The Meaning of Death

R. Winters

6. My Life's End

Well, here's the LAST CHAPTER. Thanks for sticking with me and reviewing. This story was unusual for me in that I didn't have it all typed up before I posted it (heck, when I posted the first chapter, I thought it was a one-shot!).

A lot of you thought Rin was like Sakura... I was kind of surprised, because I don't see that much of a similarity... sure, a little, about as much as that Obito is similar to Naruto and Kakashi to Sasuke, I guess... But, sure, the fact that they're somewhat similar is good, I guess. After all, they're both competent kunoichi/medic-nin.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I did, I would make a whole side-show solely regarding the ANBU. Because black-ops are awesome.

This chapter, I think, is the perfect ending to this story. It's full of the angst we all know and love and it leaves me, at least, satisfied that Kakashi is well on the track to becoming the aloof Jounin-sensei in the series. It really leaves me with no question that this is the last chapter. I mean, I like the story and all and almost wish I could write more in this series... but it's just so... over. Anyway, let me know how you like it!


The day started out normally enough for the young ANBU Captain, WOLF.

At a quarter past nine he dragged himself out of bed, never mind that he hadn't gotten in until four in the morning. Still half-asleep, he absently scratched the head of Yonka—a sleek, brown haired bitch—when she shifted in her sleep on his bed. She cracked an eye halfway open and offered him a tired yawn before contentedly drifting off again.

WOLF stepped into the bathroom and turned on the shower, stripping off the filthy uniform he hadn't bothered to change out of the night—morning, really—before. More than once he ran into trouble as the caked mud and blood clung to his skin, but after a few minutes he managed to rid himself of the offensive clothes.

He turned to get into the shower and paused, reflection catching his eye in the mirror. Half-lidded, mismatched eyes slowly roamed over his face in the glass, carefully following every curve and feature, dancing across the short hairs that had cropped up on his chin, reminding the drowsy teenager he would need to shave again—and no wonder, it had been nearly a month.

Finally, he tore his eyes away and stepped into the steaming confines of his shower. He flinched slightly as scalding water struck his skin, but didn't bother to adjust it to a more reasonable temperature. Instead he just stood under the fall of water, basking in the mixture of pain and comfort the hot water brought to his tense muscles.

Eventually he lathered up with soap and washed the last tell-tale signs of his mission away; paying special care to a cut on his leg and a few bruises that darkened his skin. He heard the dogs beginning to move around in the other room and took that as his cue to get out; shutting off the water that still ran hot despite the large amount he had used.

He grabbed a clean towel from the rack and made short work of drying himself off before he wrapped the towel around his waste and made his way back into his apartment proper. He dressed quickly, stuffing his porcelain mask in one of his vest pockets and finishing his ensemble by pulling a clean mask up over his nose and tilting his hitai-ate over his left eye.

He set food out for the dogs and shut off the television, ignoring Pakkun's complaint at the latter action. Finally, he was ready to face the village.

The boy paused, eyes falling on the single, framed photograph beside his bed.

… Maybe not.

He reached out and tipped the photo down on its face, carefully so as not knick the frame, then left.

Konoha was already well into its morning business hours and the streets were crowded. The sun was bright and birds sang out cheerful songs from rooftops and tree branches.

Kakashi paid attention to none of this, as usual, as he sped his way out of town via the rooftops to the small hill where the formidable black stone stood in memory of those who had fallen in duty.

Painful reminders of how he'd failed so many times were followed by the renewal of vows he'd made to the dead.

I will make the Hatake name proud, father.

Never mind that the man's name wasn't on the stone.

I will protect this village, my friends and comrades with my life, sensei.

Just like he had.

I will take care of Rin… Obito…

Because it was his fault he couldn't.


By the time he left, easily an hour later, his stomach was churning fiercely and he headed back into town, stopping at the bakery to purchase a warm meat dumpling on the way to Ninja Administration.

He sat at one of the small tables to eat his meal and took out a pen and paper, quickly scribbling a concise, illegible report of his last mission—the illegibility helped to dissuade questions, he'd found. He finished both pastry and report simultaneously and headed again for his destination, stopping only to help an old lady pick up her morning's shopping, which had spilt all over the ground—he'd had to raise an eyebrow at the elderly woman when he caught the title on a vividly orange book she'd procured, and was a little disturbed when she'd winked at him as he handed it to her.

Ninja Administration was the same as always, experiencing its usual lunch time lull between eleven and one. Kakashi strode up to the missions table and handed over his report—after hastily stuffing it into the required envelope marked "Hokage's eyes only" and sheepishly telling the Chuunin on duty he'd forgotten to do so earlier. The Chuunin, used to Kakashi's 'forgetting', just rolled his eyes and accepted the meager report before digging out a sealed envelope with his name on it and an indicator that labeled it as a Secret A-Class mission.

Kakashi slid the envelope into an inner pocket on his vest for later perusal, when he was somewhere private. Then he gave the Chuunin a lazy salute—which was returned much more respectfully—and turned to leave. Only to find Gai standing right there.

Maito Gai, also known as Might Guy, was never a person Kakashi wanted to run into during the day, when he could see. It was one of the reasons he preferred to pick up his missions around noon; the ever-enthusiastic, and badly dressed, 'Green Beast' of Konoha always came in early and would be well underway on his own mission by then.

Kakashi's sudden distress was choked off abruptly as he realized that Konoha's ever-enthusiastic Green Beast wasn't acting, well, enthusiastic. The other boy, slightly taller than Kakashi, wore a serious frown and had a strange, intense gleam in his eyes, along with a few tears glistening in the corners of them, if Kakashi wasn't mistaken. (And he never was.)

There was no usual blinding grin, no thumbs up or 'casual' wave (Kakashi didn't believe Gai really understood the meaning of the word 'casual'). No forthcoming challenge or rowdy greeting to his self-proclaimed 'Eternal Rival'.

The young Hatake was becoming irrationally worried when Gai, in all his new-found sobriety, placed a hand on his shoulder. Kakashi's mind abruptly jumped to the worst possible conclusion. Was Gai dying?! Did his gigantic eyebrows give him some sort of terminal disease that would have him bed-ridden and weak before he finally succumbed to death?! Kakashi didn't shrug off the hand, the only outward sign of his growing alarm.

Gai just looked at him, dark eyes filled with somber, quiet pain. The boy in green gave Kakashi's shoulder a brief squeeze before turning and leaving the room. Kakashi stared after him for a moment before following.

Gai was waiting around the corner of the building, off of the main road in an ally that allotted them some semblance of privacy. Kakashi approached him reluctantly, an irrational trepidation settling into his gut.

He didn't even like Gai, what did he care if he died?! But, somehow, he did. Not that he'd let the other boy know that, dying or not.

"Kakashi… my rival…" Gai's voice held none of its usual bravado, "I had hoped you would come."

"Gai…" Kakashi started, not at all sure what he was planning to say.

Gai's somber frowned quirked a little, into a weak smirk, "I didn't want to appear presumptuous in there, but I am pleased that you sought me out, my rival… my friend…"

Kakashi uncomfortably shoved his hands in his pockets—if Gai was going to get all sappy on him, he'd kick his ass, terminal or not. He did not want to get emotional with a man in green spandex.

"You try being strong, in your Youthful Pride you hide your pain"—what was Gai talking about now?—"There is no reason to be ashamed of your feelings, Kakashi! No one will think less of you, here—feel free to release your Tremulous Emotions on me! We will weep like men together!"

Kakashi stared at the other shinobi in horror as Gai held his arms out as if to embrace him—there was no way in hell Kakashi was going to hug a man in green spandex! Apparently touched by his own speech, Gai had tears running down his cheeks already and Kakashi found he didn't care any more if he was terminal or not.

"I'm not going to hug you," Kakashi stated sharply, "Even if you are dying."

Gai blinked and his tears vanished abruptly. He stared at Kakashi. "Kakashi… Why would you say such a cold thing? To suggest that I would be dying…"

"Oh, you're not?" Kakashi asked, managing to make his surprise sound like dull disappointment. What was all this about, then?!

"So cruel!" Gai lamented, shaking his fist at an imaginary figure to his right, tears in his eyes again.

Kakashi sighed, "Gai… What is this about? You're acting weirder than usual."

The Green Beast's mood experienced an abrupt 180 and Gai turned on him, livid, "How do you justify acting so cool in light of what has happened?" He demanded, "Even you, cool though you are, should show something for your teammate's death!"

Kakashi felt as though he'd been punched in the stomach. Blood drained from his face and his eyes dilated in shock as the image of a bloody, broken girl danced in front of him. He couldn't hear Gai's continued ranting or how it changed abruptly to concern when the Green Beast noticed his rival's shocked state.

And then Kakashi was gone.


The young Jounin burst through the hospital's doors and was at the front desk by the time anyone managed to look for the disturbance. Tension was rolling off of him in fierce waves and even doctors and nurses gave him a wide berth, civilian patients standing back warily.

The woman behind the counter looked at him in surprise, "Ah… Hatake-san…" She started uncertainly.

"Where is she?" Kakashi demanded in a feral growl, knowing and not caring that he was focusing a killing intent on the poor woman now.

"I… uh…" She stammered falteringly.

"Saverin Rin!" Kakashi snapped, "Is she here?"

The nurse could only stammer further in reply.

"Excuse me," a cold voice behind Kakashi interceded, "What's going on here?"

Kakashi turned away from the useless nurse and toward the male medic-nin instead. "Rin!" He demanded again, "Where is she?!"

The man took a stumbling step backwards at the intensity of Kakashi's glare and stammered for a reply.

"R-room 138, sir!" The nurse yelped out, having located the patient in question while the Jounin's wrath was distracted, "But, Hatake-san…!"

Kakashi was already racing down the halls, not paying the traumatized medics any further attention.


Room 138 was dark. Cold, too, Kakashi thought as he entered the room. It reeked of too much sanitizer and was absolutely still but for the red light blinking on a machine on the wall.

His eyes landed on the only occupied table—there were no beds, only a series of cold, metal tables. He stared at human-shaped lump under the sheet, covered from head to toe. Kakashi didn't realize that his breathing had grown ragged, but he absently rubbed at his hitai-ate—underneath it the Sharingan was stinging.

He told himself to calm down and stepped fully into the room, sliding the door closed behind him. The sound of it connecting with its frame was near deafening in the otherwise suffocating silence.

Dim light filtered in through the white curtains, enough for the Jounin to see by. He stepped forward until he was beside the bed, each of his nearly silent footsteps echoing loudly in his ears.

He stared down at the still, covered form, barely able to breathe, and yanked down his stifling mask abruptly. It didn't help.

He reached for the sheets slowly, imagining that his hand wasn't shaking. Slowly, he drew it down.

Light brown hair, a bit dull, already losing its luster, but most assuredly the shade of Rin's hair. Disturbing pale, almost gray skin as a smooth forehead showed.

Kakashi couldn't take the suspense; he didn't think he'd be able to hold on long enough at this rate. He pulled the sheet back fully in one motion and stared in horror at the dead—definitely dead—body before him.

She looked content. Kakashi couldn't see any signs of how she died on her face or upper body. He might have convinced himself she was sleeping—had he been ten years younger.

But there it was. She was dead. Kakashi reached under his hitai-ate to wipe some tears away. He didn't remove the forehead protector. Obito didn't need to see this.

Kakashi forced himself to breathe and swallowed down the lump in his throat as every promise he'd made shattered around him.

He didn't move when the door opened again—in truth, he hardly noticed it.

Gai stepped into the room quietly, telling off the concerned medic-nin with a soft, "I'll handle this."

He had come as soon as he realized the probable reason for his rival's aloofness. He hadn't known—that had hit the young teen particularly hard. He hadn't exactly broken it gently. If he'd known… He looked across the room.

The white haired boy stood tense over the body of his teammate and Gai could almost feel the confused emotions rolling off of him. Such a stark difference to his normally collected, emotionless rival.

Carefully—for his rival was unpredictable at the best of times—Gai stepped silently towards him, extending a hand to rest on the other's shoulder in a display of manly comfort. "Kakashi…"

Almost before the hand had connected, Kakashi whirled, striking the green clad boy full on in the face with a punch that sent Gai sailing into the wall with a loud impact, cracking plaster and showering the victim with dust and debris. Immediately the door slammed open and three concerned medics stood uncertainly in the doorway, balking at the intense killing intent that was thick in the air and extremely glad it wasn't focused at them—Kakashi hadn't appeared to notice them.

Gai struggled up from where he'd fallen, rubbing his jaw—his rival was certainly working out. He watched the other boy warily but Kakashi didn't make any other move towards him, although his seething anger was palpable. Gai reluctantly admitted that he quite possibly deserved that punch for his insensitive words spoken in ignorance earlier.

Gai was one of the few people left in the village who could begin to understand Sharingan no Kakashi, but even he started in surprise when he realized the anger wasn't directed at him at all. He looked to the medics as Kakashi finally turned away again, the shorter boy shaking almost imperceptibly.

"Leave us," Gai growled towards the med-nin.

They hesitated, a brave young man speaking uncertainly, "But… Gai-san," he began only to be interrupted.

"I said I'll handle it!" Gai snapped in a low tone so as not to disturb his grieving friend.

The medics nodded reluctantly and left the two Jounin alone again.

Kakashi had moved and was now standing at the other side of the room, shaking as he stared down at the photograph held in his hand. His other hand was clenched into a fist at his side and everything about him screamed how tense he was. Still, Gai approached, willing to risk getting slugged again if he could offer any help.

"Kakashi…" This time he didn't try to touch him—as much as he wanted to comfort the other boy, he wasn't suicidal.

"Damn them," Kakashi's voice was harsh, feral in a way Gai had never heard before. It almost sounded like he'd been crying, but his cheeks were dry even if his eye wasn't completely. "Damn those bastards… I'll kill them."

It was all he could do, Kakashi thought. And Gai certainly understood the motive.

"You can't," the green clad Jounin stated reluctantly.

Kakashi didn't move, but his cold, black eye slid over to his companion with copious amounts of killing intent—enough to make the Green Beast fearful of his life.

"I'll kill them, Gai," Kakashi repeated firmly—Gai imagined he would kill them very painfully, too. Well, he would, if he could, that is.

Gai shook his head somberly, "I'm sorry Kakashi, but the retrieval team killed all aggressors."

And with that Kakashi's one last redemption was stolen away. He turned back to the photo, a grisly picture of how his teammate had looked before the healers had made her presentable. She hadn't just been killed—she'd been tortured. That much was obvious.

"Obito…" He whispered the name under his breath, uncomfortably aware of Gai's presence behind him, "I broke my promise…"

He took a shuddering breath, trying to get a hold on his frayed emotions. What ever happened to Shinobi rule 25?

His hands fisted around the photograph, crumpling the image. Out of all his team, Rin, ironically enough, had been the only one he hadn't been there for as she died, and the only one he'd promised to always be there for. All of his talk of protecting the Leaf—protecting Rin—was a farce. In the end, he wasn't even there to hear her last words.

Anger faded slowly to leave only depression in its wake.

"Gai…" He started, strained, pausing a moment to force his voice back to casual tones, "The retrieval team… who was on it." His tone was dead, even blanker than it usually was.

Gai hesitated, trying to measure the change in the other boy's attitude, and whether or not it would mean his death. "… I was on it, Kakashi," he stated—he wouldn't risk telling his rival who the others were. Not while he was still so obviously unstable.

A brief flash of surprise appeared in Kakashi's eye. Gai might have felt triumph at it if he weren't in such a dire position. Kakashi might do anything from weep out undying gratitude to try and murder him—Gai suspected something closer to the latter, himself.

Gai was a little surprised, therefore, when Kakashi simply nodded and turned away again. When he spoke his voice was calm, having regained reign on his emotions, or, at least, on all outward signs of his emotions. Even the shaking in his hands had stopped.

"Did she… say anything… before she died?" Kakashi asked quietly.

Gai shifted uncomfortably. He really didn't want to reveal her last words to his rival, even if it was his right as her teammate.

"Gai," Kakashi prompted firmly, glancing at the other teen.

Gai sighed and told himself he didn't really have a choice.

"She wasn't entirely with us," he said somberly, "Even when she was awake…" He hesitated again and Kakashi nodded for him to continue. "She… mostly she called for people… for… Obito… and her sensei… and for you, Kakashi."

Kakashi was absolutely still, betraying no outward hint of how he was taking this. Inside, the pit in his stomach grew larger, more painful. She had called for him and he hadn't come, hadn't even known.

Gai reluctantly continued, "In… in her more lucid moments, she recognized me… she asked me not to let you blame yourself… she said she wanted you to be happy… to live for her…" Even to Gai it seemed like an unreasonable request to place on a grieving man.

Kakashi's blood was cold. He heard the words as if they were coming from her… those bruised and bloody lips in the photograph. One eye swollen shut, the other filled with tearful pleading.

Damn it, Rin… Why don't you hate me? Why didn't you ever hate me? After I failed you so many times. First with Obito… Sensei… and now this…

But he had gotten what he wanted. One last request. One last promise to fight for.

Rin's wish—it would be far more difficult than any of the others. But he had to try because there was nothing else he could do. He couldn't turn back time and save her. He couldn't even avenge her, as it was his place to do. All he could do was try his best to fulfill his most challenging promise yet.

To make proud the name Hatake.

To protect his teammates.

To protect his village.

To live for the dead.

That was his Nindo. His way of the Ninja.

"Kakashi…?" Gai asked hesitantly. His rival hadn't spoken for several minutes and he was growing concerned.

"Gai…" Kakashi had forgotten the other boy was there.

No better time to start than now.

He slowly reached into the inner pocket of his vest and pulled out the as-of-yet unopened orders he'd received earlier, placing them in the bewildered Jounin's hand. Then he forced a smile—he couldn't remember the last time he smiled—his uncovered eye curved with the movement.

"Please let Hokage-sama know that I won't be available for any more of this type of mission," Kakashi said concisely.

Gai looked down at the envelope and then at his rival, possibly more concerned by this than any other reaction the teen could have had. "Kakashi, what…?" He trailed off, staring at the unnatural curve of the other's lips. Somehow, Kakashi's smile didn't seem comforting at all; it was fake, a disturbing mockery of the love and joy behind the sincere expression.

"Thanks, Gai," Kakashi said lightly, sliding his mask up in one quick motion and striding past his stunned rival and out the door.

Gai clenched his fist around the scroll. His rival… was so cool!


Rin paused before entering the clearing. She smiled slightly, a bitter-sweet smile. He was there, uniform still bloody after just returning from a mission.

She walked up behind him—he didn't turn. "Kakashi… your arm…" his ANBU mask must have been packed away in one of the pockets in his vest, as he was still in uniform.

"… It's nothing," Kakashi replied coolly, in the same manner he always did.

"Still…" Rin said, forming the seals of a healing Jutsu. She gently pushed the healing energy into the crudely bandaged flesh wound, "You need to take better care of yourself, Kakashi."

"I would have changed it when I got home," the boy replied coolly. Finally, he turned from the stone to look at her, "You're leaving?" She always came here before she left town.

Rin nodded, "I just came to tell Obito and sensei… I didn't know you were back already…"

Kakashi nodded and turned back to the stone, "I just arrived."

Rin smiled, "Well… now I can say goodbye to you, too."

"… Is it a very dangerous mission?" Kakashi asked after a thoughtful moment.

"Hmm… Not so dangerous," the girl replied, although, at twenty, she was really more of a woman, if still unmarried. "Not like your missions, Kakashi."

Kakashi nodded shortly, "Good luck. Come back safe."

"Don't I always?" Rin asked sweetly, pleased that he was showing some concern, "You always come back in a lot worse shape than me."

"Not always," Kakashi argued, smirking.

Rin squeezed his arm affectionately, "I'll be fine, kakashi. I'm a big kunoichi. You just worry about taking care of yourself."

Kakashi didn't suffer that with a reply, merely giving his teammate an idle hum. They stood together in silence for a few minutes longer, thinking on the days before their team had been broken. They had both changed a lot.

At last, Rin moved. "Well… I better go… Make sure you get home safely, Kakashi, and get cleaned up."

"Yes," Kakashi replied distractedly, hardly noticing as she left, lone eye on the names of the dead.

It was just a normal day for the young ANBU Captain, WOLF.