Despite it being the reason the world was beginning to fall apart on him, the moon still looked beautiful.
The statement didn't jar him particularly, at least he didn't let it seem like it did. Xemnas turned away from the illustrious Kingdom Hearts situated above and before him to acknowledge Saïx, sparing him a glance before returning his vision to the great oblivion, littered with uncountable imitation-stars to make it seem almost like a real sky.
"...I see," was The Superior's response, which seemed to be spoken more to himself rather than the solitary Nobody only yards away from him before turning back to cast his gaze from the dark oblivion before him and back up into the illusory light that was Kingdom Hearts.
Saïx didn't move from his spot, only settled to watch the other man, who seemed to be deep in thought, awaiting orders, words, anything at all. Deep down, something inside of him began to acknowledge that his minutes were numbered, but he suppressed the voice though didn't deny its cruel statements.
"Seven...," face adorning an expression caricaturing a deep, almost melancholy thoughtfulness, Xemnas didn't spare Saïx even a glance as he spoke, keeping his eyes held fast onto their ultimate goal, voice never wavering as he continued, "You are the Organization's pillar of support now," his words were slow, deliberate, as if he had preordained the very moment years and years ahead of time and had spent the aeons picking out the absolute perfect words to use until that point.
There was a moment of thin, seemingly fragile silence. Neither Nobody spoke a word as The Superior's half-finshed statement reeled in their minds and they did their best to grasp what he was saying.
"Do not let me down," and with those fated words, something heavy within Saïx dropped to his stomach. A leaden, almost painful sensation settled within the pit of his chest and no matter what comforting thoughts he often used to provide solace (or perhaps delusion?) to himself, he couldn't trash away the leaden feeling this time. No matter what he said to himself, about himself, about the man he admired so much who seemed so indifferent, casual about his fate, he knew this was it.
Saïx knew he wasn't going to come back.
White walls, decorated with an alice-blue floral print to interrupt the pleasant monotony, accompanied by a pure, stark, bleach-white floor and an equally blank ceiling. In the middle of the room sat a plain, white chair, which wasn't particularly comfortable or uncomfortable, its occupant, sitting at ease, obviously weary. There was very little he could recall. He had been in a state of perpetual fury, induced by fear, anger, despair, and another hollow feeling he couldn't shake away. His formerly underlying viciousness became all he knew for that brief time, that is, until whoever that dark figure was had utilized poetic words in order to calm him down just briefly. Time seemed to melt together after that, and here he found himself, wearing a coat akin to the robed stranger's, sitting in the abominable white room with no one but said mystery-man for company. "Your name." It wasn't a question or a suggestion; it was a command, strong and dignified despite its soft, somber tone. The speaker was a robed figure; he paid very little attention to the little details of the man's frame or shape, simply kept his flaxen eyes locked onto his hands, which were folded neatly in his lap, expressionless and silent. "I..." his words seemed to get caught in his throat as he mulled over them for a brief moment in time. "I don't have one." There was silence within the white room as the black-clad man continued to pace at a slow rate around the white chair he was sitting so quietly in. "Isa?" Golden eyes widened in slight surprise, nostalgia, and various other feelings as his head perked up slightly, eyeing the person who had arrived at his side rather cynically. "That's my--" "Yes," his deep voice had a tone of certainty, as if he knew everything about him. There was some slight agitation, as well as dejection among other things in his voice as he cast his flaxen gaze downward, "...That isn't my name. That isn't me," he looked up, staring at the pristine white wall before him, "Not anymore. I'm nothing now." There seemed to be a sudden shift in the atmosphere; what was formerly tense, so thick and heavy one could have choked on it if they didn't watch what they said, now had a lighter, more lax feel, an almost hopeful one. The robed man stopped his pacing, standing before the blue-haired Nobody before speaking in that reassured, quiet but confident tone. "You are correct. The life you knew is no more; torn asunder and stolen by those without hearts; our bretheren in a twisted way. They have left you with nothing," despite the harsh tone, the blue-haired man seemed indifferent; just what he was looking for. Seeing that he was still composed, the dark figure continued. "There is nothing for you to return to. Devote yourself to me, however, and I will help you forge a new life for you to call your own. Perhaps even restore fragments of the life you left behind to you." He had very little to think about. Here he was, nameless and alone, travel weary, mentally tired. And not only that, but if what the man said was true then there was no hope for him to look to or strive for. All he could recall was a name that he knew didn't belong to him anymore and a numbing emptiness in the hollows of his chest that would never relent. All he had was the solace the enigmatic man was offering; all he had were unspoken promises of something he could call his own now that all he knew was gone. "I know nothing of you or the measures you will be taking to return this "life" to me, however..." cold, golden eyes blinked before looking up at the man, suddenly realizing how much the two of them stood out, their black coats contrasting greatly with the white room, "I have very little choice, now do I? Fine. I...shall side with you." The dark figure emitted a noise of satisfaction before, much to the other Nobody's relief, lifting his hands to push the acursed hood enshrouding his face back, revealing a tanned, equally blank expression with a mass of stylishly unruly silver hair. "Welcome to The Organization, Saïx," he extended a gloved hand, offering it to the stoic figure sitting before him. He didn't protest at what he assumed was his new name (he automatically knew the meaning behind it and found it bitterly fitting) and instead extended his own gloved extremity and accepted the hand the man offered him, standing straight perhaps in an attempt to feel taller than he truly was to null the sudden wave of inferiority and lostness that crashed upon him. What was he getting himself into? "You... What am I to address you as?" Saïx asked his question quickly, fixing his eyes on a particular pattern on the wall rather than the man he was speaking to. With a blank expression, moreso than Saïx's even, he spoke, voice firm and even and lacking in any particular tone, "I am The Superior. However, during private conferences such as this, you are free to address me as Xemnas." Saïx nodded, not truly understanding the formalities and technicalities surrounding The Superior but keeping the information, the start of many new memories he would forge, and committing it to memory. "I understand... Xemnas."
"Do not let me down."
There was a bittersweet chime of laughter -- his own or someone elses? He was unsure -- ringing in Xemnas's head at the statement. In all his exisistance, short as it was, Saïx had done nothing but excel in everything he did; Xemnas himself knew that, in any other circumstance, he should have been able to expect nothing less than grand success from Saïx.
However, this was not any other circumstance, and Xemnas knew very well that Saïx was not going to come back.
He didn't bother looking back at the Luna Diviner; simply assumed the more than competent Nobody would nod in full understanding of his goal and go about attempting to achieve it, quickly and effortlessly. And Xemnas was right; had he spared Saïx even the faintest glance he would have been able to see the powder-blue haired man nodding slowly, somberly, contemplatively.
Despite it being the reason his life was comming to an end, Saïx didn't curse Kingdom Hearts. As he glanced up at the uniquely shaped moon, a familiar feeling of days he couldn't remember but knew transpired filled him for a brief moment in time. In the back of his mind, the Nobody wondered briefly if that was what Xemnas was seeking; that fleeting, comforting wholeness only the moon could provide? He quickly trashed the thought away, something inside him compelling him to selfishly focus on his unfortunate fate (though, strangely enough, Saïx couldn't bring himself to feel too despairingly about it) that would befall him at a moment's time.
"I won't, Sir. Rest assured."
He didn't mind the closeness of their positions; there was nothing particularly noteworthy about it or the "feelings" that arose when Xemnas was kind enough to share a moment like this with him. The fragment of time the two were currently engrossed in held equal meaning to Saïx; it was just as precious or unprecious, whatever it was Nobodies were forced to use, as any other day he spent with The Superior. It was going to rain. "Are you sure? I never thought it was possible...," Xemnas said slowly and quietly, eyes staring transfixedly at the of dark grey matter forming in tufts and masses above him and his companion who also watched the dark sky with fascinaton. Saïx nodded, "It's rather easy to tell if you know what to look for. It often rained in Mahoraba--" "Your...?" The Nobody didn't mind the interruption, fully understanding the half-asked question, "Yes." After a quiet "I see" on Xemnas's part, the two stood in gorgeous silence once more, shoulder-to-shoulder, admiring the sky, the clouds, Kingdom Hearts' light filtering through the puffs, and all their presences had to offer. With a fluid, calm motion, like water slipping just perfectly into glass, Saïx raised his own hand slightly and removed the black glove covering the extremity, opening his bare palm wide. Xemnas said nothing, merely watched in mild fascination. When Saïx glanced up at him, catching the man staring at his hand, he spoke, offering a bit of clarification for the seemingly random act. "The clouds seem dense and it's beginning to sprinkle somewhat," as if to convince his Superior that his words were true, Saïx slowly, as if waiting for him to refuse the action, took Xemnas's hand in his, removing the leathery article from his hand before smoothing his bare hand over the extremity to coax the man into opening his hand a bit more. The two Nobodies stood, watching the center of Xemnas's hand in slight anticipation, as if waiting for something whimsical like a fairy or a star to fall into it and suddenly rid them of all problems plaguing their half-lives. "...I felt--" "A raindrop?" Saïx interrupted, glancing back up at Xemnas who still seemed fascinated by the dot of water situated in the appendage held by the Luna Diviner. "Yes... It truly is an anomalie; rain in such a place..." the scientist in him couldn't be supressed, which became more than appartent to Saïx at the beginnings of the man's quiet rattlings about the rain cycle and how the World That Never Was lacked the one thing essential for the condensation process to occur or something along those lines. Saïx didn't lend his complete attention to the man's words. "Stranger things have happened here, but I do agree with you, Xemnas," the shorter Nobody returned his gaze to The Superior, who was now back to looking at the darkened sky once more, "It is amazing." "And I doubt such a thing will ever happen again, Seven," Xemnas suddenly adopted an overly distant, deep expression that shook something inside of Saïx for a brief moment, "We are very blessed to have witnessed it." With no physical hesitation, Saïx let go of Xemnas's hand, averting his gaze from the man's face to the sky, which was beginning to hail larger drops at a faster rate now. A warm sensation settled in the pit of his stomach and spread over his chest as he wondered if they, with nothing but their familiar little balcony and the light of Kingdom Hearts permeating through the obtrusive clouds, were the only ones who were laying witness to the anomalie of rain at that very moment; if anyone else in the entirety of this realm was being assaulted by the subtle warmth only simple, everyday-moments such as the one unfolding before him now. He decided that that wasn't the case; this moment could not be imitated. "...Yes. Yes we are."
"Rest assured."
Saïx turned on his heel with that statement and headed for the steps leading out of the Alter of Naught. His mind was ablaze with countless thoughts, one idea struggling for dominance to be entertained and spoken over another. However, the ideas, accusations, suspicions, and other various negativities concerning his fate and the man dealing it to him were extinguished quickly.
Though, as much as he wished to throw it away, the idea that stuck out most wouldn't leave him be. While it could have been, was probably, his only and final chance to profess everything burdening his misplaced heart from the very beginning, he couldn't find himself to do so; to complain about or critisize Xemnas on a personal level just seemed like something so radical. He couldn't do it; he couldn't give into his primal urge to scream at the man for sending him to his death, for ignoring him, for not even looking at him throughout what would be their final few moments together. While Saïx never for a moment expected romantics from Xemnas, the very least he could do was acknowledge what was going to happen next; to ignore every bit of secret propaganda they were both told and express their true and honest feelings, faux or not.
He didn't feel heartbreak or betrayal or anything of the girlish or weak sort; but deep down, in the hollow depths of his being, he wanted reassurance. Human nature was the most undeniable thing he had ever felt, the only thing tying him to his humanity or lackof, the only reason he and the rest of his fallen comrades had fought so very hard for completion. If this was his chance for that one final, fleeting imitation of completion, the only chance he would have to find his own reason for being rather than living off of a projection of someone else's desire then dignity be damned, he would take it. The final shred of humanity within him longed only for solace all people sought, to at least be fooled into thinking that after this moment, everything was going to be okay. He felt the beginnings of frustration rising within him; why wouldn't Xemnas allow him only that? Why wasn't Xemnas being enough of a man to admit that his plans were wrong, everything was going to fall apart, that they were both most likely going to die? Anger-based curiosity overtook him and he stopped, resolving to beseech his Superior for at least one final answer.
"...Sir."
He was unused to the sensation but it wasn't entirely unpleasant. Truth be told, Saïx didn't mind physical closeness despite being so unfamiliar with it it, however, this time he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the proximity of his superior; something heavy coiled and nestled in his stomach, and that, coupled with the sudden surge of consciousness and uncertainty made him feel almost awkward. He had expected lips to be wet, though he never truly did dwell on what his first kiss would be like. Xemnas's lips were dry and that fact surprised him, though not as much as the gentleness The Superior displayed. Saïx wondered if perhaps he was uncertain too. After several long moments they broke apart, the need for oxygen becomming undeniable. There was no awkward or unusual silence between the two as they took in the minimal amount of air necessary to breathe, only anticipation, thick and heavy in the air before they reunited their lips slowly, the contact becomming much more intimate than its predecessor. Saïx decided to himself he preferred this form of unison; the mesh of teeth and lips and tongue awakened a deep, irrepressable longing within him, a carnal desire to take it all just one step further, a need to try everything Xemnas had to offer and give him whatever he wanted in exchange, a silenced wish to seek a new form of completion from the other Nobody. The Luna Diviner's hands moved from the plain, white sheets beneath him to Xemnas's shoulder for stability as he leaned in just a bit closer, his tongue sliding further into the depths of the other man's mouth. Xemnas's hold on the back of his neck shifted to the collar of his trademark black coat, using that new foundation to pull the Berserker even closer to him, their chests touching, lips massaging, tongues sliding against one-another. The nuissance of needing to breathe once again interfered and they pulled apart once more, a thin trail of saliva conecting them still before breaking as well. Rather than initiate another intense kiss, Xemnas took this time to press the palm of his hand against Saïx's black-clad chest to silenty command him to lay down. Saïx complied, naturally, gracefully leaning back into the soft bed, which expelled a soft squeak of protest through its springs. He blinked, the sudden realization of what had just transpired and what was most likely going to happen dawning on him. He showed no fear or dislike; simply batted his flaxen-hued eyes glazed with need, taking in a few deep breaths. "Why...?" the Luna Diviner uttered as the silver-haired Nobody shifted above him, leaned down to press a series of feather-light kisses to his jawline, before simply making a sound of acknowledgement towards the question. In a tone that was flat and even, mechanical almost, Xemnas simply replied with "Perhaps it is a matter of the flesh?". Mechanical. Saïx turned his face away from the man atop him, his long sidelocks brushing against his cheek as he allowed Xemnas more access to the flesh along his neck and face. This moment, the capriciousness of his "emotions", the girlish delight in partaking in his first and more likely than not last kiss, the very warm but nevertheless apathetic lips brushing experimentally down his neck, the elegant hand pulling the zipper of his coat down slowly, methodically, the fleeting kisses on his collar bone... All of it was mechanical, artificial. There were no feelings of love to draw instinct from, nothing they could use as reference but memories that no longer belonged to them and emotions that never were. Xemnas was merely following logic; what should be done to where to draw out the most pleasurable effect, when it would be opportune to kiss what area, what sort of touch felt best where. That was the man's way of life, the Luna Diviner knew, and it was all he could do. And yet, it left a horrid weight in his being, a feeling of being crushed as opposed to the pleasant compression he oftentimes felt. He didn't want it to be that way. "Or perhaps..." Saïx inhaled sharply, eyes sliding shut briefly in surrender from the warm tongue lapping at his chest before fixing his his gaze on a particular spot on the wall, "Perhaps it is more a matter of--" Saïx didn't bother to finish his sentence.
Xemnas was not particularly jarred when Saïx asked for him, simply responded with the man's name, his gaze locked on Kingdom Hearts. Agitation was beginning to rear its head upon The Superior as well; why wouldn't Saïx just leave, resign to his fate, forget everything prior to that moment, and just go? Xemnas was in no mood for it, had too much on his mind about the prologue of his own failures as well as the failures of his suboordinates. The last thing he needed was Saïx falling out of line.
"Sir," the powder-blue haired Nobody's voice was more forceful now, leaden with a tone almost beseeching Xemnas to look at him and know, wanting Xemnas to acknowledge that everything that everything in between them was not a transient fabrication; that the memories they forged, dying as they were, slowly but surely, were like the darkness and light itself: eternal, everlasting, immortal in its own way.
Saïx turned around briskly, dark yellow eyes staring hard at the Nobody seemingly entranced by Kingdom Hearts. Thoughts, garnet with rage and despair, all seemed to flicker in his mind as clenched his fist. He suppressed the urge to call his Superior's name out once more, simply drew from the idea that Xemnas knew very well he was staring at him, would not leave until his presence was acknowledged. He wanted Xemnas to look at him, notice him, appreciate him, love him, all in that moment, just one final time.
He felt it was silly, girlish, stupid of him, but he wanted Xemnas to look at just him.
Overcome by annoyance, eyes narrowed in an overdramatic expression of anger, Xemnas turned around, tangerine gaze locked on the Nobody standing tall, face visibly transitioning into a softer, more apathetic look.
"Yes, Seven?"
"Seven..." that flat, mechanical tone was there again and Saïx rolled over slowly, facing Xemnas who was now sitting up, and blinking in response to the call. Dull, orange eyes remained fixed on the white bedsheets covering him, a deep, genuinely thoughtful expression decorating his face. Finally, he looked to Saïx, who he was not surprised to find still paying attention to him. "It was not -- cannot be -- a matter of the heart." The paler Nobody didn't move at all, was in no way surprised by the statement. Of coarse, he was well aware of Xemnas's stance on emotions or lackof, and Saïx always prided himself on being in the same boat as The Superior. And besides, in order for the birth of something, people or emotions, something must be broken, and for the two Nobodies, there was nothing which they could offer up as a sacrifice in exchange for the ambuguity a single feeling would provide. "...Yes, Sir," was all he dared utter in response, making the sudden decision to fix his eyes on Xemnas's bare hip. There was nothing he could come up with to disprove the notion without contradicting all he stood for and all he ever believed in. Nobodies had no hearts. Nobodies couldn't feel. Nobodies didn't have love, hate, despair, elation or dejection. "After all, we are nothing; we can be given nothing," if only to solidify his own false belief, Saïx added the statement onto his half-finished sentence. The brutal truth didn't phase him; the hollow in his chest, fluctuate as it may, was never completely gone, a constant reminder of what that one thing he lacked meant for him and the one next to him. Seemingly unconvinced, Xemnas gave Saïx a look of slight disdain, as if the man had insulted him somehow. Slowly, Saïx sat up as wel, relinquishing the protective solace the bedsheets over him provided. "One's heart cannot be found in the arms of another, Seven," the taller Nobody spoke slowly, staring Saïx in the face and taking in the perpetually stern look the Nobody adorned, courtesy of that intimidating scar on his forehead. Saïx leaned in, holding Xemnas's cheek to prevent him from turning away or refusing the kiss he laid on his lips once more. He wasn't looking for his heart, looking for completion. Xemnas would give him that soon enough, he thought. The Superior didn't respond to the gesture, simply let the Luna Diviner have his way with him until breathing became a necessity and Saïx pulled away. Xemnas was always right.
He lay on his stomach, breathing shuddery, cheek pressed into the cool pillow, eyes shut in order to help him regain his wits. The bed shifted -- Saïx assumed Xemnas was turning away from him -- but he didn't pay any mind to it. The task of mentally trying to piece together everything that had happened was his priority at the moment.
Saïx simply stood where he was, just inches away from the miniature set of stairs, mind frozen and trying to decide upon what exactly to say. He had Xemnas's attention now and that was all he truly wanted, all he ever had to live for at this point. He knew he couldn't possibly die happy now, but he could try. He would try.
"I will be returning shortly," he said calmly, his expression betraying the utter tempest of his mind and soul. He shut his eyes for a moment, collecting his wits and letting his thoughts settle, before adding quietly, "...Wait for me, Sir. I won't be gone for too long."
Xemnas stared, an incredulous expression on his face before taking on a mask of thoughtfulness. He nodded slowly to Saïx, a sudden heavy feeling hammering at the hollows of his chest.
"...Yes," the only word he could think of at the time, the last thing Saïx ever heard from him. And even as Saïx nodded back and left the massive altar, leaving Xemnas to himself, the single word echoed in his mind.
Saïx was not going to come back, but regardless, the least he could do to return the devotion; to commemorate the sorrow that wasn't for his inadvertently forcing the man to live by what he believed rather than what Seven wanted, to hesitantly apologize for failing to see himself as the narrow-minded man he was. The least he could do was wait somehow, somewhere, if not in this world, the next.
Xemnas wanted to reject the idea. He was a man of science and figures and progress and logic. There was no such thing as a blessed afterlife.
Minutes, long and empty, seemed to slowly trail by, and after some careful thought, Xemnas lifted a gloved hand, fingertips grasping the leathery exterior before slowly slipping the glove off. His eyes widened in mild surprise when a raindrop fell into the center of his palm, Kingdom Hearts' light reflecting off of the crystalline droplet almost beautifully.
Xemnas slipped his glove back on, lowering his hand and looking up into the cloudless sky above him.