A/N: Reading MSND in L.A. So I wrote this. Ultra condensed Shakespeare!

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Act I, Scene 1

THESEUS: Baby, I love you. Kiss? Hug? Sex?

HIPPOLYTA: You can wait four days. Honey. (cough) Oh, look. Here's Egeus.

THESEUS: Damn it. What's up, buzzard face?

EGEUS: I'm P.O'd at my daughter, cause she won't marry this dude that I picked out for her. Instead, she wants to marry this other dude that I totally did not pick out for her!

THESEUS: ZOMGZ!

HIPPOLYTA: …

THESEUS: Sorry. Anyway. What say you, fair Hermia? (winks)

HERMIA: My father's a buzzard face who wouldn't know handsome from goat cheese if it walked up and smacked him in the nose.

EGEUS: How dare you!

THESEUS: Okay, Hermia. You have three choices. Marry Demetrius, become a nun, or die. Well?

HERMIA: No, thanks.

THESEUS: Okay, good. Everybody come with me, except Lysander and Hermia! Not that they'll do anything inappropriate or make plans to run away if they're alone together, or anything. Right? Right.

HERMIA: Oh, shit.

LYSANDER: Why so upset, darling?

HERMIA: Wow, you really are a dolt. Do you have any idea why I love you?

LYSANDER: No, not really.

HERMIA: Works for me.

LYSANDER: Anyway, let's run away to the woods and live with my aunt and get married. So you don't have to die, or anything.

HERMIA: Good idea. Oh, there's my jealous friend, Helena!

LYSANDER: Yeah, we might not want to tell anyone about our plans to elope –

HERMIA: HEY, HELENA! GUESS WHAT? WE'RE GONNA ELOPE!

HELENA: …

HERMIA: So, anyway, now that I'm gone, you can have Demetrius. He's ugly, anyway.

HELENA: Hey.

HERMIA: It's not like you'll get mad at me, or anything. Because the man you love loves me. Or something. Or like you'll tell him just so that maybe he'll like you? Right? Right. Because friends just don't do that.

HELENA: Yeah, about that…

Act I, Scene 2

RANDOM IGNORANT DUDES: We're the stupid, slapstick comic relief. Laugh at us.

QUINCE: Okay, who wants to be Pyramus?

BOTTOM: Me! Me!

QUINCE: …and who wants to be Thisbe?

BOTTOM: Me! Me!

QUINCE: …and Thisbe's mother?

BOTTOM: Me! Me!

QUINCE: …Thisbe's father? Pyramus' father?

BOTTOM: Me! Me! Me! Me!

QUINCE: The lion?

SNUG: Me?

BOTTOM: ME! ME!

QUINCE: Can somebody please shut him up?

Fin Act I.