A/N: Fluffy, happy (spiteful) J/H Christmas piece with a (hopefully slightly original, but in no way scary) twist. I watched the first episode of season 8, and I shut it off the moment Sam walked in the door. So be warned that the season 8 timeline contained within is entirely of my own creation, as is Sam's pathetically bitchy character (but I know I'm not the only fanfic author guilty of living in my fantasies as far as J/H or E/D or J/F or WHOEVER go). This is set at a kind of imaginary point in Hyde and Sam's relationship (their first Christmas together, 1979), which is pretty obvious right away, I think. Do not be put out by the presence of everyone's least favorite stripper, even if she seems a little teeny bit sympathetic, because I swear on a naked Hyde that this has a happy ending.. Please enjoy. :)
It's A Wonderful Life?
"Because! Everyone's buying presents and crap, and I have to work!" Hyde yelled at his blonde wife as she slouched on the ratty basement couch, looking around at the empty room.
"Asshole!" she screamed after him as he stomped back to their bedroom. Sam sighed pathetically as Hyde slammed the door loudly behind him and effectively ended their fight. As she curled into herself, Sam found herself irritated at how difficult her husband had become since the first happy month of their marriage. He had grown distant and irritable since Kelso had left, closed off even more when Donna took off for Madison to go to college, and seemed to have a stick permanently wedged up his ass ever since Jackie, his former snot-nosed girlfriend, had hooked up with the perverted foreigner. The worst part about it was that if she ever dared to bring it up, he snapped her head off and stormed away, never allowing the conversation to go on for long. His 'hating Jackie' routine had fooled her for a while, but now the feelings that he had crushed down but never forgotten were becoming too glaringly obvious for even Sam to ignore.
At one time, she would have easily walked away from Hyde, but they had been married for several months now, and she wasn't about to give up her claim on her husband. The way he always seemed to watch Jackie, his eyes clouded with hurt and lust, was enough to make Sam's blood boil with jealousy and a driving need to keep her hold on the hot, scruffy badass she had married.
Pulling herself up from the basement couch, Sam stretched out before walking back to the bedroom and pushing the door open. Hyde was stretched out on his bed gazing up at a framed 8x10 picture that she couldn't see. She could make out his gorgeous blue eyes behind his typical shades. They were soft—filled with an emotion she wasn't sure she'd ever seen. When he finally noticed her tube top clad form, he rolled his eyes slightly to let her know how stupid she was for wearing a tube top in December before his gaze hardened to his usual cold stare.
"I'm not arguing about this anymore," he grunted, carefully tucking the picture under the bed before sitting up and looking back at her. Sam smiled softly as she sauntered towards him, winking sexily and hoping to lure him in with the promise of something good to come.
"Come on, baby," she whispered as she lowered herself into his lap, laying a soft kiss over his lips. "You know you want me." Sam began to grind against him, giving him the very lap dance that had made him marry her, barely noticing how unaffected he was.
"I don't want this," he told her quietly as he pushed her aside, lowering his head into his hands as they sat next to each other awkwardly.
Sam's hurt at rejection instantly blossomed into anger as she stared at her husband. "You never even want to touch me anymore!" she fumed, kicking her foot against the ground. "This isn't a marriage!" Hyde just shrugged his shoulders in response, not offering any sort of argument. "So, what, then, do you want a divorce?" Her voice quivered on the last word, and she tried to place why 'divorce' seemed like such a horrible thing. Hyde was an asshole hung up on his ex-girlfriend anyways, and it's not as though she could claim she 'loved' him. But…
"Sam," he sighed her name in defeat. "It's too late anyways," he muttered under his breath as he stood up from his cot and pulled his jacket on. "I have to go to work," he informed her as he sulked out the door.
"But it's Christmas Eve!" she called behind him before collapsing backwards on the bed at the sound of the basement door slamming. It was bullshit and she knew it…no one was out buying records after nine o'clock on the night before Christmas. He just didn't want to be around her. The thought made her a little sad, but more than that, it made her furious. Reaching under the bed, Sam pulled out the picture that Hyde had just hidden, and was greeted with the smiling face of Jackie Burkhart. The brunette girl's innocent face and wide eyes made her irrationally angry, and with one final glare at it, Sam threw the picture across the room, smirking in satisfaction as the glass splintered into tiny shards. God, that fucking little girl had Hyde wrapped around her finger and she didn't even fucking know it. Every day, Sam had to live with the knowledge that she was the second choice, the back up plan, the 'why the hell not' option for her husband. Why had she stayed with him at all? Why did the knowledge that he would be happier without her just make her want to stay more?
Still filled with consuming anger, Sam rose from the bed and threw on her coat as she stomped towards her powder blue Trans Am. She drove at high speeds down the dark icy roads towards the water tower with only one thought on her mind: She was going to get Hyde's attention or die trying. One way or another, she was going to make sure that he felt like the asshole he was.
Slamming her foot on the brake and ripping up the frosted grass, Sam brought her car to a screeching halt just ten feet away from the base of the water tower. She shivered in her fur coat, wishing that she had thought to put on some warmer clothes beneath it. After pushing all thoughts of the icy wind to the back of her mind, Sam began to climb the water tower, wondering if she was actually considering suicide. When she got to the top, she sat down, ignoring the biting cold, and put her head in her hands.
She had made a mistake by staying with Hyde… Even if he had agreed to it, she should have been able to read the situation better. Was she really so desperate that it had seemed like a good idea, she wondered. God, sometimes she just felt so damn pathetic. A jobless stripper hanging onto a husband that had never loved her, happy to settle for second best. Yeah, that was pretty pathetic. She didn't really want to jump, but…
"I wish I had never been born," Sam screamed out from the top of the tower, as she shivered against a sudden flurry of snow.
"Ah, Samantha, uh…the stripper," a pleasing baritone voice rang out behind her.
"Who the fuck are you?" she screeched as she took in the overweight man with brown hair and a goatee who was suddenly standing next to her.
"I'm your guardian angel, sent here to show you what the world would be like if you had never been born," he told her, smiling benevolently down at her.
"There's no such thing as an angel," Sam shook her head, "and besides, wouldn't you have a halo and harp and stuff?"
"Is it so much to ask for that just one damn person would have a little blind faith?" the angel muttered to himself as he spread his arms and began to float in the air above the tower, his halo glowing above his head as he strummed on his harp.
Sam watched the chubby, floating man quietly, wondering if she had indulged in a little too much of Hyde's stash, but quickly put that thought aside as giant wings sprouted from her guardian angel's back.
His voice grew more melodic as he spoke. "Samantha, come with me, and I shall show you what the world would have been like if you had never been born. Surely you will see that the world is better because you have lived in it." Rolling her eyes, Sam decided she might as well take his hand and see whatever wanted to show her. It's not as though her life could get much worse.
Using his free hand, the angel snapped his fingers, transporting them to an old house that Sam instantly recognized: She had lived there with her single mother for the first eight years of her life.
Running excitedly up to the window, Sam peered inside and saw her pregnant mother cuddled happily with an unfamiliar man in front of a blinking Christmas tree.
"Who's that?" she asked, confused.
"Why, that's your father, and this is four years after you would have been born. Your father ran out on your mother when she got pregnant with you before the wedding."
"So why's he there, then?" Sam asked, obviously trying to understand what she was seeing.
The angel pulled out a manila folder and began to rifle through its contents. "Well, when she didn't get pregnant, they went through with the wedding and have been married happily for several years."
"So, you're telling me that if I had never been born, my parents would have stayed together," Sam sounded skeptical, and the angel responded with a slow, confused nod. "What the hell kind of guardian angel are you?" she sneered at him, scowling as she looked back at her parents. She had never seen her mother look so happy or carefree. "Aren't you supposed to convince me that the world is better off with me in it?"
"I, uh…" The angel continued to sort through the papers, his face growing more and more worried. "I'm sure the next one will be better…" He didn't sound convinced, though, even as he snapped his fingers.
In another flash, they were outside a family owned drugstore, watching as the kindly old proprietor held the door open for some children who were buying candy on their way home from school.
"Hey!" Sam screeched suddenly as she took in the scene. "That's Mr. Johnson! But…" Her face grew sad as she watched him walk inside his store. "He died when I was ten. He slipped when I left my marbles outside the store…" Her face went dark as she remembered that horrible day.
The angel, though, just looked even more flustered as he flipped through his notes on Samantha's case. How in God's name was he supposed to convince this young lady that the world was better off with her in it when she was the reason for this man's death? He was beginning to question it…but why had God sent him here, then? Surely there was something that had been changed for the better because she existed.
"I've got it!" he cried enthusiastically. With another finger snap, he and Sam were standing inside a Vegas strip club watching a very depressed Steven Hyde sulk in the corner.
"Oh, poor baby," Sam whispered to herself. "He was so sad that night," she told the angel without taking her eyes from Hyde's scruffy, sad face. "I guess I really did make him feel better." She smiled at that thought, but the smile faded as a petite brunette stripper strutted towards him and moved to sit on his lap.
"Hey there, baby," she moaned as she straddled him, rubbing her small breasts against his face. "You look like you could use a good time." She winked at him playfully, but both Hyde and Sam could only stare at her beautiful, soft features, horrified at how much the girl looked like Jackie.
"No…no…I have to go…" Hyde pushed the brunette off his lap and ran out of the club, back to his car.
"Where is he going?" Sam asked the angel, wondering what awful thing may have happened to Hyde that night if they hadn't retired together to her small apartment. Another snap of the angel's fingers and they quickly found out. Hyde had gotten back in his car and driven the full distance back to Chicago, miraculously avoiding any accidents in his sleep deprivation. Sam found herself inside a warm motel room, watching in disbelief as Jackie answered the pounding on the other side of the door.
"Oh God, Steven," she sobbed, her eyes red and puffy from days of endless crying. "I'm so glad you're okay…I was so worried about you, driving off like that." Without another word, Jackie threw her arms around Hyde's shoulders, hugging him forcefully to her. "Nothing happened, Steven," she told him seriously, pulling back to look him directly in the eye. "Nothing happened between me and Michael, and nothing will happen between me and Michael because, God, Puddin' Pop, I love you so much." She started to cry harder as she held him close, and Sam watched in horror as his arms slowly slid around her waist, pulling her more tightly against him. "I'm so sorry… I… Steven, being married isn't as important as being with you. All I want is to be with you, and to know that you want that, too." Jackie trembled with fear as she exposed her heart to him.
"I DO want that, Jackie," he whispered quietly before leaning down and capturing her lips in passionate kiss, backing her slowly towards the bed. "I don't know about marriage, baby," he whispered quietly against her mouth as he lay over her, "but I want to be with you, Jackie. When I thought I had lost you, I just…" He pulled back far enough to look deeply in her eyes, showing her how he felt. "I need you, baby. I…I…I love you," he whispered quietly, lowering his lips to hers and plunging his tongue into her mouth before she had a chance to squeal at the admission.
Sam watched in horror as Hyde stripped off Jackie's nightgown, laying the gentlest of kisses along the exposed flesh of her chest. His mouth grew more urgent as it moved down her torso, eventually seeking the juncture between her thighs as his hands continued to caress her. He touched Jackie like she was at once the most desirable and most precious thing in the world, and it sent a stab of jealously through Sam that she would never get to see this side of him.
"I don't want to watch this!" The blonde screeched at the angel, turning away from the scene before her. "They wouldn't have been happy together anyways!" she accused loudly, stomping her foot against the cheap motel carpet.
The angel was too caught up in the scene in front of him to notice Samantha's tantrum, though. Jackie had Hyde looked so happy, so perfect together, and he had to regret the fact that it was the mere existence of the blonde stripper that had pulled them apart into such miserable lives. Belatedly, the angel seemed to hear Sam's comment and snapped his fingers, wondering if Steven Hyde and Jackie Burkhart would have worked out all their issues together.
Sam and the angel found themselves standing in the living room of a nearly empty, brand new apartment. Aside from a plush leather couch pushed up against a back wall and a small Christmas tree set up in the corner, the room was empty but for several large cardboard boxes that hadn't yet been unpacked. On one upside down box, the remnants of half-eaten Chinese takeout lay forgotten, as there was currently more interesting drama on Christmas Eve of 1979, a few months after Jackie and Hyde's reunion and the very night that Sam had left behind.
"Are you okay, Jackie?" Hyde nervously paced from the bedroom to the living room, glaring at the thin line of fluorescent light visible under the bathroom door. He held his breath as Jackie emerged from the room, tears streaming down her face.
"I'm sorry…" She was trembling as she cried, and Hyde quickly crossed the room and pulled her into his arms.
"Hey, it'll be okay, baby," he comforted her has he took the pregnancy test from her hand, glancing down at the blue lines that proved what they had both suspected.
"No it won't. We finally got this place together and now I'm…and you don't want…" A new wave of tears cut her off, and Hyde pulled her more tightly against him.
"Jackie…everything'll be okay." He smiled down at her, looking remarkably calm for the situation. "We'll just have to move up the wedding, right?" He pulled her left hand up to examine the large diamond resting on her finger, his face showing more than a hint of pride and love as he leaned in to kiss his fiancé and the mother of his child.
Sam scoffed loudly as Jackie looked up at Hyde in awe. "You expect me to believe that Hyde, the guy who stayed married to me just to hurt her, would be like that?" She gestured wildly at the couple currently sucking each other's faces off as they backed towards the bedroom.
"Merry Christmas, Steven," Jackie whispered against his lips, earning her an earnest smile. Hyde couldn't seem to keep his hands off of Jackie's stomach as he pulled off her sweater, but luckily they were out of sight before things got worse.
"The asshole wouldn't even take the night off for me!" she screeched, turning angrily towards the angel. "What the fuck is this?"
"I'm just showing you what I told you I would," the angel started to explain, but Sam cut him off as she paced the living room.
"Put me back!" She screamed, stomping her foot and moving forward to smack the angel. "Put me back so I can go slap that goddamned bastard! I will make sure that he's miserable for the rest of his stupid little life!"
The angel was horrified as Sam raged, declaring her intention to make sure Hyde was never happy again. Looking towards the heavens for guidance, the chubby cherub was very sure of what he had to do. Sure it was unorthodox, but God would understand. He snapped his fingers again, but instead of returning to the water tower, Sam simply vanished into thin air, her existence utterly erased from the face of the Earth.
Smiling to himself, the angel took one last peak into Hyde and Jackie's bedroom, unable to ignore their passionate cries as they made love to each other, prepared to move together into the 1980s.
A/N: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.