Will the Real Beth Webfoot Please Stand Up?

Act IV

Beth sighed. "Ever since I met him, there's been something so familiar about him that I'm sure we've met before! But I keep messing things up, and I can tell he's not sure he wants to be around me anymore." She shook her head and looked at the girl in front of her, ignoring the fact that she still could barely see her even at this close range. She smiled a little apologetically. "I guess it's just a matter of wanting to get back into his good graces, really. If I can just do one thing right, he'll come to appreciate me again. Or is that wishful thinking?"

"I think it is," said the girl. "I think it would be better if you-"

Beth shushed her. "No, no, don't speak. I've gone over all those options in my mind a thousand times, and I think it's best this way." She stood up, stretching. That rest had been needed- the girl was much heavier than Beth had expected her to be. And she'd been kicking so violently! "I am sorry about this, you know. I realize it's really incredibly rash of me, but... Well, then again, I guess a villain isn't supposed to apologize for things like that, are they? Hmm... Oh well." She grinned cheerfully and cocked her head. "How are you, there? Hanging on?"

"Oh, very funny, Beth," said the girl. "The blood is rushing to my head! Let me go!"

"It's supposed to do that, I think. When you're hanging upside down it always rushes to your head. It won't be for too long, so don't worry! Is that rope sturdy enough? It would be awful if it broke before we were ready, and you fell into the pit or something."

The girl was quiet for a moment, and then said a tad nervously, "Sure would..." She regained her former confidence as she said, "Beth, this is stupid! You're not supposed to be like this, can't you tell?? You're supposed to be a good guy!"

Well, the idea did make sense. She seemed to have this very unvillainly habit of not wanting to make trouble. But if that was so, why had she held up banks before she lost her memory? Only a villain would do that. Beth waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, you'd say anything to save your skin." The girl sighed audibly.

"Beth-" she began.

"Boy," said Beth musingly, mostly to herself, "my secret identity must not have been very secret. Everyone knows my name. Oh well!" She reached out and gave a push to the hook that the girl was tied to which swung her out over the vat that Beth intended to drop her into eventually. "Have a nice wait until Negaduck gets back, okay?"

The girl muttered, "Yeah... right," as she swung away from Beth.

Darkwing's back and side ached fiercely when he woke up. "A horse is a horse, of course, of course..." he mumbled, and shook his head. He looked to his left and noticed his sidekick... who wasn't moving. "Launchpad? Launchpad?!" He braced himself under the horse. Using all of his strength, he stood up and heaved the horse off of his body. There was a crash behind him, which sounded like at least five different things breaking, but he didn't turn around to see. Instead, he knelt down next to Launchpad. "Launchpad! Launchpad, speak to me!" He started shaking him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencin' a little bit of turbulence... Just hang on and we'll be makin' an emergency landin' in a second," said Launchpad clearly, with his eyes still shut.

Darkwing sighed and stopped shaking him. "Launchpad," he said impatiently.

Launchpad opened his eyes and looked up at Darkwing. "Oh, hi, DW. Gee, I was havin' the nicest dream... And you were there, and so was Gos, and Beth, and even Mr. McDee..."

"You can go back to Oz later, LP," said Darkwing, getting slowly to his feet and fixing his back with a loud crack!. "Right now, we've got to find a way to get that money together for Negaduck."

"Oh, yeah." Launchpad looked sullen.

Darkwing resolved to cheer him up. "Hey, don't worry! Everything'll be fine! We'll get her back!"

"I know," said Launchpad quietly. "I'm sorry I didn't keep an eye on her, DW. If I had, none of this woulda happened and we wouldn't have to pay Negaduck all our money!"

Darkwing grit his teeth together. "Well... you're right... But, then again, I could have done my part too. Besides, just because we're paying Negaduck the money doesn't mean we're actually giving him the money!"

Launchpad blinked. "Uh... I don't follow ya, DW."

"We just need to make sure Beth is okay," said Darkwing with a grin. "We'll play along until then and pull out the aces when the time is right!" Launchpad cheered up, which made Darkwing feel better. He also felt a huge relief in knowing where Beth was, at last- even if she was in the clutches of a notorious supervillain.

When the chairs spun around back at home, Darkwing stood up instantly. "Gosalyn! I'm home!"

Launchpad stood up a moment later. "Maybe she's asleep."

"At this hour? Not likely." Drake called a little louder, "Gos! We're back! We haven't found Beth yet, but..." He grit his teeth. "I'm going to need your help!"

Silence.

Launchpad looked at Darkwing uneasily.

"That should have brought her running," said Darkwing. "No. Oh, no, not her too!"

Life was just not going well today.

Negaduck returned to find Beth gleefully waiting for him. "I thought I told you-" he began.

She waved her hands eagerly, interrupting him. "I know you told me to stay upstairs but I have something to show you! Guess what happened, guess what I did! Guess!!"

"You blew something up," he threw out at random.

With a giggle, she shook her head. "Oh, you're going to love it, it's such a villain thing!" She took him by his arm. He was disgusted, but allowed her to drag him unsteadily into the back part of the factory where all the equipment was. She flung her arms wide. "Voila!"

He stared for a moment, taking in the scene before him with growing contempt. "What... is this!?" he finally managed.

Beth cleared her throat. "Well... I captured a little girl, and I hung her upside down so that she couldn't escape, and... that's what we villains do, right? She's over a death trap! Isn't that right?" Her glee had dissolved into uncertainty, which was only intensified by the strange grinding noise that was coming from Negaduck. She had a strong suspicion that the noise was the sound of his teeth grinding together.

After a long moment, he turned to her and said quietly, "Several things to take into account."

She swallowed. "Um... yes?"

"First of all, what exactly is this going to benefit us!? You don't just capture some random girl and tie her up!! The only time you capture someone is to ransom them. Are you ransoming her? Do you even know who she is?"

She looked abashed. "Well... no.. Do you?"

"Yeah, but that's not the point. You can capture people at random but only if they've been snooping around and know your evil plans, got me? And even then, you don't put them in a death trap unless they're the heroes! What other kind of purpose would it serve!?"

"But... don't you sometimes just put people through horrible things for no real reason?"

Negaduck paused. "Well, yeah, but that's different with me. It relieves tension for me, and it's not like that for you." He gathered himself again, and took a breath. "Now for the more important part," he said, the anger in his voice clearly audible. "Why did you put her over a tank of Jello-O!?!"

Beth blinked. "Jell-O? I thought they made something dangerous here, like glue or scissors or something!!"

"You nob."

She felt herself blushing, and began to get defensive. "W-well, you're the one who ran off with my glasses! It's not my fault I couldn't see!"

With that, he exploded. "I TOLD YOU TO STAY UPSTAIRS!! YOU DIDN'T NEED TO SEE!!! YOU- YOU ARE THE MOST INFURIATING PERSON I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!!!!" He threw her glasses at her, as hard as he could. They hit her forehead and bounced off.

"Ow!" she said, startled, and rubbed her forehead. Obviously afraid of stepping on the glasses, she took a small step forward and stooped to fumble on the ground for them.

Grumbling, Negaduck was leaving the room to find a blunt object to hit her with as she recovered her artificial eyesight. "Here they are," he heard her say. Morbid curiousity caused him to turn around. She stood up, still holding them, and walked through a wall. Or at least she would have walked through the wall if it hadn't been solid; as it was, she hit her head rather hard and fell over.

Negaduck laughed. "Hey, this is almost worth having you around. Later, losers!" He waved and walked out of the room.

Moaning slightly, Beth stood up again and shook her head gently, then finally put her glasses back on and looked up at her deathtrap. "Hey, Gosalyn," Negaduck heard her say. "What are you doing here?" He froze.

"Beth?" called Gosalyn, from where she was hanging over the Jell-O.

"Yeah? Hey, do you know why I'm dressed like this?" Negaduck ran back up the stairs and burst into the room. Beth jumped and turned, startled. "Gos! Tell me that's not Negaduck!" Gosalyn groaned.

Negaduck realized he'd have to tie her up for certain now. Then he got an idea...

"Do you really think Gosalyn and Beth are together, DW?" asked Launchpad.

"I'm sure of it, LP. It's Negaduck's style to keep something up his sleeves, and he must have known it would be easy for us to stop him on just a ransom case." Darkwing adjusted his infrared goggles and focused on the ground in front of the Ratcatcher. "Besides, something obviously happened to her. She knows better than to stay out without calling when I'm this agitated."

"It's too bad Gosalyn's shoes don't leave infrared prints," Launchpad said.

Darkwing sighed and peeled the goggles off. "Tell me about it. I knew I should have taken Dr. Bellum up on that offer to implant her with a tracking device!" He checked his watch. "It's getting late, and we have to get the money together for Negaduck. Better head back, LP."

When they reached the house, they only had an hour until when Negaduck had instructed them to meet him. Darkwing headed straight for the phone. "We might as well get in touch with all the pawn shops," he said. "We're going to have to sell everything... Starting with this answering machine."

"That's funny," said Launchpad, peering at the blinking light. "We didn't have a message when we left!"

Darkwing slammed the phone receiver down and somehow managed to make pressing the play button on the answering machine look frantic. The tape hissed as it rewound, and then Gosalyn's voice began. "Hi, Dad. Before I go on, you have to promise that you're not going to ground me for going out against your will."

"Yeah, right," muttered Darkwing, rolling his eyes.

"I mean it, Dad," said the phone message. "I'm waiting!" This was followed by a five second pause, during which Darkwing crossed his arms and kept a stubborn expression on his face.

Finally he relented. "Oh, okay, fine! I promise, no grounding!"

"Okay, thanks." Darkwing shook his head. How did she do that? The message continued. "I think I found Beth. I followed Negaduck to the empty Jell-O factory downtown, so if I haven't come back by now, that's where I am. If I have come back, and I'm listening to this message, I just want to say hi, Gosalyn! I'm speaking to me from beyond time!!"

"Okay, Gos, that's enough," said Darkwing reflexively.

The voice on the message sighed. "Fine, Dad. Killjoy. Anyway, that's all! Bye!" The message ended with a beep and a click.

Launchpad was the first to speak. "Y'know, DW... that was pretty weird."

Darkwing shook his head. "She's got me pegged. How embarrassing."

"So what'll we do?"

"What we always do, LP. Turn a hopeless situation into a fighting chance! We've still got just under an hour until we're due to meet Negaduck. If we work fast, we can still get the drop on him at his hideout... where he's least suspecting it!"

"You'll never get away with this, Negaduck!"

Negaduck growled. "Y'know, the worst part about being a villain is having to listen to the same old cliches day in and day out." He finished tying Beth's feet to the hook Gosalyn was attached to, and stepped back to admire his handiwork. "Ahhh, I am so good."

Beth flushed, although it may have just been because she was hanging upside down. "This is so embarrassing..." she mumbled.

"I mean it, Negaduck!" Gosalyn somehow managed to maintain her spirit, even though she'd been hanging from a hook for a good half hour now. "Darkwing will be here to rescue me any minute now! At least, that's assuming he remembers to check the messages this time..." Beth moaned softly. "You okay, Beth?"

"I'm dizzy," the other answered. "All the blood is rushing to my head."

"Sheesh! How d'you think I feel??"

"Well, if Darkwimp Duck does show up, I'll just have to think up a good dessert trap for him, too!" said Negaduck almost eagerly. "In fact, there's always room for more in Jell-O..."

As if in response, a voice seemingly out of nowhere called out, "I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT! I AM THE WHIPPED CREAM AND CHERRY ON TOP OF THE JUSTICE SUNDAE!! I... AM DARKWIIIIIIIING DUCK!!!"

"Told you so," said Gosalyn, and stuck her tongue out at Negaduck.

Negaduck addressed the puff of smoke that was filling the room. "Hold it right there, loser! You come any closer, and your friends are gonna need Cool-Whip for accessories!"

Darkwing stepped out of the clearing purple smoke, his gas gun held at the ready. "What's that supposed to mean? And aren't you even impressed that I found your hideout??"

"Aw, the brat told me she left a message," said Negaduck with a shrug.

Darkwing grit his teeth. "Rats."

"Getting back to the subject at hand..." Negaduck took a step back, and gestured towards his death trap. "Want to hear how it works?"

Launchpad's eyes widened. "Beth!" he called. "Hey, why're you dressed like that?"

Beth flushed, and while this time it might have been because she'd been hanging upside down for about ten minutes, it was actually more likely because she was still wondering about the answer to that question, herself. "Does everyone have to see me like this?"

With a sneer, Negaduck said, "Allow me to answer that question. Your dear friend Beth just got through training as my accomplice." Darkwing and Launchpad gasped. Negaduck went on. "Yeah, I was pretty horrified, too. Well, despite her best efforts to do right by me, the little geek wasn't anything but a pain in the feathers. Until she gave me an idea."

"Beth! How could you?" Darkwing glared at her.

"But I- I didn't- I don't remember this! Honest!!" Beth wailed. "I just want to get down!!"

"Oh, quit whining," said Gosalyn irritably.

Negaduck ground his teeth. "Hey, care to pay some attention to me, here?! The guy with his finger on your fates??"

"Oh yeah."

"Sorry."

"You've got our full attention now."

He smirked. "That's better. Now, as I was saying, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes's idea was just plain dumb. Solid Jell-O isn't a threat, it's just a nuisance!"

Launchpad frowned. "I like Jell-O!" he said quietly.

"But here, we have a full vat of lukewarm Jell-O just waiting be solidified! The possibilities are endless! For instance, did you ever wonder how they get those stupid little grapes to stay in the middle of the Jello molds? Wanna find out?"

An expression of horror spread across Darkwing's face. "Let them go!" he cried. "Take me instead!!"

"Instead?" said Negaduck, amused. "Why should I take you instead, when I can get you all? There's a mousse machine right over there, and once you get to watch your friends go the way of all gelatin, it'll be your turn!" Negaduck laughed maniacally, and pressed a button on a control box. The crane that held the hook which Beth and Gosalyn were tied to sprang into life.

"Darkwing!!" shouted Gosalyn. "Help! I don't want to be encased in horse hooves!"

"Don't worry, Gos! It's just Jell-O!" Launchpad called back to her.

Negaduck looked at the moving crane with deep satisfaction. "It'll lower a few more feet, and then drop 'em on in! Then, that switch over there deep-refrigerates the mixture for a tasty treat!" Laughing, he turned just in time to see Darkwing grab something off of the ground. "You're too late!" he said. "You can't do anything to save them now!"

Darkwing desperately shoved the discarded wrench he'd picked up into his gas gun, then hastily aimed and fired at the switch. Negaduck laughed as the pellet bounced harmlessly off the top of the control box for the hook and crane mechanism. "Steeee-rike three!" he snickered.

"Not yet," said Darkwing. He watched as the wrench bounced off the top of the box at an angle, and flew across the room to ricochet again off of a pipe near the ceiling.

"This seems awfully familiar," muttered Beth as she followed the wrench's movements from her upside-down position. She squeezed her eyes shut as it became clear that the wrench was, yes, it was definitely heading in her and Gosalyn's direction. "Oh, not again! What, is my head magnetic or something!?" she cried, and winced in anticipation of the impact.

Fortunately, it turned out she really wasn't magnetic for anything except an enormous propensity for putting her foot in her mouth, as the wrench ended up going over her head and banking off of the hook she and Gosalyn were tied to. The impact caused the hook to swing to the side, and in a manner that couldn't have worked out better if Darkwing had planned it (and he would later claim that he had), the crane dropped its prisoners at the exact moment they were succesfully over solid ground.

Negaduck snarled. "No! No!! You can't have done that, you can't!!!" He started towards Darkwing, and was stopped when the wrench finally came to rest on his foot. With a scream, he hopped around the room as Launchpad ran to untie Beth and Gosalyn.

Darkwing shook his head. "And to think... I was just trying to shut off the controls," he mused to himself. To Negaduck, he proudly said, "Expect the unexpected from Darkwing Duck, Negs! Otherwise you'll just end up... heh heh... hopping mad."

Recovering from his injury, Negaduck pulled a gun out. "I should have figured that you had a deathwish," he said furiously. "Making puns like that one, you deserve this."

"Maybe I do," said Darkwing, "but so far, no one's gotten lucky enough to kill me! And I've learned to love this line of work!" He kicked Negaduck's legs out from under him, ruining Negaduck's aim again just before he fired. The gun fell out of his hands, and landed a few feet away from his outstretched arm. Darkwing stepped on Negaduck's arm and said, "I brought a friend."

He stuck his fingers in his mouth and whistled, and a live horse came trotting into the room. It spotted Negaduck and whinnied happily, then launched itself into the air. Darkwing quickly stepped away, and Negaduck had time to mutter, "Oh, bugger," before the horse gracefully landed on the him. All that could be seen of him from under the horse was his arm, which had now stopped reaching for the gun.

"'Atta boy, Barney," said Darkwing. He patted the horse on the head and fed it a sugar cube.

"Are you sure you're okay, Beth?" asked Launchpad. It had been a few days since the whole Negaduck debacle, and the doctor had given Beth a clean bill of health. She certainly had a bruise on her head, but no sign of concussion, and her amnesia was apparently entirely gone. Despite that, Launchpad had barely left her side the past few days. He walked with her on all her errands, and she had the strangest suspicion that he would carry her around if given the chance.

She smiled. "I'm fine. You don't need to dote on me this way, Launchpad. I'm sure you have better things to think about than me."

"Nah, not really," he answered. She smiled quietly, and blushed, but said nothing. He probably hadn't realized how sweet that sounded. "So, ya need me to go grocery shopping or anything for ya?"

"No, thanks. I've got enough food from my mother's care packages to last for a while." She rolled her eyes. "I should never have even told her about my head injury. Anyway, I just need to take out some money from the bank."

"Oh." Launchpad nodded. "Hey, ya know, the day you were missing they say someone came in and stole a bunch of money, and then just walked out, and they never found 'em!"

"Really?" Beth said, intrigued, as they came nearer her bank. "Wow. I can't believe someone would get away with something like that! They'd have to be a criminal mastermind! I mean, even Negaduck gets himself caught. And in broad daylight? Amazing!" She stopped outside the automatic teller. "I've had it up to here with going inside the banks to make withdrawals," she explained as she inserted the ATM card. Launchpad patiently waited, and they left a few moments later.

"Well, that's odd," she said as she examined her receipt while they walked home.

"Huh? What?"

She shrugged. "I just took out fifty dollars, and according to this my remaining balance is ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred fifty!" She laughed. "How weird! It must be a computer glitch or something!" Launchpad laughed as well. Then she crumpled the receipt up and tossed it into a trash can as they walked, not bothering to pause along the way.

© 1995, 1998 by R. L. Kelly. All characters © the Walt Disney Co. except Beth Webfoot, who is copyright the author. You may not distribute this story without author's permission. You may not copy, change or sell this story under any cirumstances. To obtain a free brochure on how to prevent amnesia-induced super villainy in your town, please contact the author.