This fic is an experiment and a collaboration between misaoshiru, Jupe-san, PunchBuggy, and SiriusFan13. It is also pure crack. All of the above are fanfiction writers who can be found on this site under the above pen names.
This particular entry was supposed to be posted yesterday, but complications arose and were (eventually) dealt with. Sorry 'bout that, folks. As a result, we're running a little behind, but with a little luck, that will be fixed by the time we reach the end.
As a whole, this fic is rated T. Entries will be individually rated for content, but none shall exceed T. Mainly, the reason for the rating is that misaoshiru may well be incapable of writing three crackfics without at least mild swearing and innuendo.
Onward!
Disclaimer: Pythagorean Guardian Angle, and all parties thereof, does not own Rurouni Kenshin. RK is owned by Nobuhiro Watsuki and various corporations, and we hold no part in any of the above. Used without permission, but not for profit.
Warnings: Very little, actually. General inanity. One moment of...slightly sexual language. Probably would qualify for a K-plus rating.
The Amazing Doomfulness of Doom…Or Something
by misaoshiru
It was a cool winter morning in the Region Formerly Known As Aizu (which shall henceforth be called simply RFKAA.) It had not snowed the previous night, but the rooftops had collected a thin layer of frost. Megumi pulled her coat more tightly around herself as she went to check the mail. Surprisingly enough, she had received a large crate with no return address and an envelope attached to the front. As she removed the letter, Megumi heard the crate squawk. She groaned; this had Tori Atama written all over it.
Megumi opened the envelope with care and stared at the paper within. It was written on in Sanosuke's chicken scratch. (No pun intended. Honest!)
((Someone whacks misaoshiru over the head with a mallet. This happens quite often. You'll get used to it.))
Spots from various unknown foodstuffs practically coated the whole letter, and it absolutely reeked of alcohol. Even so, it was somehow legible enough for Megumi to decipher.
"Hey, Fox," the letter read. Megumi could practically hear his slur. "I'm writing you from, uh, somewhere in northern Europe. Lithuania, Yugoslavia, Atlantis…I can never keep them all straight. I AM NOT LOST!
"Anyway, I won this thing gambling, and I thought you'd like it. Maybe you could cook it or something. See you whenever.
"—Sagara Sanosuke."
Megumi smiled, despite herself. The crate squawked. "Shut up."
It took Megumi, the head doctor, twelve clinicians calling, eleven patients moaning, ten parsons praying, nine ladies dyeing (their hair, that is,) eight men dismantling, seven soldiers stabbing, six geezers complaining, five golden wrenches, four crawling babies, three French whores, two tavern dudes, and a partridge in a pear tree to get the crate open. When the walls fell open, the group let out a unanimous, "OMG kawaii!" like a bunch of American fangirls whose Japanese was limited to that word and "baka."
In Tokyo, at the Kamiya dojo, it was a calm winter morning, a bit chilly but not too cold. The moment Megumi's pet stepped onto the path, though, a pouring rain began to fell. Megumi was unperturbed, however, leading it to the gate and knocking as if nothing at all was unusual.
The gate cracked open a little. "Me—Megumi-san," Kaoru said, eyes widened. "I didn't know you'd be visiting."
"I wasn't planning to," Megumi noted. "I just wanted to show you what Sanosuke sent me."
"Couldn't you have taken a picture of it and sent it to us?"
"Nope, afraid not. Plot development and all. Sorry if I'm intruding."
"No, it's fine. What is that thing, anyway?"
"I believe it's called a penguin. I named it Kawaii, because everyone knows fanfiction writers know hardly any Japanese."
"Well, it certainly is cute. Come inside, out of the rain."
Oddly enough, during Megumi's weeklong visit to Tokyo, she spent hardly any time at the dojo. Where she went isn't important. What is important is what happened while she was gone.
When Kawaii was around, things seemed to go…missing. And Kenshin swore he was being followed, in his own home! That was when the attacks began.
It was an otherwise uninteresting morning. Kenshin had gone to the market for tofu and other various groceries, as he often does. Suddenly, because these things rarely happen gradually, a cry came out: "Get him!" And, just to keep this from becoming overly predictable, Kenshin is dogpiled (penguinpiled?) by about ten to twenty Penguin Mafiosi.
"Oro…"
"Oy, fat Larry, get your tail out of my face!"
"I will if Fibonacci will get his beak out of my arm…er, wingpit."
Kaoru was attempting to cook on the third day. This was dangerous enough as it was, but when Kawaii entered, hiding a bottle of Muy Caliente brand hot sauce, trouble was a-brewing.
"Oh, cutie," she said, walking towards it and picking it up, setting the penguin on the counter. "Want to help me cook?"
Kawaii would have grinned if it was possible for a penguin to grin. This was just too easy.
On the fourth day, Yahiko was practicing his kendo. Kawaii watched patiently, awaiting the opportunity for "havoc, chaos, and insanity, oh my!" that was sure to present itself. And present itself it did. Yahiko set down his shinai for only a few minutes, going to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Seizing the opportunity, Kawaii picked up the shinai and filled it with heavy sands. Too easy.
During the morning of the fifth day, Kawaii just happened to find a coupon for a free two-day visit to a hot spring. Kenshin, Kaoru, and Yahiko were all too happy to leave the "innocent" penguin in order to spend the time relaxing in nature's spa. Can you say, "Twenty-four hour party?" I thought you could.
The dojo's residents came home to find the place trashed, smelling of booze, and Kawaii wearing a lampshade over his head. Oh, it was so on now.
"Where's Kawaii?"
"Torture chamber."
"…Kaoru, what are you talking about?"
"…Did I say torture chamber? I meant closet."
"Why is my pet penguin in the closet?"
"Because he's evil!"
"He is not evil!"
"Megumi, he tried to kill Kenshin, made my food taste awful-"
"Doesn't take a penguin to do that."
"Shut up, Yahiko. Anyway, he sabotaged Yahiko's shinai and threw a wild house party without even inviting us!"
"…He's just misunderstood."
"Right. And now I suppose you'll tell me that a fat guy flies around the entire world in one night, going down chimneys and giving gifts to good little girls and boys?"
"Kawaii and I are leaving. We'll find more tolerant company. Thank you for your hospitality, Tanuki."
"Kitsune…!"
As Megumi and her pet penguin left, Kaoru and the others swore that the penguin was smirking at them.
End