Disclaimer: Danny and Lindsay aren't mine, and as sad as that is... with my crazy mind they are probably safer not being mine :Evil Smile:... All things related to 'CSI:NY ' Are property of CBS and the creators, producers, screenwriters.

Genre: Angst, Romance.

Rating: T.

Pairing(s): D/L (When do i never have D/L, huh? yeah that's what i thought... bahahaa LOL)

Summary: Lindsay is forced to go back to New York... That includes facing Danny again and re-living the pain that he caused her that night she said goodbye.

Spoiler(s): Season 2 maybe.

A/N: I know, I know.. some part to this has been done (kinda) before but I had this idea stuck in my head and I didn't want to waste it. Sorry about all the angst lol I never knew I had it in me (Hmm maybe I did hehe) Hope you like it.

Where I Get All Emotional and Start Thanking the World: (LOL!)

Thanks to mj0621 & tv freak 92 for being my friends and helping me out when my brain is completely useless :) Thanks to my other IMing, FFnet friends: Chelliya, BigMelinaFan.

Thanks to alltheglitters for being a such an inspiration, I swear if I didn't have fics written by writers like you to read... I would be nowhere! ROFL. (That goes for all the writers in my favorites list lol, you too mj:D)

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There's No Going Back.

By: Lila Wills.

Chapter 1::: "Remembering the Past."

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Lindsay's POV

I'm sitting here in my apartment on the couch, in the dark at god knows what time. My hair is knotted and is in severe need of a wash. My cheeks are stained with mascara dried tears and I have enough tissues around me to size up to about the same amount of trees in the entire amazon.

I have been sitting here for awhile but I don't know how long. Could be hours, days, months... Sometimes it feels like minutes, seconds even.

I cried like the world had ended, when in fact my world kinda had... Now though there are no tears, I feel nothing.

I can't eat, for I feel if I do I will bring it back up as if every taste that could touch my mouth is made of fire.

I can't think for if I do I will go through all of it again like the horrible nightmare it is.

I can't sleep cause if I do I will probably never wake, why would I?... what have I got to look forward too, cherish? embrace in life?.. nothing.

I can't cry anymore cause if I so much as feel the pain and hurt it will be too much to handle that my heart will break, as will my spirit and my mind.

And if I still want to even have a job I can't lose that.

All I can hear is silence... that is slowly choking me. I want to grab a pillow and cover up my ears to stop the ringing in my ears from the events earlier...

End of Lindsay's POV

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FLASHBACK

"How could you?!" Lindsay yelled trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

Danny looked away, "What's it to you?, you have no control over my life, what I do." He replied.

"What's it to me?!" Lindsay said, her anger steadily raising as to cover her pain. "Everything is a joke to you isn't it, you don't take any time to think about anyone other than you, do you?" She yelled.

"That is not true." He yelled back.

"Oh that's right, stupid me. I'm just the dumb hick from Montana. Sorry I forget easily... It's all about poor Danny, Danny's brother died... Oh imagine what he must be going through, forget that he de died protecting him cause Danny is much more important. Forget that I'm hurting, that you've broken my heart like it's nothing... No, we are going to forget all that cause we have to worry about Danny Messer." She yelled at him.

Danny snapped, "So... What? Your more important? You don't have any idea what pain is... You haven't had to suffer though anything in your whole life cause your Lindsay Monroe, sweet little innocent country girl with some big scary dark secret past. Well guess what! Nobody cares, people deal with it and move on. So don't get all upset because you've finally found out not every guy is prince charming." He said back with his voice raising.

Lindsay slapped him, "Get out." She yelled. Danny glared at her. "Get the hell out of my apartment, and my life while you're at it." She said pointing to the door.

Danny stood there and was going to say something right back when she stopped him, "Get out." She repeated, yelling this time.

Danny threw his hands in the air. "Fine, you want me gone. I'm gone." He grabbed his jacket and opened the door, he opened his mouth.

"Save it, you have nothing I want to hear." She said glaring.

He walked out and slammed the door behind him.

Lindsay jumped and stood staring at the closed door. She felt as though her heart had been ripped out of her chest.

Lindsay coughed as she choked back her sobs. She slid to the floor and curled up into a ball and let her tears fall. She cried until she finally surrendered to sleep.

END FLASHBACK.

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Lindsay closed her eyes and let out a deep breath as the sound of the slamming door echoed in her head. She swallowed in an attempt to stop her emotions from causing her too breakdown.

Letting out another breath she gripped the edge of the couch nervously and nodded. Her mind was made up. She was going to do it and no-one was going to stop her... Not even him.

Getting up slowly she steadied her legs and walked down the hall and into her bedroom.

Opening her closet she reached into the back trying to find what she was looking for. She grabbed it and pulled it out. She blew the dust from the top of it off. Holding it again made a flood of emotions run through her as the feeling came over her, the feeling she though she had put behind her... The feeling to runaway.

Lifting the suitcase onto the bed she started packing.

Fifteen minutes later...

Lindsay pulled her badge off it's place on her belt and placed it on the side table near the door. Sitting there also was a photo frame.

Her and Danny in the local bar with the rest of the team. The picture was taken the first week they had started dating. He had his arm around her and a smiling a goofy smile, and she was giggling as he whispered something in her ear.

Lindsay glanced at the photo and felt her throat tighten with despair, they looked so... So happy, like they were going to live happily ever after, just like she had dreamed as a little girl...

But they weren't and they never would, whatever they had was gone, lost, shattered into millions of heartbreaking pieces. She stared at his eyes and brown mixed with blue once more.

She glanced once more, "Good bye Danny." She said silently before picking up her suitcase and opening the door and walking out.

'It's over' She thought as she stood outside her former home in the rain. The rain drops soaked into her clothes but she didn't care...

She was numb, all the feeling gone, for if she ever did feel again then there would be no going back.

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Three and a Half Years Later, Philadelphia.

Lindsay woke up when she heard little foot steps come into her bedroom.

"Mommy." came a little voice.

"What's wrong sweetie? Couldn't sleep?" Lindsay asked as she sat up.

The little girl shook her head in the dark.

"Come on, hop in here." Lindsay said pulling back the duvet and patting next to her.

The little girl climbed in and snuggled into her. Lindsay kissed the top of her daughters forehead as the child went back off to sleep..

Lindsay lay awake starring out the window, her thoughts wandered to someone she had not though about in a long time... Danny.

No that was not true, she thought about Danny every time she looked at Megan... their child, a part of Lindsay and Danny that they had created together.

Megan who would be turning four in October was alot like Danny other than her curly hair and Lindsay was sure that if she had stayed in New York Megan would talk like Danny too.

Lindsay smiled as she remembered the sound of Danny's 'Hows it goin' or 'Hey Montana'.. Oh how she missed that annoying name when he said it in his thick New York accent and that cheeky lop-sided grin.

She shook her head, trying to shake him out of her thoughts in the process.

Megan was growing more and more like him every day so matter how hard Lindsay tried to banish him from her mind just one look at Megan and there he was. Every time she smiled, every time she laughed, every time she got angry, every time she got confused and got a wrinkle in her brow she saw Danny.

Lindsay cried herself to sleep holding the her child of a man that had broke her heart.

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Danny woke up and sat bolt upright, breathing heavily. The nightmares had returned, always the same one:

He is in a dark room that looked allot like and interrogation room, he looks around and sees a coffin lying on the table... He opens it to reveal Louie lying there dead... He hears a voice and turns around to see Lindsay standing there shaking her head "What have you done?" She says, with tears running down her face... Blood tears, he looks down at a picture frame he is holding, a picture of him and Lindsay... It bursts into flame... And he wakes up with sweat dripping off his face.

Danny looked at the clock and sighed. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed he got up and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower.

TBC

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So... what do all ya'll think eh? I know it's very depressing compared to my other stuff. :) I might take me awhile to update this since my angst seems to come and go as it pleases, much to my annoyance... I will try though.

Oh I typed this up at about :looks at clock: eeeek 5 in the morning... after not having even slept! blegh I'm gonna feel like crap tomorrow... well anyway since this was edited then please excuse the spelling, punctuation errors that might very well be in here somewhere ROFL.

Read and Review! (please, imao)

xxxo Lila