Kurimasu
A JiraOro Christmas fic, because the pairing needs more love.
It's only ten more days until Christmas, so I thought that I should get this out quickly.
Disclaimer: Nope. Sorry.
"What the fuck is this?"
Orochimaru sighed as he adjusted the book in his white-haired teammate's hands. Jiraiya clutched at it, squinting his brown eyes as he tried to read the unfamiliar text.
"The hell?" He growled once more.
"Language Jiraiya." Orochimaru said as he cleaned up Jiraiya's one-room apartment. He didn't know why, but somehow he always ended up cleaning up after his taller teammate. It might have been his initial disgust of anything too filthy, or the fact that Jiraiya living in such a way disturbed him. It didn't matter; he was doing it anyway now.
"Don't damn 'language' me! What the fuck is this?" Jiraiya snapped as he tried to turn the page in the book, but failed pathetically. He cursed again as the book slipped from his hands. Orochimaru rolled his eyes.
"It's called a 'book'. Now read up, you need to know this for the mission." Orochimaru instructed as Jiraiya lifted the book over his head.
"But-" Jiraiya started, yet was cut off immediately by his friend.
"No buts, just read." Orochimaru commanded. Jiraiya looked down, the book falling from his hands and he folded them in his lap. Orochimaru's eyes widened as realization overcame him.
"You don't know how to read?" The black-haired teen said, shocked. Jiraiya's head snapped up as he held his hands up in defense.
"Of course I know how to read! I just can't read… Well…that." Jiraiya said, pointing at the book on the ground. Orochimaru picked up the book and flipped through the pages. He didn't see anything too hard about reading a book, but he guessed when you live off scrolls for all your life, it is pretty difficult.
"Stupid, I can show you how to read a book." Orochimaru said, making Jiraiya stop in his sprawling on the large chair. The white-haired teen looked at him from his upside-down position, his short-hair falling down.
"Why? I don't know why this mission is so important anyway." Jiraiya said, scoffing. Orochimaru snapped the book closed and walked to the bored teen. Pressing his fingers to the underside of Jiraiya's jaw, he applied an extra boost of chakra to cause Jiraiya to fall off the chair. Jiraiya grasped at his neck as he coughed spastically.
"D-damn you! Warn s-s-someone next t-t-time (cough)!" He growled weakly. Orochimaru ignored him for the dirty clothes next to his bed.
"Do you ever clean up?" Orochimaru asked as he lifted up a tank-top with an odd smell. Jiraiya stuck his tongue out and opted to read the book.
"Hey, what does this word say?" Jiraiya asked, pointing at the word in the book. Orochimaru walked up to him and took the book.
"Christmas?" He inquired. Jiraiya shrugged.
"I guess that's what it said. What does it mean?" Orochimaru opened the book to the next page.
"Christmas is a widely known holiday in several countries. It is based off the religious story of Jesus Christ's birth and is signified by peace and gift-giving. Over time, the holiday became represented by a fictional character by the name of 'Kris Kringle', also known as 'Saint Nick' or the popular 'Santa Claus'. Santa Claus is made to deliver gifts and toys to those deserving and usually coal to those of naught. Santa Claus is usually believed by those between the ages of 3 to 12, and likely to be past that." Orochimaru explained. Jiraiya scratched his chin.
"So, what does this Kurimasu gotta do with the mission?" Jiraiya asked. Orochimaru flipped through the pages in the book.
"The correct pronunciation is 'Christmas' and the holiday is celebrated on December 25, yearly. What month is this?" Orochimaru countered. Jiraiya rolled his eyes.
"It's December, duh. But what do we have to do with this Kurimasu?" Jiraiya asked again, annoyed. Orochimaru snapped the book shut again and threw it with deadly precision towards the scroll wall, where it landed right between his teammate's B and C-level scrolls. Jiraiya didn't even blink an eye, it happened all the time. Orochimaru opened his bag that he brought every time he went to his teammate's apartment (it was filled with food and cleaning supplies, because the tall doofus can't take care of himself). Pulling out another book, he flipped to a certain page.
"Do you see this man?" Orochimaru asked, showing Jiraiya the picture of a large plump man with snow-white hair and a happy exterior. The white-haired teen felt something familiar when he saw the picture, but brushed it off quickly.
"Yeah, I see him. What's up, then?" He asked. Orochimaru rolled his golden-eyes and sneered.
"Now look at the scroll that states the mission and its operatives." He commanded. Jiraiya got the scroll that was next to his chair and unrolled it.
"Lessee, memorize the origin of 'Kurimasu' and use reference picture to assume the position of 'Santa Clausu' and 'Mrs. Clausu'… Position selves at Konoha Center to… Yuki no Kuni… " Jiraiya read. Orochimaru continued his cleaning of the dump as realization hit Jiraiya.
"Whoa, we gotta dress up like this Santa Clausu and his woman?" Jiraiya asked, feeling slightly weird. Orochimaru nodded, picking up a pair of training pants warily. Jiraiya then cocked an eyebrow in wonder.
"So, I know that I'm going to be Santa Clausu, so then who'll be Mrs. Clausu?" Jiraiya wondered aloud. Orochimaru stiffened before throwing more dirty clothes into the basket by the door.
"Is it going to be Tsunade?" Jiraiya asked. Orochimaru shook his head.
"You forget, she's on another mission, a solo one, across the country, and very far away." Orochimaru stated. Jiraiya scrunched up his nose in way that was admittedly cute to the black-haired teen.
"Then, Sarutobi-sensei?" Both teenagers shuddered in horror at the simple thought of their teacher in drag. Jiraiya only had one left now.
"Wait, you're Mrs. Clausu?!" Jiraiya exclaimed. Orochimaru sighed tiredly as Jiraiya border-lined 'spastic' on his chair, bouncing around.
"If you're Mrs. Clausu then you're my wife, and if you're my wife then that means that I'm gay and if I'm gay then I'll never get a girlfriend and then I'd be shunned forever and I'll die a viiiiiirgin!!!!" Jiraiya wailed. Orochimaru threw a wooden sandal at the spazzing teen and was pleased as Jiraiya caught it without looking. It seemed his shinobi skills were not lacking.
"Jiraiya, we must complete this mission. You and I both realize this little 'problem' with me being forced into a horribly tacky dress and you'll have to put on a lot of make-up. If we don't complete this mission, then Sarutobi-sensei will not be pleased." Orochimaru said. Jiraiya sighed in frustration and forced himself to smile lopsidedly at his teammate.
"So, when's the mission?" Jiraiya asked. Orochimaru blinked at him.
"In four hours. Didn't you read the scroll?" The white-haired teen went back into panicking mode as he rushed to his partner.
"What is the hell?! Why the hell are you cleaning up crap? We should be getting ready!" Jiraiya shouted as he ran into his bathroom. Orochimaru was unfazed as he continued cleaning.
"Well, at least he admits its crap."
"Um, why are you powdering my face?"
"It is necessary for you to keep up the guise of Santa Claus; therefore the marks across your cheeks must be hidden."
Jiraiya just scowled as Orochimaru put the make-up on his face and he poked the red outfit he was wearing. Trust the black-haired bastard to have everything ready for the mission. Orochimaru poked his cheek with the brush once more before backing away, looking at Jiraiya with a slight glimmer of pride.
"Get the rest of your outfit on; we need to be going soon." Orochimaru commanded as he moved out of the living room/bedroom and went into the bathroom to change. Jiraiya grunted as he tied on the beard and fitted on the cap. Slipping on the jacket, he waited patiently for Orochimaru to come out the bathroom. After five to seven minutes, the door squeaked open and Jiraiya snapped his head to see Orochimaru come out slowly, a scowl like none other etched on his face as he adjusted the red vest with the long red skirt to accompany it. Too bad he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt under the vest.
"…Whoa…" Jiraiya could only say that much, for it seems that Orochimaru makes a damned hot girl. Grinning cheerfully, he held out his arm and winked.
"Are you ready, Mrs. Clausu?" Jiraiya asked, amused. Orochimaru rolled his eyes as he hopped out the window, long skirt following him. Jiraiya jumped out as well, and they made their way to the mission site.
"I gotta do WHAT?!" Jiraiya bellowed. The owner of the large store that was quite popular in the village scratched the back of his head nervously.
"Sorry, I thought I explained this in the objectives to the Hokage…" He said. Orochimaru pushed the fuming Jiraiya away.
"You did sir; please ignore my hotheaded companion for the moment. He didn't actually take time to read the mission…" Orochimaru answered, throwing a dirty look at the pseudo-Santa. The owner blinked at the young woman that was speaking to him. She was pretty as hell, but the deep voice kind of put him off.
"Yes, miss. Of course, now follow me please. We must get you two to the area at once!" He said hurriedly, scuffling inside the large building. Orochimaru almost twitched as soon as he heard 'Miss'. Jiraiya glared at everything in sight as he followed his shorter companion. They came upon a large space that was occupied by a large chair. The owner pushed Jiraiya into the chair, making him yelp in surprise as he toppled over the arm and landed face-first on the ground. Orochimaru covered his face with his hand as he went to retrieve the doofus.
"Jiraiya, you have to act like Santa Claus, remember? I doubt someone a conspicuous as he is believed to be would fall off a chair." Orochimaru whispered. Jiraiya scowled and stood up, dusting himself off.
"What the hell does Santa Clausu act like?" He snapped. Orochimaru looked pensive.
"He's jolly, happy, smiles a lot, kind, responsible, and laughs like 'Ho ho ho!'." Orochimaru explained. Jiraiya crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. The golden-eyed teen smirked as he looked over Jiraiya once more.
"Of course, you would have problems with this, seeing as how you're hot-headed, grouchy, scowling all the time, rude, I clean up after you in your own house, and you have a nice, deep laugh." Orochimaru sniped. Jiraiya was rubbing his nose, which was itching due to the beard, and stopped when he heard the comment about his laugh.
"You like my laugh?" Jiraiya asked, shocked. Orochimaru blinked before attempting to play it off.
"Who doesn't like it?" He said and then walked away. Jiraiya was left there, looking quite stupid, and then the owner shouted loudly.
"The families from Yuki no Kuni have arrived! Everyone get into positions!" Jiraiya was quickly grabbed from his spot and pushed into the chair. After ensuring that Jiraiya was secured and not going to fall off anytime soon, the doors opened and many small children, along with their parents, poured in, going straight for Jiraiya.
'OhgodOhgodOhgodOhgod…' Jiraiya panicked in his head, letting out a breath of relief as Orochimaru stood in front of him and stopped the children.
"Don't you think you should wait until Santa gets situated? I mean, he came all the way to another country just for you kids!" Orochimaru said, putting his hands on his hips and inwardly groaning at the many blows his masculine pride was taking. Jiraiya, on the other hand, was inwardly laughing his ass off.
"Are you Mrs. Claus? Cuz' that'd be so cool!" A little boy asked. Orochimaru turned to the boy and winked.
"Of course I'm Mrs. Claus!" He exclaimed, narrowing his eyes at Jiraiya, who was desperately holding in his laugh.
"Wooooow! You're so pretty!" Another child, a girl this time, said. Jiraiya couldn't take it anymore and a small snicker escaped his lips. Orochimaru smirked and then crossed his arms towards the children.
"Alright, get into a line! You do want to see Santa Claus right?" Orochimaru asked with a sly undertone. Al the children scurried into a slightly out of order line, but that was okay.
'Children are so manipulative…' Orochimaru thought, making a note to explore this theorem later in life. Much later.
"Okay, that's Santa Claus, but be careful… He had to learn a new language really quickly and can't say certain things correctly anymore, like his name…" Orochimaru said in a whispering fashion. Jiraiya just straightened up as a boy came up to him.
"Whaddaya want?" He asked, gruffer than he meant. The boy looked wide-eyed before Jiraiya quickly covered up his mistake.
"I mean, how are you today? I'm sorry; I just don't feel so good…" Jiraiya said sheepishly. The boy grinned and hopped on Jiraiya's lap, making the teen jump slightly. Jiraiya patted the boy's head and leaned back in the chair.
"What would you like for Kurimasu?" Jiraiya asked. Orochimaru smacked his forehead, dragging the hand down in a show of annoyance.
"Don't you mean Christmas?" The boy asked curiously. Jiraiya looked up at Orochimaru in need of help, and the black-haired teen nodded his head at him.
"Yes I did! This new language thing has really taken its toll on me!" Jiraiya replied quickly, faking a laugh at the end. The little boy smiled again and made himself more comfortable on the Pseudo-Santa's lap.
"I've been really good! So, I really, really want some kunai! The real ones, not the dull-edge ones I got for my birthday!" He said excitedly. Jiraiya nodded and smiled, thinking about the child's request.
'Oh yeah, I'd pay good money to see the kid accidentally stab himself with one of those 'real kunai', that'd be hilarious…' He chuckled and saw a small girl come up to him and climb onto his lap.
"Why hello there! How are you?" Jiraiya greeted. The girl narrowed her eyes and examined the teen coldly.
"Yes, hello 'Santa'." She muttered sarcastically. Jiraiya rolled his eyes and leaned closer to the girl.
"Is there anything in particular that you want, little girl?" Jiraiya asked. The girl scoffed.
"You fake; I was so onto you as soon as I saw your lack of fat! Santa isn't fit!" She grumbled and Jiraiya's eyebrow twitched. He rested his head on his fist and eyed the girl with annoyance.
"Alright kid, you got me. I'm guilty as charged. Now what do you want?" He whispered. The girl grinned and whispered in his ear what she desired. His eyes widened comically as she pulled away.
"Are you kiddin' me? I can't do that!" Jiraiya growled so only she could hear it. The girl smirked and pointed at all the eager little children in line.
"Those are all kids who're excited to see 'Santa'. Imagine what their reaction would be if they discover how real 'Santa' is…" She whispered. Jiraiya twitched and sighed.
"Alright kid, consider it done. I'm sure the next time you see me, I'll have a big red slap mark on my face, though." Jiraiya said. She grinned and hopped off his lap. Jiraiya scratched his head and the next kid came up.
"…And that's all!" The last kid said and Jiraiya patted his head.
"Thank you, and have a very merry holiday!" He said and the kid scurried to his mother. Watching them move away, Jiraiya had to try something.
"Hey kids, before you leave, I've got to ask you something!" Jiraiya called out. Orochimaru looked at him incredulously, and Jiraiya just waggled his eyebrows in an amused way. The kids all hurried around him, the conniving girl from before standing to the side and smirking.
"All right, I've been trying to get a new image, but I've got no idea what is the better deal for the laugh! As you can see, I got really fit so I can get down, uh, those, um…" Jiraiya looked confused and turned to Orochimaru, who mouthed a word.
"Yeah, chimneys! I can get down those chimneys waaaaay easier now! But, the laugh is still a problem! I have two ideas, but I don't know which one is better… Can you help Santa out?" Jiraiya asked. The kids all yelled out 'Yeah!' and Jiraiya grinned.
"Okay, there's this one: Ho ho ho!" Jiraiya laughed. The kids looked thoughtful before turning to each other and discussing the actual laugh.
"What's the next one?" A little boy called out. Jiraiya's brown eyes slit as he grinned wolfishly.
"I'm glad you asked!" And he laughed a deep, rich sound. It rang in the ears of all who were watching, and the little girl smirked even more. Orochimaru blinked as Jiraiya winked at him and grinned with the tip of his tongue sticking out.
"And now, Mrs. Clausu needs some Kurimasu joy as well!" Jiraiya announced before grabbing Orochimaru's arm and pulling him towards him with one quick tug. Being strong had a lot of perks. And as soon as Orochimaru was close enough, Jiraiya pressed his lips to his shocked teammates. The golden-eyed teen was unable to think until two things finally hit him:
One, he was kissing Jiraiya.
Two, Jiraiya was kissing him.
Orochimaru responded to the kiss and put his arms around Jiraiya's neck. And all the kids said 'Aww' in synchronization. Although, the boy that sat on Jiraiya's lap first was slightly more perceptive than he'd like.
"Y'know, it's almost like they've never kissed before…" He mumbled to the kid next to him. Jiraiya broke the kiss, due to the requirement of air and to stare at the kid-that-notices-too-much-crap.
"Um, well, you see…" Jiraiya stuttered as Orochimaru coughed into his fist. The conniving girl laughed and patted the boy on the head.
"Don't worry, Santa's a virgin." She said, winking at Jiraiya, who sputtered indignantly.
"Hey! I am-"
"-so a virgin." She said, cutting him off. Jiraiya shook his head and turned to the rest of the kids.
"So, which of the laughs do you like better?" He asked. The kids all had a small conference again before turning back to the Pseudo-Santa.
"The second one!"
"That one was cooler!"
"It sounded waaay better than the other one!"
Orochimaru smirked and crossed his arms.
"As I said, who doesn't like it?" He said. Jiraiya just shook his head in amusement before addressing the kids for the final time.
"Alright kids! Thanks for your help, now get along to your folks, I'm sure they wanna see you!" Jiraiya exclaimed. All the kids got up and went to their parents. Except for the girl, who walked up to Jiraiya and winked at him.
"I don't see a big red slap mark anywhere…" She said. Jiraiya rolled his eyes and nodded at the kid.
"Yeah, yeah. I know. What's your name by the way?" Jiraiya asked. She smiled and crossed her arms.
"I'm Anko!" She said. Jiraiya laughed and ruffled her hair.
"Alright then, see you around Anko."
"Oh, you will. I'm from Konoha, not Yuki no Kuni."
"…"
And for the first time in his life, the usually loud and hot-tempered ninja was speechless.
"Anything happened with you and the child?" Orochimaru asked as he continued where he left off in cleaning Jiraiya's home. The white-haired teen scrunched up his nose thinking about it.
"Yeah, her name's Anko." He said. Orochimaru cocked an eyebrow.
"Really?"
"Uh huh, and she's gonna make a bitchin' kunoichi…!"
"Language Jiraiya."
"Don't 'language' me! So, uh, do you celebrate Kurimasu?" Jiraiya asked, changing the subject. Orochimaru stared in question.
"Slightly, but it is usually not rendered possible as I have no one to celebrate the holiday with." Orochimaru answered in a monotone. Jiraiya scratched the back of his head and racked his brain for a way to prose the question.
"Look, uh, I don't really know what a Kurimasu is, kinda, and you seem to know more about it than me, so, um, would you…?" Jiraiya mentally stabbed himself with thirteen shuriken, three kunai, and a windmill shuriken for good measure. He hated how he was talking right about now.
"You want me to spend Christmas with you? Is that what you were saying?" Jiraiya nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat and he sprawled on his chair a bit more. Closing his eyes, he waited for the 'I'm Antisocial and I'm Lovin' It' Orochimaru to reject him in several different languages, manners, fashions, and ways.
He didn't expect the soft press of lips upon his though.
"Yes I will, Stupid. I don't know how you'd survive if I weren't there to show you how to live." Orochimaru sniped. Jiraiya smirked and adjusted his body so that he was sitting up instead.
"Of course Mr. Clausu."
"…" All he got was another kiss.
END
I. Am. So. Damned. Gay.
God, what was I thinking?
Oh yeah, now I remember…
'I think I'll write that JiraOro Christmas fic Ahou-sama said I should… But damnit, why won't these brats stop touching my hair?!'
Please refrain from hating and/or killing me (maiming included).
Have a Merry Christmas.