Random Christmas-y snippet that came to me after hearing a particular Christmas song. It made me write it.

Thanks to dimoreien for the impromptu beta.

Happy Holidays to all :)

With a muffled 'oof,' Lorelai unceremoniously plodded into the foyer, just barely managing to squeeze her array of briefcases, shopping bags, and her purse through the door frame. She squinted in the darkness, awkwardly maneuvering her bag-laden self into the living room while trying not to inadvertently break her neck by tripping on one of Gigi's toys. Releasing the mail from its precarious hold between her teeth, she let it fall to its usual spot beside the phone. With a weary sigh, she turned around, heaving everything else she carried into a pile on the couch.

"Ugh," she mumbled to herself, lifting a hand to rub her sore neck. After a long day at work dealing with Christmas festivities, not to mention a foray into last-minute shopping and braving the lunchtime mall crowds, Lorelai really could have used Chris around for a really good shoulder massage. But then again, she still had a ton of work to get done for the Inn that night, so maybe it was for the best that he and Gigi were at Francine's, doing the family Christmas thing a couple days early. Definitely for the best, she mentally revised, because their choice of day had also meant that she didn't have to deal with any extended Hayden family this Christmas. And Rory was… Well, Rory was somewhere, probably with Logan or something.

With another sigh, and a pat to Paul Anka's head, who had just surfaced to see what all the commotion was about, Lorelai reached to flip the light switch. Bathed in the soft glow of colors from the Christmas tree in the corner, she ran her hands wearily through her hair. She was not looking forward to all the paperwork that awaited her in the multiple briefcases on the couch. Come to think of it, she realized, maybe Paul Anka had been on the couch where she'd dropped all her stuff. Maybe that's why he was so slow in coming to greet her. Oops.

"Sorry, boy," she apologized absently, leaning down to give the dog an extra scratch behind the ear.

Not that she didn't love her job, not that she didn't love Christmas, not that she didn't love Chris and Gigi and Rory, but after the stress of the holidays at the Inn, once, just once, it'd be nice to have a night like this when she had the whole house all to herself, just her and Paul Anka, when she could make some hot chocolate and just curl up and watch the snow fall through the windows adorned with lights. Maybe with some nice Christmas music playing softly in the background? Just a little relaxation? Without the hours of work left to do, not to mention presents to wrap?

"Five minutes," she breathed to herself in resolve. She'd give herself five minutes of that serene relaxation. Sure, hot chocolate would have to be sacrificed in favor of coffee if she planned on staying up late enough to get any work done, and the chilly drizzle outside wasn't exactly the picturesque snowfall she had in her head either, but she could deal with that. It didn't mean she couldn't take a minute or two to sit down and look over whatever Christmas cards had arrived with the mail that day.

After trudging to the kitchen to flip on the coffee maker, Lorelai returned to the foyer, slipping out of her coat and kicking off her boots. The coffee not quite done, she padded around the corner to begin flipping through the various festively colored envelopes that were wedged in between the bills and catalogues of today's mail delivery.

Scanning the return addresses, she had to stifle a giggle. Babette and Morey's card had arrived — Lorelai would never understand why they insisted, year after year, on sticking a stamp on it and bringing it all the way to the post office to mail it when so much less effort would be involved in simply walking across the lawn and sticking it in the mailbox. A few cards from Uncle whoever, Great-Aunt whatshername, and random cousins, all chock full of those silly Christmas letters that bragged about Muffy's grades at school and Buddy's eight trillion points that he scored for whatever sports team he was on. Mia's card — Lorelai smiled softly at the sight of that one. It was one of the few she actually looked forward to each year. Another from some family Chris knew pretty well from Gigi's preschool, and yet another from someone she thought might have been a colleague of Chris' from one of his many vague 'jobs' over the years. The last one, however, one still adorned with Lorelai's teethmarks from it's less than orthodox trip from the mailbox to the house, was a mystery.

No return address, and Lorelai didn't recognize the handwriting at all. It was obviously a Christmas card, the envelope being pale blue and adorned with a number of small darker blue snowflakes, and it had a Stars Hollow postmark on it. But it was addressed only to her, rather than her and Rory, or her and Chris, or some permutation of the Gilmore and/or Hayden family. Not everyone who sent them cards knew exactly what the situation was and what to address cards, but most everyone who would have sent a card from Stars Hollow knew full well that it was no longer just her and Rory, and that the household was neither just Gilmore, nor just Hayden. And that Lorelai had put as much as the return address on her own cards when she'd sent them out. Or at least the ones she'd sent so far…

Either way, no one sent cards just to her. Curious as to the sender, Lorelai abandoned the other cards and had just begun to slip a fingernail under the flap on the envelope when the coffee maker beeped.

Caffeine took precedence over the cards, and by the time she'd gotten her mug of coffee ready and had scarfed down a piece of cold pizza from the night before, Lorelai's holiday-induced scatterbrained state remembered only that there were cards to be opened, not any one in particular.

So grabbing the stack of cards on her way into the living room, Lorelai set her coffee down on the end table and simply shoved all the bags from the couch onto the floor. She promptly flopped down in their spot and turned on the small lamp behind her.

She made her way through the cards, the five minutes she'd set aside for herself quickly being mentally revised to ten… fifteen… Mia was doing well, as were all her grandchildren. Muffy, Buddy, and all their clones throughout the Gilmore family tree were doing stupendously in school, and in sports, and with musical instruments, and they were only five minutes away from solving global warming and that nagging problem of conflict in the Middle East too.

Lorelai groaned, tossing what seemed like the zillionth identically pompous Christmas letter to the side. By then, she'd reached the bottom of her pile and had arrived once again at the mystery card.

Eagar to discern the sender's identity, Lorelai quickly slipped her finger beneath the flap, tearing it open.

It was a simple card, emblazoned with a scene of a snowy farm and bordering woods, with a happy little family bundled up for an old fashioned sleigh ride. A scene you might actually still find at some of the farms around Stars Hollow. If it ever snowed this year, Lorelai bemoaned inwardly as she opened the card.

But all thoughts of snow or no snow or anything other than that card immediately exited from her mind when she caught sight of what was inside.

Christopher, Lorelai, Rory, and Gigi, it read in loopy, rounded letters.

A standard card cliché printed below: Wishing you happiness not only at the Holidays, but every day of the New Year.

And then the signatures.

Luke and April.

Luke and April.

Of course, Lorelai chastised herself, she should have known. The large, bubbly letters that could have been no one else's but a thirteen year-old girl's. Of course.

Of course? Of course nothing, Lorelai realized, all while trying to ignore the dull, hollow ache she'd felt upon seeing Luke's name there, inscribed beneath her own, as it sat there ensconced between Chris' and Rory's as part of a cute little family package of names.

Of course nothing — April sent this card. Lorelai knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this card was not from Luke. He probably knew nothing about it at all. It was addressed in April's writing, she'd been the one to sign his name, and hell, Luke never sent Christmas cards in the first place. More than likely, this was April getting excited about the prospect of having a father at Christmas for the first time. What better way to assert her presence as his daughter than to send out Christmas cards from the both of them? Lorelai smiled wistfully; she could just imagine the precocious young teen happening upon a pack of cards with Luke somewhere in their travels together — maybe even someplace as boring as a gas station — and ambushing poor Luke with the prospect of sending out cards together. A makeshift family, as it were. She could just see the befuddled expression on Luke's face upon hearing such an idea from April, as well as the harried 'Yeah, sure, whatever' that would have followed in place of an actual approval.

And then, of course, April would have just filled out the cards in the best way she knew how, sending them to the few people she knew Luke to have as acquaintances.

No, there was no way Luke had any part in the sending of this card, Lorelai managed to convince herself as she absently traced Luke's name with her finger. No way.

She quickly closed the card, forcing herself to be rid of… Well, whatever this feeling she was feeling was. Lorelai couldn't put her finger of any of the blur of emotions that had just assaulted her in the space of about forty-five seconds; in any case, she was forcing herself to end on indifference. April had sent the card, not Luke. It was sweet of her, but that was that, and the card was going back in the envelope, back in the stack of the other cards, all of which would eventually end up in the garbage anyway.

But in slipping the card back in its envelope, it didn't slide as neatly as it should have. And Lorelai could have sworn she felt the slightest bit of resistance, accompanied by the soft sound of paper crumpling. Confused, she once again removed the card from the envelope, setting it to the side as she focused on the envelope itself. Holding it open, she peered inside, not really sure what she was expecting to find.

Nonetheless, she did find something. Now slightly wrinkled, inside the envelope lay a small square scrap of paper. Sucking in a quick breath, Lorelai was fighting off the sting of tears in her eyes before she even got the paper completely out of the envelope.

That handwriting she did recognize.

Lorelai,

All I ever wanted for you was happiness. Here's hoping you've found it.
Merry Christmas.

Love,
Luke

It wasn't a long note, and surely it didn't take that long to read, the sentiment merely echoing the printed words from the main card. That didn't stop it from being rendered nearly incomprehensible by the time Lorelai reached the end of it. Whether it was from the film of tears in her eyes, or the rain of tears that had fallen from her cheeks to smudge the ink, the angular scribble of the note was completely blurred.

It all made sense now. April's young, innocent handwriting all over the card made it acceptable to show the family, to show Christopher. After all, it was only April, not Luke who had sent it. But the address on the envelope — to Lorelai Gilmore only. It made sure that she would be the one to open it, the one to find the note meant only for her eyes. And the card, not a random choice by April, but more than likely one carefully chosen by Luke for the message the words conveyed.

It was Luke. Luke. As always, no grand shows of affection, no paying off Parisian restauranteurs at 4 in the morning, no buying out an entire knit-a-thon. The simplest of gestures and she was reduced to a complete basketcase there on the couch.

After everything, all he wanted for her was to be happy.

Was she?

Was she happy?

The fact that she honestly couldn't bring herself to answer that question with a 'Yes' just made Lorelai sob harder.

She could have pretended. She was so good at pretending. So good that sometimes she herself wasn't sure if she even was pretending anymore, pretending that she was okay with being part of the happy little Gilmore-Hayden family with Chris and Gigi.

She did love them, both Chris and Gigi, but…

But.

That said it right there, there should never be a qualifier on something like that.

Why did Luke have to send the stupid little note, forcing her to actually face the fact that she was pretending? Why?

Pretending that, once upon a time, less than a year ago, she hadn't thought a Christmas card with those 6 names on it would have had them grouped together very differently.

Lorelai sniffled, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve and tucking her feet beneath Paul Anka, who had curled up next to her on the couch. When had her life become this? When had she become such a shell of a person that she could just completely fall apart at the sight of a few simple words on a paper the size of a post-it?

When had she stopped being happy?

No longer even bothering to try and stop the flow of tears down her face, Lorelai knew she didn't have to think very hard to come up with an answer to that, to come up with the last time she had been full-on, completely taken with the happiness that Luke's card was talking about. It was probably the day Rory had come back last year, the day she'd bounded into Luke's ready to begin moving forward with their wedding. Rory had come back, was going back to school. She was going to marry Luke, and he was still, as far as she could tell, 100 with her, no April on the scene to cloud his judgment.

She was happy then.

Now…

Now, she really wasn't. And the worst part about that, Lorelai realized, sobs wracking her body, that dull ache overtaking her chest, and a soft sprinkle of flurries beginning to fall outside the window, was that it was just one more way she failed Luke. After all that had happened, he just wanted her happy. It would all have been worth it, if at least she was happy in the end.

She wasn't.

"I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you
And to be once again with you"
Song for a Winter's Night

The End