The Ballad of Scrooge McDuck
(composed rather humbly by The Illustrious Crackpot)
Way back when in the days of yore,
A Scottish duck was born so poor.
The latest of noblest line McDuck,
They called him Scrooge though he was down on his luck.
When he turned ten, his family came
And bought him a gift to prize.
A shoeshine kit for lad McDuck,
He couldn't believe his eyes.
He shined the shoes and worked the town,
Though he was still a mine'.
He made a lot to help his kin
And there earned his first dime!
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
The family had a grand chateau,
The McDucks were great but now in woe
The Whiskervilles had eyed the plot
But Scrooge drove them out of the ancient lot
Having saved his ancestral home,
The lad did cross the sea.
America he'd heard of once;
It must be the land for he.
His Uncle "Pot" and the yard of ships
Took him as cabin boy.
There he bungled the Beagle troupe
As if they were a toy.
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
The kid went out to the wild west
At fifteen was this awful test
His new name here was "Buck McDuck"
The Scottish kid who was down on his luck.
He got a job with the Cattle King
After beating Jesse James.
He met near-president Roosevelt
And traded off their names.
Scrooge whipped McVipers into shape
And taught them not to steal
Bringing back prize bull of the herd
Just for a decent meal!
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
Prospecting was his next try
The duck could take an egg and fry
But copper was the thing he struck,
Poor Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck.
Then copper price did rise and soar
But no more veins could he see.
Then Rockerduck showed him how to go—
Prospector, too, was he.
Then a vein was found, and Scrooge McDuck
By Apex Law had won
The biggest copper mine in the land
But had to take the dough and run!
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
Back to Glasgow went old Scrooge,
Seemed his folks were back on dues.
His uncle, sisters, mom and pop
Had to pay their rent or life would stop.
The Whiskervilles were back again,
The dastardly brothers two.
They wanted the land so they might find
Some treasuries a-few.
But Scrooge McDuck, he battled 'em blind
And set them on their tails
The rent was paid up and young Scrooge
To America back would sail!
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
Africa was next for him,
The place were gold was last struck in.
He was still on the trail for shining ore
When his gear was stole by a nasty Boer.
Scrooge had trusted him with his life,
And paid in tales was he.
But Scrooge went right to sleep and snored
With Afrikaaner set to glee.
He went straight to town the very next day
And gave a lesson to the Boer
Enemies he'd seen a lot,
But Flintheart Glomgold was more!
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
Pizen Bluff was on the list
And Scrooge went there to find his bliss
The Dalton Boys he shot right down
And made a line to Australia-town
Hoodwinked and a-robbed was Scrooge
But that was not the least.
An old man was a mentor to him
And told of the great Platypus beast.
Scrooge tamed an emu and off he rode
To reclaim his very first dime
And found through the story of Platypus beast
Where to go for his good time!
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
Off to the Yukon was our duck,
The poor Scottish lad so down on his luck.
He took a loan from Soapy Slick
And was connived by a lowdown trick.
But up the mountains Scrooge did go
To find a cache of gold
He ventured where none had dared to go
And none could say he wasn't bold.
He gave it to that Soapy Slick
When Soapy went too far
Now Scrooge has tons of gold to have and hold
While Soapy's behind bars!
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
Back to Scotland our hero went,
A billionaire but his nature was bent.
He made his sisters straightways pack
For America where they headed back.
A man named Coot had sold some land
To rich man Scrooge McDuck.
So he made his way to Calisota
Now back within his luck.
The Beagle Boys he stopped again
And got something else as well:
Sister Hortense did love a man
And their tempers coupled like hell!
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
Several years after that trick,
Scrooge was in the best of schticks.
His money was more than most had seen,
But his sisters saw how he turned mean.
He destroyed a village in his wrath
Of a duck who's crossed the edge.
His sisters left him in shame;
Of goodness, Scrooge had but a wedge.
He took twenty years to get back home
But scorned his sisters once more.
He was the richest of the world;
But life alone—was he still poor?
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then he got his gold
The Glasgow kid with his specs and sides,
His story now is told.
It's 1947 right now,
And Christmas in Duckburg was on the prowl.
Scrooge has been absent for many a year;
What of the outside had this duck to fear?
Donald, his nephew and uncle to three,
Was in Scrooge's cabin for a night.
Not seeing the miser, he left for the town;
Huey, Dewey and Louie not the least bit affright.
Scrooge met them while chasing the Beagles boys,
And his adventure awakened once more;
Cold heart melted by nephews and all,
Now the rich duck is no longer so poor!
Scrooge McDuck was down on his luck
And then his nephews came.
The rich old man with the specs and sides
And the tale of the folly of gain!