Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not my time, not my money and certainly not Yu Yu Hakusho. I do however own the Wakahisa crew, much to their dissent.

A/N: - Yes, I realize it has been MONTHS. I'm not too happy with this to be honest. I've been working twelve hour shifts on minimum wage, with only one day off a week, most of which is spent sleeping, all so I can save seven grand so I can return to college next year! I just can't seem to drag the humour out of me, it's like drawing blood from a stone. I'm so…bleh. So don't expect updates to be much better. On the plus side however, you see glimpses of the main plot begin to unfold here! (yes, there IS a plot, more or less!) Enjoy!

Mood - depressed

I don't think it is physically possible for me to be more crap than I am now currently in. I am up shits creek without a paddle, boat or life jacket and the Great Shit Falls are approaching at double speed ahead, with giant poo piranha's snapping at my feet.

Allow me to elaborate.

I have allowed myself, in the fine tradition of dumb side kick heroines in fairy tales across the multi-verse over, to be kidnapped and held prisoner by a stereotypical lunatic, equipped with Manic Laugh in an Acne Tower Of Doom. I swear these guys couldn't get any cheesier if Celine Dion knocked at the door and started singing the Titanic theme song.

All this Chi character needs now is a goatee and the transformation is complete.

But even I have to admit, my capture was embarrassingly easy. One minute I was minding my own business, watching Dad and the Melodramatic One measure each others packages and the next minute some class A asshole had managed to sneak behind me in the commotion and sink me into one of their...blood portal thingys'. Which, might I add, was the most uncomfortable experience of my entire life. The gooey sensation had come from me sinking into a hole of blood of all things! I'm still encrusted in the gunk, thanks to these impolite, toe rags.

It's been one week since I was captured, chained to a wall in a bloody dungeon, which looks like a perverts cheap porn set built in their garden shed. I can't seem to use any of my spirit energy too. No idea why, but as God likes using me as a bad luck target practice, my measly powers, the one time they would have been handy in my entire life, mysteriously short circuit! Joy.

The only good thing about this whole situation is my single guard, a pretty boy Blood demon called Ayumu who probably spends more time on his hair than David Beckham. Seems he's Chi's one and only (surviving I suppose) son from a second marriage and like his dear old Dad, he's got long black hair (obviously washed, conditioned and perfumed every day), creepy, pupil free red eyes and has his thumb stuck so far up his own ass that it improvises as a second tongue.

And he's such an easy target that my eyes water every time he walks into the room. I see him only as a giant target sign.

Speak of the devil, here comes the fop with my dinner!

Stomping down the circular stone steps, dear old Ayumu is trying to get in and out of here as fast as possible, bless his naïve little heart.

"Don't start on me today Raika, or I swear to the Gods I shall smite you!"

"Smite me, Ayumu? With what, a plague of raining frogs? Curse of the firstborns? Hate to burst your bubble there big guy, but my Dad is gonna redecorate this castle with your Dad's intestines!"

I'll give him one thing, Ayumu honestly does try to ignore me and turn the other cheek but really, what can you expect? When I put my Annoy-O-Meter on full blast, I could drive the Dali Lama to homicide.

"So, pretty boy. How about you stop worrying about your hair for three seconds and tell me what the deal with this whole "kidnap" conspiracy is hm? I mean, what the hell were you guys thinking? You could have captured any one of us! And I'm not gonna kid myself, I'm not the sharpest knife in the Wakahisa cupboard, Actually I'm more like spoon compared to some of the others! Did you all just panic or what?" I nattered half-heartedly, not really expecting an answered since I said more or less the same thing everyday in varying degrees of annoyingness and still got a blank slate in return.

What I did accomplish however, was a spoon full of cow dung, or whatever it was the sadists fed me, in the face.

"….Shithead." I muttered, unable to even wipe the gloop off my face.

Ayumu marched up to my face, brandishing a be-gruelled wooden spoon like a weapon, and attempted to look menacing. He did not succeed.

"Listen here, Raika! Day in and day out I endure your barbaric tongue. You insult my intelligence, my looks and my ancestry and I shall stand for it no longer"

"I bet your parents are siblings, it would explain a lot," I grinned, causing his face to go another shade redder. I think he's bordering on puce.

"Everyday I hear you blather and complain and whine and insult, all the while convinced that your murderous father and his pathetic spawn will free you from our fortress! Know this girl, I shall dance on your grave when my father finally slits your throat!"

"Ah Ayumu, Ayumu. I would try to see things from your point of view, but I'm not flexible enough to stick my head that far up my ass."

I bit his nose then.

Ayumu wisely left at this point, which was just as well because I don't think a life time of therapy is going to repair the poor boy from having to look after me. On the downside though, I've got a food-like substance covering my face and an empty stomach. I have to start thinking stuff through.

So yeah, that's the extent of my revenge so far, annoying the jailer. I know, I should be wearing spandex and my underwear on the outside, I'm so fucking heroic. But, as previously stated, there isn't much I can honestly do until someone decides to hurry their lazy arses up and rescue me.

Actually, this is all Urameshi's fault! If he has all this super charged spirit power, then why in the god damn hell hasn't he come to save me yet! What an asshole.

Oh no… my nose is itchy! What the hell am I meant to do now!

Do you know what it's like to live with an itch in your nose for four hours and not being able to do a thing about it! My GOD!

And so when I finally heard blessed steps coming downwards, I was just about ready to be Ayumu's love slave for eternity if he would just scratch me!

It was, however, a woman. A rather beautiful woman. Actually, let me reiterate. A woman so magnificently radiant that she looked like the love child of Mr. and Mrs. Universe and the number one Bunny in God's personal playboy mansion! Hell, if it wasn't for the creepy red eyes, I would have come on to her!

She was regal looking though. A billion times more refined than Chi or Ayumu that's for damn sure. Firsts impressions were everything in these types of situations! I furiously thought back on everything Dad ever told us about these sort of situations. You had to be suave, cunning, glacial and intelligent, you couldn't let them look down on you. Give them one inch of insecurity or weakness and you're a dead man!

"…If you scratch my nose I'll find a way to have your babies."

…Okay…perhaps not the most intimidating of first words.

Surprisingly enough, she just smirked in a "My word, you are so far below me the ants have a better chance of grabbing my attention" way and glided (glided I say!) towards me in her long, scarlet evening dress, her pale skin glowing like star light in the dark and her hair so black it looked like apart of the shadow engulfing her. It's impossible not to sound gothic when describing her, I challenge you to say otherwise!

"Rai-ka Wa-ka-hi-sa" she sang, rolling the syllables around her tongue like she was tasting them. Ooookkkaaayyyy, I'm a tad freaked out already. Not only do I feel mind numbingly inadequate being in the same universe as her, she's also a weirdo.

"Long have I waited for this moment, though I wished it would be the General himself and not the daughter…but no matter. I rejoice nonetheless."

"Uh…rejoice away lady."

She began circling me like a bloody vulture then, dashing my hopes that someone, somewhere in this castle or whatever it is would go against the stereotypical villain and act normal but oh no. They must pose first.

"I believe you met my son, Wakahisa-san and also my husband, now that I come to think of it. You have been causing him much grief."

I shrugged. Like I gave a shit what any of these freaks thought.

"Yeah well, you must be very proud. Between your husband and your son, you just might be able to scrape enough IQ for a slightly malfunctioning human. Congrats."

Yeah I was on full on defence. This woman was so strange. Not once have I seen her blink in all this time, and believe me, I'm waiting for it, and unlike the other two morons, this woman gives me bad chills down my spine. She oozes danger, and people who ooze anything should be avoided on principle.

"Hmm." She mumbled before snatching my chin with her nails and holding my face up to hers, my eyes forced to stare into hers. Ew.

This lady gives me the creeps. She doesn't have the bumbling, almost endearing stupidity of her husband and son, oh no. I think that if I pissed this girly off, she'd dig her claws into my throat drink the blood left over. Shit.

She was tilting my head from side to side, looking at me from every angle, and seemingly genuine smile on her face which gave me more chills than if she had asked me whether I wanted a large funeral or a cremation.

"You have little of your mother in you Raika…" she murmured softly, perfect lips smaking together gracefully.

I wanted to smash her nose in instantly. How the fuck did this bitch know my mother? I drew my eyebrows into a frown and tried to avoid eye contact with little success.

"Yeah well I wouldn't know, she died during child birth…"

Creepy lady smiled even more at that, like she was trying to imagine how my mothers death played out.

"Do you know that in our culture, we drown babes whose mothers die during child birth, so that they may guide their mothers spirit to the other side?"

"…Really, how nice for you."

"I sense that you are more your father's child. Rash, impulsive, infuriating, or so my son tells me. I always despised your father, he had a small mind, thirst for blood as violently as he thirsted for riches and power. Yes, you are quite like he."

She finally let my face go, and I flexed my aching jaw while wishing my Dad and brothers here more than I have since I was first captured. I haven't been afraid since I was first chained up but now…

She drew away, still staring, her long sleeves brushed against each other as she crossed her arms in front of her.

"Your mother however," she continued as if she never stopped, eyes sharp with malice, "I respected her. She carried herself with such grace. Unfortunately, you have inherited nothing of her mentality. Then again, what can one expect of the progeny of Raidon. Know this Raika, I wish your Father dead. I wish him dead more than anything in this world, even more than my own son's life.

There is but one thing I desire more Raika…"

And at this, she drew out a key and un-cuffed my hands from the chains. I stared at her like a dunce.

"And that one thing is his suffering. You will lead you clan here eventually. My name is Akane. Remember it well."

And with that, I watched her leave, gaping at her like a fish out of water as she ascended the stairs.

Well then. I imagine there is a lot of layers going on behind the scenes. I know that I shall have much to say to Daddy dearest once I get out of this shit-hole, but firsts things first I suppose. I gotta get out of here so I can pay Urameshi, henceforth known as The Loser, back for getting me into this shit!

But first things first!

I scratched my nose.

Oh yeeeaaahhh.