Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with General Hospital.

A/N: Please note that this story is in no way an argument for whether or not abortion is right. I'm simply writing it as what, I would imagine goes on in someone's mind when they agonize over this decision.

To Choose Life

Chapter 1

I watched the time click by on the oversized wall clock. I placed my hand against my still flat stomach. Did I really want to do this? Did I want to end the life growing inside of me? I didn't know the answers and I figured I never would. I wondered how much I would regret what I was about to do. Perhaps I should wait and get more information. The longer I wait, the harder it will be. I can't think of this fetus as a baby. I have to picture it for what it is, a bundle of cells, with both mine and Dillon's DNA. Why do I keep picturing a tiny, healthy baby, then? Why do I keep imagining the infant whose life I'm about to extinguish?

"Lulu Spencer," a red haired nurse, called with disinterest. I wanted to ask her advice. Have her tell me what to do. For once I wanted a stranger's advice. I wanted someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing. I was tired of hearing that it was my decision to make. I didn't want to make this decision. I wasn't ready to make this decision. I was supposed to be deciding what courses to take at PCU, what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, not whether my child lives or dies.

"Lulu Spencer," the nurse called out again with irritation.

"I'm here," I called sadly, getting up from my seat. The other pregnant mothers stared at me. I couldn't escape their scrutiny. My hand rested against my abdomen, shielding my baby from what exactly, I didn't know.

"This way please," she said in a cold detached tone.

"Will this hurt?" I asked softly, suddenly frightened.

"You'll mostly feel pressure," she assured me gently, her voice warming up to me.

"Not me, the baby."

"How far along are you?" she asked me.

"Never mind, I don't want to know," I muttered aloud.

She nodded and her interest faded. "The doctor will be with you shortly," the nurse said absently. "Just put this on." She placed the paper gown into my hand and closed the door behind her.

I stared at my hands, suddenly picturing my child's blood being spilled across them. Could I live with my child's blood on my hands? Dillon's angry words reiterated in my mind. "You selfish bitch." He was right, I suddenly thought. Ending this life was for me. This realization caused my stomach to roll with nausea. The doctor knocked outside the door and then entered.

"Ms. Spencer, you have to put the gown on," the doctor said gently.

"I can't do this," I shouted, throwing the gown at the doctor and running past her.

As I emerged from the women's health clinic, the fresh air hit my face and I collapsed into a heap of sobs. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Georgie standing above me.

"Lulu," she said softly, empathy resonating in her voice. Why the hell was she always so empathetic? "Come on I'll take you home."

"Aren't you going to ask how it went?" I asked, as I sat down in the passenger's seat of her car.

"I didn't think it was any of my business," she said, keeping her eyes on the road.

I let what she said hang in air. I didn't feel like talking anymore. I was too tired.

"Lulu." I opened my eyes and stared at the Quartermaine mansion that loomed before me. "Do you want me to come in with you?"

I didn't answer. Instead I climbed out of the car and stumbled to the door. I pulled it open and my eyes immediately met Dillon's. The skin around his eyes was red and swollen, making it obvious that he had been crying.

I moved further into the room and noticed that Georgie was following me. I sat down on the couch and closed my eyes again, trying to contain the nausea that I felt. Dillon made his way toward me slowly.

"How do you feel?" he asked timidly.

I ignored him. I didn't want anyone to know that I was still pregnant. I was afraid to tell them and listen to them rejoice, that I was giving my life up.

"Lulu," he said softly. "Are you feeling okay?"

No, I wanted to scream at him. I do not feel okay. He reached out his hand and touched mine. I turned my head and looked at Georgie, who seemed to be equally as concerned.

"Leave me alone," I found myself uttering. "Please leave me alone." I pulled my hand from his and continued to act indifferent to everyone's concern.

"Give her some space, Dillon," I heard Georgie say from across the room.

I closed my eyes again and tried to relieve the headache that was burning in my head. Without warning, I started to cry. Not just whimper, I was sobbing. Before Dillon could grab my arm, I ran past them and upstairs to the safety of my bedroom.

As I reached my bed, I collapsed onto it and cried. I couldn't even explain why I was so upset. I hadn't killed my child, he/she was fine, still growing inside of me as if nothing ever happened.

"Lulu," Dillon called through the door. "Can I come in?"

"Leave me alone," I said mid sob. He opened the door anyway and I looked up at him in the door frame. He looked so attractive as he looked down at me. It just reminded me that he didn't love me and that made me cry harder. I rolled over so that I didn't have to look at him.

I felt the bed move under his weight as he sat down beside me. I was so humiliated for crying in front of him. I was supposed to be a Spencer. Then again my mother cracked.

His hand rested on my shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?" I almost laughed at the idiocy of that question. I wasn't aware I'd shown any intention of wanting to talk about it.

I jerked forward so that his hand fell away from my shoulder. "Don't pity me," I spat. "You don't love me, so leave me alone."

"I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I know what I said was cruel. I had no right to call you a bitch." I pictured when he'd called me a bitch before and it stung. "I was just mad okay? I didn't mean it. You're not a bitch. You're a good person Lulu, with a big heart."

I listened to him ramble as he tried to apologize. I ignored him however and tried to sleep.

"Want to eat something?" I heard him say moments later. Dillon was sure good at one-sided conversations. Maybe continuing to hear himself talk lessened the grief of losing his child.

"Can you go away?" I muttered, closing my eyes against my pounding headache.

"Not until you talk to me."

"What do you want Dillon? You want to expunge your guilt by trying to comfort the selfish bitch who killed your baby?" My anger caused him to flinch.

"No, I want to make sure you are okay because I care about you."

"Wow, you care about me. I feel so much better. Thank you Dillon, now I can get on with my life, as the selfish bitch you know and care about."

"I'm sorry I said that to you. I honestly didn't mean it."

"Yeah you did or you wouldn't have said it. I don't want to be your charity case, Dillon. Go away."

"No," he muttered, leaning back on my bed so that his head was on my pillow.

"Why?" I grumbled.

"I'm afraid to leave you alone," he admitted.

"That is the stupidest thing you've ever said. What are you afraid I'm going to kill myself?"

"No, I'm afraid you'll hate yourself."

"Too little, too late on that one Dillon."

"Lulu please just talk to me, like you used to."

"Nothing will ever be like it used to. Now go away."

"I'm not leaving."

"I'll call Alice and have you physically removed if you like."

"Go for it," he said with a cocky grin. His attitude made me angrier.

I grabbed my pillow and screamed into it. Then I got up from the bed and made my way to the window. I stared across the property, taking in the beauty of the Quartermaine estate. I turned back to see Dillon beside me. "Did it hurt?" he asked softly.

I looked at him and rolled my eyes. "As if you care," I said before shutting myself in the bathroom.

"Lulu come on," he said banging on the door. Why hadn't I thought of this sooner? I felt so much better, now that he couldn't touch me. Each time his skin made contact with mine, I pictured the nights we spent together and then I remembered him saying he loved Georgie and I felt physically ill.

"Lulu open the door."

"No."

"Fine I'll be on the other side. When you choose to leave, you'll have to crawl over me."

I closed my eyes and laid down on the cool hard floor. Finally succumbing to my exhaustion.

XXXXX

I awoke with an extremely sore shoulder. My head hurt from resting it on the hard floor. Worst of all was the nausea. Morning sickness here I come. I crawled to the toilet and let my stomach contents fill the basin. Then I flushed it and washed my face.

I opened the door and found Dillon asleep on the floor. I did nothing to stop him from falling backwards and hitting his head. He looked up at me as I attempted to step over him. "Where are you going?" he asked, as he sat up and rubbed his head.

"To eat," I said, as if he was an idiot.

He stood up and followed me downstairs and into the kitchen. Alan was reading the morning paper and didn't respond when we entered the room. Ned however, looked me over and then Dillon. "How are you feeling?" he asked me gently.

"Fine, thank you," I muttered. If one more person asked me that question, I was going to snap.

I grabbed an apple from the table and carried it into the other room. Dillon was still set on following me. He was starting to remind me of an annoying dog. "What Dillon?" I snapped, as we entered the living room.

"There's something you're not telling me."

I exhaled loudly. "What are you talking about?"

"You're hiding something from me."

"We're paranoid this morning, aren't we?"

"No, just observant."

"What do we want me to say, that I didn't have the abortion? That I'm still pregnant with your child?"

"Well did you?"

I couldn't meet his gaze. "What do you think?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking."

"No, okay? I didn't have the abortion. I'm still pregnant. I'm going to ruin my life. Is that what you want?"

"What I want is for our child to live."

"Well you got your wish Quartermaine. I couldn't be that selfish bitch. Congratulations Dillon, you're going to be a father."

He hugged me tightly and then jumped up. "Thank you Lulu."

I pulled away. "Will you leave me alone now?"

"Yes, I'll leave you alone."

I dropped onto the couch and suddenly didn't feel up to eating my apple. I set it on a plate and moved toward the window.

"Is it true?" Emily exclaimed as she ran into the room.

"Is what true?" I asked with a sigh.

"That you're having a baby?"

"For now."

"Is this what you want?"

"No. Not really. In fact not at all but I didn't want to be a selfish bitch who killed my child."

"You need to do what's right for you, not Dillon."

"It's not just Dillon. I know that if I went through with it, that I would regret it for the rest of my life."

"There's always adoption?"

"Assuming Dillon would give up his parental rights. No, I don't really want Georgie raising my child," I said as I dropped back onto the couch.

Emily sat down beside me. "You want to get out for a couple of hours?"

"What do you have in mind?"

"Breakfast? Shopping? Getting away from here?"

"That sounds lovely, thank you," I said, with a smile. I wished that she was still married to my brother. "Let me just shower."

"I'll be down here when you're ready."

I nodded and then went upstairs, thankful that I could escape this house for a little while. I wished forever.

When I emerged from the shower, Dillon was waiting on my bed. "It's starting to feel like you're stalking me."

"Did you eat something?"

"No, I've decided to become anorexic for the baby's sake. Please don't start with this shit."

"Lulu, you need to eat."

"Emily and I are going out for breakfast so I can escape you and your insane family."

"I want you to know that I do care about you. Not just because you are carrying our child but because you mean a lot to me."

I sighed again. "I don't care," I admitted. "I don't want to just mean a lot to you. For once, I want someone to love me and who will now? Now that I am going to be a single mother, who is going to ever love me?"

I watched my admission register on Dillon's face. He struggled to find something to say. "I'll marry you."

"But you don't love me. I don't want you to resent me, or our child, because you gave up everything with Georgie. Besides every time I'd look at you, I would know that our marriage was based on a lie. My lies and deception that ended up in the conception of our child."

"I'm sorry," he said, as he slipped silently from the room. I fell onto the bed and sobbed after he left. I knew he really didn't love me but each time it was reinforced in his behaviour and actions, made it hurt more.

XXXXX

I came downstairs and found Emily reading a magazine. "Ready to go?" I asked, wanting to escape this house as soon as possible.

"Of course," she said with a grin.

I followed her out to the car and climbed into the passenger's seat.

"How are you feeling this morning?"

"Tired," I answered. I didn't want to tell her that I really felt heartbroken, alone and abandoned.

We reached Kelly's and went inside. To my luck, Georgie would be serving us. "What can I get you guys?" she asked cheerfully.

"Orange juice and a carrot muffin please," I said gently.

Emily gave her order and then turned her attention to me. "What do you want to do today?"

Was a crawl into a hole an option? "I don't know," I admitted.

"I need a new pair of shoes for the hospital," she said. "So how about the mall?"

"That sounds fine," I responded gently.

The bell over the door jangled and I looked to see Dillon enter the building. I hoped he wouldn't talk to me. I watched Georgie's face lighten up when she saw him. I felt like I was going to be sick. I watched Dillon sit at a vacant table and wait for Georgie to serve him. She went over to his table and started talking to him. I turned my attention to Emily hoping she would distract me from having my heart shatter once more.

Emily started talking about something that had happened at the hospital. I pretended to listen, anything to keep from seeing Dillon prove once more that he didn't love me.

I looked up a few minutes later to see Georgie bringing over our drinks. "I hear congratulations is in order," Georgies muttered angrily.

I looked to where Dillon had been sitting and realized he'd left. I wondered what he'd said to make her so mad. "Thanks," I said as she set my orange juice in front of me.

Emily waited until Georgie had walked away, then she eyed me suspiciously. "Are you and Dillon getting back together?"

"Not that I'm aware of," I said, placing my hand against my stomach.

After our breakfast Emily and I went to the mall. She talked my ear off the whole time she picked out shoes. I was thankful to listen to her talk. It kept me from having to deal with my own problems.