Hey everybody! This fic is going to be a collection of short stories and funny tales. It will be set in the manga-version of Hellsing. Also, thee may be the occassional appearance of my OC, but I'll keep that to a minimum unless asked otherwise. Some chapters will have 1 story, some will have 2, some might even have 3 depending on the length of the story. Lets get things started, shall we?
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French: The Language of Love
Seras shielder her eyes as she walked in the sunlight on her way to the shooting range. She was hoping to get in some practise before her next mission. She would have to be sharing the range with some of the Wild Geese, but she enjoyed showing off to them. And it was fun to see them freak out about her strength, since no human could carry a rifle the size of a car on their shoulder like she was doing at this very moment. As she walked towards the shooting range, she heard the all-too-familiar voice of Captain Pip Bernadette.
"And that, boys, is how you shoot a rifle!" he triumphantly stated to the soldiers gathered around him. Seras walked into the range and saw him holding a bolt-action sniper rifle. "Eh?" he turned around and smiled at Seras. "Bonjour, mon ami!" he greeted her. Seras didn't know French. She knew he said hello, but other than that, she didn't know anything. Although, there was one phrase she knew. She didn't know what it meant, but she heard it often and figured it was a way to say hello.
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" Seras replied with an enthusiastic smile. Dead silence followed. All of the soldiers stared at her, and Pip had a blank look on his face, his mouth hung open in a state of shock
"Oi oi, mon cheri!" he suddenly replied with a devilish grin. Instantly, the mercenaries broke into hysterical laughter. Seras blinked a few times, trying to figure out what he was saying "yes" to. Judging by the smile on his face, and the way he kept raising his eyebrows, it must have been something bad. Seras frowned.
"What does that mean?" she asked politely. Pip smirked and walked over to her. He whispered something in her ear, and was rewarded with a punch in the face.
"OW!" he yelled as he flew backwards and hit the ground hard, his nose bleeding profusely.
"PERVERT!" she barked. Without another word, she spun around and walked away, leaving the perverted French man bleeding in the dirt.
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Moral of the story: Don't say things if you don't know what they mean.
(No, I do not speak French. But the conversation went as follows: "Hello, my friend." "Will you please go to bed with me tonight?" "Yes, yes, my dear!" That much of French I can speak. Not much else... but I plan to learn French. Eventually.
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Needs-A-Life King
"Drink you're blood," her Master's voice whispered inside her head. Seras stared at the packet of medicinal blood set on her table, her stomach growling. "Drink it."
"I... I don't want to..." she replied meekly. Even though she was a vampire, she always resisted the urge to drink blood. No amount of force could make her willingly do it. It just seemed as though drinking blood would destroy all that remained of her humanity.
"Lies. You know you want to. You know you need it," Alucard taunted her. "You crave it day and night. You-"
"Don't you have anything better to do?" Seras interupted him.
"Other than making sure my fledgling doesn't starve to death? No, not really," he chuckled.
"Thanks for your concern," she laid her head down on the table.
"You're welcome," he answered back.
"I was being sarcastic. Seriously, you can't find anything better to do?" she really wanted some peace and quiet.
"Nothing comes to mind," Alucard mused.
"Go bother Walter," Seras suggested.
"He and my Master are away on a business meeting. I wasn't invited," Alucard stated sadly.
"What a shame. Go scare some soldiers," she really wanted to get rid of him.
"I don't feel like it," he replied.
"Okay. Do you have a hobby? Like painting? Or making models?" she was actually curious about that.
"Are you joking? Could you imagine me making a model?" Alucard scoffed.
"Then I guess that the No Life King really needs to get a life..." Seras smirked. Several seconds of awkward silence followed.
"Police Girl... how can I 'get a life' when I'm already dead?" Alucard started to laugh. Seras sighed in defeat.
"I hate you so much..." Seras groaned.
"I know," was his reply, followed by, "Now drink your blood!"
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Moral of the story: Drink your blood, or else you'll be tortured by a bored vampire.
That's all for now! Until next time, good bye!
PS: Got a suggestion? Let me hear it! That's what reviews are for!