes still out of focus and fuzzy with sleep. " What ?"

Penelope leaned against his doorway, resting her suitcase on wheels against the other side and smiling as she watched the redhead slowly untangle himself from his sheets. Bed hair sticking up all over the place and trying in vain to look pompous and prim at six in the morning.

Or shagging someone senseless at twelve o'clock on a school night. On top of Dumbledore's study desk while waiting to be reprimanded for shagging in the science lab room.

Finally Percy had located his horn rimmed glasses and was looking at her with a raised eyebrow. Would have looked cute if his eyes didn't convey he was actually pissed.

" What do you want at six in the bloody morning ?"

Penny rolled her eyes. " Hello ! See the packed suitcase and ex girlfriend dressed in her best muggle suit and tickets in hand ! It's the day I fly out remember ?"

" That's nice Penny," Percy muttered. " Just lock the door on your way out and go. Good flight and all that shit."

Penelope rolled her eyes as she watched Percy put his head back down on the pillow. Typical Percy at this time of the morning. She didn't expect to get a standing ovation or a kiss good-bye from the man but still, she supposed the thought counted.

" Well I'm off then. I'll owl you and let you know I arrived safely and floo you regular updates okay ?"

" Okay. Have fun."

" Oh, and I think you should have a look at this before you check your answering machine this morning."

Percy blinked. He heard Penelope chuckling as the sound of a magazine hit the bottom of his bed and his door closed behind her. A minute later the front door was heard opening and closing which was followed then by a minute or so of silence.

Answering machine ? Check the magazine before I check it ? The only magazine she's bought lately is...

Groping for his wand the redhead wizard flicked it at the curtains that were covering his bedroom window and they parted quickly to let the early morning sunlight flood the room. Squinting his eyes to the glare Percy downed his want and reached over the covers to grab the Playwitch magazine that Penelope had thrown down. It was upside down of coarse, but still Percy frowned at the guy on the cover. He looked so...familiar.

How can this possibly...But he couldn't...Wouldn't...But...

He flipped the magazine over quickly and gaped, open mouthed and shocked beyond all belief, at the grinning half naked god waving to him on the cover.

Oliver bloody Wood.

He was leaning up against a row of lockers, shirtless and wearing a pair of the tightest Quidditch breeches Percy had never thought were possible to purchase and, by his very close inspection, slowly groping his rather large bulge in the front pouch with his free hand. All the while grinning that blinding smile and sweat plastering his spiked chestnut hair to his smooth forehead.

Bloody hell Oliver ! What on earth possessed you to do this ?

And then another statement hit him. What Penelope had said earlier.

Check the magazine before you check your answering machine.

Percy bolted out of the bed, magazine forgotten, and raced like mad to the muggle phone and answering machine in the main hallway. There was a large blinking red 1 waiting for him. Steeling his nerve Percy pushed the playback button and waited.

BEEP

Hey Percy mate, It's Oliver Wood here ! How ya goin' in merry old England ? Listen, I've just come back after a hectic game in Germany and was wondering if you'd like to catch up on old times. I've actually been thinking about you a lot lately and that, well, it's about time we've talked about things left unsaid. I gotta go now but Floo me and let me know when we can catch up and don' worry about time because I'm on break for two weeks.

Catch ya and by the way, did Penny pick up that special, ah, magazine with me on the cover for you like I asked ? Think of it as a little preview if you will. Bye !

BEEP END OF FINAL MESSAGE. TO DELETE, PRESS...

TBC.

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