Disclaimer: I don't own anybody just the twisted ideas (and the ones borrowed from CAP)

Thanks to CalGal for all her help! (especially for being willing to read the bloody parts lol)

THE NIGHT OF LOVELESS REVENGE

"Antoinette, those two meddlers have destroyed my plans for the last time." he pounded his fist on the table, "I will have to devise my most cunning plan yet and end this travesty once and for all," the little man jumped down and paced around the room.

"Miguelito, you'll come up with something you always do."

"And they always find a way out of my traps and they always make fun of me while doing it. Not this time. I want them finished for good," he grinned as he rubbed his hands together.

"Artie?" James West knocked on the lab door, "You got a second?" He asked his partner Artemus Gordon.

"Yeah, sure, Jim. Don't touch that though," Artie cautioned his partner.

"It's a glass, Artie."

"Just a glass, Jim? Can a glass do this?" Artie carefully took the glass and held it up to the lamp.

The room turned a mixture of colors. Jim stared transfixed. Artie moved the glass over to a beaker and poured some liquid into it. He swirled the liquid around as a layer of foam formed on the top. Artie walked over to an iron slab and set the glass on it and backed away. Within seconds, the glass began to melt and the puddle it formed began to bubble and foam. Then a hole appeared in the iron plate. Jim stared open mouthed.

"Didn't think you'd want to drink that," Artie said.

"Artie?"

"Just a little something I've been working on, Jim. It's an acid base I've been playing with. The alcohol acts as a catalyst that starts the reaction. Just pour, swirl the liquor around to coat the glass and viola instant acid."

"Artie, you have too much time on your hands," Jim shook his head as he smiled at his partner.

"Wait'll you see this!" Artie said excitedly as he smiled at his partner as he handed him a tiepin.

"It's a tiepin, Artie." Jim rolled his eyes.

"Is it?" Artie replied with a gleam in his eyes.

"It looks like a tiepin, Artie."

"Well, James my boy, you should know me better than that by now."

"Well, if it's not a tiepin, Artie, then what is it?"

"Oh it's a tiepin all right. But pull this diamond stud out and see this little chamber?" Artie pointed to the small opening, "It's a very concentrated form of acid. This chamber will hold about 5 drops. You just never know when you might need it," Artemus seemed happy with himself.

"You wanna know what I think, Artemus?" Jim asked his friend.

"What do you think, James?"

"That Colonel Richmond is right."

"Huh?" Artemus looked at his partner quizzically.

"We need a vacation. No mission, no gadgets, no meetings, no nothing for at least a week or so."

"Sure that sounds good to me, Jim. Send me a post card," Artie turned his concentration back to his work.

"No, Artie," Jim removed the beaker from his hand and set it down, "not just me, pal, us."

"US? But Jim, this IS my idea of a vacation."

"Well, it's not Washington's idea of a vacation, pal. Ten days to spend any way we choose as long as it doesn't involve reports, missions, meetings or labs and test tubes," Artie just stared at him.

"Didn't I just have two weeks off?"

"Artie, you just spent the last two weeks holed up in here and your room trying to recover from bruised, cracked and fractured ribs on the way back from the mission in the Oregon Territory."

"One man's holed up is another man's vacation," Artie smiled.

"Just think of it as the assignment you always dreamed of, Artie."

"The assignment I've always dreamed of?"

"Sure, pal. We just got ordered to disappear for ten days while they refit the train. Just think about it, ten WHOLE days with nothing to do but meet lovely ladies and wine and dine them," Jim had a grin from ear to ear.

"Well, if I have to go with you I might as well stay here, you'll just hog all the ladies to yourself," Artie gave him a crooked smile.

"They did leave the where and with whom up to us," Jim matched his crooked smile.

"Oh no, and miss a chance to watch the great James West in action? I wouldn't miss it," Artie beamed, "besides someone has to console your castoffs."

"Good, we can leave now then. I booked us rooms for tonight," Artie arched an eyebrow at him.

"Feeling pretty sure of yourself weren't you?"

"No, pal, just sure of you," Jim grinned as Artie threw a towel at him.

"Okay then, I'll go pack if you saddle the horses," Artie began to clean up the lab.

"No need, pal. Colonel Richmond was pretty sure you wouldn't want to go at all so he asked me to pack for you and saddle the horses before I even asked you," Jim shifted his weight from foot to foot uncomfortably.

"Oh he did, did he? I've half a mind to just stay put and oversee the refit but you do owe me a steak dinner," Artie smiled.

"I owe you…oh that's right I do owe you that dinner. Well, let's get going and get checked into the hotel, then we can grab a beer before you decide which restaurant will be getting a large chunk of my wallet," Artie just grinned.

Artemus finished cleaning the lab and stowed everything securely. They left the train and mounted their horses. They rode off toward town and the vacation that awaited them. They reached the hotel, checked in, unpacked and headed to a saloon.

"I have it, Antoinette, I have it!" Dr. Miguelito Loveless shouted. "I have finally come up with a way to rid myself of Mr. Gordon and Mr. West forever," He wrung his hands excitedly.

"I'm glad, Miguelito, what do you have planned?" Antoinette asked as she continued to softly play the piano.

"First I need to separate the dynamic duo. Then I can work on how to get the other one here after I've had a little bit of fun."

Loveless wrote several notes on small pieces of paper and carefully folded them. He walked over to a row of birdcages. He opened the nearest cage and slipped the first note into a canister on the bird's leg. He set the bird loose and went on to the next one. Six notes in all went out on the carrier pigeons.

"There, that should be enough," Loveless said as he rejoined Antoinette at the piano and began singing. "One of my henchmen should be bringing us a guest soon," he grinned at the thought.

"I've got to go back to the train, Jim," Artie announced when he met Jim in the saloon.

"Artie, you know the orders. Once we left the train we aren't allowed back for ten days."

"Yeah, I know, but I bet Colonel Richmond didn't count on my partner forgetting to pack my journal. And you KNOW I never leave home without it," Artie tried to look upset.

"Oh, sorry, pal I thought I was missing something when I packed for you. Have a beer first then go get your journal. I'll wait here for you. I see a card game I'd like to watch."

They drank their beers and Artie excused himself. He mounted his horses and headed for the train. He had told Jim he would be back in half an hour in order to give him a few minutes to sneak a peek in the lab. There were a few items he wanted to grab, just in case. It never hurts to be prepared, he thought as he neared the train on the siding. He pulled his horse to a stop and dismounted; tying his horse to a tree, he inspected the train. The door to the varnish car was ajar. Artie knew the workmen weren't due to start the refit until tomorrow. Artemus pulled his gun from the holster and crept up the stairs.

He entered the darkened car and lit a lamp. Hi picked it up and looked around. Nothing seemed out of place so he quietly proceeded through the car. As he made his way down the hallway, he passed the lab. He did a double take. He KNEW he had closed that door. He pushed the door open and cautiously looked around. Seeing nothing amiss, he started to back out when I rather large hand snatched the lantern from his upraised hand. As he turned to look, he was struck from behind by the butt of a gun. As he collapsed, Artie tossed the tiepin onto the floor.

"Oh Voltaire, excellent work. Most excellent work. You brought one of them back far sooner than I had hoped. Which one did you bring me?" Loveless asked as Voltaire lifted him and set him down next to the unconscious form on the floor.

He used his cane to push the form onto his back to get a look at his face. He jumped ecstatically when he saw the still face of Artemus Gordon. He poked him with the tip of his cane as he giggled.

"Put him in the cage, Voltaire. Tie him up first though and I do remember Mr. Gordon's penchant for inventive little toys so search him well," Voltaire nodded as he scooped Artemus up and left the room.

Jim glanced at the clock in the corner as he watched the game. Artie should have been back ten minutes ago. Oh well, I'll give him a few more minutes, knowing Artie he probably stopped by his precious lab to check on something, Jim leaned back in his chair and watched a few more hands.

"This guy is good," he thought, Artie should be here, he'd love a crack at this guy, Jim looked at the clock again. An hour had passed. Not even Artie would take this long knowing his partner was waiting for him. Jim finished his beer, set the mug down and walked out of the saloon.

He rode off at a leisurely pace in case he was being followed and headed in the direction of the train. When he reached the siding he continued on past the train taking in the darkened cars. He didn't see Artie's horse anywhere. He slowed his pace and turned his horse around and headed back for town when a man stepped out from between two of the cars.

"You lookin fer that other fancy dude what was here a while ago?"

"Yes, did you happen to see where he went?"

"Yeah, he was sayin somethin about getting a telegram from a lady friend and he was goin back ta tell his friend he was meetin her. Guess you'd be that friend," the man said.

"Yes, I'd be that friend. How long ago did he head back?"

"I can't rightly say, bout as long as it takes ta bleed this here rabbit I shot for my supper, I recon," the man turned back to his rabbit.

Jim regarded him closely for a moment before spurring his horse toward town. He failed to notice the old man's eyes focused on him just before he disappeared between the cars again.

Jim sat pensively in his saddle on the ride back to town, trying to come up with a plausible explanation as to why his partner would cut and run on him especially when he owed him a dinner. Even if Artie were to ditch him for a lady, he would have ridden back into town and told him or at least gotten him word somehow. When Jim got back to town he headed straight for the hotel. He went inside and talked to the clerk who informed him he hadn't seen Artemus since they had departed the hotel together earlier that evening. Jim headed back to the saloon.

He entered and looked around. The bartender motioned him over. Jim walked over to the end of the bar as the bartender slid a folded piece of paper across the bar to him saying a pretty woman left it for him. Jim opened the note. Mr. West, sorry to drag Artemus away from you but when he said he was on vacation I insisted he dine with us this evening. He will stay the night and return early in the morning. Yours, A. Jim read the folded the note and stuffed it in his pocket. He thanked the bartender and headed back to the hotel for dinner.