Edited: 21/03/2011 some minor grammar mistakes.

StarsOfYaoi: I had this shot bottled up inside me for a long while, but now I'm finally posting it, so please enjoy it!

Be aware, some parts might not make sense until you reached the end, so be patient? :3

Inspiration for the one–shot comes from Rurutia's songs Hallelujah, Neo, Lost Butterfly and Itoshigo yo.

…–…–…–…–…–…–…

Rating: T

Summary: (ItaNaru, onesided SasuNaru) Because you can't demand to have something unless you lose something else in exchange. Sasuke wanted his family… he couldn't have love as well.

Warnings: as usual for my fics, male x male pairings. Painful decisions, confusing paragraphs for a long while, and angst and depression.

Disclaimer: you can sue me all you want, but I still won't own shit. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

"Talking"

'Thinking'

–Flashbacks, memories, dreams–

…–…–…–…–…–…–…

Shards of Life

One–Shot

:-:-:

What would you do

For another chance?

Would you make your life better?

Would you shatter it again?

:-:-:

Rain.

Rumbling. A thunder.

Lightening, and then more rain.

Rain falling like there was no tomorrow, as if by falling it could drown everything away.

The world outside, blurred within the storm, had slowly lost its sharpness and the cold seeped inside the room like poisoned mist.

So cold –as if the storm wasn't enough, stillness that made the inside blind to the pandemonium outside.

Yet, as the storm raged outside with noise and fierce rage, inside the room another kind of chaos marred the calm –a silent chaos that was slowly building, growing…

Thunder.

Outside –darkness, the smell of rain.

Inside –silence like death, the smell of lies and broken trust.

The figure was huddled in a corner, breathing ragged. His hands clutching almost desperately onto the scroll, now without being able to see it anymore…

Another thunder resounded in the air.

It felt almost unreal; the ragged breathing continued, growing louder and louder as the hands slowly unclenched around the scroll, allowing it to slip out of their grip and onto the floor.

A soft sound of paper unrolling against tatami mats.

Eyes that were almost completely blind flickered in the dark, unseeing, focused on something that was not there; a tongue tasted the wet feeling of the rain outside on his lips.

The wind shook against the window –another thunder.

A lightening flashed in the room, the faint sudden light vanishing just as quickly as it had appeared.

Moving for the first time, the figure stood up shakily, face completely emotionless and set, eyes uncaring, empty –void and blind.

He'd long since lost interested for the world around him.

He'd long since stopped caring.

The thunder echoed once again.

Slowly, the cold expanded and curled around him, and the void inside his chest responded to that, also growing.

The man's frame was lean and thin, covered only by a dark haori and a dark hakama, ebony hair falling limply all over his shoulders, reminder of just how long he had been uncaring for himself, too.

His skin was pale, complementing in a way his thinness, and his hands, almost frail–looking, were in truth able to disintegrate a wall –or at least they had been when things still mattered. Maybe not anymore, then.

Maybe he truly had become as frail as paper.

He'd long since stopped training his body and his mind as well, after all.

What was the point, as he was slowly losing his grip over reality? Lost in the darkness, feeling like he belonged in there… what did he need light for?

Too far gone to care.

The thunder exploded again, loud, rumbling.

Almost mocking him.

Eyes suddenly activated, swirling in and out of control, as the power he had been so proud of reminded him of how useless it had become, lost within the darkness… both a curse and a blessing (red melting into charcoal and back to red again, spinning and changing and then turning black again, without control, without restraints).

Barely able to see, pupils grasping on something around him before the same cloud of grey covered the world again, blurring everything in the same nothingness, the glimpse just enough to sparkle up the desire for more, only to squeeze it painfully seconds later.

It was hard. He couldn't see.

Shallow breaths loud again, he concentrated on his heart beating in his temples, overwhelming the sound of the storm outside.

The wind was again slamming against the walls and the window, but the figure did not move again, simply standing there, almost as if… waiting.

Then the waiting ended.

At his feet, the scroll was left abandoned, open and ruined, crumpled and tattered, smudged figures barely recognizable in the old, wrinkly rice paper.

So old.

So precious.

His safety blanket…

When dark hair fell limply over his eyes, the man did not push it away, as the feeling of it brushing against his face was probably the last real grip on reality he had, swimming in darkness as he was; everything else had long since faded into the black, horrid void.

He could barely feel anything, he could barely see.

Skin that was as cold as snow, nerves almost dead, eyes equally gone…

The thunder roared outside of the house once more.

:-:-:

Has nobody told you

Something that's lost

Can't be gained again?

Not even words are enough

To forgive and forget.

:-:-:

One hand moved. It raised in the air as if its weight was unlike any other, heavy and clammy, with a sluggishness that spoke of devotion and barely contained need, muscles tensing with strain.

Lips slowly parted, white teeth biting down on a thumb, feeling blood slowly pool out of the self inflicted wound, trailing down the back of his hand and disappearing down his sleeve in a thin, warm line.

Carefully, doing it by memory alone, he traced the word 'fire' on the back of his left hand, the strokes slightly uncertain as he couldn't see anything in the darkness (one that was more inside his eyes that outside).

Breath itched in his throat as he forced himself to move slowly.

And the thunder grumbled again, no more a remainder of reality and more like his insanity's own background music.

A shuddering breath –footsteps quickly approaching, his heart skipping a beat.

Blind eyes fluttered close.

He had nothing. He had turned his back away too many times (ignoring words spoken out of love and care, ignoring warm blue eyes that still haunted him, even in the dark –overwhelming his defences every single time), and he knew he was beyond redemption.

Many hours were spent in anger and rage and helplessness, trying to see again, to force himself to recognise simple written words, to remember and understand them, because with his wining sight, there would be only one chance, and then no more –and his life stopped being important then.

Nothing mattered other than the scroll. Read and remember.

Laughing and dreaming and smiling and hoping –he could barely remember it, let alone allow himself to think about it.

Smiles with affection, warm touches, shared promises…

It had long since lost its appeal, ever since finding the scroll and realising there was a new path open in front of him, one that filled him with burning, raw need, enticing him with an offer that couldn't be refused.

His hands were cold. His lips were cold. His skin was cold, and the blood trickling down his wrist now felt even colder.

The thunder echoed outside again, reminding him of where he was.

The storm would continue, on and on, forever, and he knew that.

:-:-:

How does it feel?

Unspoken words linger

No matter what you say

They never disappear.

:-:-:

Nightmares and illusions clouded his mind.

Darkness everywhere around him.

The only thing that had felt real, his blood, was now dried on his skin.

Blood and –the scroll.

More real than anything else ever before (not even the warm, loving lips against his own. Not anymore).

Footsteps came to a stop, the soft sound of shoji doors sliding open. The presence of someone else in the room just as the sound of another thunder, stronger, invading, exploded outside.

His skin itched and prickled.

Without taking notice of the figure in the room, he clasped his fingers together, smearing more blood onto both of his hands.

The silence was thick, heavy and filled with pain. The other figure would not speak… only watch.

While he could no longer to that, either.

Crimson eyes spun out of control again behind closed lids, a power he would never be able to use again as it was.

And pain and thunder and rain and silence (memories of himself crying loudly –against the world, against his family, against himself, smashing furniture with his fists, breaking bones, bleeding, unable to cope with this new disability, not even aware of comforting arms around his chest, drawing him against an equally warm body) and this was his world now.

How long had he lived in this mangled darkness?

(You're going to go blind)

How many days spent in building despair?

(It's the curse of those eyes)

Burning. Bitter.

Wings flapping in hatred against everyone (don't pity me I don't need your pity I don't need you looking at me like that I don't need anyone), against everything.

When had his eyes lost its light? When had fog started blurring the world?

He couldn't remember anymore now.

Even the faces of those he held dear were vanishing from his memory, just like leaves in the wind.

:-:-:

How does it feel

Everything blurring away…

But it's your fault

If your own mind can't remember…

:-:-:

Fingers gently unclasped as the wind slashed against the window.

The other person's presence ignored –it wouldn't deter him.

Nothing could anymore –not his gone sight, lost for his useless power

Not the arms that once held him close… accepting him

Not the feelings that made his heart hurt

Not the warmth…

Not even the worry nor words of warning… because he didn't care.

It wouldn't be wrong. He wouldn't do wrong… it was his last chance, his only chance. Leaving behind everything else for that.

For this once chance, he was going to throw away all he owned (forgetting words of love, shared protection, touches, kisses, smiles… everything thrown away, as if it didn't matter).

His everything had always been in the past.

After all, there was nothing left in the present that could balance out that offer. Not even those arms, not even his love, nor his dreams, offered without a doubt.

"Sasuke…" the other figure spoke, but even that voice felt empty. Distant. Useless.

His hands finally started moving, words leaving his lips in a hushed tone, deafening in the silence of the room, accompanied by the rain and by the sound of thunders outside.

"Sasuke… please…"

"Uma, Tora, Hitsuji, No, Mi, Tori, Saru, Tora, Mi, Ushi, No, Saru, U, Inu, No, Inu, Tora, Hebi–"

He didn't stop, knowing the handseals by memory, reminder of the many days spent trying to decipher the scroll (every word result of many sleepless hours, eyesight blurred into nothingness).

"Sasuke…"

"–I, Tatsu, U, Tora, Saru, Mi, No, Saru, Tatsu, Tori, Ushi–"

He had never stopped wishing; he had never stopped hoping and dreaming and regretting and… hating. During long nights that were cold as he laid in the darkness, clutching his chest in pain. He had never stopped wishing, not even when warm arms encircled his frame, chasing away the cold.

Because he couldn't feel the warmth.

"–Saru, No, Tatsu, Hitsuji, Mi, Tora, Saru, Tatsu, U, Ushi, No, Tora, No–"

Not without guilt.

Not without pain.

Not without regret.

:-:-:

I've got your love

Close in my arms

But something else it's what I want

Illusions hiding away from here…

:-:-:

"Sasuke, why?"

The chanting stopped.

A thunder rattled outside…

And the rain continued to fall.

Eyes moved, unseeing, knowing where the figure speaking was.

The person he'd wanted at his side. The person he had allowed to own his heart… and the person that had never really owned it.

He had longed so much to see beautiful ocean eyes in the last few months, when his world was spinning from sharp to blurred, and the fog slowly curled around his sight, until nothing was clear anymore.

And that voice, his loved voice, calling his name.

Voices where the only thing Sasuke had left.

And now his voice was trembling, shattered, broken. Holding such pain that Sasuke felt his heart clench, and a flicker of guilt… but only for a moment.

"Naruto… my Naruto…"

There was happiness in his voice –happiness that had never truly been there before.

Not even when he had Naruto holding him.

Not even when he had been offered love.

Not even when he had tasted the sweet, soft lips of his blond lover, not even when he had showered the body underneath his with kisses and love, during nights when the darkness hadn't been so scary and cold.

"Why…?" quiet, broken.

"I thought I would be enough… I thought… I thought you loved me back…" choking on his sobs, Naruto's voice faltered.

Sasuke could almost taste the tears rolling down the other man's cheeks.

Because… because Naruto would never understand.

"I love you Naruto… I've always loved you," he whispered back, hands frozen in the last seal.

It was the truth, of course.

Footsteps drew close, drowned by the rain pouring even harder now, and Sasuke felt Naruto's body in front of him, his warmth reaching out towards his own cold body.

One hand gently traced the contours of Sasuke's cheek, filled with love.

So soft…

"Sasuke… you're giving up on us… on what we have… you're giving up our everything…" 'for this'.

Sasuke could feel Naruto tearing up right there, his quiet sobs filling the silence, but he didn't allow himself to falter –he couldn't.

"But you can't be them," he murmured.

His family.

His clan.

Sasuke smiled.

He had never really smiled before –not real smiles. Not for Naruto. Never for Naruto, nor for anyone else.

That was what hurt the most, and Sasuke could almost feel Naruto's heart shatter.

"You've already chosen," Naruto hiccupped. "And it's not us…"

:-:-:

Accept my love

But do not hope

Because my heart

Will never be fully yours.

:-:-:

"I will see you again, Naruto…" another soft, sad smile –and Naruto sobbed harder.

"But I won't!" he cried out.

Yet, he didn't stop him.

Because Naruto would always place other people's happiness before his own, this Sasuke knew well. After all, Naruto had renounced to his dreams for Sasuke –even the Hokage position, offered after long years of training, had been refused to stay by his lover's side.

Goodbye.

Fingers traced the last seal

Lips parted for the last words

The thunder rumbled harder.

And nothing was left behind.

Empty.

…–…–…–…

Everything was alive around him.

Everything looked the same, yet everything was different. People stared. He stared back.

Eyes wide open in shock, he ran through familiar streets, horrified and strangely empty at the sight that greeted him.

He wanted to cry, scream, mourn –and he did, wailing loudly, a high–pitched sound that screeched his pain to the skies…

Crying and tearing up and sobbing and nailing at the skin of his arms.

Insanity tugging at his heart –broken.

But the world didn't stop. It moved on… and so did he.

…–…–…–…

Sasuke stared.

Yes, stared –with eyes that had yet to gain that lethal power heritage of his family, eyes that had yet to start showing signs of their curse, of their weakness.

Eyes that had yet to mature.

Hands gently pressed against his chest as pain flared through him, pain unlike any other before –deep, dull. Seething. Missing soft blue eyes.

Yet, he also felt relief.

'I did it…'

Unprepared for the wave of deep pain that washed through him, a pain that was more for what he lost than what he gained back, Sasuke felt as if a part of him was crying (betrayal) against him.

He could feel again –his skin was sensitive to heat, to the coarse texture of his clothes, his nose was filled with scents, and…

And he could see. He looked around, observing and enjoying the sights. Seeing the world again, after so many months of blindness –seeing his village, seeing his loved ones…

His family. The ones that held his heart, his soul, his mind –his sanity.

He could see colours and shapes and someone's face

"Sasu–chan~ come inside, you will miss lunch!"

He turned around, and he saw her –wonderful, wavy black hair and a warm smile, and eyes filled with love… a person he had loved a person he had seen dead a person he had called for during his long, cold nights–

Sasuke smiled; the smile blossomed on his face, bright and honest and wide like he'd never smiled since the massacre –that had not happened.

The massacre hadn't happened yet, and–

"Yes, mom!" he called back happily, tumbling into the house as fast as his five-years-old body could, towards the ghost of a past that wasn't past anymore, but present.

'Never' he promised himself. It would never happen.

The reason he had given up on Naruto, dropping him away like trash. Their love.

The reason why, instead of being regretful, guilty, Sasuke was happy.

Because in the end Naruto had been nothing but a replacement –an empty, useless one. Because Naruto was something he had used to fill the void left by his family –but Naruto hadn't been enough to fill the emptiness.

He had not been enough for that enormous nothingness.

After all, nothing could compare with family.

No one.

:-:-:

Has nobody ever told you

You shouldn't take love for granted?

Being deprived

Is like dying from the inside.

:-:-:

He saw him –the one who had started his pain and his insanity.

The one who had filled his nightmares and dreams with his presence –the one whose eyes haunted Sasuke every single day of his life.

The one person who had coldly ended the lives of their whole clan –the one person that held Sasuke's admiration, then love, then hatred, then rage.

Smiling down at him with the eyes and the appearance of an eleven years old kid, was the Killer. And Sasuke looked up at him and smiled back.

He would not ruin that chance.

He would not break this last chance to change the past, his present, his future.

His reason.

His why and his because.

His everything.

Sasuke smiled and chirped his brother's name sweetly, with admiration and love, just like he'd done before, all the while feeling his heart swell in his chest (five years old again, with the mind of a nineteen years old male whose life had ended too soon), because he saw the darkness lurking in the corners, and he wanted to run from it.

"Onii–san!" he cried out.

And cringed inwardly, feeling like throwing up, because he felt sick by the sight of him.

…–…–…–…

It would be different.

He was different, things had changed. He could not let his past affect him forever, since he already knew what to expect, what to evade, what to ask for and what to work for.

Changed, broken, his heart aching so strongly in his chest that sometimes, in the long afternoons spent watching and breathing and looking at nothing, he wondered if he was broken beyond repair.

Wondering why everything had happened like this, why he had been forced into a direction he hadn't wanted. Why he was still living, after all the pain.

Missing a heartbeat with every word uttered to him by people he'd seen die in front of him.

Missing the smiles and the warmth because he knew what was underneath the underneath… and he didn't like it.

He had changed.

After all, something that is broken sometimes cannot be repaired…

And this time, he wanted to fix himself first. He knew better now.

Thunders echoed strongly in the air.

…–…–…–…

At night, after a long day spent training himself viciously, getting used to his young body again, Sasuke's thoughts turned to Naruto.

Somehow, they always did, whether he liked it or not.

When his body was so exhausted after hours doing basic things that wouldn't have required any effort in his previous (negated future) life, Sasuke would be too tired to fend off those thoughts.

Too tired to ignore the guilt painfully gnawing at his insides.

Naruto's face would then flicker into his mind, followed by cracking thunders, and even though he preferred to focus solely on his brother, on the revenge he would soon extract, Naruto's face wouldn't go away–

Blue eyes staring at him with so much pain it was almost unbearable.

For a brief, fluttering moment, he would think at the smiling teen he had known, picture that warm smile in his mind that Naruto had reserved for him and him alone

Picture those arms, wrapped around Sasuke's body as he plunged deeply into the other man, caressing his body, loving it…

He could remember everything Naruto had given him (his heart his soul his mind his body his innocence his love his acceptance his care his dreams his everything), without ever asking anything in exchange, but then again, it was Naruto's fault.

Sasuke kept reminding himself that he owned nothing to Naruto.

He had never asked Naruto to give himself away.

But maybe… after saving his clan, his family, he could have another chance with Naruto too. Talk equally to him from the start, be friends with him, moving slow and sure steps towards that love that had sustained Sasuke during his slow walk down the path of insanity.

Fill those blue eyes with love again instead of pain and betrayal and sadness.

After all, this Naruto was new. He could start from scratch with him, without fear of evil snakes, of leaving the village, of murders and evil organizations and pain. This Naruto didn't know of the Valley of End.

This Naruto didn't know Sasuke had chosen his family over him. This Naruto didn't know the pain of losing him. This Naruto was a new chance, as well.

Because this Naruto was not the Naruto he knew.

And Sasuke was good at convincing himself he had not betrayed Naruto.

So he would stay up at night, much like he'd done before, eyes squinting in another type of darkness only to find his thoughts being too heavy for him to accept.

And in this different darkness, Sasuke allowed himself to fall asleep.

He could feel the thunder rattling in his mind again.

:-:-:

Holding a glow-worm in your hands

its light still bright

but fading away in front of you,

warm feelings that you remember knowing,

you're trying to forget –but can't.

:-:-:

Sasuke had known that for a five years old kid like him, trying to stop Itachi would be useless. Itachi was a genius. A prodigy.

But Sasuke was one too. He always worked hard, even if he didn't manage things the first time like his brother could… Sasuke continued nonetheless.

He trained himself, reading books and running, practicing, barely resting, spending some time with his parents because they were there and they were alive and he had missed them so much–

And when his father looked at him with contempt, wishing to have two geniuses, Sasuke smiled and showed him his own hard work. And his father nodded at him.

And when people stared at the family and admired them, and saw his efforts and praised him for them, Sasuke would nod and train himself more. And they would notice.

And when his brother would talk to him, and flicker his forehead, Sasuke would smile and laugh and pout and protest (because he had been an actor all his life) and when alone he would throw up in disgust, his insides clenching painfully because of the touch, and he would spit away the bad taste and train and hate.

Even though in this time nothing had happened, yet. Even though Itachi's hands were not those of a kin–slayer, but simply those of a murderer, like Sasuke's hands had been in the past (future), like every shinobi's hands were.

Itachi, through all of this, continued his life. And Sasuke watched. Observed. And acted like the little brother he had been, still was, still would be.

Because he would not reach Itachi's level, but it would still be enough to stop Shisui from going towards his death, on that faithful day.

Because he could warn Shisui, and then he would warn the rest of the Uchiha, and show them that Itachi was not reliable.

And his clan would know and they would be ready.

And Sasuke would be the cause of Itachi's downfall.

…–…–…–…

How different were the eyes of the people around him.

How relationships could change with the correct move at the correct time.

Accepting and crying every night, no one to console him, lost in a past that wasn't future, and that would never be that again… lost in the depths of a mind that didn't care and yet cared too much all the same.

And he moved on. Because that was what everyone who loved him would have wanted.

He moved on because this time it was different, and he wouldn't be hindered.

He moved on, because he had a goal, and he wanted to–

"Move out of the way!"

Glaring. Eyes as cold as ice. Hatred…

"Go away!"

And hands were on him, hurting. Some things never did change.

"Die!"

And then a different voice. Just as empty as his own was, just like a rehearsal of a life gone wrong. That was still going wrong.

"What's happening here?"

Two pair of eyes met. For the first time. Not for the first time. Changed.

He was staring down at him with curiosity, which felt weird to him.

It simply meant another chance –this time, to save.

"I am…"

"I know".

The thunder rumbled in his heart.

…–…–…–…

"Welcome everyone," the same start for the same long, useless speech.

Sarutobi–sama, Sandaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato, stood before them, a crowd of children that would eventually become an army of killers. His eyes were filled with pride and warmth, and Sasuke nodded to him.

He was the ghost of a past where wrong choices had brought the man down. The ghost of a past that had never happened. The ghost of a future that would be avoided.

He had admired the man, sad for the loss of someone who had cared for him when others hadn't. But now, this man had another chance as well… all because of him.

Sasuke stared. Charcoal eyes looming over the crowd before he could stop himself.

He saw the Nara kid, yawning and muttering he didn't want to be a ninja (when years to come would shape him into a fighter, the loss of his sensei bringing him to become one of the greatest).

He saw the Hyuuga girl, hiding behind her father, blushing and cowering from the crowd (when in the future she would hold her own, part of a team that gave her courage).

He saw others, and unconsciously his eyes searched the crowd for someone else. Moving onto faces he knew, faces he had never cared to know, faces he had forgot.

In search of blue eyes and blond hair. Of the smile that had warmed him even if not enough.

Where was Naruto?

For a fleeting moment, the thunders seemed to disappear from his heart as Sasuke ached to see him, his smile, his face, the words that the blond had always reserved to him echoing in his mind as he looked and looked–

Sasuke's eyes met his father's.

A dark stain in a faceless crowd. He was there because he'd been asked to. He was there because it was expected of him to be. He was there because (his brother had showed the same hollow, empty care) he had to.

And Naruto disappeared from his mind and his care.

Memories of corpses without life. Eyes open to never see again… Sasuke's heart tightened again. His family had always been more important.

Naruto would have to wait. Some more time, again, until they were safe. Sasuke knew he didn't have to worry. Naruto had never failed him before.

:-:-:

You betrayed once

And were betrayed.

You betrayed again

And again you were betrayed–

Endless circle of doom.

:-:-:

Even though… it felt strange.

This time he didn't care if his brother smiled at him, easily faking and acting and smiling back.

He didn't care whether Itachi showed up in the morning to wave at him before school.

He didn't care if his brother couldn't train him this time.

And yet… something had changed. Something was different.

There were still smiles.

Before, Itachi had stopped paying attention to his little brother, too occupied with his job, too occupied with stuff to bother with a small child, even if related to him by blood.

But now, there were still soft phrases laced with affection, small, caring gestures (and Sasuke had to fight so hard for his anger not to show, the hatred coiling inside his body, burning like a volcano ready to erupt).

In preparation for the supreme act of betrayal that would mean death to his clan, as Sasuke waited patiently, watching, he realised that not even once did his brother falter. The cold wind was still growing, not blowing yet, and Sasuke could only watch.

Had he been this calm and collected, last time? Sasuke had been too young to notice small things, but now he couldn't help but notice everything, trying to analyze the details.

Itachi's mask was still on. He was still loved, their father looking at him with pride, even though this time Sasuke had his own share of care and pride (demanding more and more and more from him as a payment for being his second child, wanting another genius, another prodigy, another weapon).

Care that was more greed than real care, but it was all his, and it was his everything and it was just the same to him, as long as he kept on receiving it. He wanted it. Always did. Craved, hoped yearned for it.

Sasuke could easily ignore the growing demanding undertones… this was the way it should have been… of course, not counting the murder that would be stopped.

Itachi still smiled. The smiles didn't feel strained anymore (but had it been strained before? Sasuke was too lost in his hatred and expectation to spend useless time pondering over silly things like smiles and words of love), they felt honest.

His brother was often out, not coming back at night, away all day, and Sasuke could see the act for what it was –an attempt to keep away from his family. Another way to cope with something he had never realised existed before, and could only now come to see, with the mind of a nineteen years old man in the body of a young kid.

His family would look at him expectantly, asking more and more every day, and Itachi couldn't do anything but give –and now that Sasuke was just as promising as his older brother, he found himself having to do the same.

Finally realising that his family, his clan, his father was asking so much out of him –too much.

Realising that what had driven Itachi to the point of killing his family, what had driven him away, was the greed.

Realising that they were never satisfied. They would only demand more. Still demanding. Like hoards of grasshoppers eating everything in their way, still moving on, always hungry.

Sasuke could see it now; Itachi had wanted to be free, like the Sasuke of that other life (future) had been, just like Sasuke had wanted all his life to be what his brother was.

But as the hatred was still there, the burning need for revenge still boiling, Sasuke accepted the greed, the need, the requests, accepted everything because to him family was the most important thing, and he still had to get his revenge over a family that had not been killed now (but had been killed in his future, so the crime still remained).

Denying the truth that in this life his hatred and revenge were useless –but they were his only grip on sanity, so he did not let go.

'I will get what I want –and I will finally find my place in life'.

Training. Bearing the pain in his heart. Plotting until no detail was left uncared for… and during all that, ignoring the voice in his mind calling out for Naruto.

As this Naruto was never at the academy when Sasuke looked (and he never looked enough, too lost in his revenge, of a stronger and weaker kind all the same).

As Sasuke never feared. Never cared, since that part of his soul had been abandoned for his revenge.

Naruto had never being important enough.

'After all… he tried to evade the classes all the time… I will worry about him later, surely later,' and by deluding himself he did not really care, Sasuke had truly stopped caring.

Even though in his sleep, the thunder continued roaring outside of a cold room.

…–…–…–…

His life had changed forever.

With a meeting, with soft words spoken from someone whose life was slowly descending into darkness to someone whose life had never left the darkness, sharing pain, sharing doubt, sharing what was left of their souls…

Slowly mending, slowly… healing.

Slowly starting to forget, to accept, to realize that…

The changes made him happy… as for once he was caring for himself, as he had finally found someone like him in the person that had caused so much pain to him. Directly, indirectly.

Eyes that looked at him and saw him for what he was.

Eyes that he could look into and see the real person who was hiding behind them at the same time.

And he changed, and he forgot, and he forgave.

Because he had started to see it was all for the better…

And the thunders slowly started to disappear.

…–…–…–…

Until that day came.

Years spent training, ignoring the life he once had, as for him once was enough, as he trained with all his willpower. His goal clear in his mind.

And the day came where all his efforts would be repaid.

Sweat running down his temples, afraid of screwing up again, knowing he wouldn't have another go at it, knowing he had sacrificed too much to be able to survive otherwise. Walking towards the only person his new future depended on.

The sun was shining, almost mocking him. The warmth on his child's skin was comforting as he moved, searching for the man he wanted to save.

His plan was finally starting, after years of preparation, years where he had ignored anything that wasn't training, years where the only thing that made him accept Itachi was his acting.

The hope he would see him dead soon.

The hope his actions would finally be punished.

The day his anguish could finally disappear… and he would then have a wonderful life, with Naruto. And his family.

"Shisui nii–chan!"

What will I say?

What will I do?

It's my time now, it's the moment I've been waiting so long.

The time for my revenge.

The time to move on.

And black eyes turned towards him, a smile gracing his lips with the kind expression people used on children, and Sasuke nodded.

He would save him.

He would save his clan.

He would be the one.

:-:-:

To grasp hope

With both hands

And realize you can live

Or realize you have to die.

:-:-:

And he heard the thunder play inside his head when things seemed to slip out of his grasp.

The sound of shattering silence and rain and memories

"Itachi already spoke to me," and words coming out of Shisui's mouth were alien to him.

Unreal.

"Stop playing like a kid… you should be more like your brother".

And Sasuke felt his body freeze under the cold touch of a sensation he could not name, as something was wrong and he could not understand.

And without being able to understand, days passed and

Nothing happened.

Itachi was still there

Shisui was still alive

His family and his clan were still living.

Sasuke felt, for the first time, something threaten to swallow him. In his mind, the thunders continued rumbling.

At night, Sasuke was left frightened. Frightened because he could not avoid something that he didn't even know when it could happen.

Frightened because his brother was a killer, and he would surely kill everyone. He didn't know when anymore, but it would happen, and not knowing when was eating him alive.

Then the fated day passed on, and nothing happened, and his family was still there, and–

And Sasuke was even more afraid.

And every day after that, the same thing again (thunders echoing in the back of his mind almost all the time, a forgotten cacophony of sounds) and onwards and onwards…

Every night he feared for his clan, wondering if that night would be the night… afraid that he couldn't predict his brother's moves anymore.

Unable to use his knowledge to predict what was going to happen, unable to fit in what he knew, and all of his plans were for naught.

Why?

And as eyes were staring at his room's ceiling, afraid and wondering and thinking… he dared to hope.

His brother couldn't change, he couldn't believe that (his heart still twisted in disgust when Itachi flicked his forehead, thankfully rarely nowadays, as he was always away), but at the same time… nothing was happening, so…?

Nothing had changed. So why? Why were things so different?

His mind could not come up with an answer to that.

…–…–…–…

And he got away.

Away from everything, watching from the distance, without thinking, without hoping, without caring, distancing himself from what his life had been before, then looking away.

He continued moving on, making friends, embracing softly the words people would send his way, knowing this time the ones he should be close to, and those he shouldn't… changing his way of living and finally returning to smile.

So long since he'd stopped smiling for real, so long, but now he was gaining back his will and his heart and the soul that had been so rudely ripped from him.

And it was sweet, the bitter kind of sweet, but sweet nonetheless.

As something that is broken sometimes cannot be repaired… but it can be shaped back up and it can still function, and then it might mend itself in another way…

Something broken can be useful if skilled hands can heal. If skilled hands can aid. If sharing words and love can create a whole new miracle –a pandemonium shaking the Earth.

Thunders couldn't be heard.

Not anymore.

…–…–…–…

His sanity slowly rattled away in despair.

He couldn't bear his brother's presence anymore, he couldn't stand his family's demands, their requests for him to be perfect. He couldn't stand their looks, the dread filling him for the something that should have happened but didn't, that he'd wanted to prevent but that hadn't needed to be prevented.

Only one person could have helped, and Sasuke's heart was now calling his name over and over, begging to be heard.

The one person that he had rejected once, the one person he had taken love from without ever giving himself back in exchange.

Naruto would help.

Naruto would never change, because Naruto was Naruto, and right now, with his world falling around him, he needed Naruto again.

He had to see him, he had to talk. Get his love back, slowly. Their friendship, the support he had always received from the other shinobi.

He needed to take from him that love that had in the past helped him so much –because even if his family was still there this time, there was still a void inside him that Sasuke didn't know how to fill.

He so desperately wanted to.

Sasuke searched through the village for that blond head with blue eyes, seeking that mischievous grin that Naruto had for everybody; he searched and asked around, and he looked out for those pranks he knew Naruto was famous for.

Nothing.

There were no pranks. There were no mentions of him in class. No angered Iruka scolding him, no children laughing at him. nothing.

Naruto was not there…

And rain started to fall. Real rain, not unlike the one in his heart, not unlike the remembrance of a storm that was still present in his mind. And rain poured on his head as he searched around, his heart aching.

Aching so badly during the days and nights and forever aching.

Because he wanted to hate Itachi, he hated Itachi, but now he had no reason to.

Because he wanted the unwanted love Naruto had offered him, asking nothing back for himself, and Sasuke ached for it.

Because he was slowly cracking under the pressure.

Three months since that day, three months of anguish and pain and fear and waiting… and for three months he'd wanted Naruto at his side.

Because maybe…

Maybe his family was safe. Maybe he had changed something, without knowing what.

Yet the sight of his brother was still filling him with hatred… even though he wanted so desperately to believe and care and love again, he could not allow himself to.

So he needed Naruto to make sense out of his life, too, but… but the person he had loved, the person he still loved, was nowhere for him to find.

Naruto was not there.

:-:-:

Showing a flame

Watching moths fly closein the dark,

Burning their wings

They trusted too much

Entranced by an offer of light.

:-:-:

And slowly Sasuke started to see the truth.

Weeks passed and his brother was not there anymore –their father now demanding Sasuke to fill in the role.

The weight asked of him, Sasuke could not bear (feeling he could secretly understand how it had felt to Itachi, how it surely was easier on him this time when someone was there to share this weight with him), nor could he stand the stares. The hunger. The greed.

Their expectations were too much.

The glares.

Why can't you be more like Itachi?

Why can't you be perfect, too?

You're strong, yet you still take too long to master a technique…

And he was alone, through all of this –still alone, just like before. Only this time he was alone and surrounded by his family, yet still alone. Loneliness was still gnawing his insides…

He wanted Naruto to be there, to take the loneliness away, just like before (in the future). Naruto had never been alone. He had his friends, had he not?

Naruto had never really suffered, not like Sasuke had. Because Naruto had always smiled (it wasn't that he was denying the pain hidden behind blue eyes, because nobody could have ever suffered more than Sasuke had. Ignoring that night that hadn't happened, ignoring Sasuke's own actions that had caused pain to his Naruto, ignoring the hateful glares everybody in the village reserved to the blond all the time…)

Naruto always smiled, that meant he was happy.

Sasuke had his family now. He wanted Naruto too. The only one who could help.

:-:-:

The truth is in front of you

Your eyes too blind to see it

What you left was what you wanted

All along, and now you have nothing.

:-:-:

Rain.

Thunder, lightening.

More rain.

Falling from the sky like there was no tomorrow.

Winds clashing against the windows, the world outside blurred into nothingness, and the cold slowly slipped inside the room, curling around his fingers.

Cold. He felt cold, and this was too familiar to him to be good.

Thunders rumbled in the air. And in his heart.

Too similar. Of a terrifying similarity, and his heart clenched.

Outside –cold, and the smell of rain.

Inside –cold, and the smell of uncertainty and despair.

The wind slammed against the window, as if wanting to fight against him. Sasuke stared, lost in the void that was slowly getting stronger.

He had never accepted fate. He had never been able to settle down.

He had thought that by going back, the void would disappear, but it was still there –just as painful, if not even stronger… why?

Another thunder.

A lightening flashed in the room.

Light that soon was gone, the room vanishing into darkness again.

The void expanded, wrapping itself around him.

The thunder echoed again.

A shuddering breath. Suddenly, the sound of footsteps drawing closer, mixing with his heartbeat.

Just like…

Sasuke closed his eyes. faintly feeling the world spin around him, feeling like in an illusion. Wishing for it to disappear.

Cold seeping into him, filling his heart…

A body that suddenly didn't feel his own. Too young, and at the same time… too old.

It felt unreal.

Slowly, he raised his hand to his lips, heavy and silent, and bit down on his thumb, feeling the blood run down his wrist, disappearing down his sleeve, feeling cold.

His blood felt real.

As if it was the only thing still real around him.

Still cold.

And the thunder rumbled again.

The shoji doors opened. A person silently slipped inside the room.

And that voice.

"Sasuke…" the voice said, softly. The tone empty. Distant. Useless.

Dark eyes shot wide open in shock, not even realising when they spun and melted into crimson, the utter surprise enough to trigger his bloodline again –the sole presence of the person he was now looking at shattering his outer calm.

He was… there. In front of him.

Ocean blue eyes and blond hair. Just like before, just like always, but of course, younger to fit the timeline, Naruto was…

And Sasuke felt his body brim with energy, wanting to move, to shift and break this heavy silence and the thick tension surrounding him, he wanted to ignore the thunders and the cold, ignore the rain–

The last time he'd seen Naruto, they both had been nineteen years old. Young men with willpower and strength and a trained body, and now… now the Naruto in front of him was eight, just like him. the same tanned skin, but chubby, small, short… surrounded by the promise of what would become of him in the future.

The same Naruto, a much younger Naruto, a different Naruto.

Different because in this timeline they had never met before.

Sasuke moved forwards without realising it, the need to have the other in his arms so strong it hurt –realizing only now, with rain pouring outside and the thunders echoing everywhere, that he'd always needed Naruto.

Needed him to be a part of his life, like before.

He couldn't go on without him.

He had been stupid, denying the need he had for Naruto, thinking he could go on without him. he had left Naruto without showing him his love, without offering anything back to him, and only now did he realise he had been stupid.

Now he could do it right –he could have Naruto, and his family, and things would be better.

He'd have both, and Naruto would make it better.

It took Sasuke only a glance to notice the fact that Naruto wasn't wearing orange, but dark, dull clothes.

It took Sasuke only a glance to notice that Naruto was not smiling.

It took Sasuke only a glance to see the pain flashing in deep, blue orbs.

This Naruto… this Naruto was different. This Naruto was not the Naruto he had known… where was the smiling blond he had fallen in love with?

Panic stabbed through his heart.

This Naruto was…

This Naruto was…

He didn't know this Naruto. What had happened?

Where was his Naruto?

Sasuke felt his heart clench (as he somehow knew that his smiles were lost forever. To him, at least).

"Naruto…"

:-:-:

Have you realized it yet?

For everything you gain

Something else gets lost

And dreams shatter

And nothing remains.

:-:-:

"Naruto!"

His Sharingan kept spinning and he stared. He stared into a pair of familiar yet unfamiliar blue eyes.

He wanted to move, move and open his arms and hug him, but he didn't dare because he couldn't know this Naruto yet… then why was he there?

Why was he staring at him?

Why was there such pain in his orbs?

How could he know his name if…

"You left me" a whisper. Low enough not to be heard, loud enough to shatter the silence.

Sasuke's world stopped there. Thunders rumbled faintly in the distance.

"You chose something that was gone instead of something you had… because it meant nothing to you… I meant nothing to you," hands flexing, holding onto thin air.

The words stabbed through Sasuke's heart, and he staggered backwards.

Harsh, cold words, spoken by a younger Naruto whose eyes were those of a man. Children body with an adult's mind… pain of the future mingled with pain of the past.

'No… no… no…' Sasuke's mind was crying. Denial.

A thunder crashed against his world, shattering the reality he believed into.

"I did not stop you… because I always knew your family would be more important… that you telling me you loved me was nothing but a lie".

Sasuke fell on the floor, his knees too weak to hold him up. Words that had not to be spoken aloud. A truth that shouldn't exist now… he…

"No… you're not…"

"But guess what… you forced me back, too… I was too close, I was too close and you forced me back too".

There was such emptiness in Naruto's voice, the voice of a nineteen years old man who had been broken, whose heart had been reduced to dust. Whose eyes had seen death. Whose mind had known pain that he should have never known.

Naruto smiled, and Sasuke felt tears burn in his eyes.

"No!"

Cold and empty and that smile was all for him.

Thunders exploded outside, their noise filling Sasuke's ears.

Only one thought amongst the deafening noise –It wasn't supposed to be this way.

"And I cried and cried and cried until I thought I had no more tears left," Naruto continued on, explaining and Sasuke felt something cold grab his heart, twisting and holding it too tightly.

His eyes spun without his control.

He didn't want to know. He didn't want to see. He didn't want to–

"But guess what…"

Naruto was still smiling, just like a broken doll. Sasuke could not stand that smile.

"No! it's a lie!" he could barely hear his own voice. It sounded broken and empty and… false.

A voice that was too young for such an old pain.

His cries were drowned away in the thunders, and Naruto smiled again.

"It hurt so much, like nothing could compare… knowing I offered you everything I had, and you rejected it… to try and have another possibility, not even sure if it would work, but still you didn't even look back… as if I meant nothing at all to you".

The smile was empty and Sasuke felt the pain rattle into his chest.

"Because you never cared about anything else… because you were not supposed to, because you drowned what was left of your soul where I could not reach it".

Sasuke shook his head, not wanting to hear, not wanting to keep on listening… but he could not stop him. Frozen there, dying inside.

"And when I wanted to die I found I couldn't because of you… because you took me back. And I knew I was cursed to go through all of it again, and I didn't want all that pain again…" the smile wavered in its emptiness.

Everything blurred away as the Uchiha lowered his head to the floor. Defeated. And still words overwhelmed the thunders. He had to listen.

The rainstorm raged outside.

And the cold reached his heart. Finally holding him close, freezing him.

"And now I have to thank you," Sasuke's eyes flashed with fear and regret and pain and he stared upwards, meeting blue orbs… and then Naruto's voice turned warmer.

He stared.

"You forced me to see the truth of my idiocy, you forced me to accept that I cared too much, that I offered too much –that I had cared too much for everyone, but cared nothing for myself".

Sasuke grabbed his chest with his hands, feeling it bleed from the inside –because Naruto was smiling and the smile was nothing he'd ever seen before.

It was cold, it was warm, it was everything Naruto had never been and everything Naruto had been. A smile that meant everything and nothing, a smile that showed him all the changes that had happened –and this smile was not for him.

"Because it's all thanks to you that I saved myself this time around. Instead of saving you".

Thunders destroyed his thoughts.

:-:-:

Open your eyes

Feel the pain

One dream is gone

Only nightmares remain.

:-:-:

And as he stared and stared and felt his heart break under the pressure the door opened.

Footsteps he recognized. A shape he had seen too many times.

Staring in shock –spinning wheels of blood in his eyes– as his brother entered the room. Charcoal eyes locking with blue ones.

Blue eyes filled with something Sasuke had seen only directed at him…

Blue eyes filled with something Sasuke had never understood until now.

Blue eyes filled with something Sasuke had never returned. Never bothered to return. Never wanted to.

"Naruto–kun… I thought you were waiting for me in the dojo…" Itachi murmured. His low voice winning against the thunders that echoed outside. Inside. Real and fake thunders… blurring together into unbearable noise.

That voice he hated

And dark eyes noticed him.

"Otouto… so I see you've finally met my teammate," words that made no sense.

That voice Sasuke had hated with all his heart when nothing had been enough, when darkness was too thick for him to see… when dreams had been shattered by nightmares…

That voice that brought a wave of pain and weakness inside him again, that voice that told him he was not enough, that voice that forced him to see…

That voice

He didn't even have to hear what Itachi said, as his sole voice was enough. And nothing truly made sense anymore.

"Sorry, but I wanted to meet the brother you always speak about," Naruto smiled.

Smiled at Itachi.

Not at him.

"Ah, sou ka… but we have to go now, our mission is about to start…"

That voice…

Naruto nodded, turning his head towards Sasuke, whose eyes had never left the two.

"It's been a pleasure to know you, Sasuke," Naruto intertwined his fingers with Itachi's, and the raven haired teen allowed himself a small smile, returning the gesture.

And Sasuke could only stare.

Words that were deaf to his ears. Gestures that were unseen by his eyes. Refusing to understandrefusingtoacceptrefusingto–

"Naruto…" but his voice did not leave his lips. His lips did not move.

He could not move. 'Do not leave… please…'

Frozen solid. Deaf and blind and lonely and the darkness circled around him.

Naruto…?

Thunders exploded outside.

:-:-:

Last of your dreams

A nightmare

For what you gained

Is not enough for your pain to cease…

:-:-:

As Itachi left the room, Naruto lingered behind for a moment, eyes observing the figure of the person he had once loved –the person he had given his whole self to, including his heart and soul, and that had only kept demanding, without ever giving something back.

Someone he could no longer feel anything for.

Sasuke had renounced to him not just once, but twice –the first time, years and years in the past (future), at the Valley of End. The second, right before both of them had tumbled back in time, one willingly, the other by force.

Yet, Sasuke had also helped him see the truth, that it was either change or death. Naruto couldn't have gone through the same pattern a second time, breaking again and again, but changing, renouncing to who he had once been, Naruto had finally found peace.

Sasuke had been given nothing much choices, but he'd never accepted any.

Now it was too late.

He had followed his lost love back to when he was still nothing, to when he had yet to win his loved ones' hearts, leaving him behind like a discarded shoe, uncaring.

And Naruto had lost everything because of Sasuke's selfish choice.

First there had been depression –he had wanted to die. How could he go through all that hatred again?

Then there had been pain –rejected and unable to put on a shield against the village, he had crumbled in solitude.

Then there was the rejection –insanity had almost killed him, because he didn't even have Iruka to turn to, and looking at Sandaime hurt too much already.

Then, finally –finally– realisation and acceptation had settled in –he had never meant anything to Sasuke, and if he had, that was long since gone, and he couldn't let it drag him down.

Then… then…

Then he had given up.

The Naruto that lived for others had died then, and he could do it only because there was no other alternative. With nothing left to do, Naruto had allowed himself to die.

The Naruto who would have given his life for Sasuke died when his soul had awoken in his five years old body.

That Naruto had died without anyone who cared at his side, but in exchange for that last sacrifice, a new Naruto had been born, one who trained and entered the academy right away, and when Sasuke was still training at home, that new Naruto had graduated and progressed further on, using his knowledge to advance with his skills.

He had asked Sandaime for solo missions, because joining a team would have made him uneasy –there was only Team 7 for him, and that would never change, not even in the past– and then…

And then he met Itachi.

Never denying himself the truth anymore, Naruto had allowed himself to heal, and in doing so, he helped Itachi to heal too –an Itachi still young, worshipped where Naruto was hated, but Itachi had been a person too.

Not a monster, not a demon, not a murderer –Itachi had been just like him, someone slowly drowning in solitude and silence.

Naruto had slowly offered a hand, and that hand had been accepted.

Not rejected. Not overlooked.

Itachi had grasped what Naruto was offering, and in doing so, he had offered something back, and Naruto, finally seeing what he had been missing all his life, had cried and accepted.

Sharing pain, sharing understanding.

Stepping forwards and intertwining his life with that of Itachi, because this time Itachi was still within help's reach (not like in the future–past–future, where eyes had been dark and empty and hopeless…) and Naruto had seen someone worth saving.

And Itachi had seen him, too.

And his precious people gathered together again, in different ways but still close. Support and love and care were slowly coming back to him. filling him.

And inside his chest now –the now where he didn't care too much– there was no emptiness. He didn't need to hide from Itachi because Itachi knew him.

No need for mask. No need for empty smiles.

Naruto was stronger, innocence lost in a future that would never happen, and still… he still had his loved ones, even if he renounced to some of their happiness to find his own.

They still saw in him someone worth loving.

Because he still cared. But this time he cared for himself as well.

Sasuke had never seen that.

Naruto hadn't seen it either, he would never have… if not for Sasuke. If not for his desire for revenge.

He really had to thank Sasuke. He had to thank him forever. But he also had to let go. The last act before he could move forwards again.

:-:-:

Have you realized it yet?

To grasp onto your wish

You can have only one,

You can't take them both.

:-:-:

The world was blurred in Sasuke's sight, his mind unable to work under the pressure, unbearable pressure forced on him.

The ice was cracking.

And Naruto's voice spoke again.

"Why are you crying?"

That voice was devoid of pain. The voice just renewed the pain in Sasuke's empty chest.

Sasuke was crying, and tears of shame were rolling down his cheeks, because the pain he felt was unlike any other. His eyes couldn't see anything –not even Naruto.

Naruto's voice floated in the limbo of pain and silence and finally reached his brain. Emotionless.

"You had what you wanted… you chose your family, and now you have it… aren't you happy?"

The door closed softly behind him, as Naruto's presence was gone from the room, gone from the house, gone from his life.

Forever.

Outside, the rain stormed against the window.

Thunders echoed in the rain.

"Aren't you happy?"

He was alone.

He'd given his soul away for a chance to have his family again.

"Aren't you happy?"

Sasuke's eyes widened.

He'd lost his love because of a family that was not worth saving.

Sasuke's body started to tremble.

He'd given years of his life for a cause that was lost. He had lost his love, and the one he hated had picked up the pieces. Holding him closer than Sasuke ever had. Reaching to where Sasuke had never looked.

Sasuke's lips parted.

"Aren't you happy?"

The thunders were too strong.

Naruto didn't love him.

Naruto was gone.

And he'd lost everything, and all of this had been all his fault.

And the cries were drowned away by the thunders. And the tears were lost in the rain. And the despair swallowed his reality.

And no one bothered to listen to the piercing cries that destroyed the silence into a million fragments.

"Aren't you happy?"

:-:-:

Wanting too much

Will make you lose everything

Lost words will hide away

Never to be found again.

:-:-:

Owari

…–…–…–…–…–…–…

StarsOfYaoi: that's the end. In case it wasn't clear enough, allow me to recap –Sasuke, going blind due to the curse of the Sharingan, went back to the past in order to change things. But as Naruto was close to him when the jutsu was performed, he was thrown back into the past as well. Heartbroken, Naruto then found another person to love instead.

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