Shattered

Disclaimer: I still don't own them, but if I did, they'd hug once in a while.

A/N: I'm not quite sure how I got the idea for this, but it had something to do with a conversation about the season two premier on the Yahoo group, Supernatural on the WB. At least I think that's what the discussion was about… anyway, I hope you enjoy this. Reviews are welcome. Don't make me beg.

oooOOOooo

To himself everyone is immortal; he may know that he is going to die, but he can never know that he is dead - Samuel Butler

ooOOOooo

He didn't even realize he'd fallen asleep, but when the nightmare ended and Sam Winchester's eyes flew open, he was relieved. He glanced over at the other bed and saw his brother was still asleep. He tried to calm his breathing and with a shaky hand, he wiped his sweat-covered face. It was nearly four thirty in the morning and he knew he'd gotten all the sleep he was going to, so he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.

Dean heard the water running in the shower and looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. He groaned seeing it wasn't even five o'clock yet. Back when Sam was plagued by nightmares, Dean had gotten used to waking up at odd times to find his brother in the shower or on the computer, but he couldn't remember the last time that happened. Dean got out of bed and put on a pot of coffee. He tried to act nonchalant when Sam came out of the bathroom wearing jeans and a t-shirt; Sam poured himself a cup of coffee without a word.

Sam sat down on the edge of his bed only glancing at Dean, who was searching the Internet for their next job.

"Good morning, Sunshine." Dean said.

Sam muttered something before taking a sip of coffee.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Nope." Sam took another sip of coffee.

Dean looked at him with a raised eyebrow. The only dreams Sam kept to himself were those about Jessica, and Dean hoped those dreams were gone for good.

"What?" Sam demanded, noticing that Dean hadn't gone back to the computer.

"Nothin'." Dean shrugged. "It's just you haven't had a nightmare in a while."

"What makes you think it was a nightmare?" Sam challenged angrily. "Maybe I just couldn't sleep!"

"Fine." Dean held up his hands. "Whatever, Dude."

Sam watched as his brother stood up. "I'm gonna take a shower."

"Any idea where we're headed next?"

"No." Dean nodded toward the laptop. "Knock yourself out."

oooOOOooo

They still didn't have a definite destination, but were headed south on I-29 later that morning. Sam hadn't been any more successful than Dean in finding something that needed their attention and they chose a direction at random. Dean figured they would make Omaha by late afternoon, where they would need to make a decision. If they stayed on the current highway, they'd end up in Lawrence and Dean had no interest in visiting their hometown.

Sam was quiet and sullen; Dean couldn't entice him to talk so they rode quietly with classic rock music playing in the background. Most of the time Dean enjoyed driving and being left to his thoughts, but these days his head was a scary place. No matter how hard he tried, his thoughts went back to his father and the sacrifice he'd made to save Dean's life.

Dean had never wanted to live at the expense of someone else; especially at the expense of his father. There was still no real proof that John made a deal with the demon that took Mary from her family, but there was no reason not to believe that's exactly what happened. Dean hated it. He hated that instead of destroying the demon that killed Mary, John made a deal with it. He hated thinking about whatever torture he might be going through. Most of all, Dean hated the thought of going on without him.

John Winchester knew about all sorts of supernatural entities. He could spot patterns that no one else could. He'd saved countless people over the years. He was smarter than anyone Dean knew and never seemed to be scared of anything. What about Dean could possibly compare to all of that?

Sam looked over at his brother when he saw Dean visibly shudder and nearly swerved off the road.

"You okay?" he asked, the first time he's spoken since they left the motel.

Dean silently cursed himself. He didn't have the luxury of giving into his feelings this way. He had to be strong for Sam; especially if the nightmares were going to start again.

"Yeah." Dean said, his voice rough. "I guess my mind wandered."

"There's a town up ahead. Maybe we should get out of the car for a while."

"Sure." Dean agreed, more shaken up than he was letting on.

Sam glanced at his brother again. Normally Dean could drive for hours without a break, but something was definitely weighing on him. He regretted not taking Dean up on his offer to talk earlier; not for himself, but for his brother. Lately he seemed to blame himself for everything that was wrong in their lives and Sam was afraid that by not talking to him earlier, Dean had loaded up on some more guilt.

But it was too hard to talk about the dream. He'd been doing well to hide it for three or four days and this morning was just a mistake. How was he supposed to tell Dean, who already blamed himself for their father's death, that he had started dreaming about where John might be? Sam's dreams had the tendency to predict events and the last thing Dean needed was what he would take for confirmation that John was indeed somewhere bad.

They sat in a booth at a fast food restaurant; neither one was hungry but they both needed to be out of the car. Sam took a long drink of the soda and dunked a fry into the puddle of ketchup on the burger wrapper between them. Dean looked at him, desperately wanting to know what was going on in his head. They'd talked about the deal they suspected their father made and Sam never once made any indication that he blamed Dean for anything. But how could he not? It was Dean's fault that Sam would never be able to make peace with John.

oooOOOooo

Sam hated when there was silence between them. Dean already kept so much inside, but since John died…Sam looked at his brother. Dean was staring at his burger between each forced bite. Sam leaned forward, his hands flat on the table.

"Dean."

And that was all it took. Dean struggled to remain in control, but his lips quivered and his eyes filled with tears. He wanted to be anywhere but here right now, but at the same time, he needed to be near his brother. He rarely let anyone, even Sam, completely inside the fortress he'd built for himself, but sometimes his brother found a secret entrance. All it took was a look or a word said in a certain tone and all of Dean's defenses were gone.

Dean set his jaw and looked anywhere but at Sam.

"Come on, man, talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about. You're the one who's been in a pissy mood."

Sam nodded. "You're right. But I'm not the one who almost drove us into a tree."

Dean looked at him sharply. "I did no such – that's not fair."

"Hey, at least you're looking at me now. Why don't you try talking to me?"

"What is there to say, Sam? We've been over it and over it. Why don't you tell me about your dream?"

Sam knew all of Dean's tricks to avoid talking about his feelings. Sometimes he went the stoic approach and other times he tried to direct things back to Sam. He could sometimes work around the first to get Dean to talk, but never the second. He sighed and picked up another fry.

"We're a couple hours out of Omaha." Dean said a moment later. "We should figure out where we're going."

"How about we just stay in Omaha for the night? We could go out, grab some beers –"

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Are you serious? You never want to go out and grab beer."

"That's not true." Sam shrugged. "I do sometimes."

Dean smiled at him. He knew Sam's suggestion was purely for his benefit, but the truth was, he could use a night off. He enjoyed having a case to work on, but lately it was so hard to concentrate and he was sometimes afraid that his screw up would get Sam hurt. Every day he woke up wondering how he was going to get through the next twenty-four hours, yet somehow he would; only to have another twenty-four to face.

oooOOOooo

They checked into a motel outside the city limits, but near a bar that looked promising.

"Neither one of us slept all that great last night." Dean said as he tossed his duffle bag onto the floor. "How about we try to get a couple hours and then head out?"

Sam nodded. "Sure."

Dean sat down on the bed closest to the door and reached for the alarm clock. "I don't want to end up sleeping all night."

"If you need the alarm to wake up, maybe we should just take it easy tonight. If you sleep, must mean you needed it."

"I don't want to be up at four again and have nothing to do but get on the road."

Sam sat on the other bed and kicked off his shoes. Dean enjoyed driving. He especially enjoyed driving his Impala and Sam couldn't help but wonder what the real meaning of Dean's words was. He watched as his brother set the alarm, then settled back on the bed.

"Get some shut-eye, Sammy. You're buying the first round tonight and I'm going to beat your ass at darts."

"Says you." Sam muttered as he slipped out of his jacket and climbed under the covers.

oooOOOooo

Sam woke up just before the alarm went off; his breathing coming in gasps due to the dream. It started out the same as the others he had over the last few days, but this time he saw his brother in the dream as well. He managed to calm his breathing as Dean reached for the clock to turn off the alarm.

"Up and at 'em, Sammy. You've got beer to buy."

"Fine, but I'm taking a shower."

Dean watched as Sam headed to the bathroom, certain he'd had another dream. He decided not to say anything; Sam would talk when he was ready. He settled back into the pillow, which was unusually soft for a cheap motel, and closed his eyes.

Sam leaned against the shower wall as the warm water rolled down his back. It was bad enough seeing his father in pain and being tortured, but seeing Dean….what did it mean? Was something going to happen to his brother? He shook his head to clear it and finished with the shower.

The conversation between them was light as they headed to the bar. Without saying it, both had decided to put all the problems aside for the night. They had things to talk about, things to fix between them, but sometimes it was easier just to ignore those things and try to have some fun together.

The bar was the same as any they'd been to before. It was furnished with cheap tables and chairs; it looked like the best kept items in the place were the pool tables. Dean eyed them almost hungrily as he settled at one of the few empty tables while Sam got two beers from the bartender.

"Thanks." he muttered as Sam joined him at the table.

"Sizing up the competition?" Sam smiled.

Dean smirked. "What competition?"

They clinked their beer bottles together.

After sharing a plate of nachos and a couple more beers, Dean went off to play pool, leaving Sam to people-watch on his own. Normally he would have their father's journal or his laptop with him, but tonight was about time off and trying to have a little fun.

Sam enjoyed people-watching and split his attention between his brother and the other people in the bar. When they first arrived, most of the customers were older, working class men who drank mainly domestic beer. As the night wore on, more young people arrived, ordering microbrews and mixed drinks. Dean was in his element; he won a few hundred dollars playing pool, then started to drink tequila shots with pretty women, collecting phone numbers along the way. Sam was always surprised at how easy it was for Dean with women. His cheesy lines always seemed to work on them and they turned over their phone numbers, or more, like they were under a spell. It had been a while since Dean felt like hitting on women, and as much as Sam hated to admit it, he felt better seeing his brother in action. It was almost like the old Dean was back.

"Why are you still just sitting here, Sammy?" Dean smiled as he fell into the chair across from his brother. "I'm good, but I can't handle all these women by myself."

"I can't compete with you." Sam joked.

Dean could see his brother was ready to leave. Truth was, Dean had been ready to go at least an hour earlier and was staying only to keep up appearances with Sam. "I'm gonna hit the head; you ready to get out of here?"

"If you're done collecting phone numbers you won't use." Sam smiled.

TBC